Pyramids All The Way Down

     Theodaxx was patriotic, desirous to serve the great Alien Aisha Empire, but the private and public organizations he had applied to soundly rejected him. This was because the economy was doing quite well, and not many jobs had to be done. Just as well. He simply applied to every single job in existence, triggering a long-dormant software bug that caused power outages throughout the empire.

     To get rid of him, the Department of Alien Relations took the hire. His experience with chaos and half-sighted plans made him the perfect ambassador for a little planet named "Neopia," a place so primitive, it did not even have a planetary government. It did, however, have a space station orbiting it. That space station, Virtupets, had no more office space, and so redirected Theodaxx to an ancient Alien Aisha listening post.

     On Neopia there was a rather large desert called the "Lost Desert." It had earned its name presumably due to the fact that the desert was hard to see in between all the pyramids erected in it. Its inhabitants were obsessed with that shape. They had built quite a variety of pyramids to serve as tombs and prisons for kings, queens, earls, dukes, viziers, sultans, whoever ruled at the time.

     And it wasn't just tombs--the locals organized their lives around a variety of different pyramids. Their interpersonal relations followed a map called a "social pyramid," they ate according to the guidance of a "food pyramid," and they even created a game where they would spell words by tumbling mini-pyramids down a much larger pyramid.

     In an effort to connect with the local populace, the listening post had also been constructed in the shape of a pyramid. Certainly there were less of them back then, because its location now held many, many pyramids.

     Mostly, the ones he did inspect hid mummies and their belongings. Some of them had quite a bit of modern construction around them, in the hopes that they would become hot spots for tourism. Others were fake tombs filled with traps, like the saw that almost cut all six of his ears clean off.

     Theodaxx took a break to make a call to a therapist about his new pyramid-related trauma. As he was listening to the hold music, he slammed his head on... something. He slowly stuck out his arms and felt around the perimeter of the object to discover that there was, in fact, an invisible pyramid here.

     It was a small size, perfect for an office space. When he knocked on the structure, it made a pleasant metallic noise, like a wind-chime, the sound of the empire's finest alloy. He went around the pyramid until he could feel the protuberances of a keypad. Their wires were ripped apart, dangling, barely a shimmer in the harsh sun.

     Theodaxx rammed himself into the crumbling entrance. The thick metal sheet gave way to a dim, spacious chrome chamber with centuries-old instruments still flickering in reds and greens. It smelled faintly of tea stains on parchment, and at the very center there was a round table with four individuals sitting nearby.

     They all took a sip from their cups, eyes narrowed to protect against the sudden flow of light into the room. A silence hung between them. Theodaxx examined their strange frock coats and puffed sleeves.

     Were they locals to this desert, this planet, even? "Who are you?" he demanded.

     "We will ask the same question," said the leader. The Lenny rose from their seat. Their overlarge top hat almost grazed the ceiling.

     "I am Theodaxx, emissary of the Alien Aisha Empire to Neopia! This place is property of and subject to our laws!"

     "That's too bad..." Another attendant, a Tonu whose cartoonishly long shoulder pads made him look as wide as the Lenny was tall. "You are playing a very dangerous game, alien."

     "You have much to learn," said the third, still encased in shadow.

     "We are the true rulers of Neopia," the fourth spoke, and blistering wisps of magic danced around them. "We are the Sway."

     The others repeated the last sentence:

     "We are the Sway."

     "We are the Sway."

     "We are the Sway."

     Their voice had a sing-song, hypnotic quality to it. The four individuals looked at Theodaxx expectedly. Making it out to be some strange, local ritual, Theodaxx repeated: "We are the Sway?"

     "Precisely, my friend. And it will be to your advantage to deal with us, so sit down and have some tea."

     They were trying to brainwash him. Theodaxx nodded along, forcing tears into his eyes to give them a glazed look. "Precisely. It will be to my advantage to deal with us, so I will sit down and have some tea."

     He slowly made his way to the table and took note of the trespassers' faces. The other two, which he didn't see quite well, were an Aisha--the strange, 4-eared Neopian variant--and a Spotted Gelert. The latter poured him a cup of tea. It smelled very bland, not like the raw beef-infused tea he was used to.

     The Gelert smiled. "Drink, my friend."

     "Drink..." Theodaxx trailed off. This was definitely poisoned, right? The steam reaching his nose was hot, but not scorchingly so. He would have to target the least-protected member of the group if he were to escape. The cowled ones were a non-starter, which left the very strong Tonu--and the comparatively frail Lenny right next to him.

     With a quick, spastic movement, he "spilled" the tea on the Lenny's unshielded feet. His companions reflexively turned their attention to the screaming. Theodaxx rushed as hard could to the exit in that moment.

     "You will pay for this, ingrate!" a voice boomed from the listening-post-now-cult-center as he ran back into the desert. He suppressed the urge to yell back. Whoever these "Sway" were, it was unwise to antagonize them any further.

     Theodaxx thought about going back to the mothership to collect some more intelligence, but the answer to any of his questions about Neopia lay here, in this desert. The spirits must have had some idea about these people. It couldn't hurt to ask politely. Ghosts had already been through life and realised that passing on was no big deal, so they must have had no reason to be bothered.

     He was right. The first spirit he encountered belonged to a king so old time had whittled away his identity, so old that he "lived" in a cube, not a pyramid; they exchanged greetings quite cordially. The king, having not spoken to anybody in over 4000 years, talked his ears off. Theodaxx did not understand most of it, but he nodded along when the spirit smiled and shook his head vigorously in disapproval when he seemed angry.

     At some point, the formless spirit asked where he was from. Theodaxx explained he was from outer space. The spirit, having never seen Neopia beyond the desert, was surprised that the sun and moon were not disks that slowly rotated around his kingdom. If he didn't know this, then he certainly did not know what the Sway were.

     Theodaxx moved onto the next spirit. He could actually see enough of her mortal form to at least distinguish her species. She was an Acara with a haughty voice and a very stylish mole on her left cheek. The Queen of Dunes, as she introduced herself, recognized his people: "You are an alien, from the stars."

     "That is correct."

     "What does one who has walked across the sky and manipulated the suns want with me?"

     He described the trespassers. "Oh," said the Queen of Dunes, "are you not so powerful as to smite them?"

     "I do have my disintegrator," replied Theodaxx, unholstering his hot pink blaster. "I prefer not to use it."

     "It seems much has changed about your kind. I do not know of the 'Sway,' but I have heard of them. One of the youngest ones has mentioned their organization. I believe his name is Razul. You will find him at the conspicuously orange pyramid, about a hashiony to the east."

     A "hashiony" measured about 6 miles, and the young alien headed toward the place. At first, he did not find the description of a "conspicuously orange pyramid" to be helpful. Many pyramids were various shades of yellow and brown, and some of them dipped into orange. But there was one made entirely of oxidized sandstone.

     You could probably see it from orbit, if you knew what to look for. Theodaxx knocked on a door made of marble and lapis lazuli.

     The door flew past his face. Some... entity had answered it instantly and violently. He didn't look like a Neopian; indeed, he seemed to be a skull glued with fire to a high-collared floating cloak. "What is it?" he croaked.

     "I'm looking for someone named 'Razul.'"

     "You're looking at him."

     "Ah, I'm sorry to trouble you." He imagined that Razul had previously been putting cucumbers in his eye-sockets, probably in preparation for a spa day. "Do you know of a group known as the Sway?"

     Razul narrowed his eyes--somehow. "Why do you ask?"

     Theodaxx explained his situation.

     "In that case, I know who they are. I used to be one of them, you know. Believed in world conquest. But they--THE SWAY--seemed to be more interested in 'subtly manipulating' people instead of taking action. I grew impatient and paid the price." Razul gestured at his visage. "So I settled for a little kingdom called Qasala--"

     "It still exists, does it not? I grabbed some Cucumber Tea on the way here." Of course, the locals didn't have the sense to salt it.

     "Yes, my son rules it."

     Theodaxx considered the stone from which this pyramid was built. It certainly didn't look young enough to be less than a century old. "Your son? Is not the ruler of Qasala quite young?"

     Razul flicked his wrist dismissively. "Time stasis."

     There was an entire story behind that wrist flick, one that could fill up fifteen chapters of comics. As told from Razul's perspective, his son stayed in his room all day, wasting time on his "doctoral thesis." He tried to make his son more interesting by having him take up a career, or at least a hobby. This failed miserably.

     Razul plunged Qasala into a time bubble that could only be broken if his son, Jazan, would stop lounging around and get a spouse. Of course, it couldn't be that simple; otherwise, Jazan would see through the ruse. Instead, he pretended that he had struck Qasala with a very, very ancient curse from time immemorial. His son would have to marry a princess of Sakhamet--or else the Qasalans would suffer forever.

     It didn't turn out as smoothly as he had hoped, but at least Jazan was happily married. Yes, a few lives, including his own, were lost along the way. So what?

     "As with everything, my son is a little slow on that part too," he said, voice echoing inside his skull. "It's been many years since he married that street urchin, but he has not even come to visit me! After all I have done for him! That insolent swine!"

     "You could always visit him."

     "Yes, what a marvelous idea, I haven't thought of it before," replied Razul mockingly. "Do you not see how my spirit is caged? I cannot exist outside the confines of this pyramid. Spell after spell, and it is the same conclusion: I need outside help--I need--wait... you, Aisha!"

     "My name is Theodaxx."

     "Yes, yes, Theodore. Listen. I only require that you take a piece of this building and carry it to Qasala. In exchange, I shall... what does your kind even want?"

     "I initially came to ask about the Sway."

     "The Sway! Bah! Surely you'd like a better prize than that."

     Theodaxx shrugged. "They are squatting in my office. I'd like to get rid of them."

     Razul's jaw morphed into a shark-like grin. "Non-lethally."

     "You're no fun, but if that's what you want"--Razul took his hand and shook it vigorously--"we have a deal!"

To be continued…