Say "Argh!"

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what kind of Neomail could be so out of the ordinary for me to have mentioned it above all the other letters cluttering up my mailbox, so here it is in full:

Dear Tambourine_Chimp,

You are due for a medical check-up at the Neopian Hospital. Please be prompt.

You will be seen by the Gelert Doctor himself, and he doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

Confused as I rightfully should be, I replied straight away, reminding them that I wasn’t a Neopet, so did they mean my Lupe or Chia? Their speedy response was alarming.

TC,

No, you.

So, as was only fair to both them and myself, I went to the Hospital on the date and time appointed. But Balthazar bite me if I wasn’t going to do my duty as a Neopian Times reporter whilst I was there! Notebook and pen clasped firmly in my frightened hands, I wrote down the odd event as it happened. Here it is:

~Interview Begins~

Gelert Doctor: Oh, yes - I’ll see you now, Mr. TC.

TC: Oh, er -- um, okay then.

(The Doctor escorted me into one of his plush consulting rooms where he bade me to be seated. I, being the child-at-heart that I am, naturally choose a cool swivel chair. I hadn’t been spinning for more than two milliseconds when the Doctor barked menacingly at me.)

Gelert Doctor: Bad TC! Off the furniture! Sit on the woolly floor like a good Neopet!

TC: B - but I’m not a…

Gelert Doctor: SIT!!! And no messes, you hear me?

(Whimpering in fear and confusion, I hurried to oblige. Choosing a particularly comfy - looking rug, I was glad that he didn’t tell me to get off of that as well, so I plucked up the courage and asked the big question.)

TC: Now, would you mind if I interviewed you during my -- erm, check-up? For the Times, of course--

Gelert Doctor: Times? What times? I only go by one time, and that’s the NST ¨C my time.

TC: No, no, no - the Neopian Times! The newspaper?

Gelert Doctor: Oh -- open wide and say “ahhh!”

TC: So, is that a yes or a *mmph!*

Gelert Doctor: You’ll have to excuse me if it feels a bit too woody. The last tongue depressor snapped, so now we’re using ice-lolly sticks.

(Thankfully for me, an Elephante nurse stuck her head round the door at this moment in time and the doctor whipped - out the stick - with unlucky consequences for yours truly.)

TC: Ow! My tongue hath shplinters!

Nurse: Doctor! There’s a Grundo with a stiff knee out here!

Gelert Doctor: Get them ready for a lobotomy; I’ll operate as soon as I’m done here.

Nurse: Umh, okaaay.

TC: Hello? Splinters in my tongue here?!

Gelert Doctor: Your fault for licking the Money Tree, my boy. He doesn’t take well to bribes, that one -- I’ve got a pair of pliers if you really want them out.

TC: Pliers?! Don’t you mean tweezers?

Gelert Doctor: Oh, I get mixed up, which one is used to snap metal cables and wire?

TC: That would be pliers.

Gelert Doctor: Then I was right, they’re pliers.

TC: No way! I’d rather have a part wooden tongue then have no tongue at all. I think I’ll manage just fine, thanks. So, Mister Gelert Doctor - may I call you that?

Gelert Doctor: Ah, it’s too long. Just call me Doc.

TC: Oh, I get it. Short for ‘Doctor,’ right?

Gelert Doctor: No, because it’s my name - now, I’m just going to test your reflexes. I’ll just tap you with my little mallet and see how you react.

*SMACK!*

TC: Ow!

Gelert Doctor: Well, that’s an odd reaction.

TC: No it’s not, you cracked me over the head with it! And you call that a ‘little mallet’?! It’s twice the size of Lucy*!

Gelert Doctor: It is a little one. My other needs a crane to lift it.

TC: *gulps* Right -- erm, so Doc, how did you become a doctor? What training did you take? Must’ve been quite a few years, huh?

Gelert Doctor: Training? Oh no, I didn’t take any training! Far too boring for me -

TC: Oh!

Gelert Doctor: Yes, but don’t worry; I’ve read the entire Medical Encyclopedia.

TC: Ah -

Gelert Doctor: Well, when I say I read it, I really mean I just looked at all the cool pictures. Oh, and any words that sounded big and impressive.

TC: OH!

Gelert Doctor: Well, your vocals seem to be in perfect working order. Mind if I take your blood pressure?

TC: At this point it’s practically useless for me to say ‘no,’ isn’t it?

Gelert Doctor: Pretty much, yep. Now, we just wrap this around here like so -

TC: Erm, Doc?

Gelert Doctor: Not right now, please! Now, I’m going to inflate it until I can feel a steady pulse -

*puff - puff - puff*

TC: Doc! I think you might have -- urk!

(Again, I was saved by the nurse.)

Nurse: Doctor! Er -- why have you put the blood pressure strap around that boy’s throat?

Gelert Doctor: What does it look like, Nurse? I’m looking for a pulse.

Nurse: But he’s gone all blue -- and is he still breathing?

Gelert Doctor: Oh, alright then! I’ll take it off -- there! Happy now?

TC: *Cough* * Wheeze* Yep.

Nurse: Good - Doctor, there’s a Quiggle, she’s complaining about a sore head.

Gelert Doctor: Prep her for knee surgery, stat!

TC: Right, that is it! I’m outta here! Doc, you are such a wacko you make my mutant Chia appear sane. Adios!

Gelert Doctor: Wait! You can’t go yet! I still need to take a Number Two sample from you!

~Interview Ends~

Needless to say I was already out of the door by then and running for the hills.

My advice is clear: Stick to the Healing Springs, people! Magic, no matter how unpredictable, is always safer than an idiot playing Lets Pretend with your pets every time…

END.