Mr. Peterson vs The Neopian Times

     At that moment an out of breath Red Lutari rushed into the room and gasped, “Sorry I’m late, Peppi.”

     Once he had stopped gasping for air he explained, “It was an issue at home, Axel spent much too long in the shower, and the toaster broke, and then—”

     “Don’t worry, Sammy, nine minutes and forty-five seconds really isn’t that late,” Peppi said as she handed her employer his coffee. “And I was able to get some work done.”

     “Ah excellent, I don’t know how I got by without you, Peppi,” Mr. Peterson exclaimed. “So what sort of work did you do?”

     “Well, I proofread that piece of on old fashioned music becoming popular again,” Peppi answered. “And I wrote a little bit more on the cookie famine in Meridell.”

     “Good, good,” Peterson muttered as he sat down in his seat.

     “Oh, and I couldn’t figure out what this was,” Peppi remarked as she pointed to another piece.

     Mr. Peterson immediately sunk down with sorrow and grumbled, “That was my April Fools’ article. It was about a gang of mustached Ninja-Pirates who stole a collection of 8-Bit Paintbrushes from a Neoschool to sell to Hubrid Nox who was actually still alive and living in Goldrun.”

     Peppi could only nod in shock.

     “But Droplet says that she couldn’t make an exception on my restriction on writing false stories,” Peterson explained. “So, as unfair as it is, my story will never be read by anyone other than the two of us.”

     The two were silent for a few minutes before Peterson declared, “There has to be some way to get that restriction removed; I can’t go on like this.”

     “Well, have you considered writing a letter?” Peppi suggested.

     “A letter, are you serious? This is the lady who gets hundreds of submissions a week, she doesn’t have time to read some letter,” Peterson scoffed.

     “Maybe you could send her some cookies,” Peppi offered. “Or I know a really good recipe for brownies.”

     “Peppi, you can’t bribe the Neopian Times,” Peterson replied.

     “We’re not exactly bribing them, we’re just doing something nice,” Peppi explained, “and maybe they’ll do something nice in return.”

     “I don’t think so,” Peterson said skeptically. “Let’s face it, they only way we can get that restriction is if we broke into Neopian Times headquarters and stole the document itself.”

     “Yeah, and only a criminal genius could do that,” Peppi agreed.

     “Criminal genius, eh, I think I know just the guy,” Peterson responded slyly.

      ***

     Later that day Mr. Peterson, with Peppi not far behind, paid a visit to his own home. Carefully he opened the door to his son’s room. It had been almost a decade since Peterson had been in this room and he was definitely repulsed by what he saw. Piles of clothes covered the floor, but it was clear that there were much worse things buried under. Various colours of stains were scattered along the wall, floor, and furniture. The room exuded a toxic odour like old milk that had grown mold and now that mold was rotting. Lying in bed was a tall Red Lutari.

     “Axel, it’s nearly 1:00 and you’re still in bed?” Peterson prodded.

     “Mom said that if wasn’t going to anything productive the least I could do was go back to bed,” Axel explained as he pulled the blanket over his head.

     “Well, I’ve got something productive for you to be doing,” Peterson said.

     “Not interested,” Axel moaned from underneath the blanket.

     “Oh really, it’s something criminal,” Peterson offered.

     Axel slowly sat up and said, “The last time you got me to do something criminal, I got arrested.”

     “No, I got arrested,” Peterson reminded his son, “and had to go through that good parenting course.”

     “Which obviously didn’t work, seeing as you’re still trying to get your son to commit a crime,” Peppi added.

     “So, you want to get arrested again so you can take the course again, is that it?” Axel concluded.

     “Will the two of you just be quiet and let me explain!” snapped Peterson.

     “This had better be good,” Axel sighed.

     Mr. Peterson explained to his son his situation and what he needed.

     “So it’s up to you to get into the Neopian Times headquarters and swipe that document,” Peterson finished.

     “I don’t know,” Axel mused, “it doesn’t seem like much of a challenge.”

     “Oh, it’s very challenging, no one has ever gotten in and out before,” Peterson urged as he looked to Peppi for help.

     “All of the guards are specially trained by Meridell’s top knights,” the Kau added. “Getting in is hard enough, but getting through the vast building, stealing a document, and getting back out all while not being caught... well, I’d call that impossible.”

     “Alright, I’ll do it,” Axel conceded, obviously intrigued, “but only for the thrill.”

     “Excellent, well, get to it,” Peterson exclaimed as he pulled his son out of bed and to the door.

     As Axel left, Peterson turned to Peppi and said, “Now, I’ve got another job for you. I’ve told you about Sophie, right?”

     “Yep, the swamp witch who always finds some way to thwart your schemes,” Peppi recited.

     “Yes, that’s the one,” Peterson said with a cringe. “If she finds out that I’m back, she’s sure to find a way to foil me. That’s why I need you to cancel her Neopian Times subscription.”

     “And how exactly do you expect me to do that?” asked a skeptical Peppi.

     “It can’t be that hard,” Peterson scoffed. “Show up at the post office; use your girlish charm. I’m sure you’ll have it done in no time.”

     “And what will you be doing during this plot of crime and deceit?” Peppi asked.

     “I’m going to write an article on Meepits taking over Roo Island and turning it into an overpriced amusement park with rides that some fun like the ‘Spin n Drop’ but are actually cheap and poorly built,” Peterson announced proudly.

     “Well... good luck with that,” Peppi replied as she departed for the post office.

     ***

     Axel made his way deeper into the catacombs. Eventually he spotted a large building made from pristine marble. It sparkled with magic, yet also had a foreboding essence around it. Axel noticed a pair of guards, two burly green Gelerts, standing at a broad door. Axel had had experience dealing with guards; he knew that it only took the right amount of confidence to convince them that he belonged there.

     The Lutari marched up to the door and pompously said, “Good afternoon.”

     “Good afternoon, sir,” one Gelert replied, “but I’m afraid that you are not authorized to enter this building.”

     “Actually, I—“ Axel began.

     “Please leave the area and have a nice day,” the other Gelert interrupted.

     Axel sighed and departing, realizing that he was not dealing with normal dumb guards. The Lutari came to a coffee shop to rethink his plan. The shopkeeper obviously recognized Axel and shot him a glance that said, “Oh, it’s you,” but didn’t say anything. Axel purchased his drink and sat at a table pondering his next move.

     He glanced at the shopkeeper, a single Shoyru, busily trying to making drinks, and food. An idea struck him. He waited for the Shoyru to turn around, then dashed to the oven at the back of the counter and turned it to max power. Within minutes the contents of the oven were burning and smoke was filling the room.

     “Oh my, oh my, fire!” the Shoyru cried in confusion.

     “Quick, I saw a couple of Gelerts outside, they might know what to do,” Axel called to the Shoyru.

     The shopkeeper immediately darted outside and called to the Gelerts to help. The guards looked a bit uncertain, but after her incessant pointing at the smoke they eventually left their post. Axel easily crept by and entered the Neopian Times Headquarters.

      ***

     Peppi entered the post office and approached the aging Chia at the counter.

     “Hello, ma’am, how may I help you today,” he said with a wheeze.

     “Uh, I’m here to cancel a Neopian Times subscription,” Peppi said.

     “Alright then, just head into the back and... you’ll probably figure something out,” the Chia coughed.

     “Aren’t you going to help me?” Peppi asked.

     “Sorry, darling, at my age going back there isn’t an option,” the Chia sighed. “But you look young and resourceful, so good luck.”

     Peppi nodded uneasily and opened the door to the back. She was immediately shocked by the sudden change. While the front room seemed somewhat tidy and warm, this large room was a somber grey and filled with large machines and letters. Peppi walked past several hurried postal workers going back and forth between machines. Many carried large bundles of mail which they deposited in different slots and machines. Peppi wasn’t sure what the purpose of several machines were; many seemed to just carry the mail to other points where it was dropped and picked up by workers who then brought it to other machines.

     Several times the Kau tried to ask a postal worker for directions, but no one would stop to talk to her. Suddenly Peppi had to dive to avoid a swinging pendulum coming at her. She looked up to see that it was part of a large wheel that was scooping up and dumping piles of mail. She just shook her head in confusion. Then she noticed a door that was marked ‘Weewoo Room.’

     Peppi knew that Weewoos were associated with the Neopian Times, so she made her way past other machines and workers to the door. She entered the room to find another surprise. The room was a large sphere filled with the white birds zooming back and forth. At one end was a series of slots that were constantly spouting out mail. On the other end was a roost or nest filled with sleeping Weewoos. Every second a Weewoo would wake up and fly to the other end to pick up a letter, then exit through a hole in the ceiling. Any mail not picked up would tumble into a deep hole in the center of the room.

     Peppi was about to look for any staff she could talk to when she heard a cracking sound at her feet. She looked down to see that the only thing supporting her was a frail grate. Then with a snap it gave way and she was falling down into the dark pit.

      ***

     Axel walked into the building and rubbed his eyes in surprise. He had been in organized offices before, but this was an entirely new level. The walls and floors were all a pristine white, the doors were identical and perfectly symmetrical with each, and next to each door was an identical cabinet with an identical dying plant on top.

     Axel walked through the halls carefully, the silent atmosphere made him feel that the slightest noise would reveal his intrusion. Suddenly another noise drew his attention, it was a snobbish Jetsam exiting from a room.

     “Hey, you’re not supposed to be here,” gasped the Jetsam. “Security!”

     “Security’s busy,” Axel remarked as he darted down the hall.

     As Axel ran, he glanced back to see that the Jetsam was chasing after him with surprising speed. The Lutari passed several directing signs, but didn’t have time to read them. At each turn he made a quick swerve around a corner, he hopped up stairs two steps at a time, and he slammed all doors behind him.

     Eventually he found himself in a room that could be locked from the inside. He immediately bolted the door and hoped that the Jetsam didn’t have a key. Of course that was only if the Jetsam had managed to follow him through all of the turns, doors, and stairs. Axel made his way through the room and spotted a door marked Archives.

     “Perfect, just where I need to be,” he exclaimed as he opened the door.

     This room was a large contrast to the rest of the building. The floor was nothing but damp soil, there was little light except for a few candles, and paper was strewn everywhere. At the centre of the room was a Korbat deeply engrossed in some paperwork. Axel at first tried to remain stealthy, but he soon saw that the Korbat was not going to look up from his work. Judging by the large pile next to the desk and the stub of a candle Axel would guess that the Korbat had been there for a long time and would stay for much longer.

     Axel approached a series of cabinets that were marked as Legal Documents. He opened the ‘P’ drawer and was confronted by a mess of papers and documents. He carelessly shuffled through them until he came to Peterson; from there he easily found plain sheets of paper stating that Peterson was forbidden from all kinds of false tales. The Lutari swiped the document then closed the drawer. He cringed at the slam, but the Korbat only twitched an ear then returned to work.

     “Now, how do I get out of here?” Axel whispered.

     He had just dashed through the building madly, he hadn’t paid any attention to how to leave. Also the Jetsam may have alerted any other staff members to be on the lookout for him. Instead Axel explored deeper into the archives. The further he got underground, the less paper he saw and the less light there was. Eventually he was submerged in darkness.

      ***

     Peppi found that her fall had been broken by a vast pile of paper. As she stood up she saw that she had landed in a collection of catalogues and flyers. She inspected a few of them and saw ads for timeshares or flood insurance.

     “Junk mail?” she muttered.

     The dumpster-like pit definitely implied junk. The Kau just shook her head again; the post office was not what she had expected. Carefully she made her way through the mountains of ads. Suddenly her foot slipped on a “Support Faerieland” pamphlet. The Kau slid down the hills of paper and came crashing right through a chute.

     The Kau closed her eyes as she was surrounded by flyers and pamphlets. Once she opened her eyes, she found herself sliding along a conveyor belt with the rest of the advertisements. She rolled off and looked back at it. The ads were dumped into copies of the Neopian Times which were being moved across on a perpendicular line.

     The issues of the news were then dropped into a basket that was marked with a name. Peppi grinned to herself; she had found her destination. She made her way through the ‘S’s until she found Sophie’s name. She pulled out a pen from her pocket and scribbled over the name until it was unreadable. She then backed away as a series of Weewoos entered the room through a window. The Weewoos each scooped up a paper and then departed through the same window--all except for one who simply glanced at the crossed off name in confusion then left without a paper.

     “Excellent,” Peppi cheered. “Now how do I get out of here?”

     The window was much too high for her to reach and there was no exit from the junk mail pile. She scanned the room for another exit. She spotted a boarded up part of the wall and went to investigate. She removed a few of the boards and found a dusty, old passage. The Kau would barely fit, and her dress would get quite dirty, but it was her only escape.

     Carefully she squeezed her body through the passage and crawled through a dark tunnel. Eventually it began to widen up a bit and she found herself walking on soil.

     “This must be an old fashioned way of mail delivery,” she mused to herself. “The old underground of Neopia is such a fascinating place; you never know what—“

     She was cut off as she bumped into a something.

     “Hey, watch it,” snarled a voice.

     “Axel, what are you doing here?” Peppi gasped.

     “I’m getting out of the Neopian Times Headquarters; there was a tunnel in the back of the archives,” the Lutari explained.

     “No kidding, I found a tunnel in the post office,” Peppi exclaimed. “Looks like the two places used to be connected; how’s that for coincidence?”

     “Not so much coincidence as this,” came a voice from above them as a panel was removed from the ceiling.

     “Dad?” gasped Axel as he looked up to see the Lutari.

     “That’s right. Conveniently enough those tunnels let you right back to me.” Mr. Peterson beamed.

     The Lutari helped the two out of the tunnels and back into his office. Once he had sealed back the tile of the floor, he immediately asked about their missions.

     Axel handed him the document, wordless, as Peterson exclaimed, “Wonderful. And you, Peppi?”

     “You won’t have to worry about Sophie anymore,” the Kau declared.

     “Ha, Samuel Peterson is back,” laughed the Lutari triumphantly. “April 1st may be long over, but we’ve played the Neopian Times for fools!”

The End