Exploring Tyrannia's Dung

     To find the source of all the excrement, we travelled to the prehistoric land of Tyrannia and asked the locals what they knew about the history of dung. Few were forthcoming; their dung secrets were harder to squeeze out than you’d think. Our team tried examining roadside piles and even bringing them to shape themselves, but our art all melted back into piles beneath the steamy-hot sunshine. As the team was just beginning to give up they found themselves a nice table in the shade, sipping on dung shakes and downing dung tacos, when they realized they were right in sight of a place that might just have the answers we needed: a furniture store with a full line of dung masterpieces, ready to take home.

     Neopia’s number-two favourite furniture store is nestled by the lake in the Tyrannian Jungle, overlooking the village which is held together with dung and straw, a real feat of dung-inspired architecture. As our reporters entered the stone archway the delicate scent of the fixtures tickled their noses, nothing at all like the faint whiffs you catch in the village, but a whole power unto itself. It was no wonder Tyrannians were known to have built and loaded catapults with the stuff to chase away even the nastiest of enemies.

     We approached the shopkeeper, who greeted our team with a flurry of “Ugga ugga!”s as he dropped his furniture catalogue. After promising to take home a set for the office, he became much friendlier with us and agreed to speak a bit about what he knew of the history of dung. With the help of our Tyrannian translator we were able to ask him some questions:

     Reporter: Thank you for speaking with us today; what can you tell us about the line of dung furniture you have here?

     Uggador, the Shopkeep: All it takes is a great imagination and a bag full of dung to get started - there is no limit to what has been made with dung by the enterprising Tyrannian. Crafting with dung has been a long tradition here, see. It began a few generations back, before we even joined with the rest of Neopia and before the Tyrannian Invasion. Back then it was little things, just trinkets, you know? But eventually, when they built the village, they learned a special ingredient that makes it extra sticky.

     Reporter: Extra sticky? Is that why the furniture here doesn’t fall apart?

     Uggador: Ugg-solutely! And once they got the mixture just right - a secret combination involving sifting the lake water for certain minerals - they’d set it into shape and then let it bake in the sun. Once a day or so passed your masterpiece would be set in shape and ready to go.

     Reporter: Fascinating. Why use dung, though? Surely there was something else less… pungent?

     Uggador: Abundance and ease. If you really hated the smell you could just make a nice dung vase for some flowers. There was also the heat to deal with - dung kept the houses cool enough because it didn’t trap the heat in, and still damp enough to keep the straw-build houses of the village from catching fire during a heatwave. It was the most versatile tool we had, and the mastery of it may be why Tyrannia exists today.

     Reporter: Incredible ingenuity.

     At the end of our little dungside chat, the shopkeeper offered us a splash course in dung-making, seeing as he was about to produce the next line. Our eager intern was gracious enough to take our place and get his paws dirty. Uggador keeps the dung in a shed out behind the furniture store, explaining that keeping it in the shade meant it would not bake into shape so he could store it until he’d gathered enough. He was unwilling to share the source of his materials, but still offered us a generous heap to work with as he loaded our inventories with our brand new dung furniture.

     The intern decided to thoughtfully craft a new, far more comfortable office chair for the Editor as a thank you for his opportunity to master such a unique art. He shared this with us about the experience: “It’s like clay, but smellier and squishier.”

     Next we departed the Tyrannian Jungle for the Plateau, where Town Hall awaited us. We waited for our appointment with Grarrg, the Tyrannian Battle Master, who promised to share some steaming piles of information about dung with us. Our patience paid off as he greeted us and took us on a jaunt to the nearby Tyrannian War Memorial and guided us to an out-of-commission dung catapult. He could barely hold in his excitement as we approached.

     Grarrg: Look at this beauty! This here is a classic Dung Catapult from the war era and solely responsible for driving off thousands of invaders.

     Reporter: Can you tell us how it works?

     Grarrg: Easy. You roll them out, and then you’ve got a guy who keeps watch over what is called the bowl of the catapult, where the ammo goes. He takes aim from there - when they’re in position he calls for his men to drop in the load and releases the restraining rope. The best thing about dung is the spread - you can get some solid pieces to knock your target right down, or you can hit a wide range and blind them.

     Reporter: So again we’re seeing the real versatility of dung as a material.

     Grarrg: Precisely. Tyrannians love it because it has so many uses.

     Reporter: How well would you say it worked as a deterrent for the enemies to invasion?

     Grarrg: Ha! Once we started implementing these on the field, they dropped to nothing. Humiliates AND punishes them with one swing. Add a good little taunt about having mud in there and you’re having a grand time.

     Reporter: Yikes, wouldn’t want that to be me. Let’s hope we never meet in the Battledome!

     Grarrg: I wouldn’t want to have to use my Battle Dung on you.

     We depart with jovial, if a little nervous, laughter as he returns to official business in Town Hall, kept busy with the goings-on of this bustling little city. We stay for a while at the memorial and imagine great piles of dung flying over our heads, crashing into the fields below and watching our enemies run. It is easy to summon the scent of dung and the sounds of disgust below as we stand there on the edge of the plateau, which now overlooks a pleasant Tyrannian neighbourhood, safe from the horrors of dung projectiles. All thanks to the work of the catapult and the innovative nature of those brave warriors.

     As we returned to the office with our new furniture, we stopped often to take in the fresh air and admire the scenery of this beautiful land. So many years ago, Tyrannians had begun the everlasting art of dung sculpting to house themselves from the unrelenting heat of the sun. When they needed protection from outsiders, dung was their best tool, yet again. Without dung, we would be severely lacking in both stylish furniture and the legendary concerts of Tyrannia. We would know nothing about the Giant Omelette, or never get to spin the Wheel of Monotony again. But the versatility of this one resource and the brilliant crafty nature of Tyrannians has brought so much into our lives that it is something to be thankful for. So the next time the Space Faerie is in a good mood and drops a Dung Painting into your lap, don’t think “eww.” Think of the wonders it took to create that work of art; be amazed at the shape it can take and hold. Think of the process, from beginning to end, and really digest the meaningfulness of it. We certainly do every time we use one of our dung pieces here.