The Completely Foolproof Guide to Yooyuball

THE WAY OF THE YOOYU.

The Normal Yooyu

The normal Yooyu is, as the name suggests, a normal Yooyu. This Yooyu is very common, and it doesn’t mess around like some of those other mischievous Yooyus. The Yooyu is orangey-brown in color and has bright blue eyes. Aww, how cute. It’s always a relief to know that the petpet you are chucking painfully into a net in front of screaming crowds is cute, because it is less likely that the cute petpet will try to eat you after you fling it across the field. That’s why they don’t play with Spyders.

(By the way, the word ‘Yooyu’ is pronounced ‘you-you’. A Yooyu is neither a tutu nor a yo-yo, although, with some string or pink paint and several frills, it could probably be both.)

Tip for easily getting a goal with the normal Yooyu: Ask it nicely. Normal people usually do things if you ask them nicely. If you ask it rudely, you face questioning by the Petpet League, so I would be polite. A simple ‘Do you mind being thrown into a net for a goal at the risk of your personal health?’ usually does the job.

The Fire Yooyu

The fiery Fire Yooyu is one of the most fun Yooyus to use. After all, everyone likes shiny fire, right? This Yooyu is black and red with those awesome flames that light up the field when you play with it. The Fire Yooyu is probably one of the easiest Yooyus to score with as well, because it moves so quickly. If you’re an aspiring Yooyuball player, I would suggest that you wear thick gloves on your hands/paws/claws/hooves/appendages/whatever JubJubs hold their Yooyus with anyway, in order to protect against the burns of this flaming petpet.

Tip: Set the goalie’s tail or fur on fire, wait until he or she turns around, then shoot the Yooyu in again. Be careful not to hold the Fire Yooyu for too long in-between passes, or you’ll find yourself possibly losing skin or limbs. This reporter is not responsible for injuries sustained from either angry goalies, mishandled Fire Yooyus, or innocent bystanders in the offhand chance you have terrible aim.

The Ice Yooyu

The Ice Yooyu is pale blue and white, and strangely enough, whenever it appears on the field, snowflakes fall off of it. This is definitely one of the coolest Yooyus around; I don’t snow about you, but I’d fall for this little petpet anytime (all lame puns intended). Unfortunately, the Ice Yooyu has its own dangers just as the Fire Yooyu does, because those of the Yooyuball players who don’t wear gloves will find themselves slowly getting numb from the absolute freezing temperature of this Yooyu. Also, the Ice Yooyu moves extremely slowly, which, if you think about it, doesn’t make any sense, because I’d want to pass something that was cold just as quickly as I’d want to pass the Fire Yooyu.

Tip: Scoring using the Ice Yooyu works especially well if you have just scored a goal with the Fire Yooyu. Turn to the goalie, yell ‘Would you like some ice for that burn?’ and throw the Ice Yooyu at him. Hopefully, he is too busy being affronted at your witty and original insult to notice the Yooyu flying past his head and into the goal.

The Faerie Yooyu

The Faerie Yooyu is one of those ‘Balthazar in Baabaa’s clothing’ Yooyus. This does not mean that it is a vicious creature dressed up in a lot of wool (you’d think with the obsessive catching of all those faeries, Balthazar would’ve picked up some fashion tips by now and given up on the whole ‘dress up like a petpet and sneak up behind them’ deal). This means that the Faerie Yooyu, despite its cute, smiling face, pink and purple skin, and large glittery wings (ooh, shiny), is one of the most annoying Yooyus in the game. It constantly moves in arcs, which makes it extremely hard to score with, especially from long distances.

Tip: If you want to score with it normally, I would definitely not suggest standing in front of the goalie and shooting straight. What kind of a silly idea is that?

The Mutant Yooyu

At least the Mutant Yooyu, unlike the Faerie Yooyu, doesn’t pretend to be something it isn’t. The Mutant Yooyu is a real pain to play with... literally. The malicious expression in its red eyes should clue you in, and once again, I have seen many Yooyuball players realize that gloves should be a required part of the uniform as they get pricked and prodded with the thorny spikes on the Mutant Yooyu’s hide. In addition to its physical danger, the Mutant Yooyu flies where it wants. It curves and gambols all over the place with no regard for your feelings whatsoever.

Tip: Don’t try arguing with it, because you will lose, especially because petpets cannot talk, and you will look like a bully. Instead, cross your fingers... if you have any... and hope that the Mutant Yooyu decides to behave for once. If all else fails, go for the oldest trick in the book—throw it at the goalie’s face and hope he or she ducks.

The Clockwork Yooyu

Virtupets may not be doing so well in this year’s Cup, but this little robot petpet, newly introduced to the art of Yooyuball, has been a big hit. It’s knocked thousands off their feet... mostly because it explodes after a few seconds. And the PPL threatened to come after me when I threw that Mutant Yooyu at the goalie. These unfortunately short-lived creatures are made out of metal, with a ticking wind-up key in their heads and grinning faces, with blank green eyes. It’s kind of creepy if you ask me, but of course, you don’t have much time to ponder the Clockwork Yooyu’s appearance because it will explode almost immediately!

Tip: Other than the obvious tip of moving quickly with this Yooyu, if it starts to glow in your hands, don’t stare at it wondering if you’re going to suddenly be hit with a surge of radioactive material and gain superpowers. Throw it at the other team. It’s called ‘good sportsmanship’, also known as ‘doing whatever you have to in order to win and not get blown across the field’.

The Darigan Yooyu

Well, folks, can I get a drumroll here?

*tumbleweed rolls past*

Evidently not... anyway, to introduce another newcomer to this year’s Altador Cup... let’s all give a warm welcome to the Darigan Yooyu!

(Those torches, pitchforks, fish, tall cliffs, and angry glares are part of the warm welcoming... really.)

There is an old saying that says ‘looks can be deceiving’, and this is often the case. However, since ‘often’ does not mean ‘always’, in this particular instance looks are most definitely not deceiving. The mottled dark purple of the Darigan Yooyu, together with its red eyes, leathery wings, pointed tail, and evil-looking grin, clearly mark this Yooyu as the impish and dangerous creature that it is. This Yooyu is arguably the most difficult to control on the field; due to its need to be stubborn, the Darigan Yooyu always flies in the opposite direction of which it is aimed. This has led to many unintentional ‘own-team goals’ and injuries mostly of the facial variety.

Tip: The most important thing you have to remember when you are shooting the Darigan Yooyu (and when I say ‘shooting’ I mean towards the goal, you violent fiends) is that you should obviously never aim it straight. It is very clear to my intelligent and discerning mind that the Darigan Yooyu, if aimed straight, will fly behind you, so don’t attempt such foolishness. I mean, really, who comes up with these things, anyway? To score using the Darigan Yooyu, your best bet is to close your eyes, aim, and hope you don’t hit someone on your own team. That’s not a great way to raise morale.

Upon completion of your reading of this absolutely useful and smart article, I hereby pronounce you a learned disciple of THE WAY OF THE YOOYU. Go forth, and seek to employ your knowledge suitably in the glorious and ancient game of Yooyuball.

... seriously, what are you waiting for, a diploma or something?