It’s Not What You Think: Turmaculus

Now, I know what you’re thinking; ‘Why should I care about what you think, especially if it has something to do with a monster that ate my precious Fluffikins?’ Well, let me answer that with a question of my own: if you didn’t want my opinion, why are you here? So I thought.

Let’s look at the facts, shall we? Number one: the Turmaculus, or Turmy, as many like to call him, sleeps, A LOT, 23 hours a day in fact, and he’d probably make it an even 24 if all these petpets would stop dumping water on him, sneezing on him, and doing all other manner of disturbing things. Now if that’s not enough to annoy you, well, you have a serious problem. Moving on.

Number two: When he does wake up, he’s expected to grant YOU some kind of magic or something. Now really, if you had just woken me up from a good sleep, I’d probably roll over and squash you, not grant you a magic ability you could use to wake me up again the next day. Demanding little thing, aren’t you?

Number three: Have you ever stopped to ask how poor Turmy feels after you scream in his ear (wait, does he even have ears?), smack him in the head with a stick, or kick him? You just have to ask yourself; how would I feel if someone did that to me? Would I want to eat them? Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t; as for me, I probably would.

Now that we’ve taken poor old misunderstood Turmy’s feelings into consideration, we can’t help but wonder; what happens to those unfortunate petpets that are eaten by Turmaculus? I decided to find out, so I headed off to Meridell, but not before convincing my Shoyru, Kariftor, to come with me, and bring along her new temporary petpet, Turmy’s Frappe the Abominable Snowball. Unfortunately we ran into a bit of trouble along the way.

It seems that the SPPR (Society for the Protection of Petpet Rights) had heard about what we had planned to use as an experiment when confronting the Turmaculus, and they weren’t happy. I, being a member of the SPPR myself, probably should have expected this. Although we were now tied to a pole that was about to be set on fire, our little run-in with the SPPR provided us with an exclusive interview with some of its members. Now how can it get better than that? Being tied to a flaming pole AND getting an interview? Wow, I’m still marveling.

One of the members I had the honor of speaking to happened to be the president and founder of the SPPR herself, xxrandom_thoughts! We asked Miss Thoughts for her thoughts (well, that was awkward) on the Turmaculus. This is what we found out:

Me: So, Miss Thoughts, can I call you Miss Thoughts? Can we get your views on the Turmaculus?

Kari: Leave it to you to get us into a situation that’s sure to lead to our doom. And can’t you think of anything more important to talk about than an interview for a stupid article? You know, like how we’re gonna get outta here?! Reporters…

Me: Thanks for that, Kari.

Kari: Anytime.

RT: Ahem, to answer your question, Freak, I see the Turmaculus as a cannibalistic monster that is a hazard to petpets everywhere. Plus, a Turmaculas avatar has been released, giving owners reason to encourage the Turmaculus to eat their petpet. It’s just one giant case of petpet cruelty! In fact, we were just heading to Meridell to protest the Turmaculus when we ran into you two. Now, if you have any more questions, make them quick, the tar’s coming to a boil.

Kari: Tar?!

Heh, well, that was certainly, um, enlightening. Next, we got to talk to sakaki_cats, vice president of the SPPR, who, at this time, was preparing the fire with which to burn us alive.

Me: So, SC, what do you think of the Turmaculus?

SC: Well, I am strongly against the Turmaculus being so near to so many petpets. I mean, look at his location! Ye Olde Petpet Shoppe is right down the road! And all those poor petpets just have to sit there in the corral and wait to be bought or for the Turmaculus to get hungry! Alright, fire’s lit!

Kari: Am I beginning to detect a pattern developing in these responses?

Well, that was interesting. After our heroic escape (let’s just say, rubber Spyders and Almost Gummy Rats (grape) were involved) we continued on our way up the dusty path to the Turmaculus. Once there, we staked out a position behind some nearby trees, tied a rope around Turmy's Frappe and set him right next to the snoring Petpet King, leaving him with careful instructions and a large pointy stick.

Turmy’s Frappe poked, Turmy woke up, and you can imagine what happened next. Without a second glance, the mighty petpet devoured the little Snowball, hat and all. We waited, and it wasn’t long before my suspicions were confirmed. Not five minutes later, Turmaculus opened one eye, and, seeing that the coast was clear, promptly spit Turmy’s Frappe out, completely unharmed. We reeled him back in on the rope and raced over to the Turmaculus before he had a chance to fall asleep again.

Me: Wakey, wakey! C’mon Turmy, we’ve got some questions for you!

Kari: You’re going about it all wrong! Here, like this! Yo, Turmaculus! Get up off your rear and give us an interview!

Turmaculus: If you don’t shut it I’m going to do to you what I did to that Abominable Snowball earlier!

Me: Oh, come on. We know your secret, Turmy, so don’t try to scare us with that! Just answer our questions and we’ll leave.

Turmy: Fine, but get on with it, already! I’m losing valuable sleep time here!

Me: Okay, first question. How did you get so huge? And how long did it take?

Turmy: First of all, that’s two questions. Second, when I was a child I always had a healthy appetite. Now we Turmaculuses—

Me: So there’s more of you guys running around out there?

Turmy: Well duh! I didn’t just pop out of the ground one day, you know.

I crossed out a line in my ‘Theories about Turmaculus’ notebook.

Me: You were saying…

Kari: This isn’t getting anywhere…

Turmy: Yes, back to my story, ahem. As I was saying, we Turmaculuses grow at a very fast rate, and so it only took me about ten years to grow from the size of a Turmac to the size I am now.

Me: Very interesting… Next question. As we’ve just viewed from our behind-the-trees hideout, it seems that you do not really digest the petpets that you ingest. So the question is, why? Why do you supposedly eat a petpet and then let them go? Where do the now homeless petpets go, and how do you know which petpets to “eat” and which to let go?

Turmy: Do you have a problem counting? That was three questions!

Me: Just answer the question, sir, before I am forced to get ugly!

Kari: You know this isn’t a crime scene, right?

Turmy: Fine, fine, whatever, if it’ll get you two idiots to leave me alone. I eat the petpets and then let them go because I feel that they should be happy. The petpets go to Turmy’s Secret Petpet Shelter where they can be adopted by owners that will love them. Don’t tell anyone about that, though; it’s strictly members only, plus it’s a secret. I normally only eat petpets that look unhappy, though sometimes I sneak a happy one. Hey, I gotta eat too, you know.

Me: Uh-huh. That was um, interesting, to say the least. Well don’t worry Turmy, all the bad rumors about you are just going to disappear once I get this published in the Neopian Times.

Turmy: Publish? You never said anything about publishing it. You do realize that I can’t let you leave alive now right? No hard feelings or anything.

Kari: I knew nothing good could come of this, but no one ever listens to the pet, now do they.

Me: Kari?

Kari: Yeah?

Me: Shut up and run.

Ahem. And so ends the article of the century! After narrowly avoiding being eaten by the Turmaculus ourselves, wading through the hordes of angry SPPR members, and attempting to convince Turmy’s Frappe that we never wanted him to be eaten by Turmy and that it was all for the greater good, Kari and I stumbled home, narrowly escaping certain doom along the way. We gathered our notes together to bring you this. You don’t have to believe me, and I’m not asking you to change your opinion of the Turmaculus. What I’m asking is this: Don’t judge Turmy because he eats petpets. Judge him because he nearly ate ME!

Author's Note: Yay for my first article! Thanks to sakaki_cats and xxrandom_thoughts (AKA tweak_tweak_) for making me get off my lazy rear and write this! You guys rock!