Audition, Schmaudition!

*The camera zooms in on a room inside the Soup Kitchen. A short girl in a black T-shirt and jeans is holding on to a microphone labeled “Neopian Times News” and blinking at the camera.*

Belle: Today is one historical day and I, your trusty Neopian Times reporter *shows Press badge*, am here to capture every moment just for you. I am at the Soup Faerie Kitchen right now where the Soup Faerie, that gentle kind soul, is holding auditions for “The Kougra, the Witch and the Wardrobe”, a theatrical production she is sponsoring for the benefit of the hungry Neopets in Neopia.

Behind me, you can see just about everyone who is anyone in Neopia. All of them are impatiently standing in line, waiting to be called into the “Ingredients Storage Room” where the Soup Faerie is grading each Neopian. The presence of so many famous faces gives me a feeling of exhilaration. Too bad it’s so hot in here. The mixture of ah, several aromas in the air isn’t so good either.

Oh, I can see Illusen. Let’s go interview her. *calls* HEY, Illusen!

Illusen: *smiles pleasantly* Hello. I knew there was going to be a reporter around here.

Belle: Right. Can you give me a brief summary of “The Kougra, the Witch and the Wardrobe”?

Illusen: Well, it’s about this girl named Donna who accidentally discovered Neopia at the back of her wardrobe. So, she goes there and meets a Chia named Nigel who tells her all about the evil White Witch who rules over Neopia. Then, she goes back into the wardrobe where her friend Adam bullies her into bringing him along the next time she went to Neopia. Basically, they meet a wild Kougra, Aslan the King of the Neopets, who helps them free Neopia from the Witch’s clutches. Then, they…oh, by they, I mean Donna and Adam, not Donna and Adam and the Kougra, rule over Neopia together.

Belle: *blinks* Oh. So, what part are you auditioning for?

Illusen: Why, Donna, of course! She is clearly the heroine of the play.

Jhudora: I don’t think so, Illusen. *smirks*

Belle: I didn’t notice you were there, Jhudora. I am such a big fan! Autograph my Evil Snowball, will you? *removes melting snowball from pocket*

Jhudora: My pleasure. *scribbles*

Illusen: *rolls eyes* What are you doing here, Jhudora? Shouldn’t you be at your cloud, tricking another Neopet into doing your quests?

Jhudora: The Soup Faerie invited me to audition herself. *sniffs* I’m pretty sure I’ll get the part of the White Witch.

Illusen: Oh, yeah? That part isn’t any good. Donna is the best!

Jhudora: *sniffs* Why don’t you audition for the part of the wardrobe? You’ll get the part, no doubt about it…

Illusen: Why you…*pulls at Jhudora’s hair*

Jhudora: Why you…*pulls at Illusen’s hair*

Belle: *looks at camera* The temperature isn’t the only thing that’s going up around here. *wipes forehead* Let’s leave Illusen and Jhudora as they, ah, settle their differences. *looks around* Ooh…look! It’s Sloth. *approaches him* Wow. I didn’t know you liked plays.

Sloth: I don’t. This is simply part of my plan to take over Neopia!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Belle: Uh huh. What exactly is your evil plan?

Sloth: I’m going to audition for the part of Donna and then, on the debut performance, I’m going to hypnotize ALL the Neopians into following my orders because of my astounding acting skills! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Belle: No ray guns or blasters?

Sloth: Nope.

Belle: Hypnotizing rays?

Sloth: Nope.

Belle: *hopeful eyes* Evil Vacuum Pit of Doom?

Sloth: Never heard of that.

Belle: Sorry. Inside joke. *coughs* I’m confused, Sloth. How are you going to hypnotize everyone without any weapons?

Sloth: *rolls eyes* I told you, my astounding acting as Donna will convince them to obey me!

Belle: Did you say Donna?

Sloth: Yep.

Belle: You’re auditioning for Donna’s part? *chortles* You? Donna?

Sloth: *pouts* What’s so bad about Donna?

Belle: Why don’t you try out for Adam or something?

Sloth: *clears throat* Duh, Donna is the protagonist of the story. Adam is, what? The bully? Puh-lease, why would I want to get Adam’s part? I wouldn’t want Neopia to get the wrong idea about me.

Belle: And, the right idea would be?

Sloth: Only that I’m the best of the best. *wiggles eyebrows* MWAHAHAHAHA!

Belle: Er…okay. Thanks for the interview, Sloth. More power.

Sloth: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Belle: *blinks* So far, we’ve seen some famous Faeries and one super villain. I wonder who else we’ll find in here. *walks around* Aha, it’s Edna the Witch! Hello there, Edna.

Edna: *is busy murmuring lines to herself*

Belle: EDNA!!!

Edna: What?!? Can’t you see I’m busy? I’m trying to rehearse my lines.

Belle: I’m Belle from the Neopian Times. Would you like to see your name on the paper?

Edna: *thinks* Okay. What do I have to do?

Belle: Well, you just have to answer a few questions. *rustles papers* First of all, what in Neopia are you doing here?

Edna: *looks offended* Excuse me? Don’t I have the right to audition for plays?

Belle: I was just asking. Next question is…what part are you auditioning for? Wait. Don’t tell me. It’s Donna, isn’t it?

Edna: *snorts* No way! I’m going to be the White Witch.

Belle: *coughs* May I ask why?

Edna: That’s easy. The White Witch is just like me. We both have a pretty face, lots of pizzazz and loads of magic powers! Need I say more?

Belle: Do you think you have a high chance of getting the part?

Edna: I’m 100% confident that I’ll get the part. It’s not like anyone else has greater acting talent than Edna the Witch. And, anyway, if someone else gets the part, I’ll just turn that no-talent into a Mortog! *cackles*

Belle: Aren’t you afraid of battling against Jhudora the Dark Faerie? I hear she’s auditioning for the White Witch, too.

Edna: Me? Afraid of that…that…ordinary no-talent? No way! I mean, just because she has more fans…

Belle: *nods* I see. So –

Edna: Uh, sorry. I really enjoyed our little chat but I’m next in line so MOVE!

Belle: Thanks for all your help! *turns back to audience* The witch! *sniffs* I hope Jhudora lords over her. *Coughs* Where were we? *looks at papers* Hmm…no Neopians auditioning for Adam or Aslan yet. *scans the room* Ah, I spot a familiar yellow Kougra with wreaths of leaves, grass and flowers around his head and neck. Could it be? Nah, it can’t be. *Looks again* Well. I can’t believe it! It’s him, it’s really him…Grand Bogen himself. HEY, RUFUS!

Rufus: Oh, hi! *waves at camera* Hello, Neopia! I’m Rufus and I was crowned Grand Bogen.

Belle: Well, Rufus, it’s been a long time since you last showed your face to Neopia. How’s life going for you?

Rufus: Life as Grand Bogen is fantastic. You should try it some time.

Belle: I thought being Grand Bogen was a one-day experience.

Rufus: Oh, being Grand Bogen is like a lifetime achievement. *exposes white teeth at camera* Being Grand Bogen rocks!

Belle: What brings you here to the Soup Kitchen?

Rufus: Well, I thought I’d set an example for all Neopians. Seeing as how I’m Grand Bogen and all, I thought it would be nice if I got the part of Aslan. After all, he’s the King of Neopia!

Belle: I’ve got news for you. I haven’t seen anyone else auditioning for Aslan’s part. You have a really big chance of making it, Rufus!

Rufus: *puts a paw over his heart* How prestigious it would be if I were chosen as Aslan. More prestigious than being Grand Bogen, even.

Belle: Really? I thought being Grand Bogen meant the world to you. I guess we’ll just have to tell those Island natives that you really didn’t want to become Grand Bogen, eh? I can see it now – RUFUS, THE UNGRATEFUL WRETCH, DETHRONED AS GRAND BOGEN! My readers and viewers would looove that.

Rufus: *laughs nervously* Er, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong! Um, I just want to add the title “Aslan, King of Neopia” to my long list of titles.

Belle: I didn’t know you had plenty of titles. Can you enumerate them for the rest of Neopia?

Rufus: Well, there’s my Grand Bogen title…*thinks* a-and my…Grand Bogen title…a-and…

Belle: Okay, I think I get the idea. Well, Rufus, good luck with your audition. *faces camera* There you have it, Neopia! It looks like the Soup Faerie has her hands full. Now, if only we could find someone auditioning for Adam’s part, everything would be perfect.

Underwater Chef: I’m auditioning for the part of Adam.

Belle: *whirls around* You ARE? Well, look who’s here. It’s U.C., that adorable little Flotsam who works for Mumbo Pango!

Underwater Chef: That’s Underwater Chef, if you please. *Coughs*

Belle: How in Neopia did you find the time to get here? Aren’t you busy feeding Mumbo Pango?

Underwater Chef: *waves a fin* Oh, don’t worry about that fat, greedy, greasy, lying –

Belle: Mumbo Pango will do, U.C.

Underwater Chef: As I was saying, I got Jhuidah to cover for me. She’s a great Faerie, that Jhuidah.

Belle: Oh. Anyway, why did you choose to audition for Adam’s part?

Underwater Chef: *shrugs* Because I want to.

Belle: *blinks* Okay. Any message for your, uh, fans?

Underwater Chef: No.

Belle: *blinks again* Oh-kay. *U.C. leaves* Well, Neopia, all we can do now is wait for the audition results which are due in…*thinks* three hours. Oh well. *sits on a bench and watches Neopians going into the “Ingredients Storage Room” Ho-hum…

After three hours…

Belle: And now, here comes the Soup Faerie…

*camera zooms in the Soup Faerie holding a piece of paper in one hand* *excited talk among the Neopians in the background*

Soup Faerie: First of all, I would like to thank everyone who auditioned for “The Kougra, the Witch and the Wardrobe”. Please remember that you are ALL winners - even those who don’t get the parts they auditioned for. If you would like to work for props or costumes, instead, you are more than welcome to do so. You can even bag the part of a goo-

Voices in the background: Get on with it!

Soup Faerie: And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…I will now post the list of those who got in! Congratulations everyone! The first production meeting will be held tomorrow at 8:00 AM in the morning. Thank you. *posts paper and disappears*

*pets and Faeries crowd around the paper on the wall*

Belle: We’re going in! *squeezes in between two Neopets* *camera zooms in on the paper*

The Cast of “The Kougra, the Witch and the Wardrobe”

Aslan, the King of Neopia: Rufus the Grand Bogen

The White Witch: Taelia the Snow Faerie

Nigel the Chia: Nigel the Chia

Faerie Queen: Edna the Witch

Wardrobe: Illusen the Earth Faerie

Adam: Tombola Man

Donna: Lady Osiri the Aisha

The White Witch’s goons:

Remnok the Nomad

Achilles81 the Cloud Gelert

Underwater Chef

Aslan’s helpers:

Jhudora the Darkness Faerie

Dr. Frank Sloth

A White Weewoo

Note: The Soup Faerie is looking for a bunch of extras. Want to be a goon or a helper? Contact her for more details.

*camera zooms in on Belle*

Belle: Let’s check out our participants’ reactions shall we?

*camera zooms in on Neopians*

Jhudora: *sneers at Illusen* I told you you’d get the part of the wardrobe!

Illusen: Yeah, well. It’s not like your part is all that great either. What are you? Aslan’s helper Number 1? *pulls at Jhudora’s hair*

Jhudora: *pulls at Illusen’s hair* Get your filthy hands off me, Illusen!

Rufus: I’m the King of Neopia! MWAHAHAHA!

Edna: And I am its queen! Bow down to me, Neopians. MWAHAHAHA!

Rufus and Edna: MWAHAHAHAHA!

Sloth: *grumbles* I can’t believe this. *mumbles to himself* The Soup Faerie must’ve heard about my plan. Oh, she’ll see. I can wreak havoc even though I’m Aslan’s helper. *grins evilly*

Osiri: I’m so touched. Aren’t you glad you’re Adam?

Tombola Man: Um.

Osiri: I know. Isn’t this great?

White Weewoo: Whoot!

Belle: *smiles* Well, it looks like NOT everyone got the part that they wanted BUT still, we have a powerhouse cast! “The Kougra, the Witch and the Wardrobe” is shaping up quite satisfactorily. Until next time, this is Belle reporting for the “Neopian Times News”. May the White Weewoo be with you. *giggles* I’ve always wanted to say that. *Coughs*

Author’s Note: Contrary to popular belief, no one was hurt while filming this newscast, especially NOT Adam (well, not physically, anyway). Watch out for the next installment of “The Kougra, the Witch and the Wardrobe” article series. Behind the scenes, we’ll go!