Guide to Medieval Foods: Version-Cheese

Get on with it, you say? Tell us what we want to know, you say? Alright, you bunch of scalawags. My name is Smiley, and I am a very large Skeith. Together, my Usul brother and I will combat the mysteries of medieval food to bring you the information you will need to... eat! This is Icy, my brother.

With my writing skills and his eating skills, we are an invaluable pair. For each food item, I will announce its name, describe its appearance, and provide some tidbit of useless information. Next, Icy will eat the food and tell us exactly what it tastes like. The food will be given a rating of 1 to 5, with 5 being the best. Let's get eating!

First up on the list... Spicy Juppie Cheese! This is a bright red cheese that simply radiates an air of heat and spiciness. Green Juppie specs dot its exterior. One nibble on those and you'll be begging for water like someone who's been lost in the desert for days. Farmers grow these in Meridell and sprinkle their juices around the fields to keep out pests. Icy, what do you say?

Icy: Good googly moogly, this is spicy! I can feel my taste buds melting off! Mmm... but what a delicious aftertaste! It's actually like the cheese toward the middle is cooling my mouth. Alright... 3.

Smiley: Smoked Snorkle Cheese -- I can't imagine why someone would buy such an expensive item and then use it to make inexpensive cheese! Snorkle Snouts are so rare... anyway! On with the eating.

Icy: ...

Smiley: Icy, what are you doing?

Icy: I thought I might get the avatar...

Smiley: First of all... no. Second of all, get on with it!

Icy: Alright, it's... very chewy. Gummy. I don't like it. It has a fleshy sort of taste. I'm giving this a 2.

Smiley: Harsh?

Icy: You try it! You'll agree!

Smiley: No. Moving on... Triple Mustard Cheese -- well, this is a rarity! Three kinds of mustard in one cheese. And actually... it's kind of goopy. Triple Mustard Cheese doesn't have the regular cheese consistency. It's more like old, crusty mustard that's still wet on the inside. We'll give it a chance though. Icy?

Icy: Just like you said. Chewy on the outside, wet on the inside. Actually... *grabs discarded Snorkle Cheese* I bet I could... yes! I've made the perfect sandwich! Alright, I'm giving the Triple Mustard Cheese and Smoked Snorkle Cheese single ratings of 2 each, but a combined rating of 4, because this is one tasty sandwich!

Smiley: Honey Cheese -- well, here's a Yurble's favourite. They are renowned for loving honey, and adding a bit of cheesy flavour makes this one snack no Yurble could refuse. This is quite sticky, though... I recommend handling it with some sort of paper with a waxy feeling to it, as that shouldn't stick as badly. Supposedly, farmers harvest this honey from only the most mature Buzzers.

Icy: So sweet and tasty... definitely a 5. There's nothing wrong with this cheese, aside from a little mess.

Smiley: Next up... Big Beefy Cheese! This cheese just demands an announcer kind of voice for its name. This is definitely one large cheese. Not recommended for the feint of heart... or vegetarians.

Icy: That's kind of... revolting. Seriously.

Smiley: Just eat it. You'll be alright.

Icy: Is stuck in the bathroom for the rest of the day considered alright?

Smiley: Yes.

Icy: This is very... beefy. Alright, I can't give this one a high score because it's just too much meat for me. I'll give it a 3, because it can't possibly satisfy all Neopians out there. Sure, Grarrls and Skeiths might find it yummy, but I just can't.

Smiley: Purple Spotted Cheese -- sneakiest cheese in the bunch... this is obviously some sort of Jhudora treat. We're not sure how it got down here, but Meridell farmers definitely don't make it. Every month a box of this stuff mysteriously shows up in their storehouses. No one really knows where it comes from!

Icy: Great. Alright... oh, sick! This tastes like mold!

Smiley: Icy, don't you know that all cheese--

Icy: Alright, definitely a 1. I would rate it lower, but I can't! Hurry up and bring out the next cheese so I can get this Jhudora taste out of my mouth!

Smiley: Brain Cheese -- wow! This does look more like sausages!

Icy: *rolling eyes* Give it here. Good grief. This is... not bad, actually. It has a spooky sort of taste.

Smiley: Which reminds me. This cheese is actually harvested from the Brain Tree every winter!

Icy: Oh, gross! I thought you said it was sausage?!

Smiley: I said it looked like sausage. Rating?

Icy: Bleh. Alright, well... a 4. It was pretty good.

Smiley: Okay... Alkenore Cheese -- let's see... no Alkenores were actually put into this cheese! However, it still has ears. That seems a little suspicious. This is the cheese that Neopians always include when planning high-class parties or celebrations. A true black-tie cheese.

Icy: It's so light! And... not too cheesy. It would make a good spread for crackers. A definite 5.

Smiley: Next, Mutated Cheese -- tentacles and horns... what more could one possibly ask for in cheese? You can recognise this cheese by its periwinkle colour, two large skeletal antennae, and the ripe smell it gives off even from a few yards away.

Icy: I'm not eating that.

Smiley: Hurry up before it eats you.

Icy: No, seriously, I-- *has cheese shoved into mouth* Ahhhhh! It burns! It's terrible! It tastes like old milk and rotten tomatoes mixed together!

Smiley: There you have it, folks... a 1. Next up we have Quadruple Fudge Cheese -- another fancypants cheese, this commonly accompanies Alkenore Cheese on exquisite dining tables. It appears to be a chocolate cheese with a large pile of fudge on the top.

Icy: Oh... it's so good! Let me just--

Smiley: No, you have to save room for the rest. Rate it.

Icy: Another bite or you don't get a rating.

Smiley: *hands cheese over*

Icy [After Eating Entire Cheese]: I give it a 5. Lovely fudge filling.

Smiley: Alright, now let's check out the Bubbling Blueberry Cheese -- strangely enough, both this cheese and the fudge cheese are described as being “just the kind of cheese you would want to roll down a hill with!” Is this a hint about playing Cheeseroller? And why exactly is it bubbling?

Icy: I don't care; it's delicious! I'll give it a 4, since the bubbling does feel a little strange as it goes down your throat.

Smiley: Alright, our next cheese is Brick Cheese -- it appears... that they simply cemented various dark cheeses together. This is not actually made of concrete or anything else of the like.

Icy: Great! I'll eat it. Wow... it tastes very dry. Sticks to your mouth and tongue, like eating dust. No, I give it a 2.

Smiley: Okay, Overgrown Cheese -- this is a leafy cheese with a surprisingly large number of fans. It's--

Icy: You mean, the fans are overgrowing expectations?

Smiley: No, but your jokes are overgrowing their welcome. Anyway, this cheese has plants growing all over its surface. Sometimes, if you get a little lucky, you might even find a four-leaf clover! How's it taste, Icy?

Icy: Like salad, with extra cheese. Pretty good. I'll give it... a 3.

Smiley: Peppermint Cheese -- What a treat! Another rare cheese! It smells wonderful. Peppermint Cheese is completely white with a strong, minty smell that is perfect for the holidays.

Icy: This is pretty good. I'll give it a 4. I think the Fudge Cheese would compliment it perfectly.

Smiley: Heavy Bark Cheese... this is actually just wood, contrary to popular belief. One Meridell farmer was having trouble getting his Babaa Petpet to brush its teeth, so he invented this "cheese." He fed it to his unfortunate Petpet, which lost all its teeth. Thus, no more stinky Babaa breath.

Icy: Lovely. I think I'll just... lick it. *licks* Ah! My tooth fell out anyway! What an awful cheese! 1!

Smiley: Moving on... Furry Chocomint Cheese. This cheese was actually invented when a farmer's Walking Carpet Petpet fell into a vat of Quadruple Fudge Cheese. Add a little Peppermint Cheese, and you have Furry Chocomint Cheese!

Icy: Ewww... do I have to? That fur will get stuck in my teeth. Here goes... yup, that's disgusting. I'll give it a 2. The flavour is nice, but the texture is terrible. Like eating my owner's shoes.

Smiley: Okay, Warty Blue Cheese -- this cheese was created with the help of Edna. As the story goes, she came to play Potato Counter one day, lost her temper, and cursed an entire vat of cheese. However, the colours of this cheese (blue and yellow) looked so charming together that the farmer kept it anyway and used it in his window display. It's highly sought after for its aesthetic appeal.

Icy: It looks like that old lady from down the street... I guess it's not so bad, once you get over the fact that it tastes like feet. It'll give it a 2.

Smiley: Now we have Fragrant Ummagcheese -- imported ingredients straight from the Lost Desert make this cheese very highly valuable. Thirty tasty Ummagines go into the cheese vault, and one cheese wheel comes out. Not a fair trade, unless you ask the lucky tastebuds that get to eat it.

Icy: Hmmm... a unique flavour for cheese. It's a bit dry. I guess we can attribute that to the land it originates from. Still, the fruity flavour is pleasant. A 4.

Smiley: Gooey Snot Cheese... Meuka's special creation--

Icy: I'm not eating that. You can't be serious. Do I even need to eat that? No. I can rate it just by looking at it. A 1.

Smiley: I see you digging for lost treasure all the time in your own nose! What's so different about this one?

Icy: Alright, first of all... I do not. Second of all, that's someone else's! *begins to walk off*

Smiley: But you still have to try the Tyrannian Dung--

Icy: That's a 1 too. My job is done here.

Well, there you have it, folks. It seems your top cheeses are the Quadruple Fudge and Alkenore, with Bubbling Blueberry and Peppermint coming in second. Stay away from the Heavy Bark, along with anything else that doesn't look edible. Basically, my dear readers, use common sense when you go cheese-shopping in Meridell. Stay tuned for more medieval food reviews, and remember -- never be afraid to try something new!