Rivalries You Didn't Even Know Existed! by noremac9 |  |
NEOPIA CENTRAL - Lupe, Chia, Lupe, Chia, yadda, yadda. It's a dead debate, a stale
debate, and quite frankly, I think it's a pointless debate-- Lupe's ARE better.
So why all the animosity? I don't really care. The point is it's NOT the biggest
debate out there. It might be the best known among owners, but let me tell you,
there are loads of other rivalries just as furious, vicious, and cut-throat. If
you don't know what I'm talking about, well, you will soon. And then you'll get
involved in rivalries you never before knew about, and you really have no business
discussing or participating in-- just like the Lupe VS. Chia competition. Blumaroo
owners argue one side or the other, and they don't even own anything but a Blumaroo!
So get ready to start it all over again, the age-old "My Pet is Better Than Your
Pet Because it IS" debate.
Furry Footed VS. Blubbery Armed
Believe it or not, there's a HUGE rivalry between Jubjubs and Kikos. Just
look at all the Band-Aids on those Kikos. That's right-- as soon as a Kiko is
born, a Jubjub comes and kicks it in the head. If one gets missed, it usually
ends up rolling down a hill by accident and bashing its head, anyway (being
a Kiko's a hard life). But the root of the rivalry is simple-- Jubjubs are furry
blobs with no arms and nice feet, and Kikos are squishy blobs with no feet and
nice arms. Therefore, they both envy each other. That's one theory, anyway.
The other theory is that Jubjubs are magic Fuzzles, and Kikos are magical enchanted
Kiko squeeze toys… and they hate each other because when they were toys they
got piled in bins together… but wait-- enchanted Kiko squeeze toys are ALREADY
magical. And… nevermind, not sure who came up with that.
However, the point remains the same-- they don't get along at all. At least,
unlike the Lupes and Chias, they don’t eat each other, but they still do a lot
of evil stuff. Ever seen a Kiko balloon? That was no balloon-- some poor Kiko
got teamed up on, stuffed with helium, and had a string tied around his-- er,
and then look at what they do to Jubjubs! Check out a plain ol' Jubjub cake--
a tiny ickle baby Jubjub ke-bobbed on a candle! Or a Milk Chocolate Jubjub Cake!
These are Jubjubs that have been ritualistically executed by vengeful Kikos.
Retaliation does certainly exist, just look at the Kiko Keyrings. Kikos are
squished down and slapped on little circles… ouch with a capital K. The list
goes on and on, the two parties constantly inflicting pain and suffering on
the opposition. But beware-- some of the biggest conflict happens when they
get in arguments as to who is the easiest to draw… very hot debate.
Bad VS. Worse
Out of all the least popular pets, two stand out. They stand out because there's
an abundant supply of them-- they're not limited edition, yet they're roughly
equal to many limited edition pets. They're the Lenny, and the Tuskaninny, and
neither one of the pets are sure which is prettier. The Lennies claim the Tuskaninnies'
fat features, bad haircut, and tendency to cross its eyes make it the uglier.
But the Tuskaninnies say the Lennies' bowlegged legs, freakish head, and nasal
voice make IT worse. Still, these pets are pretty good looking… it's just a
matter of who's MORE good-looking (it's called legal disclaimer, folks).
The Beauty Contest is the battleground for these two pets. The Lennies paint
themselves baby and draw pictures of themselves, trying to prove their beauty.
That is, some of them-- the others find pictures of exotic birds from Internet
sites and win with those. In response, the Tuskaninnies color themselves hideous
shades of rainbow, draw themselves blinking, and worst of all… accurately represent
their persona through artistic impression… the LAST thing you want to see is
a well portrayed Tuskaninny, trust me. The battle still rages on, and when the
winner is declared… they'll probably get a makeover-- and its back to the drawing
board.
Fat King of Bad Jokes VS. Fat King of Bad Jokes Told By Petpets
Skarl is a fat king, and he likes bad jokes. The Turmaculus is a fat king,
but he DOESN'T like bad jokes (alas, poor Warfy, I knew him well). So how could
there be a rivalry? Skarl wants to be the bigger king. But the Turmaculus ain't
going to be passed up by a royal lightweight-- so he went on an all-meat diet.
And that means an ALL petpet diet. Furthermore, he vowed never to move from
his spot again, as to make sure all the calories built up with NO muscle in
the way. But Skarl decided two could play that game, so he built a chair and
vowed never to leave it. Nowadays, they're very similar. Come to Skarl, do something
strange, hope he likes it and hope he gives you something for it. Come to Mr.
Turmy, do something strange, hope he likes it and hope he gives you something
for it. Are these guys BROTHERS? Actually, I have a theory on that.
Remember Lisha and Jeran? Remember how they were SUPPOSED to be siblings?
Remember how they forgot? I think it's a pattern. See, in Meridell, people forget
they have siblings. As I've already said, there's Jeran and Lisha, plus… the
Merifoods guy, and Footpad Joe (the intelligence level let me on to that one).
See, none of these folks REALIZE they're kin to one another. And it's no different
with Skarl and the Turmaculus. What we have here is nothing more than sibling
rivalry.
The BIGGEST question is: who is their mother, and what planet can she fit
on?
Standard Source VS. Source That Might Not Exist
As you may know, The Neopian Times is the #1 news source in ALL of Neopia.
But that suggests there's another news source, since it's #1, not THE 1. It's
obvious that these two publishers would be in a bitter rivalry… unfortunately,
we're still trying to find the other one. But I know it's out there, the Times
is just suppressing it so much, it can't advertise! Is this tyranny, or a saving
grace? Who knows.
I did some more digging, and I found something interesting.
Sorry we haven't been putting out that many new games recently as all
our artists are working on a *secret project*.
Uh-huh. What's that secret project? Suppressing the rivaling News Company!
Not sure how artists fit in, but I'm sure of it… but this lends itself to whole
other article. One of conspiracy, blind guessing, random assumptions, and nutty
conclusions. Not this one.
It's still a rivalry, though! Not JUST a conspiracy!
Stone Dumb VS. Fluff Dumb
Pet Rocks are dumb. I don't care if you like them or not-- that's aside the
point. They might be cute (ER…), nice (Um?), affordable, and more (Like?), but
they're still DUMB. They have no brain. So, many would argue they're the LEAST
intelligent Petpet.
Then there are Warfs. They're dumb. They might be cute, fluffy, affordable,
but you can't (watch 55 Neomails poor into my inbox arguing) argue that they're
not dumb. They might breathe, but it's only to fool you.
So the question is, which petpet is the dumberest? Well, that's why it's a
rivalry. They're constantly trying to prove their stupidity… which, for a creature
with no limbs, features of any kind, or… anything else, it's both easy, and
difficult. On the one hand, the Rocks can sit around doing nothing, proving
they're stupid. On the other hand, they can't, say, light themselves on fire
and jump off a two foot staircase with a banner on their heads reading "HAIL
MONTE THE MOEHOG!" A disadvantage indeed. And yes, Warfs CAN do that. Or is
it Warf for the plural? Or Warfi? Or Warfsfs? Now I'm entering the competition…
Mighty Mountain VS… HORROR!
Haircuts. Not an obvious place to look for the next Lupe VS. Chia debate.
Well, maybe I'm off my rocker, and maybe I never had a rocker to begin with,
and maybe they don't make rockers like they should. I mean, the last time I
sat in a rocker, it creaked it squeaked, and well, it was pretty poorly manu--
ER, back to fashion.
That's right. The host of Better Than You-- that Kyrii Guy's-- assistant sports
a bountiful beehive. Not sure why she wanted to rival the other freakiest haircut
in all of Neopia, but she did.
Skarl's hair. Just… I can't… can we even CALL this a debate? I mean, he's
the winner for the "FREAKIEST HAIRCUT YOU WIN STOP IT STOP IT AGGGHHH!" award,
claws down. Nevertheless, she tries to compete.
I really don't see this as a big debate, since Skarl won pretty much, but
also because who cares? Lupes and Chias ate each other. Skarl wo-- but wait…
he will, won't he? He's a SKEITH! SKIETH'S can EAT ANYTHING! SHE'S DOOMED!
This is definitely going to be a huge debate. Sorry for steering you wrong
and then guiding you back.
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