I File for Irreconcilable Differences

Anyway, as you may have gathered from that last sentence, I am here to tell you that everything you've heard is a lie. Yes, drop your Illusen-themed toys now to listen in horror as I tell you the truth about your favourite little Earth Faerie.

She has lied about everything she'd passed to Queen Fyora, whom, may I add, I am a great supporter of. She's the best Queen Faerieland has ever had. Yes, so, lying. She claimed that I had planned to overthrow Fyora and put all Neopia into a Dark Age, which is totally untrue. She says I have a grudge against all other faeries. I am absolutely friendly to my neighbours and all those who happen to come for a quest. Another lie: I do not give impossible quests, or give dark artefacts for rewards! Those are dangerous; do you have any idea how bad that would be? Maybe I give, as the top reward, a powerful staff that obliterates all your enemies, but how is that different from selling the Rainbow Swirly Thing in the Hidden Tower?

And I am most certainly not 10 000 years old. I have not a grey hair in sight! And I do not dye it purple and green - that is all natural, thank you very much. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but I'm a great deal younger than Illusen, I can say.

I keep blaming Illusen, and that is the one truth she's spilled to the world. Yes, Illusen and I are bitter enemies. We hate each other. She may act like she doesn't, in that entire better-than-thou glory stance she's taken as her guard, but she may hate me more than I hate her. Okay, this is the true story about what she did.

I was the top student, most popular faerie in high school, and Illusen (who was already in college, mind you) came to talk to the students about the future. I was not enjoying her speech, all about her and nothing about what we needed to do. So I kind of cast a little spell. Just a little one, nothing big, to make things interesting. All I did was momentarily make her seem, like, 10 000 years old. (Maybe that's why she said I was, later.) It was a joke! Everyone, even the teachers, laughed. She flamed up. And cast a spell on me that turned me into a duck for three weeks! My spell - one second. Hers - three weeks. See the difference? I hardly did anything!

Then she started spreading rumours. I went to college, and all the teachers thought I was a stupid delinquent. My false rep was everywhere. My life was ruined, as it seemed. She had told everyone I'd flunked so many grades I was ten years behind (which may seem bigger to you than it does to us)! She said I lived to make fun of others, prank them, and I was prejudiced against all other-element faeries. She twisted my life into something that was more like... if you really want to know, hers. In elementary school, she was a diabolical little troublemaker. I know you don't believe me. Come over someday, and I'll show you the reports and pictures.

So I fought back, as anyone would. Illusen woke up one day to see her house was on fire, all her plants dead. A simple illusion spell that had her crying for days. She spelled a Kadoatie to follow me around all day, mewing and crying and screaming like a devil. When I got annoyed and made it go poof!... I was suddenly the bad faerie! I became Jhudora the cuteness hater.

Illusen moved to Meridell to escape Fyora's questioning eyes. You believed that rubbish about moving for the peace and quiet? Bah Humbug.

Anyway, I moved away from the other faeries because they all looked at me like something that was stuck to the bottom of their shoe. I was miserable. Then I realized Illusen was giving out quests. And I recognized instantly what those ingredients were for. The Everlasting Darkness Spell. As ominous as it sounds, it really means that a dark cloud of evil will follow around someone for a few days, casting the illusion of evil on anyone near. In short, it would make me look like an evil jerk.

Notwithstanding, I was not fazed. I handed out my own quests, to brew the counter spell. I worked much harder than she did to make my quests known, and yet she gets all the business! What is that? More lies spread to ward off customers. Have you seen the look on her face when she demands the items? That, I tell you, is pure evil. She stands there, all superior, with that do-this-or-you're-a-moron look. She looks down on the questers with disdain. They're just pets there to serve her needs. And that clapping her hands together, smiling in joy thing she does when you complete the quest? Have you ever seen such bad acting? If I've ever brushed you off at the end of your quest, you have my sincere apologies. I am always preoccupied and I have little time to socialize.

I apologize for the state of my cloud. Again, I am very preoccupied. Busy, busy, busy. No time to clean up the green on the violet floors. The green mist just kind of came. Is it wrong that those are my favourite colours? Green is Illusen's favourite colour and you don't pounce on her with those comments: "Green is acid and poison, and evil!" No, for her, green is the colour of nature. Of healing, and growth, and purity of heart! Do you see why I hate her? She gets everything she wants, and everything I ever wanted, too!

Now, she's tried repeatedly to spell me, and I've continually stopped her in her tracks, and it goes on and on. She keeps serving the ball, and I always send it back to her. But now, in this article, the ball is in my court and I can finish the rally, and get a point. (So I like tennis. That won't become the sport of evil, too, will it? Now do you see the folly of these things you've accused me of?) So I ask of you - will you believe me? I'm on my knees here. I'm not threatening you or anything, as Illusen would have you think. I'm just asking. If you'll accept my story as true - which it is.

I can't make you think one way about me, but I can only tell my story, if you'll listen with an open mind.

Slam.

That was your mind closing, wasn't it?

I guess I couldn't do much more, so I'll leave you now. Look, I'm walking away - staff not raised to threaten you - calm, not evil.

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I'll have you know that, wherever you are, I am fully capable of blasting you into a little smear on the floor.

Isn't it nice to hear the truth? Smile and nod, smile and nod. Do you believe me now? Smile and nod. Do you now understand my quarrel with Illusen? Good. And you're on my side now, aren't you? Thank you very much. Your life is now back in your hands.

Muahahahaha...