The Travels of A Would-Be Knight: Imperiled Exam: Part Two

     When Roxias got up to do his daily forms the next day, he found Scout in the kitchen, muttering under her breath as she glared at some kou-jong tiles she’d set up on the table. Roxias blinked, surprised. "What are you doing?"

      "Practicing my own sort of forms. My kou-jong forms, so that I can finally beat you at this stupid game," Scout retorted.

      Roxias frowned. "You know, there’s no shame in being bad at something. We’ve all got our weaknesses, yours just happens to be long-term strategy."

      "It’s not that I’m bad at ‘long-term strategy,’ it’s that I’m worse than YOU!" snapped Scout.

      "Okay, seriously, why are you so obsessed with being smarter than me?" asked Roxias. "Are you really THAT upset that not all of your stereotypes about knights are true?"

      "Ninjas are supposed to be the superior warrior-class! But you’re not any less honorable than me, or less hardworking, or less determined to protect people!" Scout retorted. "But you have to be worse at SOMETHING, and I am determined to make it brains!"

      Roxias blinked. "...Wait. So it isn’t that you dislike me as a person anymore, it’s that you dislike me as some sort of...of rival?"

      "Oh, please, you’re not good enough for THAT title," scoffed Scout. "But yes, I dislike your occupation, and I dislike how GOOD you are at it. So go be good upstairs, and let me make you seem bad at kou-jong in comparison to me!"

      "Scout, I really don’t think that’s going to-"

      "GO!" barked Scout. Roxias was halfway up the stairs when Grandpa Hansuke came out of his room. "Hold it, Roxias, don’t go getting all sweaty this morning."

      Roxias frowned. "But my forms-"

      "You can do them later. Ogrin Master invited us to go watch the martial arts part of the imperial guard tests today, and those start in hour," said Grandpa Hansuke. "So go ahead and shovel down some breakfast, both of you. Anyone care for some Nyoom Juice?"

      "Sure, when humans get magic," said Scout sarcastically. She held up a pot of coffee, which she had drained dry. "I already got my fix for the morning."

      "Fine. And you don’t have to be rude," added Grandpa Hansuke sternly.

      They hurriedly ate, and set off for the Imperial City. Grandpa Hansuke grinned from ear to ear. "Not every day outsiders get to see these exams in person! This is a big day!"

      *******

      "Alright, Zei, this is a big day," Zei murmured to himself, eyeing the door of the examination hall nervously. "This is the day you proctor your first big examination as well as the initial tests."

      He took a deep breath, and headed inside. Over a hundred Neopians, most Shenkuunese but some from as far away as Neopia Central, filled the examination hall. Once they were all seated, Zei walked up to a desk up front and went over the rules. He tried to keep his voice from quavering as best as he could, but overdid it and sounded rather robotic as he said, "The guards will hand out your tests now. The exam will last for two hours, after which you must leave, whether you have finished or not. Do not start until the gong rings, or you will be disqualified. If you are caught glancing at your neighbor’s paper, you will be disqualified. If it becomes clear you snuck in a sheet on topics you knew would be on the test, you will be disqualified. Once you are finished, put your test on my desk, upside-down, and leave the examination hall, but wait outside. The results will be posted within two hours after the exam concludes."

      He sat down at the desk, and rang a little gong. "Begin."

      Everyone scrambled to scribble down answers. The hall was absolutely silent, the only noise the occasional rustling of paper as someone turned a page, and, after about half an hour, sniffling which gradually turned into hysterical sobs. The culprit, a faerie lenny, stood and ran out of the examination hall, wailing about how she’d brought dishonor upon herself and her family. The other test-takers watched her go with wide eyes.

      Zei winced. There was always one at every test, he supposed. "Er, eyes on your paper."

      The remaining Neopians quickly resumed their tests. Ten minutes later, another one, this time a Disco Poogle, fell to the ground throwing a temper tantrum, screaming and thrashing and all. The guards finally had to pick him up and carry him, still kicking and screaming, out of the hall.

      ...Okay, two. There were two at this test. The test-takers looked more worried than ever now. Zei tried to sound stern as he said, "What did I say the first time? Eyes on your paper. If you neighbor has a mental breakdown, it should be none of your concern."

      Twenty-five minutes before the test concluded, a green Bruce caught Zei’s eye. The Bruce kept pushing his left sleeve back and scratching his arm while gazing at it far more intensely than he needed to. Suspecting foul play, Zei marched right over to the Bruce. "And what do you think YOU are doing?"

      The Bruce looked up at him with wide eyes. "Uh.."

      Zei pulled the Bruce's sleeve back, and saw writing on it. "Just as I suspected! You were warned, Master..."

      He glanced at the Bruce's paper. "...Herman? Seriously? Well, you were warned, Master Herman, get caught cheating, and you’re automatically disqualified!"

      "You said not to sneak in a SHEET with notes about the exam questions! This is an arm, so it doesn’t count!" argued the Bruce.

      "They’re still notes, and I will not tolerate this!" retorted Zei.

      "I don’t care what you tolerate, I came here to take a test, and that’s what I’m gonna do!"

      "A test you can’t even pass without writing on your arm! That’s terrible handwriting anyway! How do you read that?!"

      "If I say I can’t, will you leave me be?"

      "NO!"

      As they bickered, a blue Skeith rose from his chair, and headed into the palace proper. There were no guards in sight, not at this time of the day, in a place they thought was so secure no one could possibly get in. He grinned, and sauntered into a nearby room full of various treasures. This was a big day.

      *******

      After a couple hours, the martial arts portion of the Imperial guard tests became rather dull, at least for Roxias. There were only so many times you could watch a Neopet chop things in half with his hand. So, the Lupe asked if he could go explore the palace instead. When the Ogrin Master gave him his permission, Roxias happily set off. Unfortunately, without a guide, the Lupe quickly became lost. Unsure what he was doing but determined to do it till someone corrected him, Roxias walked through the palace corridors until he walked into a room and saw a Skeith stuffing a number of valuable goods into his pockets.

      For a moment, neither of them moved. Then, the Skeith slowly moved a hand from the left to the right and said in a monotone voice, "You didn't see anything."

      Roxias drew his sword.

      "Worth a shot," shrugged the Skeith. He drew his own sword, and the fight was on.

      Roxias was glad he'd been keeping up with his forms. This Skeith was clearly no stranger to swordplay, and he was swifter than his size suggested. It was all Roxias could do to keep up with him. All down the hallway they battled, swiping and parrying, neither able to land a good blow. The Skeith, spotting an expensive vase, pushed it over. Roxias cried out, and quickly caught it. While he was distracted, the Skeith lunged. Roxias leaped to the side just in time, and, tucking the vase under his arm, resumed the fight.

      The Skeith laughed at the sight. "A decent fighter AND possesses nice taste in decor! My kind of Neopet! What's your name, lad?"

      "Roxias Brown Elbuort! What's yours, THIEF?" snarled Roxias.

      "Elbuort, huh? Figures. I'm Danner Barron, but everybody calls me Dan. You know, if you steal as well as you fight, you'd make a good Guild member!"

      "Thanks, but I've got my heart set on becoming a knight!"

      "Pfft. The way some of those guys treat the villages they're s'posed to protect, you wouldn't know the difference," snorted Dan. "Well, Squire Roxias, I hate to cut our fun short, but I've got places to be, and neither of us is gonna win this anytime soon, so..."

      He turned on his heel, and ran. Roxias tried to give chase, but the Skeith was an expert in evasive maneuvers, and soon, he'd vanished.

      A red kau guard ran up, panting. "I heard fighting. What's going on?"

      Roxias stared at the guard, trying very hard not to face palm. 'Oh, sure, NOW you show up!'

      *******

      The guards weren't very happy to learn that a thief had gotten away with some valuables. They were even less happy to learn that he'd entered from the examination hall.

      "Wait a minute, that Skeith was here yesterday! He misspelled three words, including his own name! How could you let him in?!" snarled the red kau guard, turning on Zei, who quickly held his hands up. "I swear, his test looked fine when I double-checked it!"

      "You were probably sleepy from all those carbs you ate with the ninja and the knight," snorted the blue Grarrl guard.

      "I’m not a-" began Roxias.

      "He’s not a knight, he’s a squire, he’s on this dumb pilgrimage, and I’m not a ninja yet, but I can still kick your butt if you don’t get out of Zei’s face right now," said Scout, glowering at the guards.

      "Threatening an imperial guard? That could land you in prison for a long, long time, girly," growled the blue grarrl, walking over to Scout with one hand on his sword. Grandpa Hansuke whacked him over the head with his cane. "Enough with the tangents! Let us focus on problem at hand! Oh, and never call my niece ‘girly’, she ‘WOMANY’! Now, how we figure out whether or not Zei incompetent buffoon?"

      "I...I’m standing right here," murmured Zei.

      "We could look at the test," suggested Roxias. The red kau nodded. "Fine. But I’m sending out word to shut down the ports so that the thieves don’t leave while we’re doing our little ‘investigation.’"

      "Good call. I like you," declared Grandpa Hansuke, pointing at the kau with his cane.

      They went to Zei’s quarters, and found it almost buried in books and scrolls, plus a few socks.

      "Zei, I think you have a problem," said Scout.

      "I sure it’d be fine if he more organized," said Grandpa Hansuke.

      "This IS organized. See, that pile’s my ‘for fun’ books, and that pile’s my ‘for educational purposes’ books," said Zei. "And all the test scrolls are on that shelf over there."

      The blue Grarrl and red kau went to retrieve the scroll, but tripped over something. The red kau held up a half-knitted sweater, and both guards stared judgmentally at Zei, who flushed and murmured, "It’s relaxing."

      Once they had the scroll, they opened it to find that, sure enough, every answer was perfect.

      "This doesn't make any sense," muttered the kau. "It looked awful before."

      "Gimme," said Grandpa Hansuke, snatching the parchment away from the surprised kau. He examined it from all angles, then, to everyone's confusion, licked it. He smacked his lips and nodded. "Yup. That a forgery. The ink from Meridellian quill, not Shenkuu brush."

      "Do you make a routine of tasting every ink made in every land of Neopia?" asked the blue Grarrl dubiously. Grandpa Hansuke raised his eyebrows. "Matter of fact, yes. Why, you don't?"

      "If it's a forgery, then someone must've forged it," began Roxias. Scout clapped sarcastically. "Awww, BRILLIANT deduction there, Elbuort!"

      "AND it had to have been when we were all at dinner," finished Roxias through gritted teeth. He turned to the Grarrl. "Did you see anything suspicious?"

      "No."

      "And did you leave your post at all?"

      The Grarrl shifted awkwardly. "Well, yes, to help this human boy find his family. But I was only gone a minute!"

      "A minute all it takes," said Grandpa Hansuke gravely.

      "Well, there WAS a pink kacheek who stole a quill from Danger Magnet, plus a few Neopoints," piped up Scout. Roxias stared. "Why didn't you say anything BEFORE?!"

      Scout shrugged. "Figured it was nothing you couldn't lose."

      The guards sent the word out to look for a pink Kacheek and blue Skeith.

      "They'll never find them if they're members of the Thieves' Guild," said Zei glumly. "And if they don't find them, I'M the one who'll pay for it, with my JOB."

      Roxias turned to Scout. "If you can track either of them down, I will let you win at kou-jong, and I will let you believe that ninjas are superior to knights in every way."

      "Well, I wasn't going to let someone as sweet as Zei lose his job anyway, but I accept your offer," said Scout. She began walking down the hall till she suddenly froze, her ears perking up. She grinned, "I got him."

      She hurried off, never taking her gaze off the ground for a moment. The others hastily followed.

      "How’s she not running into anything?" murmured the red kau.

      "You should see my brother Rex read and walk. Or my sister Jaylie," said Roxias. He frowned. Come to think of it, a lot of his relatives read while walking. Granted, that wasn’t the most dangerous thing any of them had ever done, but still…right, he needed to focus on the matter at hand.

      "Okay," said Scout loudly, causing them all to jump. "He headed out of the palace, and towards the ports. Since those are closed, I’m guessing he decided to head to a shop on the shadier side of things to lay low for a while. Any idea where that could be?"

      "Does throwing a Neopian off of the side of a ship count as ‘shady’? Because if so, I’ve got just the place," said the blue Grarrl.

      *******

      Hank the human arrived at Chef Bonju’s to find Dan, the pink Kacheek, and Herman the Bruce waiting for him. He held up two morphing potions. "Sorry! Finding these was NOT easy, and I had to swipe some points from this nobleman to afford the second one."

      "You did great," said Dan, taking one of the potions. "Once the ports open up, me and Abriha will guzzle these down, and we should have no problem with any guards all the way to the Guild. There were a coupla setbacks, but overall, I’d say this is another victory for Team Dan. Well done, my young apprentices."

      "We're NOT calling ourselves Team Dan," said Abriha firmly.

      "Whatever you say," shrugged Dan. Herman frowned, "Why do we have to go to the Guild first? Why can’t we just spend it first, for once?"

      "’For once.’ You remember what happened the last ‘for once’ we spent the Neopoints first and wound up without enough for a tithe to Kanrik? I believe we dubbed it ‘The Lollipop Incident’?" asked Dan. They all shuddered.

      "Okay, point taken," said Herman. "Man, Kanrik’s like a Dark wizard. He can even make LOLLIPOPS seem scary."

      "There are some things that can never be unseen," whispered Abhira. Hank’s eyes went wide, then he turned, and ran out of the back door, nearly knocking Bonju’s cooking vessel over in the process.

      "Hey! Watch where you’re fleeing, kid!" snapped the orange Blumaroo.

      "Hank, what-" began Da.

      "EVERY PET FOR HIMSELF!" shouted Hank.

      The remaining three turned, and saw some guards running towards them, along with the exam proctor, a yellow Ogrin, a yellow Zafara, and a Lupe Dan recognized as Roxias.

      "Ah, dung cake," grumbled Dan. Herman turned and ran as well. "And every pet for herself, too, Abriha, in case you felt excluded!"

      "Don't speak for me, Herman!" shouted Abriha, irritated. Dan scooped her up and took off running himself. "You can continue this later, if we live!"

      After a few moments, Roxias realized that they were going to go right past the kou-jong hut, and he got an idea. "Scout, can you leap down to Linae's from here?!"

      "Can I?" replied Scout with a grin.

      "....Can you?" asked Roxias.

      "Can I- of course I can!" snapped Scout.

      "Great!" exclaimed Roxias, and he told her the plan. Scout hastily leaped from the road to Linae's hut down below, and ran inside, emerging a moment later with a bucket full of kou-jong tiles. As Dan and Abriha approached, Scout looked at the tiles and muttered, "At least there's ONE way I can win with you," and then she dumped them all over the road. Dan slipped, and fell facedown on the ground. Abriha tried to get away, but Scout grabbed her and held her up in the air so that she couldn't run.

      Roxias ran up and stared at Scout in disbelief. Scout frowned. "What? I did what you wanted, and I tripped them up with kou-jong tiles."

      "That...wasn’t what I had in mind. I saw smoke coming from Linae’s chimney, and I figured that she was cooking some more of that soup she had yesterday, so I was thinking you’d spill the soup and make them slip. But, I guess kou-jong tiles work, too," said Roxias awkwardly. Scout stared at him. "...Wow. You WAY overthink things. If that’s what it takes to be a long-term strategist, count me out."

      The guards hastily cuffed Dan and Abhira. Dan went quietly, to Roxias’s surprise. Abhira, not so much. It was amusing to watch the big, burly guards try to wrangle the small pink Kacheek.

      "Ow, she bit me!"

      "She kicked ME!"

      "She BIT me! With her MOUTH!"

      Finally the group disappeared into the distance. Zei turned to Roxias and Scout, beaming from ear to ear. "You saved my job! I don’t know how to repay you!"

      "Oh, you don’t have to," said Roxias, smiling.

      "He’s speaking for himself, to be clear. Feel perfectly free to repay me," said Scout quickly. Zei laughed, and pulled them both into a hug. "You know what, how about I treat us for lunch AND dessert?! I know, I’ll get you three some fortune cookies!"

      "Make that two," said Grandpa Hansuke quickly. "It best not to know too much about your own future."

      "You do realize those cookies are a big load of barnacles, right? No offense," added Scout, looking at Zei. She barely dodged Grandpa Hansuke’s cane.

      "Never. Mock. The cookie," said the Ogrin ominously. On that cheerful note, he headed back to the palace to tell the Ogrin Master where they’d disappeared to.

      Zei grinned at Scout and Roxias. "So, whaddaya say? Lunch and cookies?"

      "You know I’m game," said Scout. Roxias grinned. "It sounds perfect."

      *******

      It was with full bellies and singing hearts that Scout, Roxias, and Grandpa Han returned to The Nomad that afternoon.

      "Alright, I vote we sleep forever, who’s with me?" asked Scout.

      "Not me. I'm still running on Nyoom Juice. It keeps you up twelve straight hours, guaranteed," said Grandpa Hansuke. "I think I going to go make some garlic bulb necklaces, Ogrin Master said he spotted vamp yesterday."

      Roxias and Scout watched the Ogrin disappear into his room. After a moment, Roxias whispered, "Should...should we tell him?"

      "Nah. It’ll be more entertaining if he figures it out himself," said Scout. "So, today’s little adventure made me realize something. I was stupid to get so obsessed over being better than you at Kou-Jong."

      "Oh, I’m glad you see it that way," said Roxias. Scout held up a hand to indicate she wasn’t finished. "I’m already better than you at tracking, and sailing, and tripping up thieves, and, of course, being aesthetically pleasing. Why worry about a silly little game?"

      "I...don’t think that was quite the lesson we were supposed to learn," said Roxias, frowning.

      "Don’t worry, though. You’ve still officially become my rival," said Scout.

      Roxias blinked. "Thank...you?"

      "Oh, don’t thank me yet. I don’t take rivalries lightly. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be nothing but a little blob of humiliation and broken dreams, and I will stand there and laugh as you dissolve in your own tears," said Scout, her tone growing more intense with each word. She smiled, and said cheerfully, "Welp, I’m off to take a nap."

      Roxias sank into a chair, and began massaging his temples. He’d been wrong. Grandpa Hansuke was a nice-yet-slightly-unhinged Neopian who liked him, that was still true, but Scout was a terrifying-and-completely-bonkers Neopian who LOATHED him. How in the name of Illusen was he going to survive a year with these two?

      Some paper in his pocket crinkled. Smiling slightly, he pulled it out and unfolded it. After lunch, Zei had given him a picture of Roxias’s family from the last time he’d visited Shenkuu, which he had written a little note on.

      You’re not just cool because of these guys. You’re my hero now because of you.

      --Yours,

      Zei

      P.S. Wow, I’M sort of giving out an autograph right now! How cool is that?!

      Roxias gazed at the picture for a moment, taking in the many smiling faces. All bore the Elbuort name, but all were so vastly different, from the seven-year-old wizard-in-training Avvie to the ghostly actress Arthena. The Elbuort surname would always lead to assumptions about them, as would the name Tobias Elbuort, but, they also had the chance to make a name for themselves. And so did he.

      Just then Grandpa Hansuke returned, holding a garlic bulb necklace and looking annoyed. "Bad news. I only got enough garlic for one necklace. Looks like we're going to have to leave early. Where you want to go to next?"

      "I thought we were going to take turns deciding," pointed out Roxias.

      "Yeah, but I got no ideas, and trust me, you do NOT want to wake Scout from a nap just to ask something like that. So, where to?" asked Grandpa Hansuke.

      Roxias thought for a moment, then smiled. "You know, I haven't been to Maraqua since I was a pup."

      "Then Maraqua it is!" declared Grandpa Hansuke. He started for the stairs, then paused, and sank into the chair next to Roxias. "After Scout wakes up, 'cause I still don't remember how to sail."

      "Yeah, we should have Scout teach us soon," replied Roxias.

      "Good call. In meantime, want to hear humiliating stories about your grandfather while he not here to defend himself?" asked Grandpa Hansuke with a wicked grin. Roxias couldn't help but grin back. "Sure."

      As Grandpa Hansuke told him about a time that Grandpa Tobi had accidentally gotten an emperor's new clothes eaten by petpetpets just as the emperor was going to show them off to the public, Roxias began to relax. Grandpa Hansuke's tree didn't go all the way up to the top branch, but he was a good guy, and seemed like he'd make a good friend. He doubted he and Scout would ever be friends, but hey, he'd never had a rival before. That might be interesting.

      And in any case, they were both going to make his travels as a would-be knight much, MUCH more entertaining.

      The End