Melodramatic Stories and Tales for Landlubbers

      It was a pleasant, peaceful and bright Saturday afternoon in Neopia Central. The violent red sun was finally dipping below the horizon, sending dark shadows across Neopia Avenue.

      Jon, a red Eyrie, was walking home with several of his friends.

      "And then, like, I totally told him to get lost, and you know what he said? Like?" chortled a very potent fire Lupe.

      "Dude, what did that little Kiko have to say to you, dude?" said a robot Skeith, walking by his side.

      "Man, I like, totally zoned out for, like, a second. What were we talking about?" asked the Lupe.

      "You were talking about the Kiko you beat up yesterday," Jon said gruffly. The Lupe and the Skeith stared at the red Eyrie, at a loss for words. Jon blinked, and grinned. "Like, yeah, that Kiko dude. Dude."

      "Right, man!"

      The three creatures turned left and began to walk down the old cobbled street of Neopia Avenue. They laughed and cackled as the fire Lupe went into excessive detail about all the damage that he had caused to the poor, defenseless, little Kiko.

      "Like, Jon-Dude, is that your FAMILY?" interrupted the Skeith.

      The robot Skeith had just pointed down the street to a rather large display sitting in the middle of the lawn of Number 63994 that seemed to be a perfect replica of the Jon's living room. The only difference was that it happened to be sitting out in the middle of the front lawn.

      Jon sighed in annoyance and mumbled, "Not again," as the Lupe and the Skeith began to chuckle.

      Rushing over to the living room set, Jon let out a groan of exasperation. It was indeed his living room. Two overstuffed blue armchairs with mismatched pillows surrounded the speckled coffee table and a small bookshelf. The scarlet couch faced the end of the lane. Several lamps and candles lit up the wonderful display of exterior design.

      Perched precariously on top of the bookshelf was Jon's younger sister Yoko, a white Aisha. "Hi, Jon!" she giggled. She was holding a small sign with a picture of a vast array of vegetables on it.

      "What on EARTH are you protesting now, Erika?" Jon said, turning to his mother, a young girl lounging on the couch.

      "We," Erika started, waving a hand around at Yoko, herself, and Jon's older brother Gioacchino (a mutant Kacheek), "are protesting the unfair prices of organic vegetables. Grab a sign, join us!"

      Jon blinked and the sniggers from the Skeith and the Lupe behind him became more apparent.

      Erika craned her neck around Jon to see the two strangers. "Hello! Did you know that it costs more money to buy organic vegetables in Neopia than regular vegetables that were more than likely chemically treated in some way, shape, or form? Don't you find that a bit strange? It's almost as if you're paying more to buy less ingredients in your food!"

      She said all of this very quickly.

      Jon slapped himself. "My family is protesting vegetables. Maybe I'll just wake up, and this will all be a very strange dream with more of those dancing bathtubs in it..."

      The Lupe and the Skeith sniggered again.

      Erika handed the robot Skeith a cardboard sign with a painted bunch of carrots on it. "There you go!" she said happily. "Now go on home, and tell all your friends about the unjust prices of organic vegetables!"

      The Skeith and the Lupe turned and left, sniggering the entire way home.

      "They seemed nice," Yoko said.

      Jon looked up at her. "Yeah, they WERE nice! They were my friends! And then they met you lot," he growled, pointing at Erika, Gioacchino, and Yoko, "and now they probably think I'm a vegetable-obsessed nut-job!"

      "Nonsense," Gioacchino said. "They probably think you're a vegan activist as well."

      "My family is so embarrassing," Jon muttered under his breath.

      Erika sighed, and gave Jon a big hug. "Listen," she said kindly. "You can do better than the likes of those two. Real friends don't laugh at you when they see you in a time of need. Real friends can accept you for who you are, not what you are."

      Jon made an attempt to smile, failed miserably, and settled on his "I'm-Still-Depressed-And-Your-Words-Of-Wisdom-Aren't-Helping" expression.

      "C'mon," Erika said, scooting over on the couch to allow room for Jon to sit. "There's still enough light to read a story from the Neopedia before nightfall."

      She pulled the fat volume of the Neopedia off of the bookshelf and began to flip through it at random. Finally, she stopped, jabbing her finger in between two pages.

      "What story is it?" asked Yoko excitedly.

      "Hannah and the Pirate Caves," Erika announced.

      "I'm going to bed," Jon mumbled.

      "No. You. Aren't," Erika said, pulling him back onto the couch. She balanced the book on her lap and began to read, the last rays of sunlight illuminating the page.

      "She crept through the tiny tunnel, her hands and skirt covered in wet dirt, moisture from the cave walls dripping into her eyes."

      "I feel your pain and I sympathize with you, Hannah..." Jon said mournfully.

      "Hannah gritted her teeth and kept moving forward. Her mind was focused only on her goal; everything else - the mud, the moisture, the tight claustrophobic caves - were only distractions."

      "Her goal was survival. Suddenly Hannah had become the hunted, in this, the most dangerous game," Gioacchino said mysteriously.

      "Hannah climbed out of the tunnel, and after a quick look around, she stretched her cramped legs. So far so good, she thought. No sign of..."

      "Pirates!"

      "Gelfs!"

      "Uruk-Hai!"

      "Just then, she heard voices coming from around the corner of the caves, footfalls moving through the mud. Pirates! "

      "Why can't I ever be right?" grumbled Gioacchino.

      "Oh... oh... oh... y'know," Yoko said, snapping her fingers annoyingly in his face with a smug grin on her face, for it was she who had said pirates.

      "Hannah ducked back into the tiny cave, her movements quick and sure."

      "Mind that fifty-foot crater!"

      "What fifty-foot cra-AAAAIIEEE!!!"

      "The Usul could see them... she could hear their laughter, and the sound of their boots as they walked by the small cavern. She clung to the shadows, hoping they would hide her," read Erika.

      "But alas, Hannah's no-carb diet had finally failed her," Jon smirked.

      "Just... one... more... push... NO! Curse the person who came up with this! You and your pathetic protein promises!" Gioacchino said, using his best high-pitched Hannah impression.

      "Moments later, when the crude, laughing voices were only echoes, she pulled herself back out of the tiny cave. That was close. Quickly down the way the pirates came. With skirts whooshing around her ankles as she ran, Hannah climbed a crude ladder to another level. Do these caves have no end? she thought."

      "Lay down, rest your weary head... you have come to journey's end..." Jon sang softly.

      "Down another twisting tunnel, she came upon a sliding ridge, water rushing down its smooth sides. The Usul adventurer peered down to see where it might lead, but the darkness refused to give up its secrets."

      "Voiceless it cries, wingless flutters, toothless bites, mouthless mutters..."

      "What are you blabbering on about?" Jon asked his brother.

      "Riddles in the dark! Get it? Get it?" Gioacchino cackled as his siblings groaned in exasperation.

      "She then pulled out her map and looked at the hand-written directions. "This is the place," she whispered, returning a skeptical gaze towards the waters that rushed down the incline. Hannah shrugged and grinned, tucking the map back into her belt pouch. "You only live once," she whispered, then jumped," read Erika.

      "Don't worry, we'll all float on, right now! All ready? We'll all float on..." Jon said, tapping his taloned foot in perfect rhythm with his tune.

      "She slid down the underground waterfall, until hitting a flash of ice cold. As the water rushed up over her head, Hannah held her breath and shut her eyes..."

      "Following in Mrs. Woolf's footsteps, I see..."

      "Poor taste, Gee-Gee," Yoko said, glowering at her brother.

      "However, she'd noticed a glint in the distance. Opening her eyes, she looked and..."

      "CHLORINE! Which one of you scurvy pirates dumped the whole lot into the lake? I expressly said one fourth of a quart would suffice!"

      "There it is! At the bottom of the lake, a tightly locked casket was chained to the floor, bearing the seal of the Pirates of the Black Dawn,"

      "Arr... excuse me for a moment, I have a sudden urge to say bootstraps," Yoko said gruffly.

      "She swam up to catch her breath. Breaking the top of the water, Hannah grabbed a deep breath of air, then dove back down to the bottom of the lake. The pressure of the water above her hurt her ears and made her head ache, but her hands found her tools and began working on the padlock."

      "Oh, curses! I suppose this blowtorch isn't going to be much help to me at 1300 leagues..." Jon said, using his best imitation of Hannah's voice.

      "It only took a moment - her grandfather had been a good teacher - before the lid popped open, releasing air bubbles and gold coins. It was a strange sight, watching the gold coins fall like raindrops, from the ground back up to the sky."

      "Scientifically impossible, but I won't press the matter," Gioacchino said.

      "She grabbed a few of them - you can never have too much gold - but the real prize floated up before her face; she gazed for a long moment before taking it into her hands."

      "The Philosopher's Stone!"

      "The Heart of the Ocean!"

      "Erm... the pristine bullet?"

      "The jewel shone emerald green, and was almost as big as her head. Hannah took it with both hands, then kicked against the water to rush up towards the surface. The breath was stale in her lungs and longed for release. When she broke the surface, Hannah took a deep gasp of the cold cavern air..."

      "The Bendz! Oh, the pain! The agony!" cried out Jon mockingly.

      "...and held the jewel up to her eyes. In the dim light, it did not shine as she expected, but she knew what the gem would look like once it had been brought into the sunlight. "How many men have lost you?" she asked."

      "Well, there was this one guy that spent his entire life searching for me, y'know," Gioacchino mentioned. "He pretty much dedicated his entire life in pursuit of me, just to end his life pushing up daisies from a foreign disease on the beach of a foreign country..."

      "How melodramatic of you, Gee-Gee," Yoko smiled.

      ""And how many a man has found you, only to lose you again?" she said, then smiled. "Well, I'm not going to lose you." She wrapped the jewel up in silk. "I promise.""

      "She's got a little bit of hope, like soap on a rope," Jon smirked.

      "Hannah looked at the shoreline of the underground cavern. "Now, all I have to do is find a way out." She picked a side and started swimming. Ten minutes later, she stood at the edge of the lake, checking her supplies. A bit of bread, some fresh water, a coil of rope, and a small watertight box that contained pieces of flint and steel..."

      "Did you remember you inquisitive temperament and two good friends, Hannah?" Gioacchino added.

      "...Always carry flint and steel, her grandfather taught her. Never know when a good fire might come in handy..."

      "Especially around alkali metals," Gioacchino added.

      Erika sighed loudly. "Honestly, I've gotten used to you lot interrupting me, but when I can't finish a sentence..." Gioacchino hung his head in apology. Erika cleared her throat and began again, "She smiled at the thought of sitting by his side, listening to his stories of the high seas... but then another darker memory filled her thoughts, and she put her mind to focusing on the present. She was still in the caves... and even though they looked familiar, nothing seemed to match her map. "I know this place," she said. "But everything's changed.""

      "Urban sprawl," Yoko said simply.

      "A flash of light blinded her..."

      "Light pollution," Yoko hissed.

      "And laughter filled her ears."

      "Erm... I guess I can't explain that one," Yoko grumbled.

      "We know your intentions were for the best, Yoko," Gioacchino whispered kindly, "but persuading Hannah to recycle her papers and plastics for the good of the environment will not make this story move any faster."

      "Hannah's hands reached up to guard her sight, and through her fingers she saw where the laughing came from. A black hat sat crooked on his head; the scars on his face made his smile look twisted, and his only remaining eye was filled with wicked glee."

      "Pirates!"

      "Wow, Yoko... your comprehension rate gets better and better with each passing day..."

      ""Hello, Hannah dear," he said through broken teeth. "What are you doing here?""

      "Oh, I'm simply finding the last piece of gold that will break the 300 year old curse that causes you and your lot of scurvy curs to turn into skeletons by the light of the moon, so I can avenge the death of my forefathers and whatnot and kill you properly. You know, same-old, same-old," Jon said in Hannah's high-pitched voice.

      "Hannah scowled at the man and the three pirates behind him - each with bows trained at her head. "Hello, Uncle Bloodhook," she said through gritted teeth. "You know what I'm here for.""

      "Hand over the high-carbohydrate muffin caps and cheese doodles and nobody gets hurt," Yoko growled.

      ""The Mermaid's Tear," he said, nodding. "That little bauble is mine.""

      "You know how Uncle Bloodhook likes his baubles," Jon said knowingly. "Just you try to steal one of his little baubles and he'll be all over you like Hannah at Huebert's Hot Dog's annual All-You-Can-Eat buffet."

      Erika rolled her eyes. "I don't want to hear any more jokes about Hannah's weight. It's very rude," she said, glaring at Gioacchino and Jon pointedly before continuing the story. ""It was my grandfather's!" she shouted at him. "You stole it from him, just before you..." Hannah couldn't bring herself to finish the thought."

      "The thought of you reliving your old war stories until grandfather went insane is just too much!"

      ""That's right," Bloodhook said, drawing his sword. "And when I take it from you, I'm gonna do the very same thing." She ducked and dodged backward, his sword swinging too high. Hannah ran down the corridor, arrows ricocheting off the walls around her."

      "Dun dun-dun-duuunn... dun dun-duuun..."

      ""Get her, you fools!" he shouted. "Or you'll all be hanging from the mizzenmast!""

      "Arr, I'll be mentionin' this on me worker's compensation W4 form, for sure, Cap'n, arrr," Gioacchino said gruffly.

      "She ran down the caves, turning at random, hoping to lose the pirates. However, that also meant she was going further and further into caves - without keeping track on her map. I'll lose the pirates, but I'll lose myself, too, she thought."

      "Lose yourself in the music, the moment, you want it," Jon chanted.

      "After taking another turn, and climbing up a steep incline, she entered a small chamber... loaded with boxes, and barrels... and no other exit. Spinning about, Hannah heard the pirates' voices close behind her. Were they at the base of the incline? She looked around for a weapon... anything she could use."

      "I can't believe it! I'm stuck in a warehouse with no exit and not even a GLIMPSE of a bubble gun!"

      "That's when Hannah saw what was printed on the sides of those cases. Caution: Black Powder."

      "What have I told you about the alkali metals, Hannah?" Gioacchino said warningly.

      "A smile slowly grew on her face, as she looked down to see the pirates at the base of the incline. Tearing off part of her skirts, Hannah reached for the flint and tinder kit in her pouch. "Always carry flint and steel," she whispered, shoving a piece of lit cloth into a hole at the top of the barrel."

      "Insert evil maniacal laugh here," Yoko said.

      ""Thanks, grandpa." She pushed the black powder barrel down the incline, then watched the pirates look up, surprised... "

      "KAMIKAZE USUL!"

      "She just might get out of here, after all," Erika said, shutting the thick Neopedia and replacing it on the bookshelf. The last rays of the evening sun had finally disappeared into the horizon. Erika busied herself with lighting several candles.

      Yoko sighed. "Hannah was such a brave Usul," she said in admiration.

      Gioacchino snorted. "Yeah, brave. She would have NEVER gotten away from her Uncle Bloodhook and his little clique of pirate chums if it weren't for the wisdom her grandfather had handed down to her."

      Erika smiled. "Family can be a positive influence," she said wisely, glancing over at Jon.

      Jon grinned back at his mother.

      "I still say Hannah was the hero," Yoko said defiantly.

      "I say that it's time for bed," Erika interjected suddenly, standing up and stretching. As the four trooped inside and away from the makeshift outdoor living room, Jon turned to Erika.

      "Thanks," he muttered.

      "For what?"

      "For keeping me away from that stupid Lupe and that moron of a Skeith. Thank you for being my family," he whispered out of earshot of his siblings.

      Erika bent down to hug the Eyrie. "Awww," she cooed. "You're very welcome, Johnny-boy."

      Jon gasped and pried himself out of his mother's arms. "Just because I complimented you on your parenting doesn't mean I've turned into a cuddly-wuddly mama's boy. No hugging and definitely no sickeningly sweet pet-names in public areas," he said, turning to go inside the house.

      Erika smiled happily, running after him. "It doesn't matter. You'll still be little ickle-widdle-Jonnikins to me!"

      Jon turned bright red as Yoko and Gioacchino began to laugh uncontrollably, carrying their pro-organic vegetable signs inside and out of the cool night air.

      It was end of another evening at 63994, Neopia Avenue, but not an entirely wasted one, for Jon had learned a very important lesson. It wasn't a lesson that can be described in mere words; only in simple actions. It was a lesson of family. It may seem like a simple lesson, but lessons like these can't be taught. They can be lived. Very few people understand the value of a family, but in retrospect, very few people have been able to suffer through the turkey dinners.

The End