Green Genies and H.A.M.S.: Part Two

      As his head cleared, he began to notice some things. First, he was tied down to a chair with a thick rope that wrapped around his midsection and the chair back and pinned his arms down to his sides. Glancing over to his right, he saw Lennert tied to a chair in a similar fashion, sound asleep and snoring.

      The room that they were in was almost entirely pitch black, save for the small area around the two kidnapped pets which was illuminated by a spotlight of moonlight that streamed in through a broken skylight above. Just outside the area of the light, Hawkins could make out the outlines of wooden boxes, crates and other storage containers stacked up all around, with some columns nearly reaching the roof.

      They were in a warehouse. One which Hawkins found to be eerily familiar…

      "Well, well, well - look what we have here!" From just beyond the shadows, a figure moved forward. "It would appear two little kiddies have fallen into our trap!"

      Out of the darkness stepped an all-two familiar pet - a certain red Yurble by the name of Rover.

      Hawkins groaned. He had met this pet a few times before, and none of them under happy conditions. "You again? Man, you guys are so lame, you know that? Using the same exact trap, then taking us to the same exact place as last time? How unoriginal!"

      Rover blinked. "…Yeah, well, the plan worked, didn't it? If it's such a stupid trap, then why did you fall for it twice?"

      "I didn't fall for it!" Hawkins retorted. "I said I knew you were standing right around that corner! You didn't trick me at all!"

      "Pssh! I don't remember that!" Rover denied. "And besides, your friend fell for it!"

      "My friend has the IQ of a child!"

      "Whatever!" The red Yurble waved his paw in a pooh-pooh motion. "The point is, I have you in my clutches - for you, there is no esca--"

      Suddenly, Hawkins let out a long, loud yawn. "…Oh, I'm sorry!" the Kyrii apologized immediately. "Please, keep going!"

      Rover scowled at him. "Like I saw saying," he continued. "You'll never escape from here! I have you in my clu--"

      Just then, Lennert awoke with a loud scream.

      "Ahh! Huh?! What?! Where?!" The red-feathered Lenny looked around anxiously, startled and confused. "What's going on?! Where am I?! Hawkins? Hawkins!" Lennert glanced over to his left and noticed Hawkins tied up to the chair beside him. "Oh, hey Hawkins! What's up?" Looking around, it began to dawn on Lennert just where he was. "Oh, cookie… you have betrayed me again!"

      "Okay, you know what? Never mind!" Rover shouted, annoyed at continually being interrupted and ignored. With a sigh, he continued. "Anyways, before I go on, allow me to introduce you to someone I'm sure you've met before--"

      "If we've met him before, how can you introduce us to him?" Hawkins called out.

      "..Hush, you! Now, as I was saying - allow me to present my partner!"

      At that, a blue Yurble stepped out from the shadows behind Rover. He wore a large, proud smile as he strode up happily and stood beside his partner, bouncing on the balls of his feet slightly, apparently very honoured at having been "presented".

      "I'm sure you both remember Lu."

      Lennert shook his head. "No, not really."

      Lu's pride instantly deflated in much the same way a balloon deflates when the air is let out of it. "…What?"

      The Lenny shrugged. "Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't remember you."

      "What do you mean you don't remember me?!" the blue Yurble shouted, his eyes wide in disbelief. He turned to Hawkins. "Well, you remember me, right?"

     Hawkins thought for a few seconds before replying. "Well… I recognize you, yes, but I don't really remember who you are."

     "But, how can you not remember me?!" The Yurble was in complete disbelief.

     Hawkins paused, trying to find the right words. "…Ummm, well, you are kind of a cliché and unoriginal character…"

     Lu's face slowly turned from a look of disbelief to a stunned hurt. "'Cliché and 'unoriginal'…?"

     Hawkins did his best to give the Yurble a sympathetic look. "Sorry, but it's true! You are cliché! I mean, you basically play the goofy, stupid sidekick bad guy who screws up everything. Sorry to tell you, but that's pretty well overdone."

     Lu, completely destroyed and bearing a blank, expression-less look on his face, simply sat down where he was and stared at the floor. "I can't believe it…" he muttered to himself. "I'm cliché and unoriginal…"

     "Enough!" Rover, who had been temporarily forgotten, was starting to flush red in the only area of his face not covered in fur. "I'm tired of you all getting off track and ruining my soliloquies!" He paused, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm himself down. During this intermission, Hawkins and Lennert exchanged a weird look, but remained quiet.

     "Now," Rover continued, trying to keep his newly-found composure, "the last time you two were here, I told you about our new organization, Yurble Armed Militia Soap--"

     "You mean Y.A.M.S.?" Hawkins called out.

     Rover cringed at the acronym. "Yes, Y.A.M.S…. Anyways, Lu and I created this organization because we're tired of the biased, anti-Yurble culture. Think about it - you never see Yurbles in any plots or games! Why is that? I'll tell you why - it's because we Yurbles are being discriminated against by the rest of Neopia! Everyone thinks that just because we Yurbles haven't been around as long, they can treat us like a second-class species! That's why we created this group; to fight back against this injustice!"

     Rover, fired up and starting to pant a little, paused, letting a small smile slip across his face. "Of course, Yurbles aren't the only species that are discriminated against. So, you see, we've created some spin-off organizations for all the other species that are so terribly misunderstood…"

     "Oh no…" Hawkins muttered. "I don't like where this is going…"

     Rover's smile widened, showing off some of his pearly white teeth. "Oh yes! Perhaps you all should meet Mister Bob…"

     At this, a brown Hissi slithered out of the shadows and into the circle of light. He wore a calm, almost bored expression on his face. His eyes were half-closed, as if he could lie down and go to sleep any minute; he looked as though he had no worries or urgency in the world.

     "Howdy, boys," he greeted the two captives in a cool, bored voice to match the look on his face. "How's it going?"

     Hawkins looked at the three pets that were standing (or, in Lu's case, sitting) around him and his roommate. "…Oh, I don't think I'm going to like the sound of this…"

     "Ah, I see we've finally begun to scare you!" Rover announced proudly, his voice rising triumphantly. "Yes, Mister Bob here is the President and founding member of our new sister organization - Hissi Armed Militia Soap!"

     "…H.A.M.S.?" Lennert called out, confused.

     Rover paused, his smile faltering slightly. "What?"

     Hawkins sighed, shaking his head pathetically. "Hissi Armed Militia Soap… the acronym spells 'H.A.M.S.'."

     It was amazing how quickly Rover's face fell from sly smile to disheartened dismay. "…Crap!" he shouted. "We really need to start being more careful about the names we pick!"

     Hawkins turned to the Hissi. "Are you really working with these clowns?" he asked.

     Bob the Hissi shrugged, apparently not very concerned one way or another with what his organization was called (or, for that matter, with anything else that was going on). "Meh. They offered me free cake and pie if I agreed to join - I wasn't gonna argue!"

     "Hey, wait!" Lennert shouted, seemingly out of nowhere. Everyone (except for Lu, who continued staring at the floor, lost in his own world of self-pity) turned to Lennert, surprised at hearing him speak up so suddenly; he'd been quiet for so long, everyone else had completely forgotten he was there. "Where's my magic lamp?"

     Rover blinked. "Your what?"

     "My lamp!" Lennert exclaimed. "My magic lamp! The one I had with me before the cookie knocked me out!" (Hawkins rolled his eyes at this.)

     "Oh… that?" Rover shrugged, a little taken aback by the sudden mentioning of something so inconsequential. "It's over there somewhere." The Yurble pointed towards a spot right outside the spotlight where the outline of Lennert's lamp sitting on a stack of boxes could be made out.

     Lennert breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew! That's good! That magic lamp is really important! Did I mention it was magic?"

     "Lennert!" Hawkins shouted, turning as much as he could while still tied up to the chair. "For the millionth time - there's nothing magical about that old, dirty lamp! The only magical thing about it is that it'll be magic that Mister Rowland doesn't throw us out for you having taken it like you did!"

     "Of course it's magic, Hawkins!" Lennert replied cheerily. "Watch!" He looked over towards where the lamp sat perched on a stack of boxes. "Hey, magic genie! I'm ready to make my wishes now!"

     For a second, nothing happened. Then, the lamp jumped off of the box and hopped across the floor - literally hopping, as if it had a spring attached to the bottom - over towards Lennert, coming to a rest right at the red Lenny's feet.

     Then, in a fashion similar to last time, a green mist started to rise from the top of the lamp. The mist kept rising up into the air, forming a head, torso, arms, paws, and stomach, before finally fully taking the shape of a green, glowing, floating Wocky. Like last time, only the upper-half of his body was there, and he wore - as he had before - an open vest across his chest and a fez and tassel on his head.

     The Wocky lazily opened his eyes, yawning loudly as he stretched out his arms. Looking over at Lennert, he asked with a languid look on his face, "You called?"

     "Hiya!" Lennert made to wave at the genie, only to be reminded that his wings were tied down to his side by the rope. "Hey, none of these people believe you're a genie! So, go on - tell them! Tell them the truth!"

     Surprised, the genie looked around and noticed for the first time the four other pets around him: a green Kyrii tied to a chair beside Lennert (his mouth gaping and his eyes wide with disbelief), a red Yurble standing just off to the side (whose mouth and eyes were, if possible, actually wider than the Kyrii's), a blue Yurble who was sitting on the ground near the red Yurble (his eyes focused on the ground, shoulders slumped in a defeated, disheartened sort of way; he didn't even look up at the genie's presence), and a brown Hissi who appeared just as cool and as calm as could be, apparently not very affected one way or another at the genie's appearance.

     "Ummm… hi…" He gave a small wave to the pets. None of them made any moves in return.

     The Wocky turned back to Lennert. "So, do you actually have a wish now?"

     Lennert thought about it for a second, then shrugged. "Well, that cookie… it keeps avoiding me! Twice already that thing got away! I sure wish I had that darn cookie…"

     The genie gave a simple, swift wave of his paw and in an odd, useless cliché puff of green smoke, the chocolate chip cookie appeared out of nowhere on Lennert's lap.

     "Oh wow! Now that is just too cool! That is just some really great stuff! Isn't that awesome, Hawkins?" Lennert looked over at his partner, who could only utter a barely audible squeak in response. Lennert tried to bend down to reach the cookie on his lap, only to realize the ropes across his chest just barely held him back. He looked up at the genie. "Umm, if you could…?"

     The genie sighed, then, with a roll of his eyes, picked up the cookie and placed it in Lenny's beak, feeding him like a little baby.

     Lennert smiled. "Sweet!" he muttered, Angling his neck up straight and gobbling down as much of the cookie as he could without using his wings.

     "Wait… you…you really are a genie, aren't you?" The Wocky looked back at Rover, who seemed to have come to from his momentary shock and loss of words.

     "Yes, I really am," the genie replied. He turned back to Lennert. "So, any other wishes?"

     "I… uhhh, I…" Rover stuttered, searching for the words. "Well, if you're a genie… can I have some wishes, too?"

     The genie turned in mid-air to face the red Yurble again. "Sorry, but no can-do. He's the one who rubbed the lamp, so he's the one who gets the wishes."

     Rover looked at the ground, disappointed. "Awww… I wanted a giant pool of boiling lava…"

     Lennert gave the red Yurble a sympathetic look, forgetting that he was the one who had tied him to the chair. "Awww! Don't get down like that! I think I could spare a wish for you!"

     At this, Hawkins seemed to come out his own daze. "…What? Lennert, wait… what?"

     Not hearing him, Lennert turned to the genie. "Mister Genie, I have another wish! I wish for a giant pool of boiling lava!"

     "No!" Hawkins shouted. "Lennert, don't!"

     The genie smiled. "So it shall be done!" And with a wave of his paw and a puff of green smoke, a giant tub, filled to the brim with boiling red, molten lava appeared off to Lennert's right, just outside of the area of light. The lava inside the pool steamed and bubbled, giving off its own bright red-orange glow.

     Lennert smiled. "Sweet!"

     It took Rover a moment to realize what had just happened. First, he just stared at the pool of magma, unsure if it was a mirage or not. Then, he looked over at Lennert curiously. His eyes moved from Lennert to Hawkins, then from Hawkins to the genie. Then, a sly, creepy smile crept across his face.

     "Heh… you idiot! Now that I've got a pool of lava, I can finally finish the two of you off once and for all!"

     "Why did you need a pool of boiling lava to destroy us?" Hawkins asked. "Couldn't you have just, I dunno, thrown us off the roof or something the whole time? I don't really see why you needed a pool of lava…"

     Rover shrugged. "I dunno… I just sort of figured that that was how I had to do it - throw you both into a pool of lava and watch with glee while the two of you burned to your fiery ends. I guess it just never occurred to me to do anything else…"

     Hawkins sighed, shaking his head sadly and turning to Lennert. "And you - you really don't think things through before you do them, do you?"

     Lennert shrugged. "Not generally, no."

     "Now!" Rover shouted, once more becoming the center of attention. "Now I will finish the two of you off once and for all! I'll drop you in the lava and no one will ever, ever see the two of you again!"

     Hawkins rolled his eyes. "Lennert, just wish for him to get hit by a meteor or something so we can get out of here, okay?"

     The genie turned back to Hawkins. "Oh, no, you can't do that!"

     "What?" Hawkins asked, confused. "Why not?"

     "That would be breaking the 'no harming others' rule of making wishes," the genie explained simply.

     "Yeah, but you're not really wishing for him to be hurt - you're just wishing for something to happen to him that'll cause him to be hurt."

     The Wocky shook his head. "Nope, it doesn't work that way. You're still wishing for him to be hurt, so it would be breaking the rules."

     Hawkins thought about that for a second. "Okay… well, what if we just wished for him to be teleported right above the pool of lava? And then, what if he just happened to fall in on his own? Would that be allowed?"

     The Wocky gave another quick shake of his head. "Nope - it's the same thing. You're wishing for something to happen to him that would hurt him."

     "Yeah, but we're not actually hurting him - we're just wishing for him to be teleported somewhere!" the Kyrii argued adamantly. "And if it just happens to hurt him…"

     "No, but you're still wishing for him to be hurt!" the genie rebutted. "You're just doing it in a round-about way!"

     "Well that doesn't seem very fair," Hawkins pointed out. "After all, you only said we can't wish for him to be hurt - you never said we can't wish for something that, coincidentally, might hurt him."

     "But you're still hurting him!"

     "No, I'm wishing for him to teleported over a giant pool of lava! If he happens to fall in, well, that's just a coincidence, isn't it?"

     "Now you're just mincing words!" the genie shouted.

     "Yeah, well, it's not my fault you can't explain things correctly!" Hawkins shouted back. "It's your laws - it's not my fault you leave the loopholes there!"

     "QUIET!"

     Immediately, everyone in the room went silent (which wasn't hard, since only the genie and Hawkins had been talking). All the pets turned to look at the one who had given the order - Lennert.

     "Boy," the Lenny spoke aloud, "this is pretty complicated! I really don't understand these rules and stuff. I wish I had a lawyer here."

     "Lennert! No!"

     But Hawkins' cry was in vain. Wish a satisfied grin, the genie spread his arms wide and, in a third and final puff of green smoke, a short, pudgy Bruce appeared in the middle of everyone. He was blue and wore a fancy suit and tie, with thick glasses resting on the bridge his long beak. He blinked and looked around, appearing very surprised at his sudden teleportation.

     The genie gave a wide, almost evil smile. With satisfaction, he looked down and noticed that his "tail" was no longer connected to the lamp. Grinning, he gave a quick flick of it. Sure enough, it was free and loose; he was no longer tethered to the lamp. The curse had been broken.

     "YES! Freedom!" He did a quick back-flip in the air, pumping his fist-paws high. "Free! Free at last! Finally, after all these years of serving stupid, ungrateful, greedy, selfish, self-indulgent pets, I'm finally free of that horrid, faerie-forsaken lamp!" He did a quick 360 spin, laughing loudly.

     "Well, that's all for me!" the genie shouted. "I'll see you suckers later! Next stop: beautiful beaches! Ya-HOO!" And with that, he turned and flew up and out through the roof, disappearing into the night.

     The lawyer Bruce looked around at the other pets still in the room, apparently very lost and confused. "Umm… where am I? And what's going on?" he asked. "One minute, I'm sitting in my office, trying to think of more lies I could tell to people tomorrow. Next thing I know, I'm in here surrounded by you all and really, really confused…" He pushed his glasses, which had been sliding down the bridge of his beak, back up in place.

     Rover narrowed his eyes at the Bruce. "I don't like you - you're a geek. I think I'm gonna throw you in the lava first." He strode forward and reached out to grab the Bruce's arm-

     -only to have the Bruce grab his first and twist it away.

     "Big mistake, pal," the Bruce warned, smiling. "I may be a lawyer, but I'm also an expertly trained martial artist!" And in one swift move, he jumped up into the air and round-house kicked the Yurble in the chest, knocking him to the ground.

     Spinning back around to face Hawkins and Lennert, he gave two quick karate chops, swiftly cutting their ropes loose. Then, smiling mischievously, he slowly turned back to a stunned and wide-eyed Rover who was just starting to realize he had been kicked to the floor by a "geek" of a Bruce.

     "…Well, this sucks..."

     The Bruce made his way over to Rover, grabbed the fearful Yurble by his neck, and threw him down on his stomach and commenced to put him what looked like a very painful lock. Rover wailed loudly; the Bruce only twisted his arms and legs into even more painful positions.

     Still sitting in his chair, a stunned and confused Hawkins tried to remember just how this plot got so off track. He sighed, watching blankly as the short, nerdy Bruce put Rover into a headlock and made him cry for his mommy.

     Lu remained sitting on the floor where he been the whole time, staring sadly at the ground and muttering to himself, "Cliché? Am I really cliché? But, my mommy always told me I was special…"

     Bob the brown Hissi had curled up in a coil on the floor and fallen asleep.

     And Lennert, unlike Hawkins, didn't seem concerned one way or another how they had gotten to this point - looking up, Hawkins could see the Lenny next to him, munching on a cookie.

     "…Where'd you get that?" Hawkins asked.

     "Fwom ober on da table!" Lennert mumbled through a mouth of chocolate chip cookie, crumbs flying everywhere as he jabbed a wing back somewhere in a corner. "Want one?" He held out a wing full of five or six more cookies.

     Hawkins shook his head, turning back to watch the fight (the Bruce still had Rover pinned on his stomach and was now twisting his ankle in a direction it obviously wasn't supposed to go), a blank, distant expression on his face.

     "Boy," Lennert said finally, having swallowed the rest of his cookie. "It's pretty lucky the genie sent us a lawyer who knows martial arts, isn't it?"

     Hawkins just shook his head slowly. "It never really bothers you how close to death we seem to come, does it? Or the fact that we're usually saved only by a simple, almost-unbelievable stroke of luck?"

     "Meh," Lennert replied with a shrug, taking a bite out of another cookie. "I don't usually sit around and think about it."

     â€¦This story made more sense on paper. Or… you know what I mean.

The End