Freaky Factory: Promoting Purple Grundo Hatred?

Hello, my name is Forest. For those who have tuned in for the first time, welcome. For those who regularly watch my show, welcome back! I’m here today with the infamous purple Grundo. We all know him. We all hate him. He’s the one lurking in the shadows... Popping up at JUST the right moment to keep you from the avatar. He’s the one stealing all your rainbow plushies, and your base colors too if he can get em. Yes we all know THIS Grundo... But how well do we know him REALLY? I decided I was going to find out...

Welcome, Mr Grundo! Er... do you have a name?

Grundo Thief: I like to be called.... The Phantom Thief Jake!!! THE NINJA!!!

...Right. Yeah, I think we’re gonna stick with the Grundo Thief.

Grundo Thief: No ninja Jake?

...There are WAY too many problems with that, the least of which involve copyright infringement. ANYWAYS on to the real questions...

Grundo Thief: ...ninja.

We all know you make your living stealing OUR hard work, those cuddly little critters called plushies, but no one knows WHY. So, Mr Grundo Thief, why? Why would you take our work? Do you take some form of enjoyment from our wails of anguish when we miss that avatar for the 4,327th time?

Grundo Thief: I feel they demean women! I mean what woman could live up to having a size zero waist and-

I... think you're talking about usukis... Although it’s nice to know you steal those too... explains where all my daughter's went...

Grundo Thief: I didn’t do it! It was the sock! The sooooooock!!!!!!

...The sock.

Grundo Thief: Yes, the sock; got a problem with the sock?!

...Socks do not plot evil deeds.

Grundo Thief: How do YOU know, HUH?! Maybe they do! MAYBE they’re even more evil than meepits!!!

Oh lord, not the cliché evil meepits rant.

Grundo Thief: They’re everywhere, man! They can read your MIND... They know you're thinking about Hubert's hot dog stand!!!

Mm-hmm. Anyways about the plushies...

Grundo Thief: Well, you see it all happened so long ago...

...Hey, Mr Camera Man, we have enough film for this, right? We do? Great. Make sure you get a good angle...

Grundo Thief: Hey, are you listening or not?!

Sorry, go ahead.

Grundo Thief: Anyway it all started back during the battle for Meridell... You see Queen Jhudora had just implemented several anti- Grundo laws and... We all think Sloth was behind them, and Queen Fyora too, she hates Grundos, you see, and-

Hold on a tic, I‘m pretty sure that’s not how all that went down... I‘m pretty sure Jhudora has never been a queen and... Queen Fyora, while she does price things in her tower ridiculously high, is far from evil... Where in Neopia are you getting this stuff?!

Grundo Thief: MY STORY, MY RULES!!!

...Story?

Grundo Thief: Ahem as I was saying, neopets everywhere were without jobs, and my poor sister stumbled, one armed and half starved, out of that accursed Krelufun factory... She’d lost her looks, her flair, and finally when she could no longer work her job...

Um, couldn’t you just go to the Employment Agency? Or for that matter the Soup Kitchen?

Grundo Thief: Whose interview is this?!

Sorry, please continue.

Grundo Thief: As I was saying, my poor sister, missing an arm, and Neopets doesn’t have insurance for their workers-

I’m pretty sure they DO, actually...

Grundo Thief: No, they don’t. I swore, no one else would suffer under that tyrant Sloth’s rule...

So wait... A Grundo complaining about Sloth? Oh THIS is original... Never heard THIS before...

Grundo Thief: Will you stop that?! Anyways, I swore no one else would suffer and went STRAIGHT to the fastest way to get a response from our beloved protectors, the neopets team! The EDITORIAL!!!!

...Mm-hmm... Bet I know how THAT went, huh?

Grundo Thief: Week after week, Rain or shine, I loyally submitted my plea for help for Neopets workers! Not ONCE did they reply! Don’t they CARE?!

There, there now, don’t cry.

Grundo Thief: *snorts into tissue* And so I had no choice but to take matters into my own two hands! If anything was to be done I HAD TO DO IT!!!

Um... Wait, isn’t this what the Defenders of Neopia are supposed to be for...? You know, with the trophies and all...?

Grundo Thief: I was going to shut down the factory from within! By taking all their profits and giving them to the MONEY TREE!!! I even secretly made an avatar to be awarded for donating a plushie to the Money Tree!!

Uh-huh, very generous of you, all of Neopia thanks you for your brave actions in the face of adversity, so now we know why you steal, tell me... how did your sister lose her arm?

Grundo Thief: Well... She’s... jelly... She... kinda... ate it.

...Her arm?

Grundo Thief: SHE WAS STARVING!

...Isn’t that called cannibalism or something?

Grundo Thief: SHE COULDN’T HELP IT!!!

...Right. So you're sure that you were ONLY donating them to the Money Tree, right?

Grundo Thief: Well... Not ONLY... I mean a guy’s gotta eat, right?

Eat?

Grundo Thief: Yeah, eat coinage at the slots!!!

...So you stole these plushies... and gambled the money away?

Grundo Thief: Well, not ALL of it... Some of it went toward my school tuition; the fees are ridiculous!! Who can afford to send their kids to school at fees of 100 000 NP a year?!

...You are aware neoschool doesn’t ACTUALLY exist yet right?

Grundo Thief: erk...

...So did you donate ANY of the plushies?

Grundo Thief: ...

How about support your sister? Did you at least do that?

Grundo Thief: Er... Well... She has an owner and all... So....

So... No. Right.

Grundo Thief: But- but not all the money is spent selfishly!! Some of it has to go to laundry bills. YOU try getting kreludite outta silk!!!

...You wear silk?

Grundo Thief: I like the way it feels on my skin, okay?!

WEEEEEEEEEELL, that was a little too much information right there. Erm, are we done? Camera guy? I think we’re done.

Grundo Thief: Wait, come back! You have to talk to me! You said you were gonna talk to me!!!!!!!!!! ...please talk to me? It’s so lonely in this cold factory...

Thus concludes our interview with the infamous Purple Grundo of Krelufun Factory, otherwise known as Freaky Factory.

Grundo Thief: And sometimes at night the miamice bite... I even woke one morning sucking on a robot kadoatie’s tail! It short circuited! They made me pay for it!!

Tragic, tune in next week for our interview with a very hungry Chomby. Hungry enough to eat a certain Grundo’s sister's arm? No one knows, but this reporter intends to find out!! Till then, Ja!!