Note: Do not read beyond this point without a sense of humour.
BATTLEDOME - Being rather new to battling myself, I've come to be a common
lurker on the Battledome chat board. I find if you lurk and watch, eventually
all your questions get answered without having to stick your own neck out and
end up being a thorn in someone's backside.
But what happens if you don't care about building a good reputation for yourself?
What happens if, no matter who you have to annoy, step on, and shout at, you're
determined someone is going to drop everything and fight with your macho level
3 pet Gelert RIGHT NOW? To start you off on the right path, the Battledomers
have a sort of unspoken etiquette they all follow. Here is how it applies to
you:
1. Do not spam the board
Completely disregard this rule. Your questions are obviously more important than
anyone else's and the only way you will ever get them answered is to hit that
send button as many times as you can until *someone* gets off their lazy duff
and tells you whether or not a Sparkshooter is a good weapon or not.
2. Do not ask for challenges and then reject them
Well, obviously that rule does not apply to you. YOU need a special opponent.
So after hours of posting about how everybody on the board is a bunch of chickens
and nobody can defeat your supreme pet, reject all those foolish enough to send
you a challenge because, after all, nobody is worthy enough to fight cutiepatootiechan357362565673.
3. Do not pull out of a battle if you are losing
But clearly your opponent is cheating. Their level 55 Lupe has knocked your
poor level 4 Chia down to almost no health in just one hit. Who else but a cheater
could do that? Don't believe their lies about hard work and training! Pull out
immediately and don't give him the satisfaction of another win!
4. Do not publically whine after you've lost
Well toss THAT rule right out the window! Who did Majal_Kita think he was
accepting your challenge after you said bad things about his mother and thoroughly
pounding you into the carpet?? What a bully! How mean! Everybody must know of
your pain! Post about it constantly for about an hour. Be sure to be liberal
with the words "Cheater" and "Scammer".
5. Do not beg for weapons
Yeah but you just found out today that the Rainbow Flash the snow faerie gave
you for that last 20k quest you did for her is *not* a good weapon after having
your rear pounded to hash several times and you've come to realise most of the
people on the Battledome board are just a bunch of show-offs anyway. Time to
start looking for a handout. SOMEONE on there will eventually get sick of you
and give you one of their many Sword Of The Air Faerie's to make you shut up,
right?
6. If someone has asked the same question two posts below you, do not post
the same question again.
HA! But all *they* wanted to know was where the Cave Chia was. *YOU* want
to know the URL too! Make sure you post this several times, taking care to throw
politeness to the wind, so people will pay more attention to your post and not
the other person's.
7. If you are called a n00b, it is not meant to say you are a newbie. It
is meant to say you are among the Elite Stupid.
Those ignorant fools...how wrong they are for calling you a n00b when you've
been playing for almost four months. Fire a few insults back. Substitute letters
for symbols to get around the filters as necessary.
8. Do not harass the weapon restockers for handouts or to sell you their
restocking successes at retail price.
Pay 4.5 million for thyoras tear? Ridiculous....not when a long-time player
on the forum has just posted triumphantly that the Shopkeeper has accepted his
offer of 99,999 Neopoints. Not to mention that it has been added to his inventory!
Time to Neomail
that person until his box is full, begging them to please sell it to you for
as much as he bought it for. If begging fails, demand. If demanding fails, tell
the board of your situation and don't forget to mention what a n00b the other
guy was for not selling the thyoras tear to you for 100k.
9. Do not ask to buy anyone's battle pet
Hmph...and just who has time and money to buy all those codestones and neggs
and dubloons? You've finally come to terms with the fact that your mighty red
Bruce...well...isn't quite so mighty. You admit defeat on this particular subject,
but decide that the only way to amend it is to get yourself a big beefy warmonger
run-for-the-hills pet. And so, with all 10,000 of your Neopoints you must now
begin to make offers on the board. Tell people you will gladly pay all 10k plus
the five Christmas Wocky plushies in your safety deposit box for their pet.
Be sure to be persistent. Ignore people telling you that you could be frozen
for asking, they're just scared of your mad bargaining skillz.
10. Do not use the Battledome board for role-playing
And just how, pray-tell, are they supposed to know that wigglynosiecutebutt
is looking for a "kewl pirate krawk b/f" if you don't post about it??? Ask them
to vote for your picture in the beauty contest while you're at it. Let them
know this is a topic you are no-nonsense about. That'll show'em.
There you have it. You now have an insight into the diseased minds behind
the Battledome chat board and logical ways to get around all of their rules. You're
too important to be inhibited by any restriction whatsoever, just remember that.
Good taste? FAH! Who needs it?? You're already on your way to becoming one of
the Battledome board's most infamous citizens by following this advice.
The sky is the limit, my friends, and don't let anybody get you down with
their so-called rules and manners.
Secondary Disclaimer - This article is purely in jest. Any hate mail resulting
from people who thought I was serious and encouraging these people will be laughed
at...and then I will weep openly because somehow I have failed as a satirical
writer. | 
