400th NT Issue Interviews ~ Not Worth the Headache

Location of transcript: Warehouse. Two couches set up in middle of warehouse. Door leading to outside on far right. Few windows. Red Ruki sitting on first couch. Two Skeiths are on guard.

Rackquel: Hello and welcome, blah, how’s your day, awesome, just kidding. I could care less. Now listen, I was in the middle of playing Neoquest II when my owner barged right in my room, WITHOUT KNOCKING, I might add, and said she had to go to Mystery Island for untold reasons. She had three interviews set up with “famous Neopians” about their thoughts on the 400th issue of the Neopian Times, a “milestone in the making”. But who gets stuck being the interviewer? Not my loveable baby sister Goldie. Not my outgoing brother Dragon. Not even my understanding and insightful sister Free. No, Rosalie had to choose ME, someone who HATES. PEOPLE. AND. SOCIALIZING. So just to set the record straight, I was busy and did not want to do this. But Rosalie said she’ll give me whatever I want after this is done, so I guess everything won’t be so horrible. This interview will be recorded on a transcript by Mike. Say hi, Mike.

Mike: Hi!

Rackquel: No one cares, Mike. All right, let’s get this started with... (reads cards) Oh... argh, WHY? Great... please give a warm welcome to the Spider Grundo. (cringes)

(Spider Grundo climbs across ceiling and down wall, onto the couch, and sits upright.)

Rackquel: (sarcastic) Hey there, Spider Grundo.

Spider Grundo: (snarls)

Rackquel: Uhhhh... that’s kind of creepy. I would say that that’s entirely creepy, but my brother Dragon thinks it’s perfectly cool to snarl as well, and I can’t say he’s creepy or else Rosalie will take away my Neoquest, and we can’t have that now, can we?

Spider Grundo: (hisses)

Rackquel: You agree with me, thank you! Well, back on topic for a bit. What do you think of the 400th issue of the Neopian Times?

Spider Grundo: (growls)

Rackquel: Is that a yes or a no? If it is any of that, then that’s not a response to my initially asked question. Which I’ll wait patiently for you to answer.

Spider Grundo: (blinks twice)

Rackquel: This is getting absolutely no where! Guards! Escort this freak of nature out of here!

(Two giant Skeiths grab the Spider Grundo and head out the door. Rackquel neatly stacks his note cards in place and sighs.)

Mike: So much for being patient.

Rackquel: So much for having no better job than to type up words!

Mike: (sighs)

Rackquel: That was absolutely NOT worth all the annoyance that it created towards me. Humph. Next we have... hm, interesting... the Jelly Chia.

(Jelly Chia wobbles in and plops down on couch.)

Rackquel: (stares in amazement and confusion) But... Jelly World doesn’t exist.

Jelly Chia: Yes, it does.

Rackquel: What?! So... you... talk... ?! You don’t even have a face! But why on earth would you go on to say Jelly World does not exist?

Jelly Chia: Indeed, it does.

Rackquel: Did someone eat your brain? Is that why you’re making absolutely no sense?

Jelly Chia: Quite frankly that obscure comment damages my emotions . Why is everyone so timid when I proceed to ramble? It’s quite indifferent when I witness a baffled citizen of Neopia scrutinizing myself for no legit reason when they never intended to factorize the inevitable outcomes that insure the possibility that in fact, jelly can talk.

Rackquel: (pauses) Ok, I have no idea what you just said. Guards! PLEASE escort the talking jelly out of here!

Jelly Chia: Pardon? Shall I remind you that you never asked me what I thought of the 400th Issue of the Neopian Times?

Rackquel: Ah, good, I can finally understand what you’re saying. And yes, please go ahead.

Jelly Chia: I am of the utmost impressed with the development from previous years, I must indeed say. The incline progression is intriguing to study-

Rackquel: Big words.

Jelly Chia: Um... I think it’s wicked cool.

Rackquel: Excellent use of vocabulary!

Jelly Chia: Why, I express major gratitude to you and your wellbeing, kind sir.

Rackquel: Argh! Big words again! My brain melted while playing Neoquest so there’s no way I’ll be able to process them. Guards! I’ve had enough of the talking food! Please show him the door!

(Jelly Chia curses as he is escorted out of building.)

Rackquel: After two miserably failed attempts at interviews, I can only hope this gets better. The description of the next client is, “Sorry, Rackquel, I owe you so, so, so much when you get home”. As long as the person doesn’t spin webs or is made of jelly, it can‘t get any worse. Please welcome my interviewee... (looks at cards)... WHAT?! No! NO! I am NOT doing this! There’s no way! I REFUSE! THIS PERSON IS MENTALLY INSANE AND EMBARRASING! STOP! STOP THE-

(Strobe lights magically turn on, accompanied by streamers, confetti, bright lights, and cheesy game show music. Dr. Frank Sloth appears in the doorway after about five minutes.)

Sloth: Like the sparklers?

Rackquel: No. Just sit so I can get this torture over with.

Sloth: (uncomfortable silence) Why are you staring at me?

Rackquel: Oh, sorry, I was just seeing if you actually do wear lip gloss.

Sloth: What?! Heh, no, that’s just, an untrue rumor... (wipes lips on sleeve and sits)

Rackquel: Right. Tell me what you think of the 400th Issue of the Neopian Times.

Sloth: Well, it is quite a large spectacle. With so many contributing by Neopians, I would say it’s the best newspaper in all of Neopia.

Rackquel: I think it’s the ONLY newspaper in all of Neopia.

Sloth: Well, it would still be the best even there were other newspapers! I just think there should be more, you know, Sloth.

Rackquel: Uh...

Sloth: You know... me? Evil genius? There should be more articles about my past, present, and future world dominations.

Rackquel: You haven’t had any world-

Sloth: QUIET! Short stories and series should portray me and my evilness. Editorial questions should be flooded with “Where’s Sloth?” and “Sloth is our hero!” And comics should be dedicated to ME, ME, ME!

Rackquel: The only time you’re in the Neopian Times is if they’re making fun of you.

Sloth: Well, they shouldn’t make fun of me... my process for coming up with world domination plans is quite elaborate.

Rackquel: You mean you spend the weekend thinking up a “genius” plan to take over the world, attempt to carry it out, fail miserably, then go cry to your mommy over cookies and milk? Is your only goal in life to knit your mommy the best sweater in the world?

Sloth: NO, you ignorant Ruki! MY GOAL IS TO CONQUER NEOPIA! MUAHAHAHAHAHA-

Rackquel: NO! All right, NO, you are NOT going to conquer Neopia, you haven’t had a plot IN YEARS, people think you are a WEAK AND ANNOYING SO-CALLED VILLAIN, and you are LAUGHED AT. Hear me? LAUGHED AT. You should just go home and NEVER show your face. All right, I AM LEAVING! This is hopefully my first and last interview session! IT BETTER BE! I. HATE. PEOPLE. Does Jelly World even exist? Ugh, forget it! I’m going home to play Neoquest!

(The angry Ruki storms out. Sloth, hands burying his sobbing face, runs to the nearest exit to be comforted by his mother. The transcript recorder Mike is left scratching his head. He heads for the door and then pauses.)

Mike: Jelly World does NOT exist. Happy 400th Issue of the Neopian Times!

(Transcript ends.)

C & C is greatly loved!