Under the Sea

About 50 years ago or so it seems, Old Maraqua was destroyed... only recently the city has been rebuilt to be more safe and powerful than ever! King Kelpbeard has generously started selling property to us so the tripled taxes we have to pay are more than worth it! Isn't he nice! And I'm not just saying that because he threatened me!

After you arrive in Maraqua, it may not seem like much. A few fish, some kelp here or there, but you'll soon discover some great things about living underwater. For example, those neighbors won't be a problem because if they yell at you for having a full set of dung furniture, which is flaking off and floating to their yard, all you'll hear is an angry voice muffled by the water. That'll make you laugh, they'll yell at you even louder, you'll laugh even harder, and by the end of each day they'll have a headache from yelling so much. That'll teach them to give you more respect. Not only that, but sometimes they'll throw the dung chunks that floated in their yard at you and you can have a full-on Dung War! Invite your friends, get practicing, and build your dung fort soon because the championship is right around the corner!

Dung Wars, you ask? Yes, in Maraqua, Dung Wars is the national sport. I think. Well, Dung Wars originated in Terror Mountain, believe it or not. The Tyrannians took Snow Wars, made a few tweaks to suit their taste, and when Maraquans found out, it was all the rage. Unfortunately the dung was washed away before you could throw it so now we use solid dung. If you lost your appetite after that paragraph, you're going to have to hide in your house by the time Dung war championships arrive. If you gained an appetite instead of losing it, well, you're just weird.

You're probably wondering what you'll do about breathing if you're underwater. Well, you could hope you grow gills. When you were a child you imagined you sprouted wings, so what's the difference? If gills are too unfashionable for your pets, especially to you Uni owners, hold your breath when you leave the house. See? Problem solved.

The government in Maraqua is a piece of work. There's only one king, so only one person to take control of your tiny minds. And blackmail you into writing articles about his kingdom. But since I don't want my 1 million-Neopoint Meepit Protection Center the king built for me destroyed, I guess I better not say anything about the king or the Meepits will get me. They may not be able to swim but if they grow gills like you did, I'm a goner. Moving on.

The food is great here in Maraqua. There's kelp, coral, and even kelp! But stay away seafood lovers, because if you eat even one wittle fishy, you'll be seeing the business end of a Maractite sword very soon. So remember grasshopper, you eat fish and fish eat you. Way of life. Get used to it.

Speaking of Maractite swords, if you join their army you can defend Maraqua against the forces of eevilll. Those Meepits have to be kept back as long as possible so I can talk bad about the king, because if the Meepits are kept away I won't need a Meepit Protection Center. So if you love me you'll protect me from the Meepits. Oh, don't worry about where to sign up, I knew you'd say yes so I already filled out the forms. You begin training at 4:00am sharp!

Now, that's all fine and dandy, but where's the fighting? On dry land you're used to going to the Battledome all the time and might not want to live underwater for that reason. BUT, before you go to some other slightly insane real estate agent for help, let me finish. With Maraqua come Maraquan pets who want to eat your brains, Grarrls in particular. I can't tell you how many times I've had to fight for my life against one of those things. And those Maraquan Lupes... don't want one of those to roll on top of you. Don't want to risk the chance of getting in trouble for attacking a citizen? There is a Maraquan Battledome, where making pets cry is totally legal! What did I tell you? Maraqua is just as dangerous as Neopia Central, so you should be dying to come here!

As I said before, the people are great. Every day they will greet you by pointing and laughing. If they're pointing at you, that means they are talking about you, and if they're laughing, that means they have a smile on their face, which has to be a good thing. Right? And if they pick on you and call you names, just remember one thing: Everyone is a future fish stick. That always made me feel better when the men in the white coats gave me a vacation in the Funny Farm, aka the Happy Hotel, aka the place with the nice padded rooms. I don't know why I didn't like those guys, that room was cozy... anyways, back to the trying-to-get-you-to-buy-my-home scheme.

Money is a big part in everyone's life and is the source of all happiness... or was it evil? ... Uh, anyway, making money in Maraqua is no problem. You could try your hand at being a Maractite-mining slave, which pays a good 10np per hour. Or if you had your eye on that fancy restaurant with the shiny 'Kelp' sign, you could be a waiter or waitress. They've seen your cooking, so you have no chance at being a chef, but taking orders probably wouldn't make trouble with the health inspectors. You could get an amazing 30np per hour as a waiter or waitress. Will you be living the good life or what?

This should be more than enough reasons to live in the city of Mostly Automated Robots And Quiggles Under Attack, also known as M.a.r.a.q.u.a. So have fun, drive safe, and don't eat yellow snow.