Y.A.M.S.

Inside this fairly large prison was a certain cell. And inside this certain cell were a certain familiar duo. No, not Hawkins and Lennert - they don't come in 'till later, you impatient little punk! Just wait!

     No, this prison cell (which looked pretty much like any other prison cell in the world - dirty, with a bunk bed, three concrete walls, a set of bars for a front door, and an, err, "commode") was occupied by another certain, yet equally familiar, duo - two Yurbles, a red one by the name of Rover and a blue one by the name of Lu.

     Lu, laying on his bottom bunk of the bunk bed, heaved a sigh. "I can't stand it!" the blue Yurble shouted. "It's driving me crazy! We've been in this cell for nearly four months - and I'm losing my mind!"

     "Chill out, Lu!" Rover, the red one, called down from his bunk above. "This place isn't so bad - we've got good food, warm comfy beds, and plenty of soap!" Suddenly, his head appeared over the side of the bunk, upside down and smiling at his boss-in-crime. "And I've taken on quite a hobby - soap carving!"

     Lu sneered. "Rover, while we've been in here, I've been thinking of ways to escape - you have been carving pictures out of soap! You're useless, you know that?! Useless!"

     "Awww… Looks like someone needs a smiley sunflower!" Rover pulled out a flower - carved, quite ingeniously in fact, out of soap - and showed it to his cell-mate, smiling widely. "See? Isn't it awesome?! I carved it all out of soap!"

     "Arrgh!" Lu, cried out in annoyance, grabbing the soap-flower and throwing it against the far wall, where it smashed into many small pieces.

     Rover shrugged and pulled his head up out of view, appearing again a few seconds later with another soap carving - this one of a Yurble's face. The carving's face was formed into a huge smile. "Look at this guy," Rover pointed out. "He looks happy! Why don't you try more to be like the carving, huh?"

     "Hey, you two, quiet down!"

     Both Yurbles turned to see a prison guard - a young red Jubjub - standing on the other side of the bars. "Quiet down and go to sleep!"

     Lu blinked for a minute, than cleared throar. "Ummm… But, I can't…" the blue Yurble began slowly, choosing his words carefully. "Because, uhh, I'm sick." He gave a weak (and obviously fake) cough. "Uhhh… Maybe you should come here and make sure I'm okay…"

     The guard eyed the two prisoners for a moment, not sure of what to think. "Well, I can't," he explained. "I'm not allowed - it's against the rules."

     "Yeah, but… Uhhh, this could be serious!" Lu gave another weak cough. "Oh yeah, this sounds serious alright! And ya know, if I die, you might get in trouble for that…"

     The guard eyed him for another few seconds before nodding and unlocking the cell with his key and walking in.

     "Okay, so, what seems to be the prob-"

     But before the guard could finish his sentence, Lu grabbed the bar of soap from Rover's paw and smashed it across the JubJub's head, knocking him out cold.

     "Oh my gosh - my Yurble!" Rover cried. "What have you done, Lu?! Are you crazy?!"

     "No," Lu replied, bending down, snatching up the now-unconscious guard's keys, and rushing out the door. "I'm escaping - we both are! Now let's go!"

     "But… but… What about him?" Rover asked, climbing down from the top bunk and motioning to the guard.

     "Don't worry about him!" replied Lu from just outside the cell door, his voice fast and worried as he glanced down either side of the hallway, on the lookout for on-coming guards. "He'll be fine! I just knocked him unconscious!"

     "Uhh…" the guard muttered, reaching back to rub his throbbing head. "Oh, it feels like someone just knocked over the head with some type of bathroom cleaning material…"

     "Oh my… Drat!" Lu muttered, annoyed. He strode over to the guard and bashed him over the head once more with the keys. This time, he lay still.

     "Now!" Lu continued. "Let's go!"

     Rover glanced around the cell, nervous. "I dunno Lu… What about the soap?"

     Lu sighed, putting his face in his paw. "Rover, if you come with me, I'll buy you all the soap you want! Fair?"

     Rover took another quick glance around the cell and sighed. "Alright… I'll go…"

     "Good!"

     The two hurried out of the cell, with Lu turning to close and lock the door behind him. And thus, Lu and Rover made their daring escape from prison. Now, this normally would've made no difference, if it weren't for a certain other familiar pair…

The Poogle Race Tracks, Faerieland

The Betting Building for the Poogle Tracks was built much like the Neopian National Bank - about twenty tellers standing behind twenty windows with twenty lines before them, stretched out across a large, well-lit, well-polished marble lobby.

     And it was in one of these lines, about three pets back, that another familiar pair - yes, this time I'm speaking of that green Kyrii and that red Lenny - was awaiting their turn with the teller. The two were standing in line together quietly, until suddenly….

     "Ya know," began Lennert, turning to his roommate, "I was wondering: What's the point in underwear?"

     Hawkins stared back at him blankly, blinking. "Huh?..."

     "Underwear!" the red Lenny repeated. "What's the point in it? I mean, no one can see it - heck, if you were to never wear underwear, no one else would ever know!"

     Hawkins shook his head, a bit confused. "Lennert… you don't even wear clothes…"

     "I know," the Lenny replied with a shrug. "I'm just saying - if I did wear clothes, I wouldn't wear underwear! Unless it was cold - and even then, only occasionally."

     Hawkins, a little put-off by the previous conversation, turned to take a look-over of the crowd around him - and noticed another green Kyrii, this one only a toddler, standing in the line next to his, clutching the paw of his mother and looking around innocently. He turned and glanced up at Hawkins, eyes wide and curious.

     Hawkins nodded at him, smiling. "Hello," he greeted cheerily.

     "Why are you so ugly?" the young pet asked oh-so suddenly and plainly.

     Hawkins eyes went wide, his head pulling back a bit from the directness of the question. "What?!"

     "Were you born that way?" the child asked. "Or did you get into some accident?"

     "…Uhhhh…"

     "My mommy says I shouldn't make fun of people like you, but should feel bad for you instead."

     Hawkins turned back to staring ahead, shaking his head a bit. "What is this," he asked himself, "awkward conversation day?"

     But before he could think of an answer, there came a cry from the attendant for their line.

     "Next!"

     Lennert, a goofy grin plastered on his face, stepped forward, giving the female red Ruki behind the window a wave. "Hiya! I'm Lennert!" he greeted.

     The Ruki returned a weak smile, nodding. "Hi… Would you like to place a bet?"

     Lennert nodded. "Yep! I'd like to place four-thousand Neopoints on Peppy the Poogle, please!"

     The Ruki nodded. "Okay." And she waited for him to hand over the money.

     And waited…

     And waited…

     An awkward pause ensued. The attendant behind the window stood there, waiting for Lennert to turn over the money for his bet. Lennert just stood there grinning, waiting for something else to happen.

     Finally, after almost a minute, the attendant glanced from side-to-side, then coughed. "Ummm, sir, are you going to give me the money…?

     Lennert's face dropped. "Huh? What money?"

     The Ruki stared back at him for a few seconds, confused, then explained. "Sir, you have to turn over the money you're placing your bet with… the four-thousand Neopoints. That's how betting works…"

     "…What?!" Lennert's eyes grew wide. "What do you mean turn over the money? You want me to give you my money?! What is this scam?!" Lennert's eyes grew wide as he shouted across the lobby. "See, that's the problem with you big businesses - you think you can just push the little guy around, take his money and throw him out in the cold! Well, not this time, miss! Not this Lenny! I won't let you take my money! No more! I'm making my stand right here and now against the powers of big corporations! I'll fight you in the streets! I'll fight you on the mountain tops! I'll fight you--"

     But before Lennert could finish his speech, he was grabbed from behind by Hawkins and dragged across the marble floor towards the doorway.

     "I'll never let you big corporations win!" he shouted as his roommate hauled him towards the door. "I'll be back! And I'll bring the media! You hear me? The media!!!"

Outside

Outside the Betting Building, the sun was shining down on the two roommates, reflecting brightly off the white clouds around them as Hawkins stormed away from the building, furious, dragging Lennert in tow.

     When he reached the sidewalk, he dropped the red Lenny and turned, infuriated. "Lennert, what is your problem?! Why must you make a scene everywhere we go?!"

     Lennert got up, dusting himself off calmly. "Hawkins, you don't understand!" he explained. "We can't let the big corporations get away with this! We have to stand up and show them that they can't push the little guy around! We have to show-- Oh, a cookie!"

     Lennert's attention was suddenly diverted away from his roommate and down towards a large chocolate-chip cookie laying - just laying - on the ground… alone… just begging to be picked up and eaten!

     "Cookie!" Lennert cried, rushing towards it. But, just as he bent down to pick it up, it jumped back!

     Lennert paused, confused. "Huh?"

     "Lennert, just leave it!" came Hawkins' cry from behind. "It's been on the ground - it's not even fit to eat!"

     But Lennert did no such thing. The Lenny took another two steps towards the cookie, bending down once more to pick it up - and again, it jumped back!

     "Huh…" muttered Lennert curiously. "Something seems odd about this cookie…" Lennert paused for a second, staring hard at the cookie like a hunter ready to catch it's prey. Suddenly, he lunged at it - landing on it and pinning the baked good to the ground. "Gotcha!"

     "Hey, let go!" came a voice out of nowhere.

     Lennert looked around, confused, before glancing back down at the cookie he held in his wings, eyes wide. "Cookie?! Did you say that?!"

     "Oh, umm… Yeah!" the voice came again "Yeah, that's right! I'm a talking cookie! And I, uhhh, need you to get off of me! So… get off!"

     "Oh, alright!" With that, Lennert climbed up off the ground, letting go off the cookie.

     A few steps behind, Hawkins put his face in his paws, sighing.

     "Ummm… Thanks!" the cookie said, before sliding backwards some more.

     "Wait! Come back, talking cookie!" Lennert yelled, giving chase. "I have so much to learn from you and your vast array of knowledge! Come back!"

     The cookie slid down the street, turning a corner and sliding into a back alley, with Lennert right on it's crumbs. "You can run, but you and your chocolatey goodness can never escape from me!"

     "Lennert!" Hawkins called out as his roommate turned the corner a few steps ahead of him. "Lennert!"

     Hawkins reached the alley, turned the corner, and - *THWACK!* - was knocked unconscious by a pole.

     ***

     Groggily, Hawkins opened his eyes. The world he saw was still blurry and unfocused. Hawkins tried to reach up to rub his throbbing head, but found he could not - his paws had been tied behind his back. Twisting his head around, Hawkins could see his fellow roommate sitting behind him - the two had been tied back-to-back.

     The room they were in was dark, with only a small stream of moonlight coming in from the skylight above. It was just enough light to illuminate the boxes and crates stacked about all around the two - they were in some kind of warehouse, or so it appeared.

     "Oooh…" Hawkins moaned, his head throbbing with pain. "Where am I?..."

     "Hawkins?" Behind him, Lennert had come to as well. "Hawkins, where are you?! I can hear your voice! Don't worry, everything's gonna be alright! Just keep talking! I will find you!"

     "Lennert, I'm right behind you, you idiot!" Hawkins shouted, craning his neck back to shout at his roommate. "So stop yelling!"

     "Oh thank goodness! I was so worried!" Lennert breathed in relief. "I was afraid that--"

     "Shut up! The both of you!" came the voice of some new, unknown pet from the darkness.

     "Hey," Hawkins called out into the darkness, "who said that? Who's there?!"

     "Oh, so you wish to know who we are, do you?" the voice taunted, almost managing a weak laugh. "Very well, then! Rover, hit the lights and let our guest see who their captors are!"

     "I… I can't find the light switch, Lu…" came a second pet's voice.

     "What?! Oh, for the love of… Get out of the way! Let me find it!"

     From the darkness came the sound of rummaging, stumbling, a few boxes being knocked over, and the sound of some glass object hitting the ground and shattering. Then suddenly, a light hanging above the two hostages flickered on, illuminating them and casting the rest of the warehouse in shadow… Out from which stepped Lu the blue Yurble - would-be bank-robber and former prison inmate!

     The Yurble smiled viciously. "Haha! That's right, it's me! Lu, the thief and criminal mastermind! Surprised?"

     Hawkins shrugged. "Not really."

     Lu's face dropped. "What?"

     "Well," Hawkins continued from where he sat, back-to-back with Lennert, "there are only a handful of pets out there that would want to hurt us: You, the Usul Scouts, Mister Brintle, the Poogle who lives beneath us, all the people turned into zombies by the jelly newspapers, all the people hurt by our runaway Christmas tree, Roxy, that certain green Pteri with no name, Buddy, Stone, Zarrel the Zafara Assassin, that guy who wanted to burn me, all those kids in the park…"

     "For what it's worth, I was a little surprised!" Lennert announced hopefully.

     "Thank you!" Lu replied. He turned to Hawkins. "See? Why can't you be more like him?"

     Hawkins craned his neck behind towards his roommate. "Suck up."

     "Now!" Lu continued. "We have brought you both here for one reason-"

     "Excuse me!" interrupted Lennert.

     Lu sighed, annoyed. "What is it?!"

     "I was just wondering the status of the cookie."

     Lu blinked. "…Moving on! We have brought you both here for one reason - to show you our new organization and to extract our revenge!"

     "That's two reasons," Hawkins pointed out matter-of-factly.

     Lu paused, having been caught off guard by the Kyrii's flawless sense of grammar. "…I… Rover! Bring out the presentation!"

     From out of the darkness scurried a red Yurble - Rover - carrying a large easel board, the first page of which was blank. He rushed up and sat it down next to Lu, then stepped back off to the side.

     "Good!" Lu announced. "Now, quake in fear at the sight of… Y.A.M.S.!" Lu flipped back the front page, revealing the following page with the letters Y-A-M-S written. "Yurble Armed Militia Soap!"

     Hawkins blinked, not sure what to say. "Yurble Armed Militia… Soap?"

     "Yeah… 'Y.A.M.' didn't sound as cool as 'Y.A.M.S.'" Lu shrugged.

     Hawkins nodded, beginning to understand - these two were crazy! "So, we're supposed to be afraid of a group named after a vegetable?..."

     "How many members do all have?" Lennert called out.

     "Well," Lu explained, ignoring Hawkins' question, "there's me, Rover, and that hobo over there." He pointed over to a dirty-looking, ill-dressed blue Lupe slumped over in the corner asleep, who, up until now, no one had noticed.

     "But, he's not even a Yurble…" Hawkins observed, not sure if he wanted more of an explanation.

     "Yes, I realize that!" Lu shouted back defensively. "If you haven't noticed, we don't exactly have a lot of members at the moment. So, we're not really picky right now."

     Hawkins looked from Lu to Rover, back to Lu, then back to Rover - and then broke out in laughter!

     "Hahahahahahaha!!" The Kyrii laughed until his ribs hurt, tears filling his eyes. "Oh man - you two must be kidding me! I mean, look at this - you've kidnapped possibly one of the stupidest pets in Neopia only to show off an organization named after a vegetable which only has three members - one of whom isn't even the right species! What is this, a joke?!" He gave another few loud chuckles. "Look, why don't you two just let us go before you hurt yourselves, and we'll call this a day, huh?"

     Lu frowned at the Kyrii. "Rover, destroy them!"

     "Oh no!" Lennert cried. "Not destruction! That doesn't sound good at all!"

     But at just that moment, two figures came crashing through the skylight - a large one dressed in a yellow mask and yellow spandex, and a smaller one, dressed similarly, but in red.

     Both figures landed on their feet between the two roommates and the two Yurbles. In the moonlight, all four could see they were both Krawks - the large one a full-grown, the smaller one a petpet.

     "Never fear, citizens, for I am the key of light that shall unlock you from your jail cell of darkness… I am… Metaphor Man!"

     From his spot on the ground, the petpet Krawk gave the larger one a kick in the leg.

     "Ow! Oh, and Simile Son, too…"

     Lu slapped his forehead. "Oh, no! Not you two again!" He looked up, glaring daggers at the two super heroes. "Look, I don't know who you two clowns think you are, but you're in way over your heads! So, why don't you take yourselves and go play dress-up somewhere else, 'kay?"

     "Hey, wait," Hawkins wondered aloud, "how did you two find us?"

     "That is simple, average citizen!" Metaphor Man, clad in his yellow spandex and mask, replied. "You see, the cry of a citizen in trouble is a lighthouse that guides my ship to land. It is a date I cannot miss - a call I cannot ignore! It is the cake and I, as the fat person, must eat it. It is--"

     "Alright, whatever!" Hawkins shouted, cutting the Krawk off. "Just shut up and save us!"

     "Oh, right!" Metaphor Man turned his attention back to Lu and Rover. "Now, quake in fear - Metaphor Man is here!"

     Lu rolled his eyes. "Look, let's just finish this, alright?" He reached back behind him - and pulled out a long gleaming dagger! The Yurble smiled, his eyes flickering. "Still wanna go?"

     "Your blade of darkness shall never slice through my concrete of correctness!"

     Lu sighed. "That's it - you are so gonna di--"

     *THWACK*

     Lu never got to finish his threat. Because, while Metaphor Man had babbled on about lighthouses and such, his accomplice, Simile Son, had snuck around behind the two Yurbles, found a large lead pipe, climbed up on one of the crates, and knocked Lu in the back of the head. And that was where stood now, pipe held out at arm's length.

     Rover, now fully aware that there was no escape, glanced from Metaphor Man, to the unconscious body of his boss on the floor, to Simile Song - pipe still held out straight - and back to Metaphor Man.

     "…If I just lie down on the floor and pretend to be asleep, will you not hit me with the pole?"

     Metaphor Man nodded.

     Believing he was safe, Rover lay down on the floor next to his boss - then Simile Son hit him over the head anyways, knocking him out cold.

     Turning back to the two hostages, Metaphor Man cut through their ropes with two swipes of his claws. "Never fear, average citizens," the Krawk superhero began again as the two roommates climbed to their feet, "for I am the flashlight that has lead you though the cave of darkness! I am the compass that has lead you home! I am… Metaphor Man!"

     Next to him, Simile Son landed another kick to the larger Krawk's shins.

     "Ow! Oh yeah, and Simile son, too… Now! Metaphor Man and Simile Son…Away!" Turning, the two superheroes wandered off into the darkness, searching for the door out of the warehouse.

     "Hmmm…" Lennert mused aloud. "Well, this has been quite an interesting night, hasn't it?"

     Hawkins looked down at the two unconscious Yurbles on the floor, sighing sadly. "I guess they had it coming… Y.A.M.S. indeed…"

     A pause between the two roommates ensued… Until Lennert let out a loud girly squeal!

     "Look Hawkins!" Lennert cried, bending down - and picking up none other than the cookie!

     "The cookie! It's alright!"

     Hawkins shook his head slowly, not sure what to say. "Ya know, you probably shouldn't eat that…"

     "What? Why not?"

     Hawkins grabbed the cookie from Lennert wing and threw it at the ground - where it made a huge crater in the floor on impact.

     Lennert stared down at the cookie for a minute, blinking - and then bent down and picked it up again with a shrug.

     "I fail to see your point."

     Hard stale cookies… Yumm…

Back in Lu and Rover's Prison Cell…

Lu and Rover sat side-by-side on the bottom bunk of their bunk bed, staring aimlessly at the wall across the cell - until Rover turned to his boss.

     "Hey," he asked, "how come you had all the lines in this story? I hardly got to do anything… That doesn't seem fair…"

     Lu turned to his partner and sneered.

     "Be quiet."

The End