The Seven Habits of Highly Annoying Writers

1. The N00bish Novelist

These people are the number one gripe of all literate role-players, as it is hard to understand what they are writing, and often they have a very weak plot line. An example passage:

neodude11113345 went to the food store he sed to joeyjoeyjo44568 what is the best food here is the apple gooder than the carrot

How to Deal: The N00bish Novelist is common on the boards, both the NW and RP. If the title of the board has chat speak or no capitals at all (or is ALL caps, or is filled with tons of smilies), STAY AWAY! Another thing to watch for is the first post. If they do not use OOC (Out Of Character) on the role-play boards, keep your distance. It’s usually a warning sign.

2. The Lavender Lyrist

The Lavender Lyrist is more likely to be seen on the Neopian Writers (NW) board than the RP. Simply put, they are too descriptive. So descriptive, in fact, that description gets in the way of the actual story. Their posts are often long and tedious, and nothing ever happens. This is called purple prose. An example (you can skip it if it’s too boring; I won’t mind):

The sun had set on Terror Mountain. A slender sliver of moonlight glittered frostily overhead, casting shadows on the cliffs. Everything was glittering with prickles of frost and the stars stared down, pricks of silver light that twinkled brightly. A thick blanket of snow was lying over the frosty peaks of the mountain and muffling everything that lived there. A small shanty stood, lights all off inside. It was made of twisted, gnarled branches of oak. The asphalt shingles were shining in the light of the moon and stars.

How To Deal: Boooooorrrrringgggg! Notice how, in the example above, the author (ahem, me) keeps going back to the same idea of the moon and stars. You usually can’t tell by topic title when someone is a Lavender Lyrist, but you can tell by reading the first few posts, most of the time. Another subtle clue that someone might be a Lavender Lyrist is when another person is screaming, “PURPLE!” so loudly your pets run for cover.

3. The Rambling role-player

You thought the Lavender Lyrist was boring. The Rambling role-player is even more boring. How? Well, a Rambling RPer is someone whose intro is about seven posts long in teeny writing. And that’s just the intro. I like to think that two or three posts of good writing (NOT purple writing!!) is about the ideal size for an intro. But someone whose intros are five, six, seven posts long... well, just a tad tedious. I’m not even going to give an example of the Rambler. I think we all know him/her well.

How To Deal: A Rambler ties in with a Lavender Lyrist. It’s easy to spot a Rambler from their RP intros—just count the posts in the intro. If it’s six or more, stay on guard. The Rambling role-player will slurp up space on a board like your pet slurps up that Tropical Fruit Smoothie you got for them.

4. The Pointless Penman

Don’t we all hate ‘em? The off-topic folks that clog up valuable space on the NW and RP with junk such as “What should I wear tomorrow?” or “What should I name my new puppy?” These people make me personally so frustrated I want to pick them up and deliver them directly to the Newbie board, where stuff like that belongs. And it takes quite a bit to get me mad. So please, you people who do this stuff, take it to the FC or Newbie board.

How to Deal: While it may be satisfying in the heat of the moment to scream at the Pointless Penman in all caps, doing this may not be the best choice in the long run, for a number of reasons:

A) Your posting will only ‘bump’ the thread up the list, resulting in more frustrated NWers/RPers.

B) You may get reported.

C) It does not do wonders for your reputation as a kind, caring Neopian to scream at people. Remember? The one you worked so hard to earn.

D) You are giving the person doing the off-topic posting the attention they want.

Usually, it’s best just to ignore the Pointless Penman, take a deep breath, and start counting. 1... 2... 3...

5. The Secluded Scripter

This person is the person who makes ‘private’ threads on the RP, either for a guild exclusively or certain people. My thinking on this is, if the thread is for your guild, use the guild message boards! Le gasp! You won’t clutter up the message boards AND, as a bonus, you won’t have to Neomail everyone in the guild the link to the board. In addition, guild boards stay around longer. If the ‘private’ board is just for a friend or two, use Neomail! This is another one of the top gripes of RPers especially.

How to Deal: As with the Pointless Penman, SCREAMING at the Secluded Scripter usually won’t help. It may help, however, if no one else has done this, to quietly point out that they might use the guild message boards or Neomail instead of creating a new thread just for your friends/guild members.

6. The Abrasive Author

This one is a critic to the bone. I once made a charming little poem about Xweetoks and asked politely to have some mild, constructive criticism for it. What I got was a harsh “You should leave writing poems to the people who actually know what they are doing!” I was startled and told the offending party that that was not very constructive criticism—that was more like an insult. What I got in return was a stout, abrupt, “Well, it’s true.” I remember thinking that some Neopians should not be let out of their cages.

How to Deal: Do NOT insult the Abrasive Author back. Trust me. This leads to a board fight and a destroying of your reputation. It’s tricky to deal with Abrasives, though. Usually being polite works wonders.

7. The Rate-me Reporter

The Rate-me Reporter is someone who is consistently is making boards for people to rate their work from 1-10. Now before you come at me with sharp things and angry mail, I said consistently. You may feel the need to point out to me that I just mentioned me asking for critique. Well, that was once. The Rate-me Reporter does this sort of thing constantly. This is a little Sloth-brained, pardon my language, for a number of reasons.

A) It’s annoying.

B) It’s extremely annoying.

C) It’s always extremely annoying.

How to Deal: There really is nothing you can do about the Rate-me but grin and bear it. OK, maybe not grin. More like a grimace. However, unless you see the same person 10 times in a half-hour making “Rate my ___!” there are no accusations you can make.

If this is in the NT, it means you’re reading my first-ever article! Squee! Thank you very much for reading and have a good day/night. And don’t forget to brush your pets’ teeth!

Disclaimer: I intended this article as an eye-opener to the people who fit into the above categories. If I offended you, please do not come at me with sharp objects and/or words.