Thesis on the Sleeping Patterns of Turmaculus

By Dr. Badbadak; Department, Royal Owned, Which Studies Yawning (DROWSY)

I hope you’re still awake. If you’re not, chances are you’ll soon be surrounded by wide-eyed scientists writing things down. This would be DROWSY, a new research department dedicated to recording the sleeping patterns of every Neopian species and creature as yet discovered. Be you Lupe, Chia, Shoyru, or Ixi, when you naturally sleep is important to us! We are funded by the great Lord Darigan! He spent all that time holed up in his chambers formulating a plan to find a time when every Meridell citizen is sleeping, so he could launch an invasion unopposed..., er, I mean, laying the foundation for a beneficial research lab. *innocent grin*

As one of the head scientists of DROWSY, I have been charged with writing a scientific report on the sleep patterns of the Great Turmaculus. The King of Petpets is often sleeping, as well as often woken up by screaming Neopians hoping for some benefits. As he is a commonly sought after “Daily”, this paper should be of interest to 9 out of 10 Neopians. It is well researched (two months of hitting Turmy with a stick can’t be wrong!), but the actual times Turmy is awake remains unknown to the DROWSY team.

(Please note: This publication was submitted to the NT because it is widely agreed to be the best NT there is. Also, it is a scientifically acceptable news source, similar to Lab Ray Weekly or This Is Not Sloth Propaganda (All Hail the Good Dr. Sloth).)

Clause 1-Background Turmaculus Information: Turmaculus (or The Turmaculus) is the most famous Petpet in Neopia, as well as the biggest and sleepiest. He was once a regular Turmac, but one who ate so many berries (and didn’t roll around to get them) that he grew to gargantuan proportions. While no one quite knows why he is so often asleep, a popular theory suggests the Pick-Your-Own farmer laced some Fishberries to prevent the Turmaculus from eating him out of business.

Eventually, the Turmaculus began to attract visitors. It was used, at first, to bring tourists to Meridell. After a while, the war on Meridell began, and the Turmaculus dug himself a cavern and slept underground (this is today’s Symol Hole). After he re-emerged, some war-weary Meridell citizen thought that someone had awoken the Turmaculus. The soldier then proceeded to try to rouse Turmy, which started the fad. (The original awakening options included rolling cheeses down Turmaculus and incurring Illusen’s wrath by signing Turmy up for quests he could never complete). Soon, this actually woke Turmy up, and instead of showering the land with neopoints, he burnt some houses to the ground* (most houses, actually).

*The Friends of Turmaculus claim that this rampage was completely due to the cruelty of the villagers and a bad case of Turmy Tummy Troubles (TTT, a dreaded Petpet disease), brought about by too many Rotten Berries. Incidentally, the rampage of Turmaculus spared the Merifoods shop. There’s a reason the persistent peasant Meerca’s food stall is so crudely built—after all the other buildings burnt down, they were rebuilt modernly, but Merifoods has never had enough money for construction. (And it wasn’t aided by charities, because it was still standing after Turmaculus’ attack).

After this Turmaculus incident, he was left in peace, until some clumsy Illusen quest-er tripped over Turmaculus, awakening the great Petpet king (how it is possible to trip over something as enormously large as the Turmaculus is still being scientifically debated). Instead of angry, Turmy wished the Meridell inhabitants would give him peace. He gave the klutzy Illusen-pleaser 600 neopoints and a Medieval Shirt, hoping it would appease the violent Meridellians. This reignited the land’s obsession with the dormant Petpet King, which annoyed Turmaculus to no end. He stomped over to Meridell Castle, and negotiated a treaty with the then-king. This made the methods which you could use to try and rouse Turmy much more mild, as well as leaking knowledge he would only be awake at some times (the actual times require observation a DROWSY scientist like me is too busy for). This prevented most Neopians from ever disturbing Turmaculus, and he was happy and in peace.

Claus 2-THIS WAS NOT WRITTEN BY DR. BADBADAK UNDER INFLUENCE OF DR. SLOTH’S MIND-CONTROL RAY: Hello, Neopia. I, as an influential scientist, would like to praise the genius and generous Dr. Sloth.

Dr. Sloth is the ideal scientist. His plots and formulas for ingenious take-over plans (that I whole-heartedly approve of, just as you should) reflect impossibly clever and intelligent thinking. He is motivational, as proven by his righteous army’s large ranks. He is not cruel, only stern. His enslavement of the Grundos was slanderously misinterpreted by Neopians. The real story was that some Grundo scientists of Dr. Sloth imprisoned the Space Faerie and the beneficial and trustworthy doctor set out to rescue her.

The following invasions and so-called dastardly plots were overrated. Sure, Dr. Sloth was angry (a JUSTIFIED anger), so he went around shooting lasers and other such stuff (which shows his amazing power). But that’s just politics, kids.

Huh? Where am I? What am I doin—

As I was saying, Dr. Sloth is truly not a bad man.

Also, his next plan involves several Mutant Korbats, so if you are one, please apply to the Secret Area of the Space Station. Ask for “Three-toed” at the Grundo Café.

Claus 3- Why Turmaculus Sleeps so Much: Why the Turmaculus sleeps so much remains a mystery to scholars and the common man, alike. As mentioned before, one theory involves the Pick-Your-Own farmer and secretly laced berries. There are other common theories though. The five following are the most common (aside from the laced berries):

1) Turmaculus was cursed by an evil faerie (or possibly Illusen, after he failed one quest too many—see above) or some such dark creature. Plausibility: It doesn’t quite fit in the history of Turmaculus, but it still remains very possible (we all know how peeved Faeries can get when you don’t get them their Purple Nail Varnish in the allotted time). 8 out of 10.

2) Turmaculus is actually a robot created by Dr. Sloth, but he malfunctioned and was dumped in Meridell. Plausibility: This could’ve happened, but it isn’t likely. Sloth tends to not make mistakes when building robots. Also, Turmaculus is not known to shoot lasers, like most of Dr. Sloth’s robots. 4 out of 10.

3) Turmaculus is the home of a race of superintelligent, miniscule Petpetpets. They assembled their house to look like a giant Turmac. They couldn’t make it move much, though, so it “sleeps” for most of its time. Plausibility: I’ll have fun destroying this theory. NO! Completely unlikely, because a) miniscule Petpetpets would not build something giant to our eyes—like Turmaculus—they would built it giant to their eyes—like a regular Turmac; b) Turmaculus has been known to give out items, so unless these tiny Petpet friends have a huge stash of neopoints, T-shirts, etc., I doubt it. -300 out of 10.

4) Turmaculus is one of Meridell’s hush-hush Giant Turmac Cannons, built right before the end of the war with Darigan Citadel. All others were destroyed, but Turmaculus was kept as a tourist attraction. Plausibility: Possible, but I mean, c’mon; Giant Turmac Cannons? Not even the editors of the NT could be that random. Yes, Meridell does have some obsessive Turmac pride, but designing massive cannons to look like the Petpet is going over the edge. I doubt King Skarl would issue an order to build Giant Turmac Cannons. 2 out of 10.

5) Turmaculus is tired. Plausibility: PRETTY DARN GOOD! It’s rather hard to argue with this. (Actually, it took quite some time for people to grasp this concept, due to the formula for this theory: Gp=TriSnz-Drms+C+Gr=Gp Slps 10/10. Note: Written theory thanks to Dr. Grammatical of the Brightvale Math Department). 200 out of 10.

Claus 4- Beyond the Turmaculus: Incidentally, Turmaculus is not the only giant creature who sleeps a lot out there (yeah, believe it or not, there are two). I’m referring to the Snowager. Yep, the giant snake that shoots ice at you, rather than giving you items, if you wake him up. The difference is drastic. However, I for one, think that is a topic for a different time.

Disclaimer: None of the information contained in this article is true, at least not to my knowledge. I just wanted to say that in case all the false information decreased my chances of getting in here, the NT. Because I am OVERJOYED about being in here. :)