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GALLERY OF EVIL - Incase you didn't know, the gallery of evil is a gallery of
evil. Heh, bet you didn't expect that! Yep, those Neopians in there are pretty
fiendish. But are they all? Sure, just because they try to take over Neopia every
now and then doesn't actually mean they're evil. Through this article, I intend
to prove to you that the most nefarious villain in Neopia may not be all he's
chocked up to be. I'm talking about Dr. Sloth.
Just because the word 'sloth' is a synonym for the word 'evil' doesn't actually
mean he's evil. I mean, he's a doctor! I can easily see this green-faced dude
helping out at charity functions and such. He looks evil but that may
not be the case. Sure, his face may look like it was ran over by the Monocerous
but that doesn't mean he's bad. He's a kind hearted soul inside, I'm sure of
it!
I took a dip in the web archives and pulled a page out of the dust entitled
"Ask Dr. Sloth". This occurred way before I joined the wonderful world of Neopia
more than two years ago. People sent in questions to the doctor of death...
er... I mean the doctor of love himself and he answered them. See, how nice
is that? Answering letters from his dedicated fans. I will use these letters
to support my argument! Here's a clippit of one of the letters:
Another suggestion I might have is dropping a few dozen nukes.
That was from one of the letters, just a clippit though. The doctor replied:
"Why would I want to destroy Neopia with nukes?"
See, how nice is that? He doesn't want Neopia to turn into burnt toast. *sniff*
So nice... OK, the second part of Dr. Sloth's response was: "That only ruins
all that great beachfront property." But that doesn't mean he's evil! Uh...
sort of... but he's still not!
OK, let's see if I can find another...
"Here's a list of weapons: Pepper spray... Thundershocker... Neocloak..."
Those are just a few of the many weapons the person suggested. Dr. Sloth,
the kind hearted soul he is, responded with:
"WOW. You have some great ideas for weapons, thanks for the input."
He's so nice! Congratulating that fan of his. I mean, those words were just
so beautiful. The way he capitalized the word 'wow'. Uh... he also responded
with: "I already have my people making them." Which probably
isn't a good thing for Neopia, but he's still a good guy! OK, I'll dig up one
more letter for you to prove his innocence.
At the end of a letter, someone finished with
"Call me Roast Chicken".
Guess what Slothy said?
"OK, I'll call you Roast Chicken"
He could've called that fan Raw Turkey but no, he didn't. He's too nice for
that. Uh... the rest of Dr. Sloth's response? Well, that was it. That may come
off as an insult I guess, not paying attention to the rest of the person's letter
(which I can guarantee you there was more) and calling him a roasted chicken,
but I can assure you he wasn't trying to be mean! What do I base that on? Uh...
ER OK, moving on!
The rest of the letters are mainly Dr. Sloth insulting everyone... I mean
Dr. Sloth complimenting everyone but... uh... we don't have time to go through
those.
I hold before me my very own Sloth Lunchbox. You can't see me hold it because
this is an article, but I guarantee I'm holding it. Look at his picture. He's
smiling and very happy. See, nice all the way. Uh... what's the description
on the tag say? The lord of evil now has his own spin-off Lunchbox... eat
from it at your peril. Hey, who would say that? Huh, what does this say?
Description written by Dr. Sloth himself. Uh oh... um... forget about
that.
Dr. Sloth also shoots items with a big laser thingy and makes them turn into
sludge. But is that really evil? Sure, you may be crying when your adorable
Fuzzle is reduced to a hunk of gunk, but what about when you have to eat broccoli?
See, Dr. Sloth is trying to rid the world of icky vegetables. Or how about when
your Noil turns on you? Or when you accidentally lit the fuze on your fire bomb?
Or when your baby Aisha plushie is trying to eat you? See, in a way Dr. Sloth
is actually saving us!
Then there's the Secret Sloth Slushie. According to the description, it's
made with pus, slime, bilge and snot. Pretty disgusting, huh? But it's the Secret
Sloth Slushie. Keyword: Secret. It was made by someone, but he's doing his best
to keep it secret. He doesn't want anyone to get a mouthful of slime.
Let's not forget the Neopedia article he's in! I think this sentence will
prove he's as evil as a Puppyblew:
Quote : Pitiful Neopets, you will all soon be my slaves.
Uh... bad example! There's probably another one somewhere...
Occupation : Evil Scientist and leader of Virtupets Corp.
Erm... also a bad example! How about this:
Height : 6'3"
Finally, something good. Well, it's not good but at least it's not bad. Proving
he's not all bad, and if he's not all bad then it's possibly he's not at all
bad! Uh... it doesn't make sense, does it? But there's bound to be something
else proving his lovable side!
He's in the Gallery of Evil! That in itself is a bad thing, but there's bound
to be something in there proving how nice he really is! How about this:
Dr. Frank Sloth is a brilliant, insane evil scientist hell-bent on the
total destruction of Neopets and Neopia.
Why do I keep doing that!?! Why do I keep choosing the worst possible thing
to prove his innocence!?! OK, this is much better:
Sloth is best known for enslaving an entire planet of alien creatures,
Grundos, and mutating them into stronger forms to draft into his army.
THAT'S NOT ANY BETTER AT ALL! Come on, isn't there anything?
How about when he released potions to mutate Neopets? Come on, not all mutants
are ugly! There's the mutant Techo... OK, that ugly. But there's the mutant
Aisha... yep, that's ugly too! But what about the mutant Korbat? Ugh, that's
even uglier! Isn't there a cute mutant? I know, the mutant Cybunny! That's cute.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with mutant Cybunnies... except that rabid
one right there that looks like it's going to eat me. That stinks!
OK, there's his escapades to rule Neopia. Can you honestly say you don't want
to rule Neopia? Can you honestly say you haven't tried to enslave a race of
Neopets to do your bidding? Can you honestly say you haven't locked yourself
in an ancient palace and command troops to destroy the ancient city? I think
not!
Finally, my last piece of evidence. Frank_sloth is actually Dr. Sloth's username.
He's just like you or me, he has a Neopets account! And four Neopets. He took
four Neopets in, and loves them. They have nice names too! Ha_Ha_Ha_Ha_Ha. OK,
that names maniacal. But what about Evil_Sloths_Pet? That's... charming... fine,
that names evil too. But he has a shop! In the description, it says this:
RIGHT NOW, IN A STATION CIRCLING YOUR WORLD STANDS THE CONQUEROR OF A THOUSAND
WORLDS, THIRD PLACE WINNER IN THE THREE LEGGED MAN RACE, CREATOR THEN DESTROYER
OF THE RTYARGS EMPIRE, OWNER OF THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS, AVID COMIC BOOK COLLECTOR,
WRITER OF A HUNDRED BEAUTIFUL LOVE POEMS, INCLUDING ONE; WHICH HE SUNG INTO
THE #1 SLOT FOR A SOLID 215 YEARS AND COUNTING, AND ALL ROUND NICE GUY, FOR
HE IS DR. F. SLOTH!
It says he's a nice guy! But he's also conquers worlds. He won third in the
three legged man race! But destroyed the Rtyargs (and they were so nice!). He
owned Atlantis... hmmmm, well that's sort of a draw.
There, I have proved to you that Dr. Sloth... uh... hmmmm... what do you know,
he really is evil! What was I thinking? What kind of nice guy would mutate Neopets
and blast items? What kind of nice guy would enslave Neopets and take control
of a palace? What kind of nice guy would admit he's evil and name his pets evil
names? What kind of nice guy would write love songs? Blech! Once again, this
is too_kule, wondering if Dr. Sloth was on to something with the conquering
Neopia idea. Hmmmmm... Over and out.
Note: I, TOO_KULE, WILL DOMINATE NEOPIA WITH MY MIND-CONTROLLING ARTICLES!
MUAHAHAHAHA!
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