Top Secrets Revealed: Dr. Sloth's Answering Machine

If you tried out for that one, you were probably having lots of fun pretending to be Sloth and making an answering machine message. If you don’t know about it, well, guess what? You know now. Okay, okay, I’ll get to the point now. The fact is, that contest gives an important piece of information about Sloth. Drumroll, please! You see, if the contest was about making up something like Sloth’s answering machine, then... yes, that means... *gasp* He probably has one!

I mean, if an evil genius has spiff stuff like computers, spaceships and ray blasters, then he probably has a phone and an answering machine. After all, why would a contest be about making a message if Sloth himself did not have one? Conclusion: Sloth has an answering machine. And it’s probably model Super2109 or something like that.

Now that I proved this to you with many examples, don’t you feel like you want to know what’s in there? What the real deal says? Well, today is your lucky day! With a little help from a nice, cooperative Grundo, you’ll find out what is on Dr. Sloth’s answering machine!

Ready?

First of all, I should warn you that reading this might hurt your brain and forever scar your sanity (if you’re still sane) and perhaps ruin the image you have of the great Dr. Sloth. Moi, an innocent Neopian Times reporter, is not to blame if these things do happen. (Hey! I warned you already, you know!) If you still want to know, keep on reading.

Well, you should know that Sloth, like all of us, sometimes gets bored. The Grundo, who shall remain nameless, informed me that Sloth actually keeps several different answering machine messages and occasionally record one. The nameless pet also claimed that Sloth changes the message every month or two. Below are five messages that we got before the line broke down. I will also provide some analysis for the messages. Enjoy.

Message #1 – Recorded... err... a long time ago

*evil music intro with lots of thunder* Ten seconds later... Still haven’t left? *scoff* Well, you should know who I am. *loud evil laugh* I am the supreme ruler of Neopia! Forget Fyora and bow to me! Be awed by my voice! Your master is the great Dr. Sloth! Just mutter what you have to and don’t waste space, you little pathetic being. *long, dragged-out evil laugh* Beep.

Shadow: Incredibly traditional. The charm with it is that it’s very concise. You can get a good Sloth voice sample here, Neopians.

Message #2 – Recorded at the beginning of the Month of Awakening, Year 7

*evil theme music plays* Happy Valentine! *loud noise of something being hit* Now that’s it. Valentine does not exist in my calendar. I am the almighty Doctor Frank Sloth! *roar* The word ‘valentine’ does not exist in the Slothictionary! Leave your message and leave! *whisper* Just leave if you’re Fyora. And if you’re going to read valentines, read them to the Space Faerie! *evil laugh* Beep.

Shadow: Err... This was a Valentine special we found. Like the first message, it is rather short. Focuses on valentine. Despite the fact that Sloth claims that he doesn’t like valentine, one can see through a thorough psychological analysis that our great Dr. Sloth will indeed enjoy reading his valentines. Otherwise he would never have bothered with that day at all, much less record a special message just for a day that comes around once a year.

Message #3 – Recorded many years ago, month not found in memory

*theme music plays* This is Dr. Sloth, the genius. Fear me! *fake shrilly screams are played* Leave a message after the meep. Have a dreadful mother’s day, Marcy! *whisper* And don’t call me Slothy. Meep.

Shadow: Really short. Fortunately no one but Sloth’s dear mommy heard that one. It would seem that he immediately deleted it after his mother called. This is a sweet message, which proves that even bad boys remember their mother. Well, that, or the threat of losing his fat allowance. Who knows?

Message #4 – Recorded rather recently, further data not found

*theme music plays* This is the great Dr. Sloth’s answering machine. Please leave a message after the beep and please don’t anger Dr. Sloth. PLEASE! *sob* Beep.

Shadow: That was interesting... Another one of those only-played-once messages. The voice and the politeness doesn’t sound like Dr. Sloth’s, so it must’ve been one of his employees recording that message. Either that, or a hypnotist visited Sloth. Finally something that sounds remotely normal... If you exclude that sobbing and the desperate cry, of course.

Message #5 – Recorded just before last year’s Sloth Appreciation Day

*music of doom plays* All hail the all-powerful Dr. Frank Sloth! Appreciate him wherever you walk! *more music plays* All hail Sloth, Sloth is your master, Sloth is the best, no one is faster... *abruptly cut off*

Shadow: Unfortunately we didn’t get this message completely, since the computer shut down right at that time and nothing that Grundo did could get working again. A week after the incident, the nameless Grundo contacted me and said that all the messages had been erased. Well, from what we can see, Sloth has a wonderful dark singing voice. I presume that the part where he starts chanting about himself is supposed to be some Sloth Anthem. Still, it is obvious that this message probably exceeds the others in length and is entirely dedicated to Sloth. Too bad we couldn’t get the whole message...

Well, that’s it for today, folks. I hope this didn’t shock you too much. Hopefully that poor Grundo will get the computer working, and if that happens, I promise to provide you with more interesting messages on Dr. Sloth’s Answering Machine.

Note that no Grundos or any other pets were hurt the making of this article... *holds up a ray bracelet and looks at the Space Station* ...yet. Please also note that this article is entirely fictional and the author is in no way associated with Sloth.

Dr. Sloth: I am DOCTOR Sloth! Not just Sloth, you rude, weird little thing!

Shadow: Whatever. *blows raspberry at Sloth* Anyhow, have a wonderful day and try to avoid visiting the Space Station if you can! Hoped you enjoyed reading this article, my first attempt at something humorous (for an article) for a long time. Neomails, comments and constructive criticism are welcome :)