 A Play about a Debate in a Prison
by dragonair23
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CAST OF CHARACTERS WELTRUDE.......motherly Cloud Bruce, head of the Petpet Protection League
YURIUS................................................former rouge PPL agent, Skunk Kyrii
WARDEN........disgruntled warden for the Neopian Central Prison, Orange Ogrin
*** TIME: Night--The summer of Y15 SETTING: Upstage area indicates a dark room, lit only by ugly incandescent lights. A desk is placed in the center of the stage. Downstage area has a wall displaying a painted-on metal door, presumably the entrance to the cells. ACT ONE SCENE 1 (AT RISE we see that at the front desk, a scruffy Orange Ogrin sits in a worn-out chair, reading. He is the WARDEN. The footsteps of someone approaching are heard off stage.) WELTRUDE (off)
Excuse me, dear? I don't mean to interrupt your work, but I'm scheduled to see an inmate here. (WELTRUDE steps onto the stage. She is a motherly-looking Cloud Bruce wearing a sundress - certainly an odd clothing choice for visiting an inmate at a prison. Her hair is neatly cut back into a nice little bob, and a pair of earrings can be seen poking out from under it. A tray of cookies is in her hands, which she holds out to the WARDEN.) WELTRUDE
Cookie, dear? (The WARDEN stares at her flatly over his magazine. After a few moments, she delicately sets the cookies down on the desk.) WARDEN
(puts down the magazine)
All right. Name? WELTRUDE
I'm Weltrude, dear. Head of the PPL Agency? WARDEN
(clearly doesn't care)
And who are you visiting? WELTRUDE
That would be a Kyrii by the name of Yurius. He was an old student of mine, you see. I scheduled an appointment earlier, but perhaps you didn't-? WARDEN
(stands up with an annoyed sigh)
Right this way. (The WARDEN unlocks the "metal" door with a set of keys hanging from his belt, which is pulled away to form a backstage exit. Rather rude remarks can be heard offstage from some of the inmates as they pass through.) WELTRUDE
(without a hint of sarcasm)
Lovely place you have here.
SCENE 2 (As they stop in front of a cell, WELTRUDE peers inside at the figure of YURIUS, slumped over a piece of paper, scribbling something out with a pen and muttering to himself like a madman. The Skunk Kyrii's mane has grown incredibly long, almost to a ridiculous extent, and it hangs down in greasy strands around his face as he writes. The WARDEN raps loudly on the bars, causing YURIUS to start and turn.) WARDEN
Surprise surprise, someone actually wants to see you. No trouble, or else you lose this little privilege of yours. I'll be watching. (The WARDEN exits stage left. YURIUS stands up, but doesn't approach.) YURIUS
Ah, if it isn't my old employer. Come to scold me for not using a pencil? WELTRUDE
Yurius, please. I came here to have a civil discussion with you, not argue over pointless trivialities. YURIUS
If it was nothing but a triviality, then why did you fire me over it? WELTRUDE
I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to redirect the conversation. YURIUS
...Very well, then. What did you come here to talk about, then? Having second thoughts about having me unjustly jailed? (YURIUS leans against the wall, smiling.) WELTRUDE
As a matter of fact, no. I just wanted to check up on you. After all, it's been years since you... we last talked. YURIUS
Don't you mean since you last had me arrested? You don't need to feel guilty, you know. Prison's not so bad... Save for the other inmates, of course. And the low-quality food. And the lack of interaction with others... WELTRUDE
(scolding, much like a mother)
Do you think I can't see you're purposely trying to guilt trip me? This is your fault, you know. You're the one who put yourself in here by sabotaging the mission and putting those poor petpets in danger!
YURIUS
Danger? (YURIUS approaches the front of his cell, scowling slightly. He stands directly in front of WELTRUDE, hands clasped behind his back.) YURIUS
Tell me something, then. Why do you think those petpets were ever in danger? WELTRUDE
You scared the poor things half to death and left them alone for hours, for one thing! I'm just glad our agents were able to rescue them before they were traumatized fo- YURIUS
I never laid a hand on them! WELTRUDE
Well, clearly you did. They didn't just move themselves, now did they? YURIUS
Well, yes, I had to touch them to move the- That's not the point! There wasn't a scratch on any single one of those petpets, was there? I can tell you there wasn't! I'm sure your pathetic 'agents' didn't think to tell you that, now did they? WELTRUDE
My agents didn't need to tell me anything, for your information. I was able to see the whole mission via video feed. YURIUS
And yet you never noticed that the petpets were unharmed? Would you have even noticed if they had been hurt? Video camera footage isn't always the highest quality, you know. WELTRUDE
Of course I would have! And we only use the highest quality equipment available to ensure the safety of our agents. You should know that, seeing how you stole some of it from us before you left the agency. YURIUS
Consider it a parting gift. And let me remind you that I am completely certified to use said equipment, and far more skilled with it than those bumbling agents. After all, I got the portals opened first, did I not? WELTRUDE
That is true. (WELTRUDE becomes stern.) WELTRUDE (cont'd)
It is also true that our agents not only got out of the traps that you designed before you did, but they then had to save you from drowning! (YURIUS' grin fades.) WELTRUDE (cont'd)
And if you were willing to go to that extreme with our top three agents, then I don't even want to think about what you would have done to those darling petpets had we not stepped in and stopped you! YURIUS
Hah! I was merely using the petpets as a demonstration, to prove to you that I am the superior agent! And who says I was going to harm those pathetic rookies that you dare to call agents? They're not even worth my while! WELTRUDE
They're not worth your while? Then why did you bother to set up a complex trap meant to drown them if they weren't a threat to you? (YURIUS scowls and does not reply.) WELTRUDE
And on top of it all, you still claimed to represent the PPL as you were doing all of those horrible things! You should be ashamed of yourself. YURIUS
Me? Me?! (YURIUS' suddenly and forcefully grabs the cell bars dividing him and WELTRUDE, a wild look in his eyes.) YURIUS
I have nothing to be ashamed of! I worked harder than anyone else at the University! That job meant more to be then any of the other students, and I made sure to prove that! I should be ashamed!?! You fired an aspiring agent who was incredibly intelligent and skilled in the field just because he preferred to use a pen instead of a pencil! You completely destroyed his future over a pencil! YOU SHOULD BE ASHMED OF FIRING ME! (YURIUS may be getting increasingly delirious, but WELTRUDE is unfazed. Her voice is calm and even, almost like a teacher dealing with a disobedient student, and the only sign of anger she shows is a slight frown at YURIUS' yelling.) WELTRUDE
Need I remind you that you were constantly causing trouble even when you weren't disobeying office rules? Plagiarizing other's work, cheating on tests... YURIUS
Ha ha! So that's your excuse, is it? Firing a student for wanting to succeed?! WELTRUDE
(puts hand to temple)
I'm not getting through to you at all, am I? YURIUS
(slightly calmer, with an unpleasant smile)
You could always admit you were wrong to fire a magnificent agent like myself and hire me back. Then I'm sure we'd be able to see eye to eye, wouldn't we? WELTRUDE
Yurius, I've said it before and I'll say it again. You. Are not. A PPL. Agent. (YURIUS starts to object, but WELTRUDE holds up her hand, cutting him off. After a brief moment of hesitation, she decides to be the bigger person.) WELTRUDE (cont'd)
But... you may not be entirely wrong. YURIUS
...What did you say? WELTRUDE
Now, let me clarify. I'm not saying that I should hire you back, nor am I saying I was wrong to fire you all those years ago. (YURIUS' frown deepens into a scowl.) WELTRUDE (cont'd)
(gently)
What I am saying is that you needed – need – psychological help. Even back when you were still a student, I could tell you were... unstable, for lack of a better word. Talking to you here today has only proven my thoughts were correct. YURIUS
What?! You are a fool if you think that I am the one that needs help! You're-! (WELTRUDE holds up her hand, cutting YURIUS off yet again.) WELTRUDE (cont'd)
I really do do my best to help people, you know. People, petpets... They're all equally important to me, the little dears. Try as I may though, I can't help everyone. I should have tried to get you help when you were younger and more likely to get an effective treatment, but I failed to do so, and that's why we're standing here today. So while I will not apologize for firing you under any circumstances, I will say that I'm sorry that it all had to come to this. Let bygones be bygones? (WELTRUDE offers a professional handshake and a warm smile, sticking her flipper through YURIUS' cell bars. YURIUS steps back warily, looking back and forth between WELTRUDE's outstretched flipper and her face as if trying to determine if she's being genuine. Slowly, bit by bit, his expression softens. He slowly reaches out towards her hand, a few stray tears forming in his eyes.) YURIUS
... I... (YURIUS violently shakes his head, bitterly blinking away the tears. His face transforms into a snarl as he slaps WELTRUDE'S hand away.) YURIUS
You- You are a FOOL if you think I would forgive you that easily! One day I shall break out of here, and then we shall see who's-! WARDEN (off)
Hey! What's going on here? (The WARDEN steps between the two, quickly finishing off one of WELTRUDE'S cookies from earlier.) WARDEN (cont'd)
(to Yurius)
What did I say earlier? Get back in line, Spectacles! (YURIUS scoffs and turns on his heel, stalking off to the back of his cell. He picks up the pen from earlier and continues writing whatever he was working on when we arrived.) WARDEN
(aside, to Weltrude)
Ignore him. I don't think all the guy's staircases are going to the top floor, if you know what I mean. (We cut back to YURIUS, still gripping the pen tightly as he writes. He's gripping it so tightly, in fact, that the pen suddenly breaks, spilling black ink all over the paper. YURIUS cries out and desperately tries to wipe the ink off, to no avail. WELTRUDE looks back at him and shakes her head, though it's hard to say whether it's in disgust, pity, disappointment, or a mixture of all three.) WELTRUDE
(mostly to herself)
Perhaps I should have called a contractor, then. (WELTRUDE pauses, then turns back to the WARDEN and nods, offering him a small smile. They turn and leave the building without another word.) CURTAIN
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