*Burp* Turmy's Ten Tastiest Petpets

     (furrows brow)

     *sniff* *sniff* Does someone DARE enter my kingdom smelling like smoked vanilla and dandelion? It makes my scales itchy and my stomach sick! *bleh*

     (spins around)

     Oh! *BUUURRRP* How impolite of me. I didn’t realize that I was in the company of some lovely Neopian guests. The name is Turmaculus, but I also go by Turmy, for short. As we only just met, I’d much prefer that you refer to me by my formal title, the King of Petpets. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

     While I have your attention, my dear guest, I do have to say that you Neopians are pretty insane. *hiccup* All day long, while I slumber, you bang pots and pans, chuck buckets of water, and even sneeze on me in an effort to try and wake me up. Don’t you have any manners? Recently, I have become aware that the reason you Neopians intrude on my naps is all because of one elusive avatar—one that requires that I actually eat your beloved Petpets!

     I am quite the foodie, or, as some may say, a gourmand. Not many know this about me, but I hold an honorary lifetime membership at the Gourmet Food Club. Due to my sophisticated palate, I simply won’t eat just any Petpet, such as your dear Frankie, Goober, or Schnukums. Thus, I have compiled a list of the ten tastiest Petpets (according to my highly selective taste buds) so that you may maximize your chances of earning that ever-elusive avatar… *grumble* …and so that my tummy never has to grumble again.

     Now, before someone decides to alert the Petpet Protection League, shall we begin?

     DISCLAIMER: Results will vary. Do NOT test this with your beloved Petpets!

      Potato Rock

     Potatoes! Who doesn’t love potatoes? I, for one, LOVE potatoes—I am Meridellian after all. Whenever I catch a whiff of this tubular Petpet, my heart sings! “Boil ‘em! Mash ‘em! Stick ‘em in a stew!” Honestly, if more of you Neopians presented me with these spud-like Petpets, then maybe the farmers over in Meri Acres wouldn’t be so mad at me for digging up their taters every now and again…

     Slugawoo

     If the Potato Rock takes me back to my humble and rustic beginnings, then the Slugawoo is the type of refined snack only fit for a king. Being aquatic in nature, Slugawoos are quite rare in these parts and are considered to be a delicacy. It is said that King Skarl ordered a platter of five hundred Slugawoo to celebrate the defeat of the Citadel. Oh, how I just love to slurp them right out of the shell, especially when they are served with parsley, garlic, and butter from Kau Kau Farms. Now, if you would be so kind as to fetch me one… *wink*

     Hoagie Kadoatie

     Imagine how surprised I was when I was munching on a sandwich (or so I thought) and a Kadoatie’s head poked right out the top! Was it taking a nap in there? I don’t know. What I do know is that when I scarfed the hoagie down in one bite, I was taken to Flavourville. Now I cannot imagine eating a hoagie sandwich without a Kadoatie inside. They are the perfect snack for days in which I want to lie in my muddy, king-sized bed all day. Although, Kadoaties can get quite loud (and Turmy gets annoyed when they start to wail), the taste is certainly worth the earache.

     Deviled Egg Goldy

     Even an oversized Petpet with hillbilly roots like me can appreciate a good hors d'oeuvre. One of the best hors d’oeuvres is the Deviled Egg Goldy. The only time I have ever had the privilege of tasting one of these elegant creations was when I attended King Hagan’s coronation in nearby Brightvale and, trust me, the experience was unforgettable. The Goldy’s salty and umami flavours actually become bolder when tucked inside the creamy egg white. *drool* I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have dreams of tasting another Deviled Egg Goldy someday… Chef’s kiss!

     Berry Jelly Blobikins

     One lazy Sunday, I had the craziest thing happen. I was deep in slumber, per usual, but in my dreams I kept wandering to Illusen’s Glade and munching on the many berries that grow there. I soon became so overwhelmed by a syrupy aroma that I woke up to find the strangest Petpet in front of me. I didn’t know what it was—it looked like a non-cube, gelatinous blob with all sorts of berries suspended in its gummy body. A breeze blew by and its body jiggled, which helped me realize that it was made out of jelly (because, after all, jam don’t shake). With one swift and gooey bite, I learned just how scrumptious Berry Jelly Blobikins can be! You know what? This might sound crazy, but wouldn’t it be cool if there were a whole world made out of jelly?

     Jinjah

     During the Month of Celebrating, one of my favorite snacks is the Jinjah. These delectable little Petpets look just like gingerbread men (and taste twice as good!) You wouldn’t believe it, but they come in all sorts of flavours too! The Red Jinjah tastes like peppermint bark, whereas the Halloween Jinjah carries notes of orange spice. Regardless of flavour, all Jinjahs pair well with a nice, tall glass of Jinjah Ale!

     Picnic Geb

     Contrary to popular belief, there are six food groups, not five. They include: fruits, veggies, grains, protein, dairy, and… pizza! Thanks to Trudy’s Surprise, I’ve recently been able to try the latest innovation in Petpet cuisine, the Picnic Geb. The typical Geb resembles a pyramid, but the Picnic Geb comes with extra pepperoni and green pepper toppings. It tastes just like a real slice of pizza! Whether you prefer pan pizza or deep dish, I can assure you that all pizza lovers will find the Picnic Geb to be a pleasant surprise (albeit a little sandy).

     Apple Spyder

     Believe it or not, I am not Neopia’s only gigantic gourmand. The only entity in Neopia whose palate can hold a candle to mine is the Esophagor. After years of being long-time pen pals, I decided to pay that swampy ghoul a visit. It was while I was lumbering through the Haunted Woods that I happened upon the most peculiar delight. Descending down from the tree cover by the thinnest of threads, was an Apple Spyder. Yes, you heard me right. A Spyder, but in apple form! Without hesitation, I gobbled up the adorable little morsel. Granny Smith, Honeycrisp, McIntosh. None of those apple varieties compare to the fruity explosion inside my mouth. When I finally reached the Esophagor’s bog, I told him about my discovery. His response? BRIINNNGGG MEE FOOOOODDDD! *eyeroll*

     Birthday Meepit

     Every year around Petpet Appreciation Day, I get asked about my favorite treat to celebrate the occasion. Red Velvet? Too rich. Carrot? Too healthy. Vanilla? Too boring. My favorite type of treat for any occasion is the Birthday Meepit. While on the surface it might appear to be a simple vanilla sponge topped with strawberry frosting and rainbow sprinkles, the Meepit adds a flavour that I can’t quite describe. Sort of tastes like server maintenance and a hint of evil? Hmmmm. Not sure. The best part? Its bite-sized portion. *gulp*

     Salad Slorg

     As I grow older, Illusen says that I need to pay closer attention to what I eat. In my youth, I would eat far too much junk food. Unfortunately, for those on a Petpet-only diet, there simply aren’t many healthy options. Once, I tried to eat a Mutant Powtry, but sadly, I cannot stand the taste of broccoli. However, this new salad place opened up beside the Castle called SaladGreen and a brave little Neopian let me sample one of their signature creations, the Salad Slorg. I’ve been obsessed ever since! The Slorg’s slime is the perfect dressing, unifying the ensemble of lettuce, tomatoes, and shredded carrot. The best part? Whenever my tummy grumbles, I can have it delivered right to my door—err, puddle of mud—using Dung Dash.

          Well, there you have it—a list of the ten tastiest Petpets according to me, Turmy. Hopefully, now that you have some guidance, I’ll be rewarded with one of these delectable morsels when awoken from my slumber, and hopefully you will be rewarded with that pesky little avatar too.

     (pause)

     Well? What are you waiting for? Fetch me one of those Petpets—chop, chop! I hear that there’s a teeny, tiny chance that I may be awake in an hour!