A Message to All Darigan Pets

It is I, Lord Kass, and I am putting forward this message to all you minions of darkness to reply to my summons and to return to your rightful home (that is, Darigan Citadel). If you have become stranded on some unknown island such as the “Mystery” Island or got lost in the “Lost” Desert, do not fear, my friends! If you take a trip to Kiko Lake, I have inconspicuously placed a convenient ship labeled, “For all minions to return to Darigan Citadel” which will take you back. Limited stock available, conditions apply. Thank you for stopping at Kass’s Ship Loans.

If that ship has departed without you, do not despair! I have placed a ship in enemy waters. Why? Because I had two options. Option one was to hide the ship in an extremely obvious place so that because it’s so obvious, no one would think of looking there. My second option was to hide it in a very non-obvious spot, where because it’s such a hard to find place, no one would look there either. Naturally, I chose the latter, thus we will be able to continue on with our wondrous plan. This second ship is in Faerieland, behind the fence thing surrounding the main castle of pink and purple.

If you have missed that ship as well, send me a neomail and I’ll try arrange something else. But please, not a million neomails; quite frankly, I don’t give a hoot about that strange “Neomail Addict” avatar or whatever it’s called. I’m happy with my “Lord Kass” avatar. You should be too.

Recently, I conducted a little experiment, and am extremely disturbed by the figures and facts I have since received. Did you know that now there are seventeen different worlds up against us, with the exception of Darigan Citadel? Truly, utterly alarming. There are rumors about a certain world made of jelly but honestly, no such thing exists.

Out of those seventeen worlds, 99.9% of them are entirely pure. This means you are all living in entirely “pure” atmospheres seeing as not many of you dwell here in Darigan Citadel anymore. This is wrong. Do you remember what a Darigan pet is? Just because we have purple, red or yellow skin, fur or scales does not mean we don’t look like intimidating Darigan pets.

Let me impale into your minds that we are strong and deadly. Those Neopians who stand before us should cower in fear rather than offer their own pets for our servitude and pets shouldn’t be within a ten mile radius of us at all times unless they wish to provoke a fight.

But why is it that we’re all returning? The answer is fairly simple. Your color, the alluring Darigan, had been created to manifest the looks of evil. Pets were supposed to tremble before you, owners were meant to run away screaming from you, flowers were supposed to wilt before your piercing gazes and you were supposed to be dangerous, elusive. None of this has happened.

In fact, all you Darigan pets should be aware of how degrading this whole mess is. Owners call you “cute”, “adorable”, “awesome” and expensive, though I do agree with the latter – genius isn’t cheap. The rest of those listed phrases should be used for something more sinisterly freakish, like faerie pets.

This is not how our life should be.

Our true life is plotting evil plans which always backfire and buying the cheapest mysterious black fog from the Trading Post in order to keep our beloved citadel looking spooky and shrouded in mystery.

Upon arrival, I have drawn up a timetable of our daily routine(s) so that you can feel more (un)comfortable about coming back.

7:00 am NST: Do nothing

7:30 am NST: Watch the skies for any possible recruitments of evil flying meepit minions

8:00 am NST: Create the rough draft of an evil plan

8:30 am NST: Finalize the draft of evil plan

9:00 am NST: Present the evil plan to your fellow evil minions and all cackle evilly in absolute evilness

9:30 am NST: Anonymously call the Defender of Neopia Headquarters and ask if they’re willing to hire you as their next evil villain (don’t forget to mention that you have a plot)

10:00 am NST: Most likely, you’ll have to destroy all evidence because they’ll just decide to spring a surprise attack on you

11:30 am NST: Drink neocola (it’s good)

12:00 am NST: Play Cellblock while trying to interrogate the prisoners for useful information

12:30 am NST: Think of a new evil plan

1: 00 pm NST: Go tell Lord Kass what a great leader he is

1:30 pm NST: Bump off any intruders – no need for healing potions

2:00 pm NST: Practice glaring at mirrors until they crack

2:30 pm NST: Neomail your owner and tell them you’re fine while plotting a way to take over Neopia

3:00 pm NST: Feed Rex (you know who he is)

3:30 pm NST: Read the Neopian Times for good ideas for evil plots

4:00 pm NST: Play Kass’s version of “Kass Basher” which is known as “King Skarl Basher”

4:30 pm NST: Remember that you forgot to do your dailies and dash around fulfilling them

5:00 pm NST: Wonder why there is only one game available in Darigan Citadel (Cellblock)

5:30 pm NST: Eat asparagus (it makes you stronger – and other pets cringe away from you in terror)

6:00 pm NST: Reflect on such a gloomy day

6:30 pm NST: Haunt the Haunted Woods for fun

7:00 pm NST: Taunt Roo Island that you beat them last year at the Altador Cup

7:30 pm NST: Beg the Healing Faerie to heal you because all the Roo Islanders have thrown DARIGAN yooyuballs at you

8:00 pm NST: Return to Darigan Citadel

8:30 pm NST: Plot your revenge on Roo Island

9:00 pm NST: Make a mental note to ask Fyora why she sells Darigan paint brushes in the Hidden Tower when she’s your arch enemy

9:30 pm NST: Remember that you can’t walk on the clouds in Faerieland so you decide against asking her

10:00 pm NST: Go to sleep

Of course, this is just a guideline, but it is fairly successful. I, for one, enjoy partaking in this timetable, which is why I told you about it. And do you know the best part about this routine? You can do it again in the morning.

How can you not want that? You’re fed soup from the kitchen FAERIE – a mortal enemy. You flounce around wearing ridiculous clothing from hot dogs to potato sacks to even Christmas tree decorations! And, the worst of all, just for a flimsy 3000 NP a day, you humiliate me by whacking a puppet of myself as far as you can go in Meridell. Have you forgotten that we just finished a war with them? You do not need to celebrate their victory by smacking crude replicas of me. Actually, you shouldn’t hit anything that resembles me at all.

But there is chance for redemption and forgiveness. Return to your true home and I shall take you in as if nothing has happened! I will ignore all your past wrongs and hope that you will never bring it up ever again. As I always say: Relent and Repent!

Oh and the pain of seeing faeries come visit Darigan Citadel! You bring your little sisters and brothers along for visits to Darigan Citadel, allowing them to litter our beautiful lump of an island with neocola cans and whatnot. If you have forgotten, I will kindly remind you that Darigan Citadel floats many, many feet above ground and that if you dare bring your siblings along for absolutely no apparent reason, would you kindly “bump” them off?

On that happy note, I repeat my request for us all to unite together and to conquer this overwhelmingly overbalanced world of purity and affection. Remember to feed and train your meepits; our time will come again.

From the best leader any place could ever have or dream of having,

Lord Kass

P.S. And dear minions? Don’t be rash and tell your owner about this or put it up in the Neopian Times for that matter. We want to be silent, deadly, and give no clues away. Remember, less is more!

P.P.S. What does it mean if something says: “Your article, ‘A Message to All Darigan Pets’ has been successfully submitted”?

A few weeks later, a new message had appeared in the Neopian Times:

ALERT ALL DARIGAN PETS,

Lord Kass has withdrawn both ships to Darigan Citadel due to an unfortunate ‘leak’ of his secret plot. All trips planned have been terminated until further notice. Thank you.