Zombie Mortog Invasion

No – this is not an apocalypse. To say that we’re experiencing a catastrophic disaster in danger of ending the world is not quite accurate here. We’ve got it under control, as you can see. Zombie Mortogs are gentle creatures, too pure and fragile to participate in any kind of violent activity, so we enlist them for target practice in Ultimate Bullseye II and other such related games. What’s that? What happens if they explode, you ask?

Well, there are many uses for Zombie Mortog guts. Let’s look at a few.

First of all, guts are not infectious, you only become infected when you actually KISS the Mortog, as so many inane Avatar collectors found out. Second, Zombie Mortog guts have many useful purposes that we will explore below. ENJOY!

1. Skarl Shaving Cream

That’s right everyone, if you want to look as beardless and as unmanly as possible, go buy yourself a jar of Skarl Shaving Cream. Ladies, this is one you definitely want to get for that special someone. The secret ingredient is the key here, providing a soft, supple glow with a green-tint to boot! No more 5 o’clock shadows, because you just won’t grow a beard period! Side effects may include: hallucinations that run from mild to severe – the most reported incident is that of seeing more Neopian staffers getting hir---OW.

Something invisible just slapped me. Anyhoo, onto Number Two.

2. Unwanted Faerie Repellent

You’ve seen that Illusen peering out at you from the trees, right? Then she comes out and offers you money on the spot. Dear friends, I think we all know the meaning of stranger danger when we see it. If at any time you are approached by this cunning, stalkerish, and down-right pushy Faerie, or ANY Faerie seeking favors from you for that matter – use the Unwanted Faerie Repellent. The secret to this spray is that it has a wide nozzle to ensure that all KINDS of chunks go flying at your pursuers. No need to carry around heavy weapons anymore, you can now feel safe knowing your large stash of Neopoints won’t be taken advantage of by mischievous faeries when you use - the Unwanted Faerie Repellent!

3. Snowager Water Gun

We all know that Snowy is likely to blast you if you awaken him from slumber, but we’ve invented a nifty tool to help you bypass that process of wrestling the avatar from him day-in and day-out. No more will you have to stay up late, wake up early, and skip your afternoon nap children! Introducing our very own Snowager Water Gun, and there aint nothin’ watery about it. Watch Snowy’s face recoil in disgust as you spray him with all kinds of nastiness, CHUNKY nastiness, thank you. This is guaranteed to make him blast you every, single, time. That avatar will be yours in no time.

4. Hubert’s Hot Dogs

Remember that dorky looking Mynci that sells insanely tasty hot dogs? Ever wonder where the relish comes from? YES! Directly imported from Meridell at the expense of cheap labor performed by its under-privileged citizens – we won’t talk about politics now – we bring you 100% Organic Meridell Relish. Flavor and taste may vary from bottle to bottle, depending on how many kisses were given – ahem, but our Quality Guarantee still stands! Try some today!

5. World’s Best Super Glue

We even have customers from the Deserted Fairgrounds buying from us! One attractive young Neopian (who happens to be missing a tooth or ten) utilizes our product’s ultra-stickiness for his coconut business. Customer satisfaction has always been high, especially when our products are used to rip people off.

6. Avocado Face Masks

So I guess someone out there thought a skin cream version of our product tastes like avocadoes – which is fine, we’ll roll with it. Remember that magical facial exfoliation I mentioned earlier? Well honey, get ready to start feeling like all kinds of plump and squishy because that is exactly the kind of beauty benefit you’ll be reaping from our product! Whether that plumpness be an allergic reaction or otherwise. Imagine! Never having to go to the Rainbow Pool again because you’ve got a product that can undo that disastrous choice of a paint color you got. Neopians all over the world will look at you and be astounded, absolutely flabbergasted, at how amazing you look! Results on average take about 6-8 weeks, while Invisible Neopians may be waiting a little longer.

7. Altador Cup

We all play fair, right? Some more than others. Since the stickiness of our product is so world renowned, it’s no wonder that so many kingdoms demand it in high quantities. Especially during Altador Cup season. We don’t know why there are higher rates of incidents involving players becoming stuck in certain parts of the field, or why some teams score a passer rating of 100, but we do know that our product makes slushies in the Slushie Shop taste so much better! Your tongue might turn a certain color that won’t change for a month, but that’s not something to sue over, now is it?

8. Chocolate Filling

OH YES. We went there. When you’re finished pulling your hair out after you’ve lost to AAA, or after you get bumped out of the Top 17 of your desired trophy, or after you BARELY missed feeding that Kad, why not sit down to a nice bowl of gushy, melty, and altogether fantastically slimy chocolates! Too many adjectives? I say, that’s not enough to describe the mouth-watering, tear jerking, incredibly calorically densified Zombie Mortog chocolates that we all know and love! Why, our chocolates are a Halloween favorite! I invite you to sample the graspberry filling, which isn’t really graspberry, or the caramel, which isn’t really caramel! You’ll fall in love immediately, I guarantee it.

I would say more, but I do see a crowd of Neopians with pitch forks and torches over yonder, and I daresay they probably want my autograph. I concede, I suppose. So long folks, I hope you’ve taken an interest in my very informative and not at all solicitous article. We see Zombie Mortogs as a gift of nature, and we like to treat them as such. Just like how those Neopians will love and fawn over me! Tah-tah!