King Skarl: Grumpy Old King or Polite Gentleman?

I arrive at King Skarl's castle at around 2:30 pm; he should be finished eating by now and will probably be more willing to go along with the interview- or at least be too full to run away... I walk up to the big wooden doors and knock politely. "Enter!" bellows a deep booming voice. Well, here goes nothing. I push open the doors while quickly strapping on my hard hat- you never know what King Skarl might throw at you. Literally.

King Skarl is sitting on his throne looking if possible, grumpier than usual. I smile nervously; he glares back.

Typ: Hello, I'm Typerofdoom and I'm here to interview you about the... uh, mood disorder you seem to be having.

The king glowers.

King: Just get this over with and get out of my sight.

Typ: Ummmmm... Alrighty then, I guess we should get started.

Typ: So, let's get right to the point, why are you still so grumpy? I mean the war's long over- shouldn't you be celebrating with feasts and parties, or maybe holding some kind of vegetable carnival or something?

K: *sighs* first of all, I've ALREADY celebrated and had feasts and parties and balls and carnivals and festivals and so on. Second, I have so much to do nowadays what with this uneasy truce and all the other duties of being king that I have no time for any more parties!

Typ: Oh. Sorry to hear that, your majesty.

K: You should be. *mutters to himself* Ungrateful little...

Typ: Next question, have you ever considered taking anger management courses or stress relief clinics?

K: Are you kidding? I barely have time to sleep around here let alone take *snorts* anger management courses. But I do subscribe to Neoyoga Weekly Magazine - I find yoga quite relaxing...

Typ: *tries hard to look interested* Hmmm, I see. Do you have any advice for all those Neopians suffering from ... *ahem* mood disorders?

K: Well I... I guess you could do some yoga or maybe listen to some nice relaxing music. I find listening to greatest hits rather soothing... uh, of course, I only listen to it when my... uh, young nieces come to visit. *shifty eyes*

Typ: So you admit having a mood disorder?

King Skarl chokes on some unknown object.

K: *sputter, wheeze* Of course not! That’s preposterous! Mood disorder... *snort*

Typ: Are you sure?

K: *glowers evilly* Do you want me to call the guards?

Typ: Okay, Okay! Heh heh, no need to get upset or anything, just doing my job...

K: Watch yourself or you won’t have a subject for your “job”.

Typ: *wipes sweat from brow* Point taken. What makes you happiest/least stressed?

K: Oh that’s an easy one! I’m most happy while I’m enjoying a fabulous home cooked Meridell style meal surrounded by my family (including my brother king Hagan) and my loyal subjects.

King Skarl’s eyes glaze over and he happily stares off into space, no doubt imagining that colorfully described happy moment.

Typ: What’s 5x5?

K: *looks at me sternly* 25. Believe it or not I am actually quite smart.

Typ: Okay, what’s 221x17?

The king picks up a paper weight and takes aim...

Typ: Did I just say that? So sorry, I meant to say: are you usually this gru- kind and polite to all of your interviewers?

K: *beams proudly* Why yes, I’m glad to say I am. I’m quite the gentleman really.

Typ: Uh, okay then, what type of joke makes you laugh?

K: *rolls eyes* My, that's original, never heard that one before.

Typ: Heh heh, sorry, had to ask... So, what makes you angriest/grumpiest?

K: Hmmm, well, I guess it would have to be when petty thieves sneak into my castle and try to steal my wonderful treasure! That just ticks me off!

Typ: I do see how that would be annoying, how old are you?

K: *shifty eyes* I'm uh, *ahem* 29 years old.

Typ: Uh huh *cough cough* yeah right.

K: EXCUSE ME?

Typ: I meant that sincerely! I really, really did! *adjusts hard hat nervously*

King Skarl glares.

Typ: Alright, alright! Last question; why are you so grumpy?

K: *rolls eyes* I believe you've already asked that question.

Typ: I know, I know, I just want people to be extra clear on this...

K: *sigh* You know what, I tired of lying to everyone; I have a confession to make. I'm not actually a grumpy person... I just do it for the publicity.

Typ: You mean... YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY GRUMPY?

K: Of course not, who could be grumpy all the time? I do it because Neopians like trying to make me happy, they get prizes and neopoints and in return, they give Meridell a great tourism industry! Really, I'm surprised people didn't figure this out earlier...

Typ: Well I'll be blueberried...

K: You very well will be if I you don't get on out of here soon, I've got things to do, you know...

Typ: One last question? Pretty please?

King Skarl sighs.

Typ: Do you think you could, maybe, uh you know... donate a bit of treasure to a very needy Neopian citizen? *does puppy eyes*

K: *shakes head disgustedly* Just go...

So ended my interview with Meridell's own King Skarl. Just when we were starting to get along too... Ah well, some friendships just weren't meant to be...

But still, wow. Pretty incredible huh. HALLELUJAH, the Grumpy Old King isn't grumpy! I mean, how could he be? There's a big beautiful world out there, see for yourself! HOORAY! And with that I end my article feeling quite triumphant. Now, if I could just get it published...