Bad Birthday Bites

     Is your pet’s birthday just around the corner or perhaps in half a year? Either way, are you unsure of what to get for him/her when the time comes? Well, let me tell you that cake is a must on such a festive date! Not just any sort of cake, mind you. You’re likely to be able to buy such a common dessert from anywhere on Neopia, but beware, for there are plenty of horrible creations out there. To prepare you for the very important task of not disappointing your pet with your cake selection, here are some of the worst cakes of all time!

     Iced Fish Cake

Fish and strawberry do not go well together. I repeat, they do not go well together. I don’t know about you, but the sight of two sickly green fish with those creepy eyes and candles sticking out of their mouths is sure going to put me off from that cake. The generous amount of icing was probably to cover the fishy stench but trust me, it didn’t help. Need I also remind you that the fish aren’t deboned and therefore, your pet’s life is at great risk if he/she consumes it.

     Gruel Cake

Nobody wants to eat weak and runny gruel on their birthday! One thing I must note though, is how surprisingly well the cake can maintain its two-tiered form, but that’s beside the point. I mean c’mon, birthdays only happen once a year! Don’t tell me you can’t afford something better for your beloved pet!

     Extra Gooey Korbat Cake, Slimy Usul Cake

What used to be delightful cakes took a turn for the worse when they were carelessly exposed to the sun. Now they’re in the process of melting into gunk – or from an artist’s point of view, morphing into new art forms. The flavors don't change much from the original taste, but the semi-liquid texture will probably make your pet shy away from eating either of them. You might also not want to burden yourself with cleaning up all the icing that’ll drip everywhere.

     Chomby Rock Cake, Tonu Rock Cake

As perfect as these cakes look, the crunchy rocks make it extremely hard to chew and swallow. Even Grarrls and Skeiths, who can devour anything, can’t escape from several chipped teeth and tongue cuts. Who came up with such a tactless recipe anyway? As for those whose pets ponder about what it's like to eat rocks, tell them that it’s uncool and makes them look like sore losers. Better safe than sorry.

     Festive Petpet Appreciation Cake

This is self-explanatory, but for those of you who don’t quite get why this cake is on the list, notice the name and appearance. Everything is practically screaming ‘Petpet!" at you. Even if your pet doesn’t realize such obvious signs, I don’t think he/she will be happy with a food bowl filled with scraggy hairs. If you genuinely love your pet, don’t bother with a cake that’s dedicated to Petpets.

     Moon Sponge Cake

It’s much more suitable to be an edible toy than a birthday cake. Nobody’s got time to test the effects of gravity and bounce utensils off it. It’s also got absolutely none of the appeal that any dessert should have. Why, I don’t blame your pet if he/she becomes depressed at the sight of a dull, grey cake. Boring!

     Chained Vault Cake

Although the design and flavor of the cake are unknown to practically everyone in the Neopian world, the baker claims it to be so special and yummy that it needs to be locked up in a vault and chained to ensure maximum security. The problem? Nobody knows how to open the vault except for the baker, but he decided to set a code so complicated that even he can’t remember it himself. Many other methods don’t work either. The most powerful weapons fail to leave even the tiniest dent on the metal whereas the slightest contact with magic causes the whole thing to disappear. Weird …

     Radioactive Sloth Cake, Orange Sloth Cake, Grape Sloth Cake, Cheesy Sloth Cake

Dr. Frank Sloth is not good, and so are the cakes that are named after him. While they may look harmless from the outside, the inner layers conceal many traps. A few unfortunate Neopians recounted incidents such as a laser that shot aimlessly and destroyed everything in its path, a mechanical hand – much like the Lever of Doom but a miniature version – which stole Neopoints and those who turned into foul Mutants the instant the cakes entered their mouths. Also, the radioactive cake has an added peril in the form of harmful rays. Oh, how I hate that little sugary Sloth figurine standing proudly and looking as if he’s so sure he’d be able turn us all into prey. Well, I’ve warned all of you, so be careful.

Discounted Cake

The word "discounted" may immediately catch your attention, but the same can’t be said for the small cake. Everything is of low quality: cheap ingredients, bland taste, dried and hard texture, a home and/or feast for flies and cockroaches and mold, slime and melted wax. Who knows how long it’s been sitting on the shelves already, waiting for an ever-so-kind Neopian to devour it someday? Even with the drastic price drop, it doesn’t change the fact that the cake’s still rather pricey. I recommend you ignore this cake altogether for the good of both your wallet and your pet.

     Scab Cake

The scab is the "wow" factor in terms of creativity, but the "eww" factor when it comes to consuming it. A piece of blood clot is far from delicious and the bit of blood that hasn’t hardened will seep into the sponge, making it soggy and bloody. And the little brown flakes on top? Yeah, that’s skin alright. If you’re as honorable as I am, let us respect all those selfless Neopians who sacrificed themselves for the sake of these cakes by boycotting them.

There you have it, folks! A comprehensive list of 15 dreadful birthday cakes and why they don't deserve to be eaten. If you’re ever in doubt, make sure to bring along a copy of this article to aid you in your shopping. It also comes in handy in the case that you still wish to buy one of the aforementioned cakes after reading this but can’t decide on the better choice. If the horrible comments can’t deter you, might as well be a guide instead, right? Good luck!