Yes, Doctor Demento!!

Faerieland Employment Agency

Keep it together, Queek. You can do this, don't stress it, just keep calm.

      The pretty faerie sat across from me leaned over her desk, mild concern etched on her slender features. "Is everything all right, little Sir?"

      Is every all right, she asks. Hah! As if being a snot Yurble isn't hard enough, you try being a snot Yurble with a chronic nervous disposition. It ain't easy, let me tell you, nuh-uh; when us snot pets get anxious, we sweat. A lot, and sometimes the hot, salty tears melt us down. Last time I had a serious nervous breakdown I blacked-out, and when I woke-up I was bottled in some kinda knock-off potion of Edna's. Boy, you shoulda seen the timid Neopian scream when he opened the bottle, expecting a blessing for his electric Lupe only to have me crawl out!

      So... was everything all right? I was fighting to maintain my composure and my structural integrity, so no, not really. I was already leaving sticky patches in the agency's plush carpet with every footstep, the last thing this faerie needed was a gooey paddling pool beside her desk. So I lied, naturally.

      "Oh, yes, Miss! Absolutely," I squeaked as my palms wrestled with each other behind my back. "I'm just, er, really excited about getting a job! Yep, all giddy, that's me."

      "Hmmm..." The faerie's sparkling eyes narrowed as she returned her focus to the binder filled with vacancies. "I see... well, Mr...?"

      "Queek."

      "Yes, Mr Queek... well, I see you have a Gold Brightvale Job Coupon." She paused to pry the aforementioned coupon from the table, which was easier said than done considering Yours Truly had been handling it all day. "That means the sky's the limit, and all jobs are open to you. Including Top Secret jobs."

      My ears perked up at this point. I knew a Gold Brightvale coupon would give me top pickings, but Top Secret jobs? That was something I'd never expected, and it had me all jittery with excitement... wait, no, this was nerves! Maybe they were Top Secret because they only wanted the very best, the best of the best. I highly doubted a snot Yurble ranked amongst Neopia's elite. Oh no, oh no...!

      Choking down the bile that was bubbling up inside me, I took a deep breath. "T-Top Secret, you say? Really...?"

      Luckily, the employment faerie hadn't looked up from her binder. "Indeed. They're rare, and mostly consist of employers who don't wish their needs to be made public knowledge. Now, let's see what we've got... oh." Her brow furrowed, and she blinked several times. "Well, now that can't be right, surely..."

      "What?" I craned forward in my chair, paws grabbing the edge of the desk with wet 'splats'. "What's the problem, Miss?"

      "Oh, nothing." She tried to assure me, though I could still see the concern on her face. "It's just, well... you said you were eager for work, correct?"

      "Yes, Miss, that I am."

      "And any high-paying job will do?"

      "Uhm, yes...?"

      "No matter how, shall we say, questionable...?"

      I didn't like the direction this was going, but as my owner constantly reminded me, beggars can't be choosers. Well, actually she always said "Snot Yurbles can't be janitors," but I'm sure it's the same thing, essentially. "I... I guess so?"

      The smile of relief that broke over her lovely features caught me entirely by surprise. "Wonderful! Then I believe I have the perfect job for one of your, uh.. talents."

      She waved a hand over the Gold Brightvale coupon, and it turned silver in a flash of sparkles. She handed it over, along with a slip of paper with an address written on it. "Just go here and tell the guard you're here to work for Doctor Demento."

      So, yeah, my enthusiasm lasted all of two seconds. "Wait, D-Doctor... Demento?"

      The faerie flashed me a great big smile. "Enjoy your new job as an evil genius' loyal minion!"

      "Wait - WHAT?!?"

     ~**~

     One Hour Later...

     To be honest, with a name like 'Doctor Demento', I shoulda guessed where I was being sent. Sure enough, I was soon stood outside the Haunted Woods manor to top all creepy manors. It had lightning rods stuck everywhere, dishes larger than the craters on Kreludor on the roof, and what I could only hope was a giant silver telescope peeking out from an adjoining observatory.

      I pushed open the bone gate (the bones of what, I dreaded to think) and made my way cautiously up the cobblestone path, past all the signs that read:

      Keep Out!!

      I said, Keep Out!

      What, do you speak Grundonian? Go Away!!

      Moments later I had crept up onto the rickety wooden porch and stopped at the door, eyebrow raised as I spotted not one, but two doorbells. These read:

     Do Not Press...

      Button Out of Order, Please Press Above Button...

      In the end I knocked on the door. Hey, better to be safe than sorry, right? Yet, why did I feel pressing the wrong doorbell was the least hazardous threat to my wellbeing...?

      There was a sound of muffled scrabbling from inside before the door was opened a crack on a chain, and a wizened old red Scorchio peeked his head round, beady eyes scowling out at me.

      "Yes?" he barked. "Vhut is it, vhut do you vant?"

      "Uh... Doctor Demento -"

      "No." His eyes narrowed suspiciously.

      "Er, no?" I double-checked the address, just to be sure. This was definitely the place, so what was going on?

      "No," repeated the old Scorchio. "You are not Doctor Demento. I am - you are an imposter, a scoundrel, and a plushie Snowbunny!"

      "Ooooo... kaaaay..." The payoff for this job better be worth it, as this doctor was obviously a few slices short of a pizza. "Doctor Demento, my name's Queek, and I was sent by the Employment Agency. I'm your new, uh, minion." I can't believe I just said that, but it seemed to do the trick, as the Doctor's eyes lit-up.

      "Minion, you say? Vunderful, Miss, simply vunderful!"

      "Er, thanks, but I'm a boy...?" Why did I sound uncertain?!

      "For now..." he murmured. "Passvord?"

      "Sorry, what?"

      "Passvord," he stated, arms crossed. "If you are veally my minion, zen you'll know ze passvord. Hurry, now!"

      "Uhm, you don't understand, Doctor. I'm your new minion... as in, just starting today? No one's told me the password."

      Doctor Demento stared at me in stony silence for several seconds before slamming the door shut. A few awkward moments passed before I heard the chain came off and it was thrown wide open.

      "Passvord accepted!" he cried, a crazed grin almost splitting his head in two. He gestured for me to enter and I crept forward cautiously before he could change his mind.

      "Of course it was," I muttered under my breath, my eyes darting around the hallway. Almost everything was covered in plastic sheets and the thick, rough rugs were scratchy underneath my feet. "So, uh, Doctor Demento...?"

      "Yes, Loyal Minion Number One?"

      I stumbled to a halt by the grand staircase that, for some odd reason, stretched all the way up to the ceiling. There wasn't even a second floor.

      "Number One...?" I repeated hesitantly. "Isn't that kind of a hasty promotion, Sir?"

      "Vhut promotion?" The word genuinely seemed alien to him and he began scratching his chin. "You are the first loyal minion, hence being Number One. You'd think making a vacancy Top Secret vould get it more attention..."

      "Doctor Demento," I cut in before the Crazy Train could derail any further. "What exactly do you need me to do?"

      "Vhy, vhut else, Loyal Minion Number One? You're going to help me take over Neopia! Mwahahahahaham sandwiches!"

      "Oooooh, boy..."

      Like I said, this payout better be good. Six-digit good, at least.

     Twenty Minutes Later...

     Okay, make that seven-digits.

      As it turned out, the 'telescope' in the observatory was actually a cannon involved in what had to be the most stupid excuse for a takeover plot ever. How did I know this, I hear you ask? Well, let's just say there's no prizes for guessing where I was right now.

      I clawed my way up to the mouth of the cannon and popped my head out. "Uh, Doctor Demento...?"

      The old Scorchio was busy darting from one piece of spark-spitting equipment to another, and he didn't pause in his preparations as he answered me. "Yes, Loyal Minion Number One?"

      Well, seems that's officially my title now... "Would you kindly run your plot past me one more time?" I asked, nerves jangling up and down my spine. "I think I had a snotball in my ears the last time..."

      "Ah, but of course!" Doctor Demento paused to throw a lever on a vibrating piece of apparatus, which promptly exploded in a cloud of soot. "Perfect, perfect...! Vell, Loyal Minion Number One, the plan is very simple: I am going to shoot you from my Ultraboom Megaheavy Cannon 4,000-D Mark III at the moon of Kreludor! Vunce you arrive, I vant you to steal it and bring it back to me, vhere I vill hold it ransom for mastery of the entire vorld! Genius, no?"

      "No," I answered flatly. "You can't be serious, Doc – you actually want me to try and steal Kreludor? It's massive!"

      Doctor Demento hesitated at this statement and stared up through the slat in the observatory ceiling, eyes narrowed and lips pursed. "Vhy, don't be ridiculous, Loyal Minion Number One," he scoffed, holding up a thumb and index-claw. "The moon is only that big, you see? Easy to grab, yes?"

      "Of course." What was I expecting, a rational, scientific answer? "It's not like distance is relative to size-perception, or anything... but what about Space?"

      "Vhut about it?"

      "There's no oxygen up there, so how am I supposed to breathe?"

      Doctor Demento sighed and rolled his eyes. "Trust me, I'm a scientist! All you need to do is hold your breath, see? Do that, grab the moon, zen come back. Easy!"

      "Yeah... I'm beginning to see why there aren't any more minions," I growled as I reluctantly slid back down the barrel of the cannon. "Let's get this over with, then," I shouted, my voice echoing up the large chamber.

      "Okie-dokie, commencing countdown in three... two... vun... countdown commenced! Three... two... cannon go boom now!!"

      KRAAKOOOOOM!!!

      I shot out of the Ultrabooming Megawhatever Cannon at breakneck speeds, my breath snatched from my throat, beads of snot streaking off me like I was a gross, confused meteor headed the wrong way. I wanted to scream, wanted to cry out, wanted to throw on the brakes, but the sheer force of my momentum left me frozen. It was all I could do to screw my eyes shut and wait for the inevitable impact...

      CAARAAAASH! SPLAAAAT!!!

      ... Impact that came far sooner than I'd expected. And didn't sound exactly right, either. After all, sound shouldn't carry in the void of Space, right?

      "Oh, my goodness!" cried a soft voice in alarm, a voice that sounded vaguely familiar. But, then again, it's difficult to tell these things when your ears are stretched across a wide puddle. "You poor, poor thing! Here, let me heal you..."

      There was a faint 'puff', and a shower of sparkles enveloped my body, tickling me numbly. Moments later I was standing on my own two feet once again, dizzy and sore but back in one piece, thank Fyora.

      Speaking of which, I looked up and who should I see but a certain faerie in the Queen's service. A faerie who was looking down at me with a mix of concern and guilt from behind her desk.

      "Hello again, Miss," I greeted the Employment Agency's Faerie, my voice thick and woozy. "I think I'd like to report the completion of my job assignment, please."

      "Already? Are you, er, sure that you're finished?"

      "Well, seeing as how I was just fired from a massive cannon by a mad scientist who actually wanted me to grab and steal the moon, I'd say yeah. I'm done."

      The faerie smiled uneasily and rooted around in her desk. "Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear that, Mr Quirk –"

      "It's Queek."

      "Of course... I'm sorry, but you must know that we can't assure the suitability of each and every job advertised here," she informed me with what I'd hoped was genuine regret, and not just a practised speech. She hesitated as she found what she had been looking for in her desk. "Ah, oh dear... nor can we assure the justified payment for each job. Here's yours," she added, handing over a small bag.

      "There better be a dozen fifty dubloon coins in here," I murmured as I pulled the strings open. My jaw fell open at what I saw. There was a dozen somethings in there, all right. A dozen...

      "Rocks?!" I exclaimed, slamming the bag back down on the desk. "He shoots me into Space, and pays me rocks? Arrrgh!"

      "...Congratulations on a job well done?" Even the faerie didn't believe what she was saying this time. "Look, I'm not supposed to do this, but you deserve better, so just this once I'm going to let you have another Gold Brightvale-level job, for free. Sound good?"

      I sighed, weighing-up my choices. Well, by choices I meant decided if I was really going home with a bag of rocks making some actual money. So, no choice, really.

      "Sure, thank you," I smiled gratefully. "What have you got for me this time?"

      "Hmmmm..." She scanned the binder again, a slender finger stopping on a vacancy. "Ah, here we go! How about security detail?"

      My ears and hopes rose expectantly. "I can do that!" I squeaked easily. "You've got a deal!"

      The Employment Faerie tilted her head cautiously. "Are you absolutely sure, Mr Queek?"

      "Oh, yeah!"

      "All right, then. You'll be going to the Ice Caves this time."

      "Oh, no..."

     ~**~

     One Hour Later...

     Have you ever tried running for your life on ice when your feet are already wet and slippery? It's ain't easy, lemme tell you.

      "I swear, Mr Snowager!" I screamed above the deafening rumbling. "I'm not trying to steal a thing – I'm your new security guard from the Employment Agency. Honest!"

      "RRAAAAAWWWWRR!!!!"

The End

Author's Note: Poor Queek, huh? If you'd like to see him tackle any more jobs, drop me a message! :)

Also, it's been over 300 issues, but TC is finally back. I just couldn't stay away forever, and it's good to be back. I hope to bring y'all many more fun stories, articles and laughs!

– TC