The Definitive Ranking of All Neopian Coffee Shops

In my neverending quest for that fantastic dark brown bean water we all crave, I thought I would take the time to share with you my picks for the best places to get caffeinated around Neopia. My initial plan was to further rank the shops by land, but as it turns out, we are all living with a great injustice: not all lands have a store that sells coffee.

I know, it shocked me too. Even more shocking is the fact that I never noticed Faerieland is one of these, since I live there (which explains why my quest is neverending). That’s what happens when you explore your neighborhoods, folks, you learn things! But I digress; on with the list!

1. The Coffee Cave

Alright, alright, so this was pretty predictable. To be fair, they do specialize in coffee, so that was pretty hard to beat. This very meta shop is located in the Arts and Literature Centre of Neopia Central, which is exactly where one would expect to find it. The shop’s prime location, friendly staff, and--of course--wonderful coffee made it the easy choice for my top coffee spot. The only con? Its cave location will cool your coffee down a little faster.

2. Neopian Fresh Foods

While NFF sells just about everything in addition to coffee, the cups I’ve had there have been more than enough to convince me of its worthiness in the number two spot. It is, as promised, very fresh, and you have a vast array of accompanying food to choose from as well. If this list were for “Best Places to Grab Coffee and a Sandwich, Or Maybe Some Broccoli If That’s Your Thing,” it would have destroyed the competition.

3. General Store

Okay, sure, the General Store isn’t very well known for its quality. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t earned its place on this list! Where else could you find coffee--with marshmallows!--at any hour? When The Coffee Cave and Neopian Fresh Foods are all sold out, you’ll be thankful that the ever-reliable General Store was there for you in your time of need.

4. Tropical Food Shop

Coffee may not be the first thing you think of when you hear “Mystery Island,” and if it isn’t, you’re missing out! The Tropical Food Shop only sells one kind of coffee--Azzle Coffee--but that is more than enough to keep you coming back. If you’re a fan of roasts darker and more bitter than your heart, Mystery Island has your cup of tea! Er, coffee. Your fourth place cup of coffee.

5. Spooky Food

If you’re really, really tired of regular coffee, the Spooky Food shop in the Haunted Woods may be just what you need. This shop’s selection is perfect for those who wake up and say, “Hey, this java just doesn’t have enough moss.” They also offer Haunted Coffee, for when you want your breakfast to scream at you, and Coffee of the Dead, if you’re willing to pick up the over 100K tab.

6. Super Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop

Terror Mountain’s favorite unnecessary shop has just the coffee for anyone who loves to be counterproductive--Mugless Iced Coffee. Unfortunately, this, uh, interesting beverage wasn’t enough to get the Super Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop into the top five. While the taste was far from lacking, it was simply too difficult to drink? Eat? Consume in any way, really. It also did absolutely nothing to warm me up, which is of utmost importance at the top of a snow-covered mountain. I can only hope the residents have plenty of hot tea or borovan to get them through the constant winter.

7. Grundos Cafe

To be frank, Grundos Cafe failed to impress me. Located in the very much out-of-the-way and heavily monitored Virtupets Space Station, Grundos Cafe offers two coffee drinks. One of these is in a can, the other in a bag. Admittedly, I had low expectations, seeing as how I was going to be drinking space coffee, meant to simply do its job and nothing more. I also found it difficult to enjoy myself with the knowledge that Dr. Sloth was probably watching me at that very moment, so I wouldn’t recommend this cafe for shyer Neopians. Grundos Cafe coffee has but one redeeming quality: it’s much easier to pack in a suitcase than ready-made coffee in a mug or plastic cup.

8. Qasalan Delights

I expected more from the Lost Desert’s main food shop, to be honest. The only coffee product Qasalan Delights offers, however, is the Cursed Coffee Service. I will admit--it tasted fantastic. It was dark, aromatic, and smooth, with a lovely aftertaste. Despite all these pros, one con: the cost. Oh sure, the coffee itself is pretty affordable, but the staff fails to mention the added expense of the exorcism you will most definitely need after indulging in this fabulous coffee.

9. Jelly Foods

[REDACTED]

10. User shops

Because user shops would be very difficult and time-consuming to review, and since they tend not to produce their own goods, I have awarded them the last place on this list. However, this doesn’t mean they can’t be an excellent source for caffeine. If you love to shop locally and support small business, user shops are the best place to get your precious bean water fix! They provide coffee from all lands, and are likely to offer them at discounted prices. Support your neighbors by buying coffee from their personal shops!

There you have it, my top ten list for the best coffee spots in Neopia! It should be noted that even if you don’t like coffee, many of these places also offer tea or borovan, so there’s something for everyone. It should also be noted that if you don’t like coffee, I have no idea why you even read this article. It should also also be noted that despite what doctors, nurses, and even pharmacists may try to tell you, coffee is most assuredly good for you. Between you and me, doctors just do not know what they’re talking about. We should all do our best to drink more of it. I hope this list has helped guide you as to where to begin drinking more and more coffee, and that all those late nights will lead us all to be more productive.