This Month in the News

     The Month of Swimming boasts some of the most popular annual events in Neopia: the Comic Hero Convention (Comhecon) at the NeoLodge, this year from the 21st to 24th; the Meridell-Brightvale-Darigan Renaissance Faire, traditionally during the last week of the month; and, of course, the birthday of the NC Mall – which this year turned 15 – and its associated freebies. (We must remind you, though, that the Evil Fuzzles Virus is still circulating, so remember to take appropriate precautions should you wish to attend and participate in any of the festivities!)

     However, this past Month of Swimming has seen some of the largest dramas, conflicts, controversies, and absurdities yet during Y24. Read our summaries below to stay up to date with Neopian current events.

     1. Third Meridell-Darigan War

     The "Month of Relaxing" tends to be anything but – specifically due to the harried bustle that is the annual Altador Cup. Therefore, many use the Month of Swimming to unwind and ease post-Cup tensions and rivalries.

     Unfortunately, the drama regarding this year's podium placements have boiled into hot conflict. Celebrations to mark 20 years of the relative peace enjoyed between Meridell and Darigan Citadel, planned to run concurrently with the annual Renaissance Faire, have been cancelled along with the annual event.

     After Darigan Citadel literally clobbered over the Meridellian players and "fought their way to the top of the podium", Neopians from Meridell and around Neopia called for a return of the stolen Cup. King Skarl issued an ultimatum to Lord Darigan to immediately rescind the Citadel's victory and hand ownership of the trophy to Meridell.

     Darigan dismissed calls from his citizens that the Cup was undeserved. "The Altador Cup Committee ruled in favour of us," Darigan stated on record. "Meridell and others should take it up with THEM if there are discrepancies. The Cup is ours this year, and that's that."

     "I think Darigan largely had a point," said Mr. Aelyn, a Kyrii farmer from Meri Acres. "It should have been a war with the Altador Cup Committee – they were the real enemy for allowing this to happen in the first place. But the way Lord Darigan said it was just so... ergh, it gets my skin crawling." He shuddered in anger. "It seemed so self-absorbed, and almost taunting. Almost as though he was in on it, the whole time... Of course King Skarl declared war."

     Even King Hagan – traditionally a dove at odds with his more rash and less enlightened next-of-kin – feeling betrayed by Darigan's Altador Cup conquest, supported Meridell's escalation.

     "I don't think we average citizens wanted this war," said Mr. Rocky, a Darigan Pteri and one of the original organisers of the now cancelled peace celebrations. "Sure, us Altador Cup supporters weren't happy with what Team Darigan did, though we all would have preferred diplomacy with Meridell over this war. Still, now we're in this situation, and we may as well do what we can to survive it."

     Ms. Santavez is a former Meridell Knight higher-up who left the army due to her disagreements over the current war's justifications. "I was a Knight in the previous Meridell-Darigan war, where I swore an oath to defend Meridell and make things better for her citizens. But how are we any better from this conflict? There is going to be another extreme potato famine, lost HP, heartache... It seems largely a squabble between our leaders. And over something as insignificant as the Altador Cup!? How many average, especially lower-class citizens who simply do not care are going to be negatively impacted – or worse? Most of all, I'd conjecture. And still, I know some people who have called me a traitor for leaving the Knights at a time like this." The Lupe shook her head, clearly distressed.

     The Meridell and Brightvale Altador Cup teams could not be reached for comment. Layton Vickles from Team Darigan had this to say on the matter during an official press conference: "So what if Darigan won the cup and no one knows how. The Altador Cup Committee knows. And if Meridell wants to try and take it back – I say, let them try!" He laughed. "On or off the Yooyuball field, I'm ready for battle!" A small crowd of supporters and ardent fans cheered him on.

     Although most Neopian nations believe that Darigan's forces launched the first strike after their troops arrived at the outskirts of Meridell, Lord Darigan vehemently denies this as Meridellian propaganda.

     The war continues to rage, with few signs of stopping anytime soon.

     2. Altador Cup Protests and Rioting in Altador

     MD-DC III is only one theatre of a larger conflict rooted in this year's Altador Cup.

     Shortly after the results were announced, the nation of Altador was swarmed by protests in favour of Meridell and counter-protests supporting Darigan. The protests were largely peaceful, aside from some isolated incidents.

     "I did the math," calculated Mx. Zayla, a Kacheek cheering for Team Maraqua. "And there is no way Darigan should have won... except if by the Altador Cup Committee fudging numbers."

     Protestors then turned on the Altador Cup Committee, demanding answers regarding Darigan's dubious win and expressing dissatisfaction with the prize shop.

     "It was terrible," described Mr. Resoula, who worked as a cashier at the Altador Cup prize shop before recently quitting due to "mental health reasons". "All these Neopians, telling me how horrible things are with... everything about this year's Cup, really." The mutant Acara exhaled a deep sigh. "Like, I'm just [at the prize shop] to give you something for your points. I have no power! The Committee literally told us low-level staffers to essentially say to disgruntled customers, 'Well, we know you have some problems with the way things were run, but to make it up to you – have your selection of 3 stamps! And a new collectable card thing! And we're even going to make an unobtainable item from a prize shop 2 years ago into another of those special collectable cards!'" He shook his head. "Four album items? Like that makes things better!? Dear Fyora, [the Committee] is just so, so out of touch with everything. And don't get me started on them selling Thunder Sticks for only 3,500 points, or the Mutant Dress requiring All Star to get and there being practically no Mutant wearables as it is, or trying to pass off a Rainbow Paint Brush as a top tier prize." He angrily muttered something about never being able to afford the dress and then about rainbow capitalism.

     In response to the protests, and at the behest of the Altador Cup Committee, King Altador ordered his nation-state's standing army to arrest any protestor at will. Furthermore, the Altadorian Council rushed to pass a wide-reaching law that gives the Altador Cup Committee powers to ban anyone "found to be in a disagreeable position [with the Committee]" from participating in future Altador Cups.

     "The bans are why I joined the protests," admitted Ms. Enna, a Brightvale University senior law student originally from Kiko Lake; despite her admission of participation, she nevertheless insisted that none of her actions were illegal under Altador's Criminal Code. "There are no clear guidelines about what constitutes 'disagreement', i.e. the bans seem completely arbitrary. Not only that, the Altador Cup Committee doesn't even have to reveal WHEN a player is banned! So, players can't even appeal these decisions!" The Kiko seethed. "Even if they did offer a method to appeal, I'm sure it would amount to nothing more than some Blumaroo court."

     "Oh, the Altadorian Council is completely captured [by the Altador Cup Committee]," revealed one mid-level staff member in the Hall of Heroes, speaking under conditions of strict anonymity. "Cup tourism is [the nation of] Altador's biggest source of revenue – and the council members know it. They would do anything to keep those [redacted] on the Committee happy, especially at the expense of everyday citizens." When asked about the final podium results, they commented, "I don't think Lord Darigan told his team to 'play dirty', though I'm pretty sure he paid off the Committee to keep the results that way once the discrepancies came to light."

     Protestors, actively clashing with the army, turned to sacking Altador in the midst of these revelations. Much of the Colosseum has been destroyed – with rioters claiming this to be the only way to prevent another Altador Cup atrocity from happening in the future – and many of Altador's shops have been looted. In what was seen as an unpopular move even by those who sided against the Altadorian government, Caustic Yooyu Tears were dumped into the Altadorian Aqueduct, rendering the water supply undrinkable; the Altadorian Army Corps of Engineers' Chemical Engineering Division, headed by Mr. Alex the Aisha, have since restored clean drinking water.

     The Altadorian Council and the Altador Cup Committee are currently in talks with Mr. Archibald – better known as the Techo Fanatic – who has positioned himself as one of the foremost leaders amongst the rioters. "I just want a fair cup," he said, citing his motivations for participation when asked during an exclusive NeoVision+ interview. "Fair and clean. But the [Committee] has shown themselves to be massively corrupt, and it maaaakes meeeeee AAAAAAAAAAANGRYYYY!"

     In response, the Altador Cup Committee has agreed to release an official statement on the matter "Soon (TM)". Though the riots have recently stopped in expectation of the announcement, citizens in Altador and around the world are yet far from quelled.

     To rebuild Altador, King Altador has requested financial aid from other members in the Council of Neopian Nations and was recently approved for a 300 million Neopoint loan from the National Neopian Central Bank; "Specifically," the King started in his official statement, "to ensure the Colosseum gets built in time for the next games. Then we can focus on rebuilding the rest of the city."

     3. Hacking of the Sway

     In completely different news, it has recently been revealed that the Sway's main data collection and storage server has been maliciously breached. The server holds the secretive organisation's extensive database containing the sensitive and personal information of all Neopians – collected via contracts the Sway has with the Council of Neopian Nations, various shops throughout the lands, and the major industries across Neopia including telecom, power, big tech, big pharma, and social media. Server data also includes highly detailed information about Neopia and its inner workings.

     The alleged hacker, who goes by the pseudonym "TartarSauce", is selling this database, as well as information on how to continue to retrieve new information (provided the exploit and varying other "backdoors" are not fixed by the Sway), for "4 VirtuCoin, or 100 Neopian Fun Stamps (preferred)". It is unclear whether the hacker is a StampBro, but the rumour continues to persist. TartarSauce is seeking off-Neopia buyers, and has had a handful of offers from 'Pets from Alien worlds.

     At this time, it has not been confirmed whether National Neopian Bank Accounts are involved in this breach, though one independent analyst believes bank and Neopoint information to be processed via a third party rather than the Sway directly.

     We reached out to the Sway for comment, and were initially told, "Make sure you stop by The Sway's booth at Comhecon for some EXCLUSIVE clandestine Neopia-undercurrent-y swag!"

     "I'm incredibly scared," said one Neopian who wished to remain anonymous. "The hacker or the buyer could take away my Pet[pet], my Neopoints, my items... it's like that bad dream Random Event, but real! I just want communication and responsibility from the Sway, I don't think that's too much to ask for."

     "It's absolutely ludicrous," commented Ms. Ghertz, a Grundo spelunker from Terror Mountain, "that the Sway have this power – and that they seem to be completely incompetent at wielding it! War and protests literally wage over the Altador Cup results, but I think we all need to step back and see this as the biggest problem around Neopia right now and in the future."

     "Shut it down, shut it all down," cried Mr. Orbie, a Jubjub from Tyrannia who works backstage at the Concert Hall. "Pull the plug, pull all the plugs. Until the security holes are patched, disconnect Neopia from those servers. No shops, no games, no exploring, nothing – until the problems are fixed. Then bring it back, better than ever!" When asked what he would do with his free time, he pondered a while before saying that the Sway should at least keep Food Club betting operating to provide something to do.

     "Well, security is kind of my passion, and I knew about a Sway database exploit like this for months now," reported one Neopian who goes by the pseudonym "WhackyLeaks"; WhackyLeaks, who claimed to have access to secretive Sway files via unauthorised means, previously reported on major conspiracies relating to shopkeepers hoarding r100 items for themselves rather than stocking them, and on Mystery Pic insider trading. "I offered the Duchess knowledge about how to patch the problem in exchange for Neopoints, but was told there would be no offered bounties [rewards]." He shrugged. "So really, they had this coming. I don't think this current hacker uses my method of server access, though the Sway should have sought to fix all these security flaws while the problems were still relatively benign. [The Sway] as an organisation has never been very forward-thinking, putting in the minimum required resources required to do... anything and everything, honestly. These aren't uncommon exploits."

     "The way the Sway operates, I'm not even surprised... something like this was only a matter of time," sighed Mx. Shelley the Shoyru, a staff member of the Gelatinous Non-Cube P.O. fan club. "I just hope those StampFreaks won't use this as an excuse to motivate moving all of Neopia to the blockchain or some dung like that. Seriously."

     "Change any password similar to the ones you use when exploring Neopia," said Mx. Neemende, the security expert for the Neopia Central region of NeoSchools, "at least for off-Neopia activities outside the jurisdiction of the Sway." The Gnorbu grinned. "A password manager to auto-generate long, unique passwords can help! And once the Sway confirms their system is patched, it should be safe to change your within-Neopia passwords!"

     The Sway's legal team later released the following statement:

     TheSway has recently become aware that data from our underhanded surveillance and privacy practices may have been stolen. We immediately launched an investigation assisted by a leading forensics firm. We are also engaging the Chia Police and are working to enhance the protections for our systems and your data. We truly appreciate your patience and understanding at this time when many of you are instead panicking. Thank you.

     This news has not stopped some citizens – believing the Sway to be inept overlords – from attempting to pool 100 Neopian Fun Stamps to purchase control of Neopia in general.

     4. Thunder Sticks

     Perhaps the most bemusing controversy this past Month of Swimming was the release of a new top-tier Battledome weapon, Thunder Sticks, for "only" 3,500 Altador Cup prize shop points. Likened to the 450 million NP Moehog Skull in terms of raw power, the Thunder Sticks have caused quite an uproar across many sectors of Neopia.

     The sticks – which, when "banged together", summon "a tumultuous thunderstorm" even louder than Mr. Archibald's riots – do 16 icons of damage, blocks 100% of physical damage, and freezes an opponent for one round, once per battle.

     Queen Fyora and the Smugglers on Krawk Island have since launched separate investigations into the Altador Cup Committee and the release of the weapon through the prize shop, with both parties asserting they would have been better distributors of the Sticks.

     Generally, fan reaction to the Sticks and their accessible prize shop price point has been positive – except in the context that every other Altador Cup prize this year will be made scarcer as a result of Neopians preferring to buy the weapon.

     However, there has been some opposition. "Oh, they definitely require a nerf," opined Ms. Elisabeth, a self-described "Battledome expert" and pro-nerf movement leader from Geraptiku. When pressed as to reasons why, the Wocky commented, "Because they do." (It was later discovered through some investigative journalism that she has several billion Neopoints worth of Moehog Skulls held in her Safety Deposit Box.)

     "Don't nerf the Thunder Sticks!" shouted Ms. Skye, a Disco Hissi, at an anti-nerf rally in Neopia Central. "They're my sticks, OUR sticks, not the sticks of the Altador Cup Committee, and we CANNOT let them peel back our hard-earned right to own something so powerful!" There was applause from the crowds.

     Mx. Blaine, also at the rally, had an interesting idea: "I want to see sticks combinable with the Moehog Skull at the Cooking Pot. Gimme that sweet sugar-coloured skull with 31 icons, defence for physical and earth and dark, and that can freeze my opponent for TWO rounds!" The purple Uni hollered excitedly. "Now THAT'S the kind of thing I'd wear to the next rave!"

     "The only gripe I have with [the sticks] is that I could only afford one from the prize shop," stated Dr. Owen, a Brightvale University professor and NeoSchool instructor; she currently cheers for Brightvale, but plans to switch allegiance to Neopia Central after they formalise their rainbowy Yooyuball team. "For one, I don't have a lot of time to support my team, I work a full course load to make ends meet... I see now that I could have taken the Month of Relaxing off, Quad-All-Star'd, and I would have been better off, financially." The Pteri guffawed, though somewhat saltily. "Except – ignore the fact I would have been banned for 'suspicious behaviour' – I couldn't have done that even if I wanted to! The Altador Cup referees kept invalidating my scores for whatever reason. I still have nightmares about them yelling OOPS in my face." She took a deep breath and relaxed. "I'm anti-nerf, but somewhat annoyed over the popularity and current market price of these sticks, and the way they were distributed vis a vis the problems with the Cup this year."

     Thunder sticks currently sell for around 50 million Neopoints – except for rare cases; for example, Mr. Tsundere – a Scorchio land developer from Kreludor – in a crazy PR stunt decided to give a pair of sticks away by random draw if he could reach 1000 Trading Post offers. Nevertheless, many economists believe the Thunder Sticks to be overhyped and overinflated – due to the global inflation caused by MD-DC III and possible hoarding by the secretive and lucrative "1%er Trading Dept." (originally affiliated with Xandra and now a subsidiary of Sloth-Sway Enterprises), but also simply by the weapon's fans.

     "I've written two short stories, three sonnets, four haikus, and a love song about these things," proudly explained Mr. Makis, a Blue Draik from Meridell who has become the face of the Thunder Sticks counter-culture movement; his videos have thousands of hearts on TikiHead. He shrugged and chuckled sheepishly. "I just like the Battledome and love the Sticks, OK? If that hypes up their costs, so what?" When asked if he would share some of his most recent work, he picked up and strummed an electric guitar and sang in a blazing falsetto, "Those Thunder Sticks are magical, powerful, and excellent! Elisabeth can suck my sticks 'cause she ain't even relevant!"

     AAA (@AAAgamestudioz) has published a mobile match 3 game called "Thunder Sticks' Hope", in which the player helps a pair of Thunder Sticks overcome obstacles and return home. As a further nod to their cultural impact and the perceived high class of owning such an elite weapon, many (especially younger) Neopians – self-described "#GentleStickers" on varying social media platforms – have taken to battling with their Thunder Sticks whilst wearing only extremely fancy clothing.

     Despite some of the Thunder Sticks' shortcomings, Ms. Sixi – an economist and representative of Moltara in the Economic Development Wing within the Council of Neopian Nations – has recently drafted a bill proposing that Neopian nations adopt Thunder Sticks as a new "gold standard". "Unlike the seemingly infinitely-generable Neopoint or even the Baby Paint Brush, considering Fyora's huge supply of them," the steampunk fire faerie detailed as part of her 25-minute presentation to the Wing, "these Thunder Sticks will have a fixed supply." (Indeed, there are just over 800 purchased from the prize shop, according to WhackyLeaks's most recent data gathering from the Sway servers.) "They can be traded and exchanged for goods and services without the sorts of inflation we see with our current systems."

     Unfortunately for Ms. Sixi, many analysts went on to declare her a nutter. More traction was achieved by Mr. Freddiee – an Asparagus Chia who thought the common people could band together, sell their Thunder Sticks en masse, convert their proceeds to NFSs, and subsequently buy the access to the Sway database and concomitant control of Neopia.

     The Thunder Sticks have their lovers and their haters. The question of whether they will be nerfed has been transcended by philosophical musings on how the Thunder Sticks will continue to shape not just the Battledome, but Neopian culture, economics, and society at large.

     5. Secret Pet Attributes Revealed

     The leaking of the Sway's database revealed some interesting patterns about the stored records of all Neopians. We consulted Dr. Liam, the head of R&D aboard the Virtupets Space Station, for his insights.

     "You know, there's the big ones – a pet's name, where they're from, when they were created... But some of the bigger, more interesting ones..." the Usul trailed as he loaded on his monitor some images from TartarSauce's Dark-Geraptiku on-line ad. "Well, a pet's name is actually the primary key for the database – an incredibly antiquated practice showing how the database schema has probably been roughly the same since Year 1, but nevertheless, the reason why a pet really can't change its name after it's created. So, next time you ask and are told you can't change your name and want to know why... well, there's why." He looked through more of the screenshotted code. "The gender field is 6 characters long, meaning any pet should be able to declare their gender as anything so long as it's 6 letters or less. Let's see... some various flag fields, not sure what those are for. Oh, and all Neopians also have a 4-integer charisma stat."

     "It's particularly interesting to me that I can, in theory, list my gender as anything that is 6 characters or less," stated Mr. Timythi, a Vandagyre coder from Neopia Central. "I mean it only nominally helps me--" (they later clarified they identified as transfem demiboy) "--though, I know a few enbys who would be much happier to be listed as that, rather than 'other'... You know, if the Sway actually allows that sort of change in the future. It's interesting that the infrastructure is present in the database, though."

     "I want to know more about these flags," started Ms. Jubbie, a Ruki from Warf Wharf who volunteers at Little Nippers. "Specifically, whether they are a wearable or a NeoHome item."

     Many Neopians were highly intrigued by the hitherto largely unknown charisma stat.

     "I mean, I've always thought I had high charisma," conjectured Mr. McWigen, a Pteri from Brightvale who was scheduled to entertain at the Meridell-Brightvale-Darigan Renaissance Faire this year before it was cancelled due to the war. "But that was back before I knew it was actually being monitored." He nervously preened his wing. "Now... now I wonder how I compare to others. I mean, I know there are others more charismatic than I am. But how much MORE charismatic? Where do I rank?"

     "Oh, I definitely rank higher than McWigen," commented Mx. Eberlie with a dismissive wave of their paw; Mx. Eberlie, a Lutari from Faerieland who since made Meridell home, is the leader of the Medieval Performance Troupe in which Mr. McWigen and a handful of other entertainers are part. "And it's just getting higher all the time! Edna has started giving out quests that increase one's charisma stat, and I've been going every day!"

     Edna was later caught saying to her Korbat apprentice that her special Charisma Quests were a sham to get Neopians to bring her more items. She has since returned to her normal quests with only minimal loss of credibility.

     Cap'n Threelegs and the Techo Master have both introduced Charisma stat training into their regular training school regimens. "Surrre, we donknow yet what charisma be fer," started Cap'n Threelegs at the press conference, "but that shouldn' stop pets from trainin' 'er!"

     "Indeed," continued the Techo Master. "Pets may train momentum, an entirely useless stat; really, what's the difference, here?"

     In a general response to the others, Chadley – rated Most Charming Neopian for 9 years running in the Neopian Times's official poll on the matter – opened a new school and purchased a full-page ad in the comics section of the latest Neopian Times:

     Panel 1: Chadley proudly flashes his award-winning grin; Techo Master and Cap'n Threelegs are in the distance.

     Panel 2: Chadley approaches the Techo Master and Cap'n Threelegs, who are in a battle to see who is more charismatic; "I'm more charismatic," says Techo Master, "No, me!" says Cap'n Threelegs.

     Panel 3: Techo Master and Cap'n Threelegs see Chadley approach; they both stop fighting and their eyes glitter with excitement.

     Panel 4: Techo Master and Cap'n Threelegs ask for Chadley's autograph; Chadley says, "Don't trust the other guys, you can't learn to be charismatic in some physical training school. Only at ChadU will you learn the secrets to unlock your inner Charisma!"

     Panel 5: Contact information for ChadU.

     Cap'n Threelegs and the Techo Master have since sued Chadley for libel and infringement of their copyrighted personas.

     Nevertheless, Chadley boasts to have some impressive clientele enrolled for the school's first session, including showbiz superstar Ellsworth, famed author Piel Cazari, artefact thief Hanso, and recovering actor Lyle the Kacheek.

     However, a small but growing number of Neopians believe that charisma has only to do with how many Lutari Island beads a 'pet has collected.

     "It would make some sense," stated Dr. Liam. "It's a 4-integer field, and there are four colours of beads – originally designed to increase luck in the Battledome, for quests, during games, and when restocking. Though, I doubt the beads serve a practical purpose in modern Neopia... I also doubt the Sway even finished tying the charisma stat to anything."

     Despite evidence for the Lutari Island theory, many Neopians declare this to be false simply because they wish to dream bigger and believe otherwise.

     6. NC Mall News

     No article about the happenings in Neopia would be complete without reporting on new developments from the NC Mall.

     Unfortunately, this article will remain incomplete. For all your NC Mall news and latest styles, please refer to one of the many other articles that go into great depth on this always chiefly important area in Neopian society.

     ***

     Knowledge of current events is the first step to affecting positive societal changes – it's why we provide these summaries of the world's biggest news. Whether it's war, riots, breaches, Comhecon, or Thunder Sticks, there is always something happening in Neopia, and always something that can be done. As life continues to change, Neopians must always adapt and move forward. "Why is this happening and when will this all end?" is a question on many Neopians' minds – albeit, in different contexts.

     We can only hope the Month of Hiding is more relaxing, if not necessarily less eventful so to keep Neopia interesting.

     Here's waiting for you, next beta update.