Total Randomness

But these collections of facts don’t quite give us all the facts that we desire. It’s all well and good that The Space Faerie saved the planet from Dr Sloth’s Mutation Ray and we all know that the Pant Devil enjoys stealing items from his victims. These guides may help us to find information about the selected individual we are looking up on but do they really fill our need to know? Well for me they don’t. There are just some really important questions the Neopedia forgets to ask; those few minor details that would really help us understand the character more. We want to know who Kauvara’s favourite band to see at the Tyrannian Concert Hall is? Where The Tax Beast likes to spend his holidays? We wish to know what Dr Frank Sloth’s choice of pizza topping would be whilst hanging with his friends at his neohome? Almost certainly PIZZA OF DEATH but who knows, he may be partial to a bit of Banana and Kiwi.

Well with these questions and many more I set out to find the answers. I read countless books, talked to Neopian after Neopian and I found the answer to many of them. Rather then keep these answers to myself I have decided to share them so you can also fulfil your desire for knowledge. What you are about to read is my little guide to complete random facts about famous Neopians. It’s a working title, I hope to think of a new one soon but until then it will have to do. Yes, prepare to be amazed at some of the most interesting and insane facts about famous Neopians, which you never thought you would learn. Well go on then, start preparing.

The Good

Jeran – He may be Meridells’ number one hero but that doesn’t mean he spends all his time fighting the bad guys. According to one source, he’s a bit of a softie and is and avid Usuki collector.

’The guy loves his Usukis, he has a massive collection that fills his neohome. I’ve only seen it once, he doesn’t really like people knowing about his collection.’

I wonder why. You don’t exactly expect Jeran, Meridell Champion, to collect dolls, now do you. I bet he has the Jeran Usuki Set so he can dress his dolls like him. All together now, ahhhh!

Kauvara – Not many people know this but the super brewer who owns the Neopian Magic Shop is a massive Sticks N Stones fan. So much so that she goes to almost every single concert of theirs in Tyrannian. Some of her customers even say that when you visit the Magic Shop in Neopia Central you can here the faint sound of a Sticks N Stones CD coming from the back of the shop. Rock on Kauvara!

The Soup Faerie – Wonder why The Soup Faerie only serves up her world-renowned soup to those hungry Neopets. Simple, she can’t cook anything else to save her life.

I really do try but nothing other then my soup comes out right. My cookies always come out burnt and don’t even get me started on my cakes. I keep trying new types of food but they always end in disaster.’

Maybe she should take a trip down to Neopian Central and pick up and cookbook from the bookshop. Preferably not ‘Cooking with Petpets’. Imagine it, ‘Buzzer and Triffin Surprise’, sounds delicious.

King Coltzan III – The death of The Lost Deserts’ greatest king is steeped in mystery, however we no little about his life either. We may all know about his brave defeat against that Monocerous or the time he rescued Princess Lightfoot but what about his personal life. Although people in The Lost Desert were reluctant to speak about the private life of Coltzan I did get one thing out of them. Apparently he was a massive Disco Fan. One former advisor said:

‘Thank goodness that Lupes cannot be painted with the Disco Fever Paint Brush or he would have certainly hung up his royal robes and get painted Disco. Can you picture a physcadelic Lupe ruling over our beautiful kingdom? I certainly can’t.’

Scholars have forever been trying to reveal the secret message that is encrypted on the King’s shrine but according to some it may just mean ‘Disco will rule forever.’ I always knew that Coltzan was a groovy king but not that much.

Now we have looked at the good guys in Neopia, it’s now time to look at those who can be found in The Gallery of Evil. Well most can anyway.

The Bad

The Tax Beast – The so named ‘evil little imp’ wanders around Neopia demanding a share of your neopoints for himself. However, if you spot him on Kiko Lake he probably isn’t there to get his little mits on your well-earned cash. During his time off (which according to him isn’t often) ‘The Beast’ likes to holiday by the beautiful lake.

’I love Kiko Lake, its just so relaxing and really gives me the time to forget about work. Well apart from the Neopets who assume I am after their neopoints. That can be very irritating seeing as I am just trying to enjoy my vacation.’

So if you spot The Tax Beast by Kiko Lake - lazing on the beach or taking a Glass Bottom Boat Tours then there is no need to worry, he just wants a nice peaceful holiday away from work. Any other time, just run.

The Pant Devil – This mischievous fellow is famed for stealing anything from his victims. Well almost anything. According to one of his victims he won’t go near a Smelly Sardine Wrap.

’I was walking home from The Haunted Woods with the Wrap when I was attacked by The Pant Devil. He was going to steal my food from me when his face went green. He looked like he was going to be sick. Then he just floated off and I was left to enjoy the yummy Sardines.’

So now you know what to do when The Pant Devil corners you and tries to steal an item. Just show him your Smelly Sardine Wrap and he will run (or float in his case) like a little baby.

Ghost Lupe – Not content with scaring innocent Neopians, word has it that the long departed knight would love to set up his own business in Neopia Central. What type of shop he wishes to set up is yet to be seen but apparently it has been a long afterlife ambition of his. Good luck to you, I say.

Borovan – Adam, evil? You may be asking why Borovan has managed to get in to the Evil section of my guide. Well wait till you here this then your know why. According to a source there is more to Adam’s love of asparagus then you might think. According to this informer Adam plans to use asparagus to take over the whole of Neopia. How you might be asking. With a massive Asparagus Powered Ray Gun of course. To protect my source she will only be named as Donna X. Actually wait. Call her X Williams. Good luck trying to work out who it is.

Well there you have it, my little guide to complete random facts about famous Neopians (I really tried but I just couldn’t think of another title). Who knows there may even be more to come. I have only scratched the surface of random facts. There are many more Neopians out there that we know too little about. Oh and for anyone wondering about Sloth’s favourite pizza topping, I really did try but it’s just too hard to get an interview with an evil genius these days. I still reckon its PIZZA OF DEATH, but its not for sure. I’ll just have to wait till next time.