A Guide to the Non-Existent Hidden Tower

This is a small guide to some of the consequences of a few Hidden Tower objects that might have us groaning in despair because we either lack the NP, or we find ourselves without any NP because we spent it all on these tempting objects. Warning: the Hidden Tower often causes drooling, crying, the tearing out of hair, the gnashing of teeth, and an empty pocket. Don’t say I didn’t warn you...

1. Everlasting Apple- 990,000 NP

Pros- Imagine clearing out your inventory of all those endless omelettes, glowing jellies, and scrawny fish and having just one food that constantly and magically replenishes itself!! And think of all that saved NP that could go to bigger and better things...

Cons- it might seem nice at first, but then you’ll hear our pets start to complain. They’re getting sick of apple after apple after apple, and they will start daydreaming about the good old days with the freebie omelettes and so forth... After all, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but multiple apples every day can’t be good...

2. Baby Paint Brush- 600,000 NP

Pros- who wouldn’t love an adorable baby neopet at their side day after day, to squeeze if you’re sad, happy, scared, or otherwise bored. And plus, imagine going to parties and having everyone come up to you in awe and jealousy, them wishing their neopet could be as cute as yours...

Cons- maybe your neopet doesn’t want to look cute! Maybe their inner personality would much prefer a zombie or a grey paintbrush. Plus, getting squeezed all the time would give anyone a headache!! Not to mention the fact that being a baby your whole life would be rather tiresome, and that constant craving for milk would drive anyone crazy...

3. Bagguss Bomb- 1,750,000 NP

Pros- you shall annihilate your enemies in the Battledome. You shall make your name feared in every corner of the battle arena, known as the “Oh mighty Bagguss bomber”. Then you shall truly know the definition of glory...

Cons- Come on, it’s a Bagguss! There are other things you can get that would surely strike much more fear into neopet’s hearts. Plus, if your neopet gets a little hungry, it might mistake the bomb for food. Then you shall have a truly interesting dilemma on your hands...

4. Assorted battle dung- all are 5,000,000 NP

Pros- You shall win all fights in the Battledome, since all pets will surrender because of the dreadful smell. And if they don’t surrender then, then they will once they’re covered with it.

Cons- But where are you going to keep it? Certainly not in your home, unless you find the smell of dung invigorating, or if you are an inhabitant of Tyrannia. And you don’t want to stink up your Safety Deposit Box or your inventory, where your food is kept. My advice, if you were to happen upon this rare dung, is to sell it and buy something more worthwhile.

5. Rainbow Clockwork Grundo- 3,400,000 NP

Pros- Oh, how fun! A nice, colorful toy to help you around the house and entertain you! Would could be better? After all, it seems to think for itself...

Cons- it might be fun playing with it at first, but after a while, what if it starts to give you orders, and you start to obey it, because it has done so much for you? But what if, after some time, you start mindlessly obeying its orders, and you slowly but steadily become incapable of conscious thought, and you and your neopets become slaves to the whims of this seemingly harmless toy? Just be careful...

6. The Grimoire of Thade- 5,000,000 NP

Pros- Ah, who wouldn’t love to know the secret behind the infamous Eliv Thade’s beyond genius mind? You could win every puzzle game in Neopia, have tons of trophies, and become revered everywhere! You would be called “The New Thade”...

Cons- ...which may not be a good thing. Remember that one puzzle that sent him spiraling into madness just because he couldn’t solve it? And who knows? It may turn out to be one of those books where your pets say, “That is like such a boring book!” to.

7. The Rainbow Swirly Thing- 3, 653,000 NP

Pros- There are Battledomers out there who say that this beautiful amulet has helped them extraordinarily through various situations. Imagine the look on your opponent’s face when a powerful spell of fire is deflected off of you ...

Cons- But then again, what if it does nothing at all? A pretty big waste of NP, that’s what you’d get. And what if you stare at its hypnotic beauty for too long? You are getting very sleepy...

8. Amulet of Thilg- 8,500,000 NP

Pros- Oh, this will surely scare the snot out of that bully who stole your lunch last Tuesday. An amulet so powerful that all who wear it mysteriously disappear... and just imagine its assets in the Battledome!

Cons- But you could just as easily be taken by this amulet’s eerie power as well. My advice is to leave this amulet where it belongs... alone.

9. Mask of Coltzan- 3,700,000 NP

Pros- Oh, boy, wouldn’t this look impressive on my bedroom wall... and on my neopet’s face in the Battledome! That would be sweet...

Cons- On the other hand, maybe the spirit of Coltzan doesn’t want his mask on your bedroom wall or on your neopet’s head. And you really don’t want to antagonize spirits, because they, unlike you, cannot die. And you certainly don’t want to offend the locals of the Lost Desert either, because they, unlike you, have many more people and neopets on their side, so I wouldn’t cross them. Unless, of course, there is an “angry mob” avatar you want to obtain, but somehow I doubt it.

10. Squeezy Tombola Guy- 110,000 NP

Pros- It is by far the most affordable of everything in the Hidden Tower. And it really would look nice in a gallery... and it’s so squeezable...

Cons- Come off it!! How many Tombola-related items can you have?! I’ve seen far too many Tombola key chains for a lifetime... *sobs* It’s a little scary...

So that’s it. I hope this has saved a little grief and NP, but somehow I doubt it. I’ve probably just made Neopians even more curious, and as they say, curiosity kills the Kougra...