An Interview with "Brains" Mortigan

Kuszemi: (knocks at the slightly dilapidated door, slightly apprehensively. no one answers.) Yoo, is anyone home?

(Kuszemi knocks for ten more minutes and is beginning to get a little antsy when Brains answers, looking even more dishevelled than usual and more than slightly disorientated.)

Brains: Arrr, who are yer? Don’t receive visitors on Fridays.

Kuszemi: It’s Monday, actually. I, um, wrote you a few weeks ago to say that I’d be dropping by for an interview. You never replied, but Derlyn says that you’re a bad correspondent at best and told me to come anyway.

Brains: I don’t receive visitors on Mondays either, not even from fellow Usuls. Certainly not chocolate ones. Now, if you were made of brains, that would be a different story..

Kuszemi: I would be slightly offended, but that reminds me of something. (whips out a Brain Muffin and offers it to Brains, whose dull eyes shine. The Muffin vanishes in an instant.)

Brains: All right, shan’t tell yer to scoot, not just yet. Interview yer want is it? What do yer want to know ‘bout me?

Kuszemi: Well, first of all, what made you decide to join the Haunted Woods team in the first place?

Brains: Err! I LIVE here, don’t I?! What team were you expectin’ me ter join - Faerieland?

Kuszemi: That was badly worded. I suppose I should have asked, what made you decide to join the Altador Cup in the first place?

Brains: That Yurble retired, didn’t he? So Krell Vitor comes up to my door like yourself one day and gives me a lovely tasty brain-flavoured Yooyuball to munch upon. Says there’s lots more of that if I just come along, nice and quiet. Next thing you know I’m out there on the field and that is one big ole elusive brain, let me tell yer.

Kuszemi: You seem to be enjoying it fine. So next question, what made you start playing Yooyuball in the first place?

Brains: Didn’t spend much time in Usul school as a kid. Got into trouble with the teachers.

Kuszemi: I can see how that might happen. So you spent most of your time outside playing Yooyuball.

Brains: That be right. They all said I was strong, though I didn’t run fast. Our team won the Yoo-Sul Championship when I was in middle school.

Kuszemi: (mouth drops open) You DID!? My hero! Here, have another muffin. (produces another Brain Muffin, which Brains gobbles up immediately)

Kuszemi: So, moving on. Are you currently living alone, or with family or friends?

Brains: ‘Lone.

Kuszemi: Wouldn’t that be a bit boring? Have you ever thought of starting a family, maybe?

Brains: Who, me? (burps extremely loudly, making Kuszemi back away with a slight frown.)

Kuszemi: Never mind answering that. I think I can see why not. Just out of curiosity, though, is there anyone you think you might like?

Brains: That’s for me ter know and yer to find out.

Kuszemi: Oh come on, please. A little gossip never hurt anyone. (hands Brains another muffin, which Brains gulps with gusto)

Brains: Yer are a tricky liddle one, aren’t yer?

Kuszemi: I try. Have another muffin? Who is she? (hands over not one, but two muffins)

Brains: (somewhat groggily) Well, there is that little Usul maid who sometimes hangs around Eliv Thade’s castle with that Gelert and Ixi.

Kuszemi: Gilly?

Brains: Maybe. Never spoken to her much. Was going to ask her out once, but then Fanetti showed up and we went brain hunting and I forgot.

Kuszemi: You seem to get along well with your team mates. That’s nice.

Brains: Eh, they be all right.

Kuszemi: Is there anyone you see more often?

Brains: Fanetti and I go brain hunting every Wednesday. He be quicker than I am, but I’m stronger. The other day he got hit by a pie, though. Don’t like those clowns.

Kuszemi: Out of interest, would you like to join an Usul Appreciation Club? We meet every Thursday.

Brains: Who be there? Are there any good brains to be had?

Kuszemi: Depends on how you look at it, I suppose. Your Gilly does show up every once in a while. We also have Uggsul, though I don’t understand what she’s trying to say half the time, Uzzaro, Captain Garin of the Black Pawkeet, and … uhm … (begins to stammer and blush) Hannah.

Brains: That little pirate barmaid? I see where this be going. YOU LIKE –

Kuszemi: (panicked) No, no! Not at all! It’s just a bit hot here is all. Oh, we have the Shadow Usul from time to time too. She comes to visit my brother the Wraith Usul sometimes. (begins muttering to himself) Though I wonder why she never talks to my cousin, who’s an actual Shadow Usul..

Brains: ‘Scuse me?

Kuszemi: (jumps and turns back to Brains) Oh. Sorry. Yes, I do apologise for rambling off like that. The interview.

Brains: Don’t think yer be a very good interviewer. Not the slimiest brain in the muffin box, are yer?

Kuszemi: I wouldn’t want to be, either. Moving on! What do you usually do in your spare time?

Brains: Arr. I play Yooyuball with whoever’s available. Fanetti and Zo are usually just a shout away. Most of the time I go around the woods looking for nice fresh brains. Yer’d be surprised at what yer find, sometimes.

Kuszemi: (laughs slightly nervously as he backs away and surreptitiously touches his own head)

Brains: Arr, yer be safe. I don’t eat Usul brains. Not usually, anyway.

Kuszemi: That sure makes me feel better.

Brains: (rather menacingly) Yer sassin’ me now, are yer?

Kuszemi: (not sure whether to take him seriously or not) Not at all. Anyway, next question! Do you have any goals or plans for the future?

Brains: Well, eatin’ -

Kuszemi: Apart from eating and hunting brains, that is.

Brains: Yer take the fun outta everythin’, don’t yer.

Kuszemi: How about asking out Gilly. That’s a nice goal.

Brains: Not as nice as yer asking out yer Hannah.

Kuszemi: (splutters in indignation) Who said anything about asking her out?

Brains: (shaking with mirth) Yer funny.

Kuszemi: (grumpily) At least one of us is enjoying themselves. Moving on. What do you think of Gormball, the uber-Usul game?

Brains: Booooooooooring.

Kuszemi: Oh come on, you can do better than that.

Brains: HAAAAAANNNN –

Kuszemi: (hurriedly) All right, all right, I get the point! Last question of the day, and isn’t this a relief. If you were ever visited by the Fountain Faerie, which colour would you want to paint yourself to?

Brains: I’m happy with the way I am. No blinkin’ faerie’s ever gonna change me.

Kuszemi: It’s a rhetorical question.

Brains: Ooh, ain’t you the brainy one wi’ yer big fancy words.

Kuszemi: (takes a tentative step backwards) Don’t you get any funny ideas.

Brains: (chuckles) I was just messin’ wi’ yer.

Kuszemi: So which colour is it?

Brains: I wouldn’t mind Halloween. Nice pitcherfork. All the better to eat brains with.

Kuszemi: Why am I not surprised?

Brains: Yer weren’t expectin’ me to say something like Baby or Strawberry?

Kuszemi: Shockingly, no.

Brains: Sassin’ me again are we?

Kuszemi: (eyes Brains uncertainly, not sure whether he’s bluffing or not, and takes a tentative step back) Not at all, Mr. Brains sir.

Brains: (takes a step closer to Kuszemi, who takes another step back) Let me let you in on a little secret. I don’t usually eat Usul brains, but once in a blue moon I’ll make an exception. Especially for spicy little Chocolate Usuls… (bares his blunt teeth and bounds forward)

Kuszemi: And ladies and gents I think that concludes our interview for the day. (turns and runs for the woods, with Brains’ laughter echoing around on all sides )