What is my Pet Reading, Anyway?

     At first, everything seemed okay… nice, even. Jakester was reading books like Neopian Sunrises and Tree Climbing for Beginners. He went outside a lot, and I assumed he was, y’know, watching sunrises and climbing trees. Maybe visiting some potato patches after reading about the Influence of Potatoes on History.

     I became puzzled that some of the books he read were just so BORING: an ancient copy of the Neopian Times?! The History of Dirt?!? And I couldn’t make heads or tails of him spending days poring over Crypt Days, an indecipherable puzzle to anyone but the initiated.

     Then I saw a number of cookbooks in his reading log and I got suspicious. Jakester hasn’t been anywhere near the oven in years, so what’s he doing carrying around Scorchio Cook Book and Cooking with Corn? Could I really chalk this up to idle curiosity? I saw the titles of inspirational stories like Skies Above Tyrannia, Raising Grundos, and Baby Kacheeks scrolled across his list, too, but I couldn’t imagine why he’d be reading tales of raising small Neopets.

     THEN… everything became clear.

     I started to see more and more books about taking care of different kinds of petpets in his log: Babaa Care, My First Babaa, Petpet Biology, Slorg Care, Grooming Your Faellie, and more… Then he graduated to books about taking care of other kinds of pets! What does he need to know about the minds of Lupes (Inside the Mind of a Lupe) or the diets of Koi (Feed Koi)? Chomby Dental Care?? Lenny Language, seriously?! Who even knew Lennies speak a different language?!?

     I’m sure right now you’re thinking: but wait! This seems totally benign! Jakester just wants to take better care of his petpet and understand his friends better. Awwwwww!

     Just… check out the next titles on his list.

     Watch Out!

     Scary Peophin Tales

     One Scary Night

     Dark Kyrii Tales

     My Neighbour the Zombie

     And… last but not least: a Haunted Woods Travel Brochure!

     See a pattern? Clearly, Jakester had found himself mesmerized by the darker side of Neopia, the bumps in the night, the creepies and crawlies, the Haunted Woods themselves! Now this, by itself, isn’t cause for concern - we all need a little horror in our lives - but take Jakester’s newfound fascination with the dark arts, combine it with his quickly growing knowledge of various pets’ and petpets’ “bone and muscle structure” (from Petpet Biology!), diets, minds, teeth, and various inner workings, and then add this last round of information…

     Beginners Curses

     Witch Hunting Techniques

     Buzz Guide to Magics

     Dark Faerie Magic

     Evil Spells

     Modern Spells

     Curses of Qasala

     Unexplained Disappearances

     Strange Behaviors

     You must see what I mean! Jakester is up to something nefarious, something to do with unexplained disappearances and strange behaviours and curses and dark magic and casting spells on unsuspecting pets and petpets and - yes! - perhaps even Neopians like myself.

     You can imagine my shock upon discovering all of this. Two conclusions immediately sprang to mind: one, Jakester is plotting an evil takeover of Neopia and nothing I do can stop him; or two, Jakester is plotting a takeover of Neopia, but he wants to be a benevolent overlord, and nothing I do can stop him. Seeing Rules to Rule By by Dr. Sloth on his bookshelf clinched it. Jakester is aiming for world domination. Whether he will treat us well or poorly, only time can tell.

     Until my pet takes over Neopia, I thought I’d share some tips for censoring your own pet’s reading diet. The last thing we want is a brawl between pets intent on reshaping everything!

     Don’t purchase books with the words “curse,” “dark magic,” “evil,” or, for Pteri’s sake, “Unexplained disappearances” in their titles. You want to steer your pet away from the darker subjects, especially once they get into their teenage years.

     Stick to topics like trees, flowers, potatoes, dirt. Y’know. Maybe some nice stories about Peophins or Meercas. Try, say, Maggie the Meerca, the story of a Meerca who just won’t be quiet! That doesn’t sound dull at all!

     Give your pets boring reading material first, like the encyclopedia. A pet that doesn’t read doesn’t take over the world. And before you get upset: we do want pets to read, but we also want pets to recognize their place in the hierarchy heretofore established. I mean, can you imagine a Skeith trying to rule over Neopia?!

     Encourage some hobbies besides reading. There are so many to choose from throughout the site; try taking jobs at the employment agency, entering the Beauty Contest, battling in the Battledome, dressing your pet up super cute, matching petpets and petpetpets with your pet, and so on. There are endless possibilities that do not involve nefarious books.

     Lastly, on the off chance your pet does follow the dictatorial path, make sure you’re feeding them quality Gourmet foods (and not sticking them in Cockroach Towers - they’ll remember that). You never know when the reckoning will be.

     That’s it, folks! Go home and take a looksie around your own pets’ reading logs… see if anything isn’t amiss. Maybe slide some titles like The Kau Files into your pet’s To Be Read pile. I wish you stealth and a long list of banal books.

     Disclaimer: The Library Faerie does not approve of this message. Neopians, pets, petpets, and petpetpets have the right to consume any reading material they desire without limitation or obstruction. Neopia does not stand for censorship and the author of this article will be immediately barred from further public discussion of reading logs. Read as you wish, Neopia.