Why We Don't Need Our Faeries

I don’t think Balthazar would have been rounding up and bottling faeries for the last ten years if he didn’t think he was making Neopia a better place. I know Neopians have some strange hobbies but nobody’s going to win Neopets by cornering the bottled faerie market. In fact, think of all the time you’ve wasted putting up with these faeries’ silly demands. Consider ten of Neopia’s most annoying faeries; I don’t think anyone could have anticipated how great a Neopia without faeries would be.

One: The Air Faerie
OMG OMG I got a Faerie Quest... oh, never mind, it’s just an air faerie. I know these helpful air faeries keep us from having to spend codestones on training Agility stats, but they need to step aside and let a nice Dark Faerie or the Fountain Faerie get some quests in. Thanks for the offer, air faerie, but my Heavy Robe of Thievery already works and we all think it’s time you paid for your own shampoo. I won’t be held accountable for damages if my Elephante gets any faster than it currently is.

Two: The Grey Faerie
The star of the glummest parade of user lookups and petpages ever created. I can’t say more, it’s just too depressing.

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Three: The Battle Faerie
It might be unfair to put Valeane the Battle Faerie on this list. Maybe in her quest to teach us to defend ourselves in the Battledome she has just defeated all of the challengers that wish to do us harm. Could this be the real reason there have been no wars in recent Neopian history? Is the Battle Faerie just too good at her job, so everyone knows better than to start trouble, or is she neglecting her duties and spending all of her time passing out avatars when she should be out rustling up a fight?

Four: The Faerie Thief (Neoquest 2)
You’ve almost finished leveling up Rohane and his party of misfits, you’ve started to collect the weapons you need to defeat Terask, and you’ve trekked past an onslaught of bionic Cybunnies that just don’t take a hint that you don’t want to fight them. Now you just have to fight the Faerie Thief and you can attack the Faerie Palace-- oh wait, never mind, the Faerie Thief ran away; you’ll have to go find her again. You find her and defeat her again, now on to the Faerie Palace... what? She ran away AGAIN?! OMG can’t she just stay in one place and fight like everyone else!

Five: Year 11 Faerie Festival Prize Committee
Last Year’s Faerie Festival brought us the greatest weapons let-down since we found out the Elephante Attack Peanut didn’t do peanut icons. Fyoras Elixir only heals 3 or 10 hit points; I think we know why Fyora had so many of these potions lying around to use as prizes. It’s our own fault, really; just because the artwork is interesting we got our hopes up about it being an awesome weapon. Someday there will be an avatar for having two or three hundred of these items collecting dust in your safety deposit box and the Battledome Chat will all get the avatar on the day it’s released.

Six: Earth Faeries
I tend to speak from the Battledome community so I might be a little biased about earth faeries (and don’t take this wrong) but we do tend to spend a lot of time starving our pets to help with training. There’s nothing so rude as waving a doughnut in the face of someone on a strict training regimen, but here comes the earth faerie trying to make our pets full up when all they should be eating are snegg shakes. Illusen is cool (we like her staff) and Ilere of the Woods is just plain awesome, but she’s never shown up at my door demanding a potion that she could get for free from a water faerie.

Seven: Bottled Fire Faeries
If you guys would step up your blessing maybe more people would be inclined to let you out of those bottles. Ok, Fiery Gaze is nice and all but you know everyone prefers Diamond Dust. And it’s not like Fiery Gaze or Boil are the equal to Burrow (earth), Sink (dark), Restore (light), or Healing Vapour (water). As soon as I’m finished submitting this article, I’m going to let ten of you guys out of your bottles and put you on the Faerie Ability Improvement Committee. Show me something exciting before the end of the year or I’ll call in Balthazar.

Eight through Ten: Malice, Spite, and Vanity
The dreaded dark faerie sisters. Sure, they’re good for the occasionally funny Advent Calendar, but what have they done for us lately? I don’t see them torturing petpets or doing other awesome things and when was the last time they turned somebody to stone? Ok, maybe they did do that, after all, but I doubt they did it alone. All they’ve done lately is sit in front of the NC Mall looking emo. It’s time to earn your reputations back, sisters, or we’re going to start calling you by your real names; I’m talking to you, Alice... step it up or step it out.

These are only a handful of the hundreds of faeries that inhabit our great world, randomizing the streets and causing countless headaches. With all of them now turned to stone, we can only guess as to how much happier the citizens of Neopia can be. Hopefully Neopia will be given the choice to save the pie and leave the faeries where they lie. It seems only time will tell. Until then, enjoy this new beginning of faerie free life; we only hope it will remain for future generations.