Informed Sandwich Consumption 101

Neopets are always clamoring for more sandwiches, and no wonder. The sandwich is a wonderful food: the fresh bread, the savory filling, the piquant condiments of a properly made sandwich all combine to create firecrackers of explosive flavor. However, the variety of sandwiches in Neopia can become dizzying. When your beloved Neopet asks you for a sandwich, you may find yourself overwhelmed by all your choices: you make a dreadful mistake and purchase a gross snow sandwich for your Neopet instead of, say, a delicious pizza sandwich. The issue of informed sandwich consumption burns so close to my heart that I felt compelled to compile this handy guide to sandwiches in Neopia.

1. The Snow Sandwich

DO NOT EAT THIS SANDWICH! The snow sandwich is no true sandwich. A real sandwich has bread and filling. Snow is not a filling. It is not a food at all. It is a form of precipitation that will make your nice bread all soggy and disgusting. Furthermore, putting snow in your mouth will chill your gums and that is -- believe me -- a truly painful sensation. To add to your dental torture, you’ll experience some vicious head-freeze and a numb tongue. This sandwich goes for around 800 NP on the Shop Wizard, begging the question of who actually puts down hard-earned neopoints for this bizarre and pathetic concoction. There is no silver lining to this awful cloud of a food. Avoid it at all costs.

2. The Tigersquash Sandwich

Tigersquash sandwiches are a personal favorite of mine. Savory and fragrantly sweet, they are a wonderful vegetarian classic available for a reasonable 400 NP. You have to eat this sandwich freshly made and toasted, so the tigersquash gets a little melty and drippy and the bread becomes hot and crunchy. Don’t let this sandwich sit around. If this sandwich ages for more than a few hours, the tigersquash hardens and loses its sweetness. Don’t be afraid to request that the shopkeeper makes the sandwich in front of you: otherwise your sandwich will taste like a moldy potato.

3. The Tealeef Sandwich

Many Neopets avoid this sandwich because of its unappetizing appearance. It does indeed resemble a mutilated plant jammed between two slices of bread and garnished with a Lady Blurg. However, if you look closer at that little red orb with dots on it, you will see with relief that it is not a petpetpet after all, but instead a tomato with little peppercorns pasted on with honey. Now that you know you’re not eating your petpet’s beloved companion, you may take a bite. The tealeef sandwich is actually mildly tasty. The tealeef is a little sweet and crunchy, and the mustard adds some spice. Be forewarned that the tomato-peppercorn-honey combination is an acquired taste. If your Neopet has a dainty appetite, this might make a good lunch with some tea and cookies. However, for most Neopets, the tealeef sandwich is ultimately too small and subdued to suffice. You can find this sandwich for around 200 NP, but there are really so many better options available that I recommend you save your money for something more satisfying.

4. Mega Tuna Sandwich

Like the tealeef sandwich, this gigantic sandwich is not a looker. At first glance it looks like three pounds of processed tuna stuck between two thin slices of wilting bread. Don’t get me wrong. I love tuna. But who loves tuna enough to drop the exorbitant 300,000 NP this tuna sandwich goes for at the trading post? Those self-professed gourmet Neopets must be insane. But then I took a bite (with a fork -- my mouth is not a foot wide) and wow. This is one crazy yummy tuna sandwich. No gross mayonnaise here. What looks like plain tuna really disguises a panoply of ambrosial ingredients. Inside all that filling you will detect tender artichoke hearts, salty black olives, sun-dried tomatoes, crunchy diced celery, red pepper, basil, parsley, onion, garlic, and lemon. Not to mention that the tuna itself simultaneously meaty and delicate, really top of the line. However, the bread itself is a disappointment. When I pay 300,000 NP for a sandwich, I expect my bread to make all the bread I’ve ever had in the past seem like moist, rotting cardboard. I do not expect the bread to soak through with tuna juices and droop sadly. Ultimately, this sandwich, appetizing as it is, doesn’t warrant the price. This doesn’t mean you should pass on it, though. You can buy all those ingredients independently and make your own Mega Tuna Sandwich for about, oh, 798,000 NP cheaper. And with crisper, tastier bread.

5. The Pizza Sandwich

Oh man. Oh man. This 800,000 NP fatty smorgasbord of a sandwich is a heart-stopping wonder. When I say heart-stopping, I mean it. Before we analyze each oleaginous layer, make sure you have a good cardiologist. Are you set? Did you write down his or her number? Okay. Now here goes. At the bottom you have a slightly charred and intoxicatingly smoky-flavored coal-oven crust as bread. Mmmm... Next up is the cheese: fresh mozzarella and tangy romano melted together so as to drip and sizzle and ooze grease all over the crust. Fantastic. Sitting on top of that divine cheese are six or seven massive, spicy meatballs. What? Meatballs? That’s not a pizza topping! It’s okay, don’t worry. These meatballs are velvety smooth, supremely juicy, and laden with blubbery flavor. The outsides are slightly delicate and the centers are dense and chewy. They are masterfully created meatballs, resting beatifically underneath a warm fluffy blanket of mashed potatoes. What? Mashed potatoes? That’s not a pizza topping either! Set aside your qualms and accept that you can’t have meatballs without mashed potatoes. And these are some mashed potatoes. They are larded up with creamy sour cream and cheddar (yes, more cheese), tempered with rosemary and studded with peas. Peas, now don’t you feel healthy? Great, now on to the pepperoni. This is the one weakness of the pizza sandwich. The pepperoni slices don’t really add much besides extra grease and meat. You should probably take them out before eating. On top of the pepperoni is rich, robust tomato sauce. There is a complex sweet-and-sour tang to the sauce: this combined with a load of red pepper flakes creates a deeply intense and full-bodied flavor. And now we’ve reached the top of the sandwich, another crust as delightfully charred and smoky-flavored as the first. In conclusion, yum.

That’s all for today’s guide to sandwiches.

Happy eating!