I See Right Through You!

In today’s modern Neopian Society, one can never be too careful about personal privacy. Why, just the other day, I overheard my very nosey neighbor loudly discussing her casual itinerary while on ‘business’ in Brightvale. Needless to say, the information was quite shocking. But even more shocking was the casual display of personal information. Who in their right mind wishes to loudly inform the neighborhood that they spent the greater part of their Uncle’s inheritance buying rigged scratchcards and trying in vain to knock over a lovely bunch of coconuts?! Any elegantly minded Neopian would never dream of displaying such personal trivialities so openly. *haughty sniff*

And on that rather shocking note, I delve into the more serious subject of the latest fad, sweeping across Neopia, infecting the minds of young Neopets and turning their young minds into very –ahem- visible mush. Yes, indeed, my fellow neofriends—it is the Transparent Paint Brush that I speak of. I have not, in all my long days, seen such a horrid thing. What were the manufacturers thinking? To create such an exposing display of innocent Neopets’ innermost workings! Disgusting! Revolting! Unnatural I tell you!

I urge you to shun this paint brush with all haste!

Oh, dear. You look a little pale. I can only imagine what havoc this hideous paint brush is wreaking on your delicate physique. Here, have a crumpet. And I shall attempt to alleviate your worries as best as I know how and with all the proper decorum a fine Neopian citizen can possess. I didn’t graduate from the Faerie’s Fine Academy of Manners for nothing, you know.

    Where was I? Oh, yes, this monstrous creation exposes the very insides of our beloved Neopets! Why, on Fyora’s name, would anyone consider that useful? Why, on a very basic economic perspective, our dear Hospital will have to close its doors. Do you realize how many Neopets will be diagnosed by their untrained owners simply through gazing at their bloated bellies? It’s unnatural, I tell you! Why, a Neopet could attempt to ascertain their own disease, and then attempt to even treat it! The implications of a misdiagnosis are most inappropriate. I cannot imagine what would happen to any poor pet who believes he has one disease, and takes the wrong medicine.

What’s that you’re saying? That most Neopian diseases are diagnosed by outward appearances? Well, fie and fish sticks to you! That shows how very little you know. I didn’t go to the Faerie’s Fine Academy of Health for nothing, let me tell you.

Now, let me think. Oh yes. Another thing this disastrously misguided paint brush does is make us genteel Neopians quite faint! Imagine, just the other day I was out doing my shopping for our little brunch today at the market when the most ill mannered Wocky flounces by, with all those little bones in its tail jostling about. Well, I was so startled that I had no choice but to just sit down there in the middle of the coffee section! Can you imagine a display so shocking that such a firm Neopian as I had to sit down right there in the middle of the Phear Coffee and the Azzle Coffee or risking fainting at that very moment?! It was extraordinary. And what did that horrible Wocky do? Why, she and her young (I believe they call them ‘hip’) owner sauntered their way right next to me, without even asking if I was alright (I assure you I wouldn’t have said a word to such miscreants as they) and purchased the Phear Coffee I had just been looking at!

Well, I couldn’t believe their nerve, but it was just as well. I hardly have any interest in purchasing anything they enjoyed. I make every noticeable effort to distance myself from ruffians like that. So my dear, I really hope you don’t mind the Azzle coffee. It’s my new favorite flavor. It’s a pity that Wocky ruined Phear Coffee forever for me.

Now what are you interrupting for? Well, I never! You’re saying it’s silly of me to not drink my favorite coffee just because a total stranger, painted a color I dislike, enjoys the same coffee as well? You could have very well benefited from a few months at the Faerie’s Fine Academy of Culinary Artisanship, like I did. Besides! It’s the principle of the thing. I would never wish anyone to mistake me for the kind of owner who allows her pets to be ruined by such nonsense as Transparent Paint Brushes.

It’s frivolous for another manner! How could any Neopian owner ever imagine spending such outlandish sums of money on a brush that rather removes any outward appearances? It’s spending more... for less! I pride myself on being a most excellent book keeper. I only allow my Neopets a small allowance each month for more practical things, like books and school supplies and such. Things that will further them more in this world than a silly, revealing paint brush ever would. I’ve trained my Neopets to shun the acceptance of their fellow Neopians. They don’t need their approval! As if their approval holds any merit anyway! What a silly idea.

Well, my dear, the coffee has grown cold, and I must attend to other matters. Obscene modern items lurk behind every storefront, and in the paws of unwitting Neopets. I cannot peacefully rest at night with the knowledge that innocent Neopets are unknowingly partaking in such societal degradation. Long gone are the days of owners wanting to paint their pets up like proper little faeries, or in pretty purple shades. Neopia has entered a new day, and I, Auntie Agatha, have only your best interests at heart.

*Producers Note- The previous segment expresses only the views of a very addled Neopian who has not, at this time, ever actually attended any of the aforementioned Academies. Nor does she actually like Phear Coffee.