Don't Point Fingers Just Yet! by chaos_shadow14 |  |
Untitled Document
CITADEL OF DARIGAN - Hello, everybody, and welcome to another wonderful article
by me, chaos_shadow14, a semi-new NT reporter. If you missed my first article,
way back in Week 77, The Great Mysteries of Meridell, then I would yell at you
to go read it and make me fell good, but I'll refrain. Besides, can you really
yell through a computer?
Anyway, I was hoping to be a bit of a war reporter, as it were, and whenever
big ol' conflicts decide to break out of nowhere just to provide the Battledome
with some serious action - that place was just made for war - then I'm gonna
be there, looking down at all of you that are trying desperately to get into
the action and laughing from by perch high above you, getting destroyed by the
Chia Clown... None of you saw that part. None of you.
All nonsense aside - no, wait, who wants that? I'll continue with my stupid
babbling - I'm certain that all of you have seen the newest addition to the
plot, involving Darigan and the Orb and him obliterating Meridell and many bad
sound effects along with it. Am I right? You haven't? Well, aren't you behind
the times, and I don't mean this paper!
Going back to my story; you have no idea how annoying it is to have been a
supporter for the Darigan Army, then right an article about it, then get a couple
of Neomails from annoyed Meridell supporters who blame the whole mess on you
and... Some other people. Well, actually, I think that you probably could imagine
that, but let's not go into it. I figure that if anybody remembers my article
from a month or so ago, then remembers that I fought for Darigan, they might,
for whatever odd reason, run after me with flaming pitchforks and torches screaming
something about Darigan and falling and fish ice cream... Or at least about
Darigan and fish ice cream.
Well, I suppose that I should now proudly present to you my next set of theories
upon seeing this latest bit of information. I bet you're all so happy to see
that, aren't you? Ah, well, whether you are or not, you clicked on this article,
so you need to read it! Now, then... The newest list of (stupid) theories!
Theory I: The Evil Dude
It's something I bet many a rabid Meridell supporters are having go through
their minds right now; You stupid Darigan people! You thought you were fighting
for the good guy, but now you know that we were right! You all fought for the
evil guy that'll destroy us all! Take that!
If you or any of the people you know happen to take this position, please
stand up now. Are you all standing? Good. Ladies and gentleman, I believe you
all jump to conclusions! Give 'em a round of applause for being so sporting!
All right, now sit down; it's annoying to have to bend over your computer screen
to read.
However, let's take this idea and run with it; that's why this section is
called the Evil Dude theory.
Here's the scenario for all of you; I'll be happily poking holes in it when
I'm done. Let us assume that, even before the Orb was stolen, Lord Darigan,
despite looking like a benevolent, priestly Korbat, was actually a raving madman
who was ready at any moment to spring and use the divine powers granted by his
wonderful glowing example of somebody doing geometry homework and obliterate
something random... Like, say, the nearest kingdom. Which may have been Meridell,
which may have not; heck, we don't know what's around the place in these times
- the only thing I know of is that Twig. But we'll assume it's Meridell, just
for clarity's sake. Now where did Clarity go off to... Yoo-hoo, Clarity...
Now, Darigan's got this big, massive plan to use the Orb of Geometric Equations
and obliterate Meridell for no readily apparent reason - maybe he wanted vengeance
on the Twig, I dunno - and was preparing to take action at any time when the
Knights of the Round Tab... Er... The Knights of Meridell, yeah... Came up and
stole/took/whatever the Orb before he could initiate his horrible plan of doom.
And thus Draconia decayed, and his vengeance was fully unleashed when he got
the Orb back.
Now for the fun part; poking holes into it!
Logic Factor: All bad guys have a motive, something that spurs them
to be evil and whatnot. However, using the above scenario, Lord Darigan was
just plain insane. All other Neopian villains have their own ideas; Dr. Sloth
is seeking vengeance upon Neopets for being scared out of his wits by the forming
of a Shoyru (and for being so many times, and for having a game called Whack
a Sloth, and...). The Ghost Lupe - who isn't really a villain but is in the
Gallery of Evil anyway - was killed; I think doing just about anything can be
justified for that. Hubrid Nox... Um... Maybe he wants revenge for being the
shortest guy in the book, I dunno... But, as I said, this part of the theory
just doesn't hold water. 2/10 just because people may well be insane enough
to actually do this.
Cliché Factor: We all know that this happens a lot. And there
are virtually little to no real clichés in the above idea. I mean, yeah,
okay, we got a guy that wants to destroy a nearby kingdom for no reason, and
all right, that happens a lot, but it's never effective, and a back story is
always given for any sort of queer actions like this. I really can't say that
it works out, for although it is a cliché, it's a hopelessly bad one.
3/10, if only because I've actually seen this before.
Sanity Factor: This may at first glance sound like the Logic Factor,
but let me assure you of the difference. The above idea is strange. It's downright
odd. And obviously it must have been thought up by somebody who was slightly
wrong in the head, but just slightly. Then again, considering that I was the
one who suggested it, it must be from somebody pretty wrong in the head, but
let's not get into that. As far as sanity goes, it just doesn't make the cut;
and just so you know, the higher this rating, the less I think it'll happen.
5/10, for being believable, but still a little whacked. I mean, come on; everybody
knows that the Neopets Team does something better than such black and white
terms, even if it's a really smudgy looking gray....
Probability Rating: The likelihood of this happening according to my
own, professional opinion. And I happen to be a professional bean counter, thank
you very much! I give the theory a 3/10; it's possible that it could happen,
but seems pretty last resort.
Theory II: Revenge... REVENGE...
This one may sound a little more plausible right off the bat, and it's a lot
simpler to explain since all of you should know what it all means. At least,
I hope you all do, because if you really haven't been following the plot lately...
*shakes head*
It's this easy; Lord Darigan is really ticked off with Meridell for having
stolen the Orb in the first place, and wants to wreak horrible DOOM upon their
filthy, DOOMED heads out of simple vengeance and spite. Yes, it's that easy;
I told you it was elementary. No, I don't mean the school level. Let's poke
holes in it now.
Logic Factor: Okay, Darigan now has a reason for being an insane dude
and wanting to destroy all in his path. After all, I think most of us out there
would be pretty angry as well if you suddenly found a bunch of knights in overly
shiny armor come marching up to you and steal/take/whatever your most precious
artifact. Heck, I'd want revenge for being turned into cool/weird/cute mutants...
Yes, I think some of the mutants are cute. How can you say 'no' to a little
Draconian Moehog? 7/10 for actually making mild sense; but remember, a 70 isn't
gonna let you get out of your parents wrath that easily.
Cliché Factor: You've all seen it; I know you have. People want
revenge for things all the time; this or that guy trails this or that other
guy to seek vengeance for the murder of his father, somebody else wants revenge
for the destruction of their homeland/town/city/base/feather duster, somebody
else wants revenge for some guy leaving the sink water running and racking up
a horrible water bill. So the vengeance story is quite overused, although it
usually has something a little deeper backing it up. Ah, well; it makes sense.
7/10, again, for being logical as well as clichéd.
Sanity Factor: Strangely, this one is hardly insane. I mean, you know,
it does make sense. Which is really strange, considering that I thought it up.
Go figure. 2/10.
Probability Rating: There's a decent chance that this one would be
feasible. However, there are several loose ends that just don't support it fully,
although who ever goes for full support these days anyhow? 7/10 all across the
board where it really counts! Neat!
Theory III: Possession's Creepy...
I believe I said this once, but if I didn't, I'll say it now; the Orb is a
bad thing. Not only does it seem to bring ill and suffering to whatever land
it leaves, as well as make the inhabitants crave an insatiable desire to get
it back into their hands/paws/fins/fangs/what have you, but it continuously
reminds you that you really need to finish your math homework. Speaking of which...
*whistles a bit and scrawls down a couple of equations*
Now, here's where this theory comes in. Upon any land taking possession of
the Orb, they immediately feel attached to it. Draconians kept it on a sacred
pedestal in the middle of their town, while Meridell kept it locked away. However,
each of them looks quite possessive over it; Lord Darigan wouldn't simply forget
about the thing, and King Skarl referred to it, rather forcefully, as HIS Orb.
He sounds as possessive of that little geometry tool as I am of my sketchbook...
But I digress.
So said, it seems to install a need in the inhabitants it comes nearest to,
and I have little doubt that Meridell will begin demanding it back from the
Draconians before long. Sounds easy, right? Well, this is where things get a
bit complicated now...
You all recall Lord Darigan's reaction; he looked at the Orb and demanded
of it where the prosperity its grand, golden, geometry-laced surface had promised.
(All right, I admit it, the geometry joke is getting old, I'll stop now). He
wished to know why his people still suffered from disease, why they still starved,
why nothing had been done. And then, a strange transformation takes place...
He become THE INCREDIBLE HULK!... Sorry, couldn't help it. He looks into the
Orb - really looks into the Orb - and then suddenly shoves the welfare of his
people aside, instead choosing to chant about the Orb being so pretty... So
pretty...
He immediately goes to the window and commences to set fire to the battered
remnants of Meridell... With such a miraculous item, there is no need for an
army! No need for people! He can simply take over the world himself! Gah hahahahahaha...
Okay, I'll stop. I'm creeping you people out now, aren't I?
What of it? How do I know he's not simply insane, like in the first theory,
or really bent on vengeance, like the second? I'll tell you why in the form
of a question; every read The Hobbit? Lord of the Rings? Yeah? Well, you'll
recall The Ring then, won't you, and how it took a power over all who wore it.
The Orb seems to be acting like The Ring in this case, taking a mild possession
of them and filling their mind with thoughts of greed, devastation, and Half-Price
days at the Book Store. Apparently, the Orb in and of itself is the true evil
that we have all known to be out there... Somewhere... In the stars.
Logic Factor: It's possible. It's readily and truly possible. This
sort of thing is a fundamental storyline for many an entertaining book, so I
have no doubt that it would be something to happen in this plot line. In fact,
for that matter, I do think that it will happen in this plot line. I'd bet my
imaginary wand of dark nova on it! Of course, I can bet my imaginary wand of
dark nova on anything and come out scot free, for it continuously regenerates...
I like my imagination... 10/10 for being the most logical thing in this article.
Cliché Factor: My reference to The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings
still stands. The idea is pretty cliché, yes, and that's the whole point.
We've heard of it before, it's downright famous, and it would actually work
pretty well. Creepy that I'm thinking of it, huh? 10/10 for - once again - making
sense.
Insanity Factor: I am not currently on a sugar high. I am not currently
talking to my friend on the phone - that's a great way to go insane. I am listening
to some nice music, but it's nice music, no hyperactive let's-go-bounce-off-the-walls
music. And I have only had one can of soda thus far. This is not wholly strange.
Which is really weird, considering that I am the one writing this. Which must,
in some way, mean that it doesn't make sense, yet it does make sense, but then...
And... I... I need to lie down, my head hurts. 1/10, just for being written
by me.
Probability Rating: It seems logical, Captain. I really and honestly
think that this could feasibly happen. And if it actually does, then I truly
will be scared. 10/10... Man, that's creepier than possession...
As an alternative to any of the above, of course, it could just be that the
Twig is controlling all of our destinies and is really the main source of evil
of all the world, yet worse than Sloth... I think that one deserves a 10 on
the insanity scale...
I suppose that, out of good manners, I should thank you all for reading my
second article, but I don't really have good manners, so... Aw, crud, I just
thanked you, didn't I? Why do I do that!
Author's Note: The author takes no responsibility in any mental breakdowns
that this may have caused. The author also does not encourage anybody to form
or join a guild/cult that is dedicated to either total obliteration of Draconia,
total obliteration of Meridell, or that worships strange twigs that, by tripping
over them, will somehow open a hole in the space/time continuum.
She especially does not encourage people joining a guild that dedicates
itself to trying to figure out what the geometric figures on the Orb really
mean, and tells all of you not to speak in the third person like this. It's
really annoying.
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