Cap'n Crawlkilinklidebak's Gadgadsbogen Costume Awards by noremac9 |  |
MYSTERY ISLAND - YAAARR! I be yer host t'day, Cap'n Crawlkilinklidebak
the Kyrii! Sure, I might be a bit blubbered 'round the waist, but don't be getting'
me wrong, I used to be a fearless contender to anyone foolish enough to cross
me! Aye, I used to be a fearless 'n' salty hound, taking out all who dar-- er,
I be sorry, I got on a bit of a tangent 'bout the good ol' days! HAR! HAR!
For what I really be here to tell ye' 'bout be's the festival, Gadgadsbogen!
See, I be livin' on this 'ere Island for many a-year! And ye' see, I be's looking
for job after me pillagin' days be over, and they needed somebody to judge this
ol' comp'! Well, I be a good con man, so I tricked 'em into thinkin' I be the
best judge ever! Well, I be judgin' this ol' comp' ever since, and I really
turned out to be the best judge around. Who woulda' thought it? Every year I
judge the costumes, and me reviews sell like MAD! HAR! HAR! I decided
to put this year's review in this ol' Times, and so 'ere it be, the top five
Gadgadsbogen-fruit-dressing-pets!
Ah yes, two things while me old addlebrained head can still remember it! Me
'criteria' for judgin' be the following: Originality, Bribery, Family, Difficulty,
and Chaos. Now, some pets go sayin' I got odd criteria! Well, maybe me do, but
what can I say, that's how I judge. The winners are all judged on those criteria,
and it'll never be any different. So shut yer traps, scally-wags!
Secondly, some urchin's been sending me letters saying me accent is cliche!
Now, I don't know what that be, but from my memory it's either something like
knitting, or a game where you hit a ball through hoops with a mallet. Either
way, me accent has nothing to do with 'em, and I think ye' need to rethink yer
argument, smarty-pants!
FIVE!
Pascellit the Pteri; aye, she be one who be knowin' how to make a costume!
This year she gave her fans a hint of what she'd be a-makin', and she said it
would blow our ever-lovin' minds! Aye, by the fattest Pawkeet she's outdone
herself this year! She be dressed as a Lemaniac, made o' GOLD LEAFED balsa wood!
To me knowledge-- and I've been doing this for a while-- that's the FIRST time
a contestant be leafing their costume with real, genuine, gorgeous, shining,
glimmering, valuable, bea-- er, sorry again, me pillagin' days be coming back
to me there for a second. Anyway, I be's speakin' a-Mrs. Pascellit! Her costume,
'sides it being leafed, be one o' the best she's ever done. As ye' know, Lemaniacs
be havin' long, ER, danglin' things coming out the bottom. Most contestants
wouldn't even THINK about doing it, much less go through with it. Well, she
did, and it was a good thing, too! Yea', she did a-very good this year... Onto
number four!
FOUR!
J. Derfla Korfurp, cousin to ol' Alstaf, is a fine Poogle and good with costumes
to boot. This year he dressed as a rotting Zenana, and boy does 'e win in the
'riginality department! Y'see, he got a bunch o' scent-emitting contraption-jiggers,
and made his costume really smell like a rotten piece of fruit! Why, it was
so bad, it reminded me of me old pirating days, when the Plathydons used to
use the... ER, on the deck. HAR! HAR! Not only that, but he wrote a bit
o' poetry to go with it...
Rotting, stinking, rejected fruit, Ugly, grotesque, and inedible to boot.
"No one wants me!" the Zenana cries, So come eat it, open your eyes.
Now, maybe it's just silly ol' me, but that there poetry ain't makin' a lick
o' sense! How could openin' yer eyes help ya' eat? Sounds like he needs a lesson
in anatomy. Nevertheless, nobody's ever made anything that smelled, good or
bad, and nobody's ever written horrible poetry to go with their costume, so
he gets number four fer originality! Three's a-next.
THREE!
Miss Elfando, a beautiful, intelligent, kind Kacheek holds third place this
time 'round. Why, she's one o' the best costume makers in town, but this year
she didn't make one! Nevertheless, she gave me forty Dubloons to give her third
place, and being the kind gent' I am, I was forced to accept. But honestly,
it had nothing to do with that little incident, she really is kind. And, erm...
I thought she... ER, the reason, I'm looking for the, the... eh... DESERVED
to win the LIFETIME-ACHIEVEMENT AWARD! Yea', there be the reason. And since
I still haven't found a way to, erm... write it up, I decided to give her third
place! Yes, yes, it had nothing to do with the Dubloons, she really DOES deserve
it. Everybody give a big ol' hand to Miss Elfando, the first winner o' the LIFETIME-ACHIEVEMENT
AWARD! Now to number two...
TWO!
This year, number two goes to me very own Nephew, Milmaggen the Meerca! Yep,
that's right, good ol' Milly got second place for his fully electrically operating
Starberry costume! He tried to wire all these here little jiggers into the stars
on the outside o' the costume, and he was a-hopin' to make it light 'em up!
Too bad the poor urchin gone an' done electrocuted himself a bit with a low
voltage charge! HAR! HAR! Yea', he did a bit of a lousy job wiring up
his costume, and that made his hair stand on end and his ears twitch with stimulation!
Then, since it kinda' be hurtin', he ran into the beach to put out the small
fire starting in his costume. Luckily, he survived with minor injuries, though
he fell off a cliff to get into the water, instead of walking from the beach.
Nevertheless, let's give a big hand for Milly, my nephew, and second place winner!
Now here comes the big 'un, folks...
ONE! AYE, THE TOPPIN', WINNIN', FRUITIEST COSTUME! YARRRRR!
And now, what ye' all been a-waitin' fer: NUMBER ONE! Mister Pangodataroo
the Blumaroo, winner o' this year's comp', had one o' the ABS'LUTE best costumes
EVER! Not only that, but the results of his costume were quite admirable. He
dressed as a Ripe Bomberry, and he's got all these 'ere fireworks strapped to
him, y'see? Then, right in the middle of the festivities, he fires 'em, y'see?
And you be guessin' what happened? Well, his ol' fireworks went a-flyin' in
every direction, and soon enough half the town was a-blazin'! HAR! HAR!
There was flames sky-high in every direction, pets screaming, and havoc all
about! It brings a tear to my eye just thinking o' how great a pirate that laddie
would've made, burnin' the whole town by accident and all. Trouble was that
he was arrested by the Pango-Police for "Hazardous and Illegal Flame Usage."
WHAT IN KRAWK'S NAME BE THAT? O' course it be hazardous, but that's no reason
to throw a poor 'roo in jail! Why, back in my day, we would've simply been flogged,
put in the stock, and deemed a public enemy, none o' this jail stuff! Course,
jail was fer when ye' get caught doing some other... Anyway, the point be that
Mister Pangodataroo is the clear winner, paws, claws, hands, flippers, etc.
down! During visiting hours, go give 'em a pat on the back!
LOSER O' THE YEAR! YARR!
Every year there's some loser, some crazy ol' freak who be stunnin' us all
with their stupidity. Well, this year it happened to be Michael the Shoyru,
who successfully awed us all with his blunder of a costume. As is to be expected
o' the loser of the year, he was a tourist to boot! And he dressed as an UMMAGINE!
What kinda' scurvy ol' loon would dress as a fruit from the LOST DESERT when
it's a fruit celebratin' MYSTERY ISLAND fruit! That unpatriotic lil' bugger's
been handed over to Mumbo Pango though, and we all know how he deals with such
folk... anyone 'member that game with the staff awhile back? HAR! HAR!
We won't be hearin' from him anytime soon! Oh, and to those curious, his close
o' kin have been notified... hehe...
Well, it all be good and done. Hopefully, everybody be happy with me choices,
and no one will come knockin' on me door with an Attack Fork... last year comes
to mind... and good luck to all ye' entering next years comp'! Until then, I
bid ye' farewell!
Signed, Cap'n Crawlkilinklidebak the Kyrii
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