Ten Neggs Sat on a Shelf

It was night time in the Neggery, and ten Neggs sat on a shelf quietly, thinking to themselves.

      The Happy Negg sat on the shelf quietly and thought to itself. “What a wonderful day,” it thought. “It began just like every other day: the sun came up. It also ended like every other day: the sun went down. How fantastic! I hope tomorrow begins and ends in the same way. How splendid it is to be a Negg, especially here in the Neggery. It just fills me with so much joy, sometimes I wish I could dance! Or move at all, really. But no matter, I don’t mind being sedentary, for it’s all the better to appreciate the world around me. And what a world it is! So many beautiful Neggs, each one unique and special. There are no worries here, just endlessly wonderful weeks of sitting on shelves. Maybe one day I’ll be bought and explore the outside world. That would be nice. But it would be equally nice to sit here forever and think about the joy of life. Oh, happy, happy day.”

      The Wicked Negg sat on the shelf quietly and thought to itself. “What a horrible day,” it thought. “So much potential for evil gone to waste. That Nimmo who came in earlier today? Why, if I could have just scooted an inch to my left, I could have tripped him. Imagine that: splat! Right on his face!” The Negg chuckled to itself just thinking about it. “Oh, on the day I finally get out of here, I’m going to cause so much mischief! Havoc, thy invocator is Wicked Negg! I think I’ll start by casting a curse on that goodie-two-shoes Purity +1 Negg. Maybe something to make its stem wither and fall off. Yeah, that’s pretty wicked. And then I’ll get my revenge on that stupid Negg Faerie. Let’s see how she likes lying on a ledge in a back room for endless days and nights. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Oh, how wicked that would be.”

      The Cool Negg sat on the shelf quietly and thought to itself. “What an awesome day,” it thought. “Like, totally radical. Yup, it was pretty sweet. This Nimmo came in, and I was like ‘Whoa!’ and it was like ‘What’s up?’ and I was like ‘Nuthin’, just chillin’,’ and it was like ‘Cool.’ Yeah, that Nimmo was a pretty rad dude. And all the other Neggs were totally checkin’ out my sweet shades. They’re jealous. They wish they could be as awesome as me. But, like, they can’t, because I’m the only one with shades. Pwn’d. When you think about it, you need shades to be cool, but you need to be cool to have shades. Whoa! Like... brain overload! That’s some heavy stuff to, like, think about. It’s givin’ me a headache. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and focus on how totally killer my stem’s lookin’ today. Sweet.”

      The Silver Knight Negg sat on the shelf and thought quietly to itself. “What a grandiose day,” it thought. “How heroic it is to gallantly defend one’s honor against thy foes. Though the Wicked Negg affronted my personage this morn, I defeated it, barely shedding a bead of sweat from my brow. Excelsior! And I believe our duel did win the notice of my fair maiden, the Glamour Negg. I shall forever quest for her approval, for she is the e’er-constant star that guides me, the damsel that awaits in yon tower high, the treasure more precious than gold or jewel. For thee, Glamour Negg, I would face any challenge, no matter how arduous. I would ford any river, climb any mount, soar to any height. For thee, my dear. For thee. Huzzah!”

      The Vortex Negg sat on the shelf and thought quietly to itself. “What a strange day,” it thought. “Was I dreaming, or did the sun come up today? Or, at least, a sun came up. Am I a son? How odd. Isn’t it – no. Or is it? Perhaps. Huh. I thought I had a memory once, but it was probably just the fleeting shadows of puppets of masks pulled by strings of lead. Do I mix my metaphors? Maybe we are all metaphors, written on a page by some careless hand, only to be tossed aside into a wastebasket minutes later, blotted with spilt ink. Or maybe not. It doesn’t matter. But, of course, since it doesn’t matter, it’s the only thing that does matter. I contradict myself. But of course I contradict myself. That’s what I do best; what we all do best. To be is to lie.”

      The Negg of Purity +1 sat on the shelf and thought quietly to itself. “What a heavenly day,” it thought. “The Neggery is at peace, and all is right in the world. Well, almost all. It’s true, the Wicked Negg still perpetrates its evil deeds, but I shall soon stop it. Not that I wish it any ill; oh, no. I intend to convince it of the error of its ways and convert it to the side of goodness. For what is good shall always triumph over what is evil. I know the Silver Knight Negg agrees with me, at least. Although truly, I don’t know what he sees in that Glamour Negg, so vain and – no, curb those negative thoughts. No good can come from them. I am serene, floating on a cloud, high above the impiety of the world. I am untainted. I am pure...”

      The Ferocious Negg sat on the shelf and thought quietly to itself. “WHAT AN INFURIATING DAY,” it thought. “FIRST THE SUN CAME UP. THAT MADE ME MAD. THEN A NIMMO CAME IN. THAT MADE ME EVEN MORE MAD! THEN I WAS CALM FOR A FEW MINUTES. THEN I WAS IRATE FOR A WHILE, THEN PENSIVE, THEN FURIOUS. FINALY, I WAS LIVID FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. UNTIL THE SUN WENT DOWN, THAT IS. THAT MADE ME ABSOLUTELY... I DON’T HAVE ANY WORDS FOR HOW MAD THAT MADE ME! AND NOT HAVING ANY WORDS FOR THINGS MAKES ME THE MOST MAD OF ALL! GRRRRR! ARRRGH!”

      The Glamour Negg sat on the shelf and thought quietly to itself. “What an unsatisfactory day,” it thought. “Truly, nowhere near up to par. The sunrise was blotchy, while the sunset was monochromatic at best. No beauty, no refinement. A real low for the sun. Oh, how I wish I had a mirror to appreciate my own beauty, which far surpasses that of anything else in this dismal place. A mirror, or anything shiny, really. I like shiny things. Except that Silver Knight Negg. Ugh, he tried to ‘prove his honor’ to me again today. And I was like, ‘Hello! Not interested!” But he just doesn’t ever seem to get the message. Oh, what’s a Negg to do in a world where I’m the only thing that matters but no one else understands that?”

      The Super Negg sat on the shelf and thought quietly to itself. “What a super day,” it thought. “Once again, Super Negg managed to avert disaster, as he always does. Chaos very nearly overwhelmed the Neggery, but, at the last minute, the day was saved by Super Negg! Fear not, citizens, for the protective cape of Super Negg covers you like a shroud of justice. For was the very livelihood of all of us not in peril when that dastardly supervillain, The Nimmo, nearly brought destruction upon us all? But Super Negg managed to save the day by... well, not much. Super Negg can’t technically move. But still, the forces of goodness triumphed, all thanks to Super Negg! Until we meet again, my archnemesis. Until we meet again...”

      The Genius Negg sat on the shelf and thought quietly to itself. “What a fascinating day,” it thought. “There was so much to learn, so much to appreciate. For instance, I now know that Nimmos are bipedal creatures. Isn’t it interesting how legs work? Such a scintillating concept, the way joints and muscles work in tandem... but enough about that. What really struck me today was the way we ten Neggs are interconnected. It’s as if each of our lives is inexorably tied with our companions’. Is this a function of mere proximity? Of Neggitude? Of fate? Or something else entirely? How is it that we ten, sitting here on this shelf, have so much, and yet so little, in common? Truly, that is something upon which to ponder. And ponder I shall, eternally.”

     It was night time in the Neggery, and ten Neggs sat on a shelf quietly, thinking to themselves.