The Bored and Inexperienced Traveler's Handbook by noremac9 |  |
Worlds of Neopia - Neopia central is boring. No, not just boring, stark flat out
"Nothin's goin' on here…" boring. And I mean that. Naturally, that's why Neopians
of all sizes travel abroad, going from land to land in search of adventure, danger,
fortune, fame, and some exotic food, drink, and a nice tablecloth. Unfortunately,
many of these travelers come back disheartened, because there really wasn't anything
to do wherever they went either. Actually, that's very rare. Most of them end
up in the belly of some huge beast, or trapped in prison, or abducted by Alien
Aishas, or more likely, lost in some slow-loading shop looking for good food,
and unable to get out. Well, unless it's your sole purpose in life to become a
crouton, or a cracker, or just plain food for some huge beast, you're going to
want this guide. With it, not only will you live, but you'll learn some interesting
things to do, plus (and this is important) which tablecloths are illegal in which
countries. We do not cover Neopia Central, because if you can't survive there,
standing on the top of an icy cold mountain next to a haunted mansion (with a
record for leading to deaths of many staff members), looking over the edge and
admiring how much it looks as if the ledge is about to break off and send you
hurtling into the abyss below-- well, traveling probably isn't your gig.
This guide could've covered the worlds in a counter-clockwise direction, but
instead, it's going to be pretty darn random.
The Lost Desert
It's good thing they found it, no? The first thing you need to know is that
in the Lost Desert, you will not be able to find a nice cool place. Therefore,
make sure you bring an attitude that wants to be hot, because there's no real
way to get cool. Furthermore, Kings tend to… choke, and then… croak… there a
lot, so if there's a king at the time you're there, say hi to him, get his autograph,
and wish him good luck with the soup. Now, on to the more fun stuff.
Okay, the single biggest attraction is King Coltzan's shrine, a king who--
you guessed it-- had a rather bad coughing fit. Now, however, you can go to
his shrine and bring one, and only one, of your pets to be "blessed". More than
likely, he'll laugh at you, or you'll hear someone coming, or your hands will
become shiny-- or, if you're really lucky, the sand will get warmer than it
already is. Of course, if you're REALLY unlucky, a bunch of coins-- one million--
will rain down on your head, resulting in numerous injuries throughout the body.
Best thing that could happen is for him to give you a little magnifying glass
thing.
And don't eat the sand bananas there.
VirtuPets Space Station
This is home to Neopia's prime evil, Dr. Frank. Dr Frank's last name is Sloth.
His sole intention, driving goal, and frankly-- no pun intended-- life's work
is to turn all Neopets into mutants. I guess he'd just like to see more tentacles,
brains, extra eyes and such where nature forgot them. Well, hey, there aren't
enough eyeballs in the world, you can hardly blame him!
Frankly, besides frank, the only reason people go there is to adopt a Grundo.
I mean, look at them, they're cute, they're… fuzzless… um, they have big eyes
(always a plus), and when they're mutated, they can break your spine with little
to no effort. What's not to like? Oh yeah, and you can eat their toes. Yum.
So basically, everybody goes there to get one.
The ones that don't, however, go there to look at the beauty of Neopia from
space. Well, I must warn you, this is very dangerous. When you see Neopia from
space, you suddenly realize how empty space is, because after all, you can see
through it. And then, you realize how thin the glass is. And well, a few people
have gotten the bright idea to jump break it, jump into the void of space, and
get a cheap ride back to Neopia. Well, you can guess what happens next. Us?
We fly third class VirtuLines, or in other words, get packed in a crate and
shoved in the back of a cargo ship where I'll be forgotten about for days.
Beware the loudspeaker.
Tyrannia
This is the only world in Neopia that speaks its own language. This leads
to many problems, especially since it's a language based on inflection. That's
why we provide you with this guide on what NOT to say if you're in Tyrannia.
Ugga - I've seen pet rocks with higher IQ's than that!
Ugga - Your mother looks like a massive potato.
Ugga - You are ugly.
Ugga - You can only afford omelette, you stupid potato.
Ugga - You smell like a petpet that just fell in something smelly.
As you can see, it's all based on inflection, so while all of those may look
like the same word, they're totally different. Also, "Ugga" can mean "Goodnight!"
as well as, "Where's the toilet?" so make sure you know how to pronounce it.
And don't look at us that way, just figure it out for yourself.
One of the biggest reasons people go to Tyrannia is the fabled, "Lair of the
Beast." Often times, one is likely to lose a limb upon visiting the said creature.
Since this happens to so many travelers, we have included this helpful tip.
There is an art, or rather, a knack to finding your limb. First you must
look in the last place you can think of. It most likely won't be there, but
at least that won't be the last place you looked. Now, think about what kind
of limb it is. If it's, say, a leg, where do you think a leg would like to go?
Frankly, we don't care what you think about the leg. It will always be in the
monster's stomach. Therefore, sit around for several hours, wait for it to digest
the said limb, and when it… comes out… clean it off and put it in a backpack.
One day, as scientists are hoping, they will be able to reattach limbs. Learn
to hobble until then.
So there you have it.
Meridell
Is currently in ruins, and is therefore very boring. They have no tablecloth.
Mystery Island
If there's one thing we know about Mystery Island, it's that there's a really
big Tiki Head there. It can even be seen from the air (that's the part where
you "Ooh…" and "Ahh…") It's also home to a group of cannibals, so make sure
you visit them AFTER dinner, otherwise they might make you stay there for a
while. Until they're done with you, and dinner (pretty much the same thing).
And beware, many travelers think the Tiki tour will actually TAKE YOU SOMEHWERE,
but instead, they show you some spiffy pictures, which you can do for free.
Don't take it.
Not to mention Ryshu-- he is someone people travel from far and wide to see,
because he can help you train. He's one of the only teachers you can pay to
train your pet, in fact the only one besides Cap'n No Teeth, or whatever that
old bird's name is. Point is, that's where you go to get all beefy-like. The
cool thing is that it doesn't cost ANYTHING. All you need are codestones. Codestones
are very expensive, but at least you're not paying Ryshu, ryght? I mean, right?
Right. And then, there's the Tombola. Basically, a guy in a mask who gives you
junk and asks for cash. Oddly enough, more people go to him every day than anywhere
else in Neopia. It's a strange world. And don't eat the food he gives you, it
often crawls back up for another chewing session.
Talk to the mystic before you leave.
Jelly World
Doesn't exist. It says that everywhere. What gave you the idea it existed?
And beware the giant jelly… that doesn't exist… because it has some weird flavors…
that, naturally, don't exist.
The Haunted Woods
It is not entirely insane to say that anyone going to the Haunted Woods is
entirely insane, or has some kind of Attack Fork through their head. Or both,
probably. I mean, basically, there's a bunch of stuff that wants to eat you,
punch you, scare you, and do other harmful things. And then there are things
that want you to get in pots so they can cook you, or make you into a potion,
or eat you. And then there are people who want your brain for their collection,
and they want to eat you. And there are also things that want you to fight them,
and they'll eat you. Oh yeah, and don’t forget you could get lost in the woods
forever, and then eaten. There are just too many dangers in the land of Haunted
Trees. Stay away.
If you want to be eaten, that's the main attraction. If not, you must be here
for the Esophagor's Quest. Well, they're overpriced. Don't do them. Unless they're
not. In which case, by all means, do them!
Oh yeah, and there's a big mansion.
Terror Mountain
If you plan on going there, you must know one of the ancient secrets of this
world… locked away in the mists of time, forgotten by many, and utterly powerful.
You must be very careful when in this land, for it hath an ancient evil residing
there…
They are called the Scratch Cards. They are the truest embodiment of evil
in all of Neopia. No man, woman, or beast faces them and comes back the same
way. They come back broken, or at least, broke. You cannot resist their power.
If you scratch one, just ONE, you will be sorry. You will scratch another, and
another, and pretty soon, you'll be broke. And the ancient evil will laugh quietly
to itself, and the evil sorcerer who made the cards will grow in power, and
your money will be spent on more scrolls of evil. Beware this danger… it is
pure evil. The Wocky is a Spectre of the underworld, beware its evil smile.
As for the rest of the land of chill, what can we say, there's a lot to do.
I mean, it's a three-story mountain, so it's no big surprise! One of the most
recommended things to do is try one of the Taelia's Quests. They can be very
lucrative, especially if the Taelia asks for the right things. And stay away
from the big lodge, many lives were lost there. It's creeping us out.
It's cold there, too.
Krawk Island
If there's one lawless place left in Neopia-- which there is-- this is it--
which it is. It's the only place where you can buy a tankard o' grog, gulp down
some guppies, and then tear the tab up, have a sword fight with your waiter,
and meet an untimely demise, all without interference from the Chia Police,
because there are no Chia Police. I think it's because they have no doughnuts.
Nevertheless, it's an adventurer's dream-- you can go sail a ship, battle some
buccaneers, bum around the island as a scalawag, or , what we recommend, wasting
all your cash on grog. Aye, matey-- er, yeah-- it's an adventurer's dream.
And while you're dreaming, go bet on the food club. Trust me, it's one of
the most interesting things you can do in all you travels. Mainly because you
get to see pets that weigh roughly more than you, your brother, his evil twin,
his evil twin's petpet, and his petpet's kennel, all put together, plus a small
mountain thrown in for good measure. And pretty much, they're going to consume
everything they can as quickly as possible. And then, they're going to eat some
more. Better yet-- after the contest's done, they can't move for twenty-four
hours, and you get to insult him, and all he can do is make groaning noises!
It's truly enjoyable, especially when you call them fat, in which case they
simply wiggle they're fat and try to say how they're not. Very entertaining.
Beware the vomit that occasionally flies.
Faerie Land
Ah, lastly, but not leastly, we arrive at the beautiful Faerie Land. It is
the final place most travelers make it, and frankly, it's boring. There's nothing
to eat you, nothing to laugh at, no quests, no danger, no stinky taverns with
grog, no huge beasts-- it's all… happy, and… safe. Okay, so it's not THAT safe,
considering it's over ten thousand feet above the surface of Neopia, and it's
got no rail guards, but still it's not THAT dangerous. The only thing remotely
interesting is the Hidden Tower, and we don't even know where it is. Oh well.
The wheel of excitement is great-- pay 100 NP to be shocked by lightening
bolts. Loads of fun. Kind of scary… sort of. Not that interesting.
In short, this is a traveler's worst nightmare-- a nice, safe, adventure-free
place.
Oh yeah, we guess causing mass havoc could be interesting.
Well, hopefully, this guide will help you on your quest, young traveler, and
will provide entertainment.
|
