Tales From Elysian Fields: A Modern Scauderwelsch

      ———

      Knock before you pass through the wooden Shenkuu doorway, as it belongs to Mister Kan, the rather unpleasant corporate executive officer of the Imperial City's top fortune cookie manufacturer, the Lucky Pandaphant. The ornate design may very well look traditional on the outside, but don't let this fool you; Kan is a very modern Kacheek, and the inside of his company is no different, fashioned with conveyor belts, factory lines, and large crates lined high against the metal walls that seem to stretch past even the misty clouds Shenkuu prides itself with.

      It is here where Charlie the yellow Chomby works from six in the morning to ten at night, only to repeat his same duties the next day. He is in charge of wrapping each fortune cookie and putting them in the little red boxes with the Pandaphant logo on the side. Charlie sees each weekday as merely another day in the factory — nothing more, nothing less.

      On this particular Friday, Charlie isn't wearing the rugged work shirt and vest he's used to; no, he's dressed in a dapper yellow button-up and green jacket that together cost his entire month's salary. Why today? Because more than anything, all this Chomby wants is to see Shenkuu play in the annual Altador Cup, Neopia's largest annual sporting competition. Before he can do that, however, he has to get through Kan.

      In a little while, Charlie will be offered a way out the Lucky Pandaphant — one with possibly more risks than rewards. He may choose to accept it, he may not; we don't know yet. But one thing's for certain: Charlie hasn't got any vacation days to bargain with, so let's see how far he's willing to go in Elysian Fields.

      ~

      "Yes, yes, come in quickly," Kan demands as Charlie is about to knock on his office door. "What do you want, Shirley?"

      "It's, um, it's Charlie, sir," he answers in a voice much smaller than he would have liked.

      "Boy, as long as I'm head of company, I call you Dungskuffler for all I care!" the royal Kacheek shouts, slamming a fist on the large desk in front of him. Noticing the latest dent of many, he regains his composure and twirls his long and pompous moustache that just screams Members Only. "What is it you want from me?"

      "Well, Mister Kan, I was just wondering—"

      "And why in the name of the Emperor are you wearing a suit in here!" Spit flies from his mouth and beads of sweat begin to form on his brow, dampening his ornamental Shenkuu headband. "Not even I wear a suit, and I'm boss! You can't box fortune cookies in a suit, boy!"

      "Right, yes, I'm sorry — I'll change right away!"

      "You better!" Kan takes off his sunglasses and begins to clean them with a handkerchief. "Now, I ask you once more: why are you in my office? You looking for raise?"

      "Oh, no, um, I was hoping you would... consider allowing me to go to the Altador Cup... sir." He gulps. "It's been a dream of mine for a very long time, and I've been—"

      Kan cuts him off, laughing so excessively that he's started to cry. He drops his shades on the desk and falls to the floor, howling.

      "YOU WANT TO... YOU WANT TO GO TO... AHAHAHA!!"

      "Mister Kan, I'm not quite seeing what's so funny," Charlie says, struggling to control his rising anger. "I mean, Steve goes down there each year to sell fortune cookies to fellow Shenkuu supporters! Maybe... maybe I could do that this year... you know?"

      Kan uses the table to help lift himself back into his chair, wiping tears from his eyes with his forefingers.

      "How long have you been working for this company, Shirley?"

      "Coming up four years, sir."

      "And how long has Steven been with us? Eight winters. That's more than double the time you've been here." He pours himself a glass of iced berry water and takes a sip. "Here at the Lucky Pandaphant, we provide a very generous salary and a good dental plan. Yet you so big, you crush most of my boxes, let alone the cookies! And you have the nerve to ask me to send you on an outing to Altador, all expenses paid by my company?!" Kan hurls the glass at Charlie, missing by a long shot, but the sound of it shattering manages to send chills down the Chomby's spine. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"

      "Mister Kan, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to—!"

      "Neither did I when I took you off the streets and offered you honest employment! If you think you can barge in here out of uniform and demand things from me, I will have you sent back to that wasteland Tyrannia — back to the dunghill where you belong! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

      Charlie nods, wincing, his whole body quivering in alarm.

      "Good," Kan finishes, reaching for another glass behind him as his secretary sweeps up the broken shards. "Now what are you waiting for, the Shenkuu Lunar Festival? Get out of my office!"

      Charlie quickly turns around and rushes out the door as Kan orders his secretary to make a reservation for fine dining at the exclusive Kelp restaurant so that Kan can satisfy his "sausage craving." Charlie sighs, knowing it would take at least two months of his own salary to pay for even the cheapest cocktail they serve.

      He retreats to his locker, hanging his jacket and shirt, replacing them with his tear-stained work clothes.

      ~

      As the mist begins to rise early Saturday morning, Charlie stops by the Delightful Dumpling, a tidy little shop nestled between two larger stores in the corner of the marketplace. Inside is a tiny Kacheek dressed in a cherry blossom kimono, humming to herself as she mops the floor, making sure she gets every dust speck.

      "Morning, Lin," Charlie greets her as he enters.

      "Hello, Cha-lee!" she says, smiling.

      He gathers a couple of items off the shelves into a basket, placing it on the counter in front of Lin when he's finished.

      "Black cherry tea, rice crackers, Harris vegan platter," she says, reading off the items he's purchasing. "Either you want me to lose my store, or you on diet!"

      They laugh together — Lin honestly, Charlie out of obligation.

      "I guess business isn't getting any better then, is it?" Charlie asks her.

      "No, not very good. Summer good, though, usually. Thank Fyora tourists like the authentic stuff." She sighs. "Hopefully this month bring better fortune. I might have to close down, if not."

      Charlie pays her the 486 Neopoints he owes her, feeling as if he's ripped her off, buying at such a low price. But they both understand that's all each can afford to sacrifice.

      "How is your work, Cha-lee?"

      "The usual," he replies. "Oh, and Kan won't let me go watch the Altador Cup tournament, after all. I got so mad that I started writing messages in the cookies, like, 'SAVE ME I'M STUCK IN A CRAZY FORTUNE COOKIE FACTORY!!!'"

      Lin giggles, and they wish each other the best of luck.

      Charlie exits the Delightful Dumpling, feeling sorry for the both of them, when he is suddenly stopped by a suspicious Techo wearing equally shady clothing.

      "Greetings, brother," says the Techo, revealing a mouthful of neglected teeth. "I got some good things on sale I think you'd be interested in."

      "Oh, no, I can't," Charlie begins. "I've already spent all my money for today and I really need to get back—"

      It's too late, as the Techo is already leading Charlie by the hand through the swarms of busy traders flocking the narrow streets. The Techo leads him through a back alleyway and into a makeshift tent that looks as if it was put up in a hurry.

      The Techo looks both ways before shutting the tent. He reaches behind a glass cabinet and pulls out a mysterious swirly potion.

      "You want to get out of your job, yah?" asks the Techo.

      "Who told you that?" replies Charlie, skeptically.

      "These Shenkuuvians talk, brother! Word gets out fast 'round these parts, and I've got just the thing you need right here." He tilts the potion back and forth before placing it in Charlie's hands. "One sip of this 'n' you'll transform into another species entirely, yah? So wha'dya say?"

      "Um, that's not exactly what I had in mind." Charlie puts the flask back into the Techo's clammy hands. "My friend Lin once told me a story about this guy who drank some stranger's 'magic' potion, and then he turned into a ghost or something while his body was cooked by a witch, so nooo thank you!"

      Charlie turns to leave, but the Techo reaches high enough to latch onto his shoulder, stopping him.

      "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" he says, letting go and searching his tent frantically. "You're scared, I know. Boss probably said, 'Sorry, can't let you get away from it all,' and you took that answer, fine and dandy. But I know you're better than that, brother, I do!"

      "Dude, stop calling me that," says Charlie. "I'm not your 'brother,' all right?"

      The Techo pulls out a ray gun.

      "Whoa, whoa, OK!" Charlie puts both of his hands up and starts to back away slowly. "We can totally be brothers! We can be whatever you—!"

      "No, no, stop that!" the Techo says, waving him off. Charlie slowly lowers his hands. "This here," he continues, "is a one-use Robotification Zappermajig."

      Silence.

      "I kid you not, that's what it's called," the Techo assures. "You give me some bread and I'll make a robot that looks just like you, yah?"

      "What would I do with a robot?" Charlie asks.

      "More like what you can do without it!" the Techo says, grinning madly as he walks around Charlie. "You can have it go to work while you take the day off — scratch that, take a whole week off! Go travel! See all that Neopia has to offer! Catch a cruise, make some friends, try some new food!" He pauses, then turns to face Charlie. "Watch this year's Altador Cup, perhaps."

      Charlie's mind brightens, the endless possibilities engulfing his inner thoughts.

      "And how much will this cost me?" he asks skeptically. "I don't have a lot of bread, but I'm sure Lin has a couple of loaves."

      The Techo puts his palm to his head and sighs deeply.

      "Nevermind the bread. All I need is one easy down payment of—" The Techo covers his mouth as he coughs, "—fiftythousandNeopoints."

      Charlie steps back, his heart stopping.

      "FIFTY THOUSAND?!" he yells, almost falling back. "That's more than my entire life's—!"

      "Shush!" the Techo demands. "Lower your voice before the guards show up!" Once Charlie calms down, he tries again. "Forty-five thousand, plus shipping and handling fees. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all!"

      Charlie considers his options.

      "How long do I have to think this through?" he asks.

      "Be back in an hour or the deals off, yah?"

      "Hold up, I don't even know your name," Charlie points out.

      "Name's Barry," the Techo replies.

      "Has anyone ever called you Barenth or Barold?"

      "Never 'Barenth,'" the Techo answers, laughing. "Now begone with you. And get me my money!"

      Charlie agrees, running out the door and into the crowded streets of Shenkuu — into what misfortune, he has no idea.

      ~

      An hour later, Charlie returns to Barry's with most of his belongings in tow. After some impressive haggling on Charlie's part, he consents to parting with his collection of themed water bottles from the original Altador Cup in exchange for a robot doppelgänger of himself, courtesy of Barry, to arrive at his doorstep within a couple of days.

      As promised, Monday morning brings a life-size, fully functional robot Chomby that looks so similar to Charlie it's almost creepy — Barry even got the shade of yellow right.

      Thrilled with his good fortune, Charlie dresses up the robot, dubbed "CH4RL13," in his work uniform, teaches it the basics of boxing cookies, and sends it off to the Lucky Pandaphant to endure Kan's bidding.

      Charlie begins packing right away, throwing what little clothes he owns into a large suitcase before rushing out the door, heart set on Altador.

      ~

      Three weeks later and Charlie has had the time of his life, hanging out with the likes of team captain Mirsha Grelinek, getting team wear from the official Altador Cup shop, and watching team Shenkuu play from the stands, cheering as loud as the fanatics — once so blaringly that someone offered him some throat drops and a megaphone.

      Yet all good things must come to an end, and by his fourth week in Altador, Charlie is almost out of Neopoints. He says his good-byes, promising his newfound friends he'll be back for the next tournament.

      He sets his course and begins his hike back to Shenkuu.

      ~

      "Wow, Lin, am I beat," Charlie says as he enters the Delightful Dumpling, plopping his new things on the freshly-mopped tiles. "I could sure go for some rice crackers and a cup of green tea, you know?"

      "Third aisle, second shelf," the Kacheek responds, not bothering to look up.

      Charlie locates the items and places them on the counter.

      "Say, Lin, I'm a little tight on cash right now. Any chance I could pay you back tomorrow? I'm already late for work, and I—"

      "Payment is required for purchasing goods, sir," Lin responds, snatching the items and placing them behind the counter.

      "Since when have you called me 'sir'?" he asks, laughing. Lin's stern expression remains the same. "Hey, you OK, Lin? It's me, Charlie."

      "Cha-lee not visited me for almost a month," she says, frowning. "No one visited Lin for almost a month! The traders have been in frenzy ever since Mister Kan upgraded factory to the Royal Pandaphant. He dominates the marketplace with that machine of his!"

      Charlie is shocked. He looks into her sad eyes.

      "You really don't remember me, Lin? I've been coming in every Saturday since I moved here four years ago! I work for Kan! I box the cookies, don't you remember? 'SAVE ME I'M STUCK IN A CRAZY—"

      "Sir, please do not yell or I will be forced to call the guards." She covers the register with her kimono. "You are causing a scene. Please leave my store."

      Both annoyed and hungry, Charlie picks up his souvenirs from Altador and makes his way to the factory. The streets and stalls are deserted, and the manufacturing plant is twice as large as Charlie remembers. He walks past the gates and goes inside to find Kan making conversation with CH4RL13, who is busy packaging fortune cookies on a single conveyor belt at rapid speed.

      "Who are you?!" Kan screams at Charlie. "Who let you in here — my secretary?! Guards!"

      "Mister Kan, it's me, Charlie!"

      "... Who?"

      "'Shirley'...? 'Dungskuffler,' on occasion...?"

      "I don't know who you think you are, boy, but you need to leave this instant! I'm promoting my finest employee, Charlie the Chomby, to Senior Productions Engineer, and you are ruining the moment!"

      "But sir, I am Charlie! That's just a robot replacement I bought from—!"

      "A robot?" Kan asks, laughing. "What do you take me for, an idiot?! You can't be Charlie! Charlie is employee of the month — the only employee after I fired them all!"

      "But I am, sir! I can prove it to you!"

      "Oh, yeah?" Kan asks, a smug expression on his face. "How long have you been working for the company, Charlie?"

      "Um, almost four years this—"

      "1,272 days, thirteen hours, 21 minutes, and five seconds, Mister Kan," the android answers in a monotone voice with a slight whirl at the end.

      "But that's not fair!" Charlie shouts. "This is all wrong... I've been—!"

      "What is it you do here, Charlie?" Kan asks.

      "I package fortune cookies and occasionally—!"

      "I remove thin, folded cookies from the conveyor belt and make certain that each contains a single slip of paper with a prediction written on it," CH4R13 answers. "If they do not, I put them aside. If they do, I wrap each cookie in a silk, scarlet napkin before placing it inside one of our quality marketed containers, sealing it shut before repeating the process again. This performance takes an average of four seconds per fortune cookie to execute properly."

      Charlie stares at the mechanical Chomby that is supposedly him, his mouth open in shock.

      "And what is the best dish in all of Neopia?" Kan asks.

      The robot doesn't even allow Charlie the time to think about it: "The aquatic delicacy of mini sausages enhanced with stramberry sauce and mashed zeevines, sold for 31,200 Neopoints at the Kelp restaurant establishment."

      Kan grins, having won yet another battle.

      Outraged, Charlie slams into the robot, knocking it to the ground. Kan rushes up the stairs and reaches for the intercom as Charlie dismantles his bionic twin.

      "Stop that!" Kan orders. "Stop that this minute or I call security!" But it's to no avail, as Charlie is tired of Kan and his orders — done with everything involving fortune cookies, Kacheeks, and suspicious Techos.

      "Leave Cha-lee alone, you monster!"

      Charlie drops the remaining pieces and turns to see Lin by the door, horror in her once-beaming eyes, a job application in her trembling hands.

      He reaches for the ground to help himself up, but grabs a loose wire by mistake, sending impulses storming throughout his body, causing him to wail out in pain.

      Charlie falls to the floor, having shocked himself physically and Lin emotionally.

      ~

      "Lucky for you, the doctor was able to use some of the scrap metal from the android you tore at to build you a new body," a nurse tells Charlie as he starts to gain consciousness. He has a pounding headache, and he can't wiggle his toes.

      "Unfortunately, we weren't able to salvage anything below your neck," she continues. "As you aren't waterproof just yet, you will need to employ caution near any liquids to avoid rusting, so you will be unable to attend any sporting events, outdoor gatherings, or even leave your home if there's a good amount of moisture in the air. That said, it has been advised that you relocate to the arid Tyrannian plateau for safety measures, all expenses paid by the Royal Pandaphant, of course."

      Charlie stretches his neck to the left and catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror: his head is covered in bandages, and his body is almost completely robotic.

      "It's a good thing Dr. Barold operated when he did," she goes on in a fake, cheery voice necessary in her line of work. "He says you're a patient of his. Oh, here comes the doctor now!"

      The nurse leaves, and in front of Charlie walks Barry the Techo, now dressed in a doctor's suit.

      He puts a hand over Charlie's mouth.

      "Now, now, don't say a word," Barry says, moving his free hand to pet Charlie's slick new shell. "You got away, yah? Isn't that what you wanted — what you bargained for? And now I hear Kan's hiring again!"

      He searches Charlie's eyes for any bursts of anger. No response. He removes his hand.

      "So yah, they removed your heart and other 'vital' organs, but let me tell you something: I've been in and out of hospitals these past years, and sure, I've seen a lot of messed up stuff... but emotions? A sense of feeling? Brother, I can say for certain that they ain't so essential to life after all — you're living proof!" He knocks on Charlie's nerves of steel. "A modern Scauderwelsch, yah?"

      Barry smirks before leaving Charlie alone in his metal casing, forever granted the opportunity for a permanent, silent reflection on life's priorities.

      ———

      Scauderwelsch: a monster Scorchio created by Professor Kachevski one night in the lower levels of his Haunted Woods laboratory. Many years later, Zelroo: life prolonged by Dr. Frank Sloth after the spacecraft designer lost most of his body to a tragic accident. And now, Charlie — half Neopet, half android.

      These procedures may appear to be nothing short of a miracle, but don't let fancy gadgets and gizmos fool you: Charlie is being punished for his negligence, not rewarded. That said, expect to wake up one morning to find other cyborgs like him roaming the streets, for even if a "Robotification Zappermajig" is one-use, the universe still has an interesting way of course-correcting itself. Whatever the case may be, remember that modifications like these are what keep this world in gear — modifications that are just now starting to ship in pairs, with best regards... from Elysian Fields.

The End

For my patient fans. It took some time, but this is for each of you. Thank you.