You Are Funding the Potato Counter

So. I was just checking my mail, minding my own business and such, when I noticed there were a lot more letters than usual. I quickly found out that eight of them were all from the Neolodge. Apparently every pet on my side accounts decided it was time to leave the hotel – and that they each had to send their own (identical) letter to me to let me know.

I was clicking through all the letters with an irritated expression on my face. How long was it going to take to get to the other letters? (Because I was totally THRILLED to get to the spam, right?) I was literally sitting at my desk, my eyes staring off into space and my right finger clicking mindlessly. I’m pretty sure my left fist was smashed into the side of my face as I propped my head up, practically drooling out of boredom. (Flattering mental image, right?)

However, something suddenly caught my eye.

There was a little :) face in the letters.

I stopped clicking. I was curious. What on earth could my Neopets be :)ing about when they had been in Roach Towers Hotel for about the seventeenth month in a row? So, to satisfy my curiosity, I began to actually read the letter.

“Hi there yellowsugardogs spare!

Im just lettering to say that I had a great time in the NeoLodge, and now its time for me to check out and go back to Neopia!. Thanks for being the best owner ever, and I hope all the other Neopets are jealous :)

Speak to you soon,

Im_Sloth

PS. I would like some more food!”

My first thought: You’re bloated. How could you want more food?

My second thought: Sorry to break it to you, but all of the other Neopets aren’t going to be jealous of your 5 NP a night hotel stay...

My third thought: ...go back to Neopia?!

Yes, read that first sentence again.

“Im just lettering to say that I had a great time in the NeoLodge, and now its time for me to check out and go back to Neopia!”

Go.back.to.Neopia.

I immediately rushed to open my notebook. Because we have another conspiracy on our hands, fellow Neopians.

The Neolodge is not merely a place for your Neopets to visit.

It’s a large and well-disguised teleportation device!

1. A little bit of Neolodge history

See, I looked up some stuff for you guys. All completely factual. (If I was going to tell you about large and well-disguised teleportation devices, I wasn’t going to come without any information!)

And I came across numerous things that interested me.

First of all, it seems that, several times in the past, the Neolodge has had problems. Multiple times, it has broken to the point that “a lot of people have been complaining that the Neolodge has not been feeding pets”. (May 2001; News Page). This also happened as of recently, as proven by the editorial in the Neopian Times Issue #396. Simply put, the Neolodge NOT being able to shove my pets faces’ full of food 24/7 while I’m fully capable of doing so means that it is NOT serving its one and only purpose which also means that there is obviously something wrong with the world.

I mean, what even happened to the food? Is THAT where the Money Tree’s donations come from?

Another random thing I came across: the only other lodge mentioned in Neopia is a Ski Lodge. And not just any lodge. THE SKI LODGE MURDER MYSTERY SKI LODGE. If you haven’t heard of it, go and check out the page. It’s truly epic.

A long time ago, Neopets had some really random plots. Hannah and the Ice Caves? Please. Return of Doctor Sloth? Nope. They had one called Sacrificers. Everyone died in a creative way or another until the staffer on the Staff Smasher trophy was the last one standing. The Ski Lodge Murder Mystery was kinda similar. Staff members dropping like flies left and right... old animations... a page called “Phone-A-Victim” even though telephones don’t exist in Neopia... good times. Good times.

Still vague on the craziness of old plots? Think of that game Snowbeast Snackrifice. Minus anything about snowbeasts, add in computer programmers, and you’ve got Staff Snackrifice.

My final bit of research led me to one last fact.

“NEW MINI WORLD - Yes, finally we have added our second mini-world (and we promise we will add content to it, and Roo Island soon!) Kiko Lake is now open for business. Hotel, and visitor information booth coming soon!

(August 22, 2003; News Page)”

Kiko Lake was supposed to have a hotel?

All I see are some coloring pages and a few shops. And a boat.

Let’s recap. The Neolodge’s food all ends up at the Money Tree. Staff members like to hurt each other. And Kiko Lake’s hotel idea was replaced by a glass bottomed boat?

Obviously, all of these facts together lead me to one obvious and well explained conclusion.

Who would want the Neohotel to be a large and well-disguised teleportation device?

Fyora is the noseless perpetrator!

Fine, she has a nose. But it’s so small that it doesn’t count.

2. WHY

Okay, I’ve proven that Fyora likes to turn buildings into large and well-disguised teleportation devices. I’ve also stated that the only people who donate anything to the Money Tree are Neolodge employees; staff members are violent, and Kiko Lake’s coloring pages take priority over hotels.

Why?

I think that question can apply to... well, just about everything I outlined in that paragraph above. Let me take the time to fully explain to you the implications of my well researched presentation.

Fyora was skipping through the flowers and singing to the Beekadoodles. Her voice echoed throughout the air, harmonizing with the buzz of the... buzzes... and swaying with the movement of the delicate flowers.

Suddenly, however, the sky turned black.

Dark dark black.

Fyora looked up in horror. “Sun, where have you floated off to? I’m not done twirling in circles!”

Silence.

“...Sun?”

More silence.

“SUN, I HAVE MAGIC. Don’t you dare make me use my big scary magic!”

Finally, a response.

“You’re not alone.”

“Duh. The flowers talk to me.”

The voice repeated its statement a second time. “You’re not alone, Fyora...”

Fyora stood up straight. Something didn’t seem right. It sounded like the sun, but the voice was just a little bit off...

“Say hello to the shadows...” the voice trailed off. But this time, it was noticeably different. It crackled and whispered with every note, breaking the melody and beauty of its surroundings. The voice surrounded Fyora, enveloping her, stealing all the light from her, slowly, slowly, turning the world from color to monotone... changing the world to black and white...

“Who are you?” Fyora screamed as the flower in her hand turned to a melancholy gray. “What do you want from me?”

The shadow paused. With the sun blocked, and the clouds fully prepared, the sky began to dump buckets of rain upon Fyora. Fyora looked around her, and instead of seeing her beautiful Faerieland field of purples and pinks... she saw grays and blacks.

The world was bleak.

Something came towards her. It was black and swirling. It was the absence of light – the absence of good. It crept up, its dark red eyes piercing the gray. It reached out a shadowy hand, and all at once Fyora knew what she was dealing with.

It was the Shadow Usul.

Fyora knew she could use magic. But, in so much shock that something that horrible had gotten into her beautiful Faerieland... she had to figure out how. She had to figure out why. So that it would never happen again.

“What... what do you want?”

With the Shadow Usul’s outstretched arm, it stretched its shadows farther, farther. The shadow swirled merely an inch from Fyora’s face. Finally she got her answer. In a harsh, raspy voice, the darkness began to answer.

“I want... your nose.”

The Shadow Usul reached out and stole her nose like it was the Pant Devil and your new NC mall clothes.

Fyora screamed. And then she lifted her right palm. It wasn’t like it had hurt. But a tiny nose was certainly NOT in fashion.

Magic began to stream out from her palms. At first it seemed like she was weaker than the shadow, but quickly the magic began to take its toll on the shadow. The color came back to the field, slowly, gradually. The rain stopped. The world began to glimmer and shine of sparkly puppies and blue flamingos once more.

Fyora looked in triumph as the shadow began to wither. Holes of light burst through its shadowy exterior. The shadow had always been transparent, but now there were gaping holes in the transparency, gaping holes where the light had met it.

Fyora quickly realized that the shadow was still a threat. So she did what she could. Using a Something has happened! event, she summoned the Shadow Usul to the Neolodge.

Then she turned it into a large and well-disguised teleportation device. So she could ship the Shadow Usul closer to planet Earth (and farther from Neopia!), of course.

3. Aftermath

Fyora did lose part of her nose that day. Thankfully, the Shadow Usul’s magic made it a painless and (mostly!) unnoticeable procedure. It’s okay. We still love her.

The Shadow Usul is somewhere on the moon, it is rumored. No, Earth’s moon is not made of cheese. But the dark side is the Shadow Usul.

“Wait... the beginning of this article was talking about a letter relating to your Neopet ‘coming back to Neopia’. Where do the average every day Neopets who visit the hotel come into play?”

It’s simple. The Neolodge still has its magic. And the Potato Counter Kacheek needs funds in order to keep buying all those potatoes. (He’s not a farmer. He doesn’t have TIME to farm after counting all those potatoes!) So all that hotel money you pay to have your pets faces’ shoved with food 24/7 when you’re perfectly capable of doing so yourself? The reason they run out of food is because they don’t have any in the first place. The Potato Counter Kacheek is shipping your pets to another dimension where they don’t need food. The days when it doesn’t work is the days when he forgets his master key to the Neolodge.

Alright, now that I’ve gotten the obvious out of the way... Fyora likes to turn buildings into large and well-disguised teleportation devices.... The Neolodge’s food problem !solved... what else did I forget...

Oh, right.

Well, staff members are vicious. That doesn’t take much explanation, nor does it come as a surprise to us. TNT Staff Smasher, anyone?

My final bit of fact for you to chew on: coloring pages are far more important than hotels.

Why? Because you can color on coloring pages. But you can’t color on hotels!

(Unless you want to pay that Potato Counter Kacheek a fine.)

This is Garfish Girl, signing off. Remember to watch out for large and well-disguised teleportation devices. And to not let shadows take your noses.

Nose thievery, along with going on vacation with Sloth, would be a bad idea. (I hear he’s navigationally challenged.)

The map said ‘heated pool’, but somehow it looks a little too warm...