50 Ways to Exploit the Power of Asparagus

Asparagus is like dung. You never really know what to do with it. Of course, now, by a recent discovery, we found that we can make dung pancakes. So that just leaves asparagus. What could we really do with them? We could eat them. Or we could- wait, did you just think I was serious??

HAHAHAHAHAAAA! This just cracks me up, haha, heh, oh yeah….erm…sorry.

Anyway, asparagus has become quite common in Neopia. And then there’s the item description. Sure, labeled FOOD, but it’s now just labeled JUNK. Heck, even Skeiths won’t touch it (so stop throwing them at the bank Skeith! There was a reason you lost your pretty million NP)! So, to aid you in your abundant asparagus-ness, here are some rather creative, fun, and occasionally dangerous (hey, it can’t be fun if it ain’t dangerous!) to use, get rid of, destroy the world with, or exploit Adam with asparagus!

1. Those gazebos too expensive? Add a touch of green to your Neogarden with these new Asparagus Gazebos! Kills bugs 10 times faster!

2. Throw it in some jelly and give it away for April Fools. Or May Fools. Or any day is fine.

3. You can also throw it in some jelly and send it back to the Jelly Processing Plant as a reject, earning yourself a nice shiny dime. Wait, then there’s cost of stamp… forget I said anything.

4. Carve it into a pencil. Available in green and pink! Note: Pink means Green.

5. Stuff this into a Chocolate Chia if your Lupe has been bad. May result in amnesia, excessive drooling or self-abandonment.

6. Send your relative a nice bunch of asparagus. Of course, then, they’d stop giving gifts to you on your birthday.

7. See if Adam is nearby, glue asparagus on the ground, then laugh as he tries to pick it up. (We are not responsible for any severe sickness that just *happens* to be put on your pet)

8. Use it as a threat when you find Sloth. Even THAT guy won’t touch it, and he’s pure evil!

9. Send it to Adam for Christmas. Maybe you’ll find one million Neopoints later : ) (Adam… the asparagus is calllllling to you!)

10. Use it to knock out the Snowager for an hour, lets see him try to send an icy blast now!

11. When your math teacher at Neoschool asks why you don't have your homework, you can say it was smashed up in rotten asparagus. I don't think they will want your homework anymore!

12. If your Neopets are picky with vegetables, tell them "Don't make me get that asparagus!".

13. Throw this into the Witch's dinner cauldron and you've got entertainment for HOURS!

14. When your Neohome is taken over by thieves, burn some asparagus and smoke those suckers out!

15. Zap it with the lab ray a few times and then create a maniacal army of SUPER ASPARAGUS!!!!

16. Send it to Adam for Hanukah. Maybe you’ll find a Wand of Dark Nova under your tree later : )

17. Create your own asparachucks! (Of course, they’d be stale and rotten, have the power of a picket fence, and even Adam wouldn’t want- actually, there’s a pretty good bet you’ll still find a nice Wand of Dark Nova sometime soon : )

18. Asparagus puppet show. You get to perform with veggies, and kids can throw them back at you after the show!

19. Why use BANANippers slippers, when you can have ASPARAGUSlippers? Bandages not included.

20. The greatest cheat in history for Whack-a-Staff… the smell of asparagus automatically makes everyone unconscious, then you can lure Adam and just whack him about a hundred times when he gobbles it up. (Not only this, but AFTER you play the game three times, do it anyway, it’s fun! Small price to pay to see Adam suffer. MUAHUAHUA…)

21. Get a fishing line, attach asparagus to the hook and stand on top of a building. Wait for Adam to pass by, see the asparagus, and jump on his stubby legs. You point and laugh, and possibly sing a song on how tasty asparagus is. (If anyone is interested- meet me Sunday atop the Food Shop)

22. Dress in ratty clothes, and hold an asparagus in NeoDowntown. Stare at it really sad looking. You wouldn’t believe how many people gave me food!

23. Send it to Adam for Kwanza. Maybe you’ll find a spiffy line of magical plushies in your SDB later (hint hint Adam) : )

24. Asparagus coin pouch! No robbers will ever take hold of that pouch! Then again, neither would you…

25. Why use roses for your NeoProm, when you can use Asparadaisies? WARNING: There is a high risk of being scarred for life. If you don’t believe me, look at Adam.

26. Aspaggussbombs- It’s stinky, can definitely blind and freeze people, radioactive, AND it may give a horrible taste on their tongue! (what am I saying, MAY? Of course it’ll put a putrid taste on their tongue!)

27. Oh my, you’re still reading this? Let me whack you with asparagus so you can get your mind in the right place.

28. Makes a good deodorant! No, wait… I mean an odorant.

29. Why use an ordinary straw scarecrow, when you can make a ASCARACROW? Warning: Using this product may result in loss of appetite, nausea, fainting, and a horrible smell in your Neogarden, and that ain’t the dung fertilizer!

30. You thought a world of jelly was ridiculous, what about a world of ASPARAGUS? Not the best place to be, but I hear Adam hangs around there if you want to chat. (Please Adam, don’t get ideas!)

31. I've heard the new asparagus plushies are at toy stores all around! For $19.99, you can have a plushies that looks and smells like asparagus. They have currently sold 1 so far! Thanks for being the first customer, Adam!

32. Adam Humiliation plot #6638: Here Adam, Adam, Adam, here boy! Follow the asparagus… here boy, *throws asparagus* Go get it boy! Get it, get it!

33. Tired of that smelly breath that Tyrannian pets have? Why don't you give them that smell that others have *cough* Adam *cough* and give them asparagus!

34. Send it to Adam for his birthday. Maybe you’ll find a bag of neggs under your pillow tonight. : ) (Well, it was better than that time I tried to bribe the Negg Faerie… then I found out the whole point of her being there! Yup, that’s right! To continue the trend of scantily clad women!)

35. Write an article on how to Use, Get Rid of, Destroy the World with, or Exploit Adam with Asparagus, in which you will be frozen and have no more asparagus worries.

36. Going to the Neoprom? Take a bouquet of asparagus daisies and watch your social status drop. And drop and drop!

37. Breed a army of super asparagus and watch the world shrivel up in disgust until it’s a prune. Actually, I want to try that…

38. Aparaints. Hey, it’s better than asparaslippers! Wait. No they aren’t.

39. The perfect material for an alarm clock! The only clock that never shuts off. Enjoy your nighttimes with the aroma of asparagus and never have to worry about missing those infomercials again! Sponsored by the makers of the Mad Clock.

40. The most primitive way to get rid of asparagus may be the most fun- chucking them at Adam! DUH!

41. Chuck, chuck, chuck, smack, smack, smack… erm… right. *Lets see… number 41.. (flips a few pages..) ah yes…* Make an asparagus cannon (complete with asparagus yoghurt powder) and chuck them at Adam even faster!

42. Create a tranquility garden- because, if you’re the only one with nose plugs, everyone drops dead (and therefore quiet) within a 50-milie radius.

43. Create a fire barrier between you an Adam. Then, hold a basket of asparagus and sing this song-

45 asparaguses-es-es to destroy

45 asparaguses-es-es

You cut of the its top,

In a pit it drops.

Watch Adam scream.

Make ice cream,

44 asparaguses-es-es to destroy.

44. A new way to wake the Turmaculus! Guaranteed to work 99.9% of the time for your petpet to become dinner. Or lunch. Or breakfast. Or brunch. Or a midnight snack. Or anytime snack. Or- now you’re getting annoyed aren’t you?

45. MGG: Dr. Sloth- don’t cha think sparkly green paint is well, too sparkly?

Dr. Sloth: (nod nod. Mask falls)

MGG: Well, here comes the sparkly green paint reject! 100% REAL asparagus with 100% REAL asparagus made glit-

Dr. Sloth: (Thud)

MGG: Oh, come on, it doesn’t smell that ba- THUD.

46. Magic 8 Asparagus Ball. Ask a question and it will reply something stupid and useless! We will assure you will be amused for at least 30 seconds!

47. Hand-crafted asparagus furniture (and you’re wondering why you‘re a loner).

48. Asparagus voodoo doll! Watch Adam dance around like a crazy bird! Wait a second… he dances like a crazy bird every night.

49. Eat it. But let’s try the other ways first, shall we? And if that doesn’t convince you-

HAHAAAA, oh my, this guy just cracks me up HAHAAAAHAAAA!

50. Send it to Adam for Flag Day. Maybe by then, he’ll get bankrupt and we’ll alllllll get that stupid Number Six avatar. And of course, a million Neopoints and a way to get your dignity back… nah. Actually, if you try any of these things suggested, people will think you’re crazy. Just like if you actually read all of this article. My, you really did. Can we get a straitjacket here? Don’t worry, you’ll be transported to a mental facility soon. Just relax and think of asparagus.

And don’t forget! Everything’s more disgusting with asparagus! Throw it at someone who hate! So, next time you see me, throw an asparagus at me! Don’t worry, I’m used to it! *smack* Not THAT used to it!

Note: This isn’t a threat of the Union of Asparagus Lovers, or any other *cough* insane *cough* groups of people honoring asparagus.

I’m in trouble now aren’t I? (sound of angry mob)