What Even is that? 20 Strange Items in Neopia

     Given how diverse and unique Neopians are, it’s wholly unsurprising that some of their inventions are equally as diverse and unique. Between decorating Neohomes and fighting opponents in the Battledome to preparing dinner parties and brushing up on the latest Neopian literature, there is certainly a benefit to having access to such a wide array of goods at our disposal. But some of these goods are truly beyond comprehension. Too often I find myself asking, “What even is that??” or “Why does this exist??” I frequently ponder how these items originated and what purposes they serve. I also wonder about the fates of their creators. And now, I’d like to share some of those oddities with you.

     Food:

     1. The Stuff

     What is The Stuff made of? Where did it come from? Does it taste good? Why would anyone ever eat it? Why does it stop growing once it’s been eaten? The answers to these burning questions will forever elude us.

     2. Ant Eaten Corn Dog

     Listen, I’m all about reducing food waste and increasing sustainable food practices. But this is taking things just a bit too far, don’t you think?

     3. Uh Oh, Spaghetti Eyes

     This food is not only strange, but truly terrifying. If I was a child and someone served this to me, I would have recurring nightmares about spaghetti pouring out of people’s eyeballs for many years.

     4. Burger Stuffed Orange

     I’ve got a lot of questions about this one. Does the orange still have the rind on it? If so, do you peel the orange before you eat it? And then don’t you basically just have a burger and some orange slices? This seems like a way to pass the hard work of orange-peeling onto the consumer…

     5. Disturbing Gelatin

     I just want to know more about this gelatin’s childhood. What happened to you? Why are you like this?

     Neohome Items:

     6. Spooky Toilet

     “Eeek… would you want to sit on this toilet?” Honestly, this would make an incredible addition to a haunted house but that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s objectively strange. Also, is it haunted? Is it sentient? Or does it just look spooky?

     7. Stagnant Puddle of Water

     Okay but that’s a leak and could cause some serious problems so you might want to get it checked out.

     8. Dung Carpet

     It seems like this carpet sets a dangerous precedent that it’s acceptable to relieve oneself anywhere they please. And if there’s anything that Petpet Sitter has taught us, it’s that everyone loses when we use the living room as a restroom.

     9. Mummy Intruder Window

     What, so mummies can’t use doors now? This just feels rude.

     10. Slingshot Lamp

     If you’re a parent and you put this in your Neohome, you are not allowed to be mad when a window inevitably breaks and lets more mummies in. It's really your fault at that point.

     Books:

     11. 101 Cheese Slices

     Is this even a book? Is there a Neopian alive who could get through this book without eating it? But also, what are you supposed to do with it if not eat it? What's the shelf life of this cheesy book? And, most importantly, what kind of cheese is it?

     12. Can You Read This?

     Yes, but you’re making it very difficult. (I’m also curious about the content of this book. I’m imagining it as a heartwarming tale about a young Quiggle who has trouble learning to read until one day a teacher gives him this book and suddenly it all makes sense and he goes on to write an award-winning autobiography detailing his struggles. Truly a story for the ages!)

     13. Compost Dung Right

     Step 1: Don’t throw this book in the compost bin because it's covered in dung which poses a health hazard to Neopians if consumed. Step 2: Throw this book in the dumpster because it’s literally made of dung. Step 3: Shower forever.

     14. How to Creatively Stop Kitchen Fires

     I'm no genius, but if your kitchen is on fire I feel like it’s probably not the best time to experiment with your creative side…

     15. I HATE Carrots!

     I get it, buddy. I really do. But doesn’t this seem a little petty? I hate cilantro, but I didn’t write a book about it.

     Battle Magic:

     16. 17-pound Trout

     This trout does not look like it’s 17 pounds. I think this is one of those times where someone tells a tall tale about their last trip to Ye Olde Fishing Vortex that quickly spirals out of control. The first time the story is told, the trout is 5 pounds. And then it’s 8 pounds, and then 12, and eventually, “IT WAS 17 POUNDS, I swear!!”

     17. Bologna Pimento Glove

     Oh man, can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to lose a battledome fight against a Neopet wielding this? And probably quite salty.

     18. Deadly Attack Spork

     Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it. No, wait, I was being sarcastic. Stop that… Seriously, stop… STOP!

     19. Devious Top Hat and Cane

     “Sophisticated and deadly!” I definitely understand where you’re coming from when you describe this as sophisticated, but I’m struggling to understand the “deadly” part. Maybe I’m not imaginative enough, but this just seems like a good way to distract your opponent with some cabaret until you can make a quick escape. Is that what makes it devious? Or is it devious because it’s unexpected that it would be deadly?

     20. E-Z Brand My First Death Axe

     Nothing says, “I’m a responsible person,” quite like buying your Neopet a death-axe kit. Your friends will be so impressed!

     In sum, this is a strange, strange land comprised of equally strange things. There are many more weird and unique items floating around Neopia that I have certainly missed in this brief list. I’d love to hear about them. Neomail me with your top picks. I’d also love to hear theories about how some of these strange items originated. Thanks for going on this weird journey with me!