(Taken from an episode of Neopian Times Live)
Wheelz_2000, reporter extraordinaire, (and, coincidentally, my pet) has been
lately seen interviewing all sorts of Battledome challengers around Neopia,
and finally, we have a report from him... Go ahead, Wheelz.
...Thanks, Adam Yes, I have been interviewing all sorts of the hideous, gruesome
beasts that have been seen hanging around the Battledome lately, and surprisingly
enough, I've found out that they aren't all as hideous and gruesome as we think
they are...for example, my interview with the Pant Devil...
Wheelz_2000(W2): Hey! You!
Pant Devil(P.D.): Yes? What?
W2: I'm a reporter for The Neopian Times, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
PD: (Sigh) I suppose not. Go ahead...
W2: Thanks a lot, you don't know how much this means to the people of Neopia...OK,
Mr. Devil, what is your opinion of all the challenges you've been receiving
in the Battledome lately?
PD: Oh, no, I was hoping you wouldn't ask that... You see, ever since I decided
to be a little fair, and let people try their luck with me in the Battledome,
my life has become a constant nightmare... people come up to me and just blow
me away, all because I stole one or two of their things...
W2: Then why don't you just steal some good Battledome items, then?
PD: Well, I only keep a few things for myself! Many of things I feel guilty
about, and eventually donate to the Money Tree... Do I deserve that much punishment
for that?
W2: Then why don't you just stop stealing things altogether???
PD: I can't! It's in my programming, for evil's sake!! (Sob)
W2: There, there, Mr. Devil, that's all the questions I'll ask for today. Thank
you again, for revealing your story to the press.
PD: (Sniffle) You're quite welcome...I say...are those Deli Turkey Slices?
Yum, yum...
After my interview with the pant devil, I felt better about what I was doing,
and, oddly, a little bit lighter...anyhow, the next stop on my list was the
old abandoned Chocolate Factory, at the end of town, to try to catch an interview
with the famous Jelly Chia. As I entered the old factory, I couldn't help but
feel a little bit frightened...
W2: Erm, hello? Is anybody home? I'm a reporter from The Neopian Times, and...
Jelly Chia(J.C.): RUUUAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!
W2: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Don't eat me! Don't eat me! I'd just like to ask a few
questions!
J.C.: RUAAARRR... What kind of questions?
W2: ...erm, about the Battledome
J.C. OK, shoot.
W2: (Phew!) OK, Mr. Chia...
J.C.: Call me Jel.
W2: Jel, then. Jel, what do you think about all the challenges you've received
in the Battledome lately?
J.C.: Well, it's not so bad. It's plenty of fun, I win a lot. And, it sure
beats hanging around this stuffy old factory.
W2: I see... Another question. Whatever happened to that poor Wizzle man you're
reputed to have...(gulp)...eaten?
J.C.: Oh, him. Well, after a few months inside my belly, we finally reached
an agreement...I would let him out, and he would never try to eat me again,
or I'd eat him and never, ever let him out. He kept his word, and we've become
great friends and roommates. We have a game of Kacheekers every once in a while,
and I always win. Naturally.
W2: Really? Anything you'd like to add?
J.C.: The old man hasn't touched a Jelly candy since.
W2: Who can blame him? OK, one last question. Do you know the Muffin Man?
J.C.: The Muffin Man?
W2: The Muffin Man! Do you know the Muffin Man???
J.C.: Who lives on Drury Lane?
W2: YES!!!
J.C.: Nope. Sorry. I hear he's really generous though, always enchanting his
old gloves and things and giving them to the hidden tower. I heard through the
grapevine that he does it because he has a crush on the Faerie Queen.
W2: You keep up on gossip?
J.C.: What else is a girl supposed to do between challenges?
W2: OK, then. Thanks a lot for sharing your stories with the press.
J.C.: Don't mention it.
After that interesting ordeal, I flew over to the Haunted Woods to see if
I could get an interview with the Brain Tree, and the Mummy.
W2: Hello, Mr. Brain Tree?
Brain Tree(B.T.): Ugghhh... you must be another one of those pets looking for
a quest, no? Fine, then, tell me when Shoy Wilberforce died, and...
W2: Er, no sir, I'm a reporter for The Neopian Times, and I was wondering if
I could ask a few questions?
B.T.: Hmmm...interesting plot twist... the questioner being questioned. All
right, I could use something different.
W2: Thank you! All right, Mr. Tree, what's your opinion of having all these
Battledome challenges?
B.T.: It certainly brings a little excitement to my life...after all, I am
rooted to the spot, with generally only my tomes and those pestering little
Neopets who want me to ask them questions for company. It's a lot of fun. I
sometimes even give gifts to those who can best me enough times, I like it so
much.
W2: Really? What kind of gifts?
B.T.: Ah, ah, ah...that's a secret.
W2: Fine, then.
(At this point, a very famous undead came along...none other than the Mummy
himself! Delighted to be spared having to trek through the Woods looking for
him, I jumped straight to the point)
W2: Excuse me, Mr. Tut-Ra, do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I'm a
reporter for The Neopian Times, and...
Mummy: Muahhhh.
W2: Splendid! OK, Mummy, what is your opinion of all the Battledome challenges
you've been receiving lately?
Mummy: Grooaaaannn...
W2: I see.
Mummy: Mummmiii.
W2: Really? That's astonishing! Let's see... another question for you. There
have been reports of the legendary Pop Tart hanging around near the Haunted
Woods...can you confirm this?
Mummy: Muuu...AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Unfortunately for me, Mr. Tut-Ra decided suddenly
to run away...I must remark that he moves very fast for all those bandages.)
W2: What was that??
B.T.: (ahem) The Mummy, unfortunately, had a very bad run-in with Pop Tart.
W2: My...how bad?
B.T.: It took him several days to regenerate, and he cringes at even her last
name, ever since.
W2: She must be tough!
B.T.: Oh, yes, she's easily the scariest thing in the Haunted Woods, maybe
even Neopia!
W2: Wow! Well, thanks for your time, Mr. Tree!
B.T.: Don't mention it. By the way, that quest I gave you is about to run out...
W2: Don't expect me to finish it.
After all that said and done, I had only one person left on my list... the
infamous master of disguise, the almost-invincible Punchbag Bob. Unfortunately,
he seems to have gone into hiding, and the closest thing I could find was a
relative of his (the resemblance was remarkable!) that merely said "NO!! I haven't
seen him. He went that way! Go away!" and ran away screaming. So, quite satisfied
with the work I had done, I returned to NT studios to relate my story here,
and now my work is done. This is Wheelz_2000, signing off. ...Thank you, Wheelz.
Next time, Dubloons...currency of pirates? | 
