Altador Cup XI Match Report: Out On The Field

Kuszemi: (slightly breathlessly) Hello again, and welcome to Altador Cup XI! This is Kuszemi for the Neopian Times, and today we will be joining Team Moltara and Team Shenkuu out on the field for a game of Yooyuball. There’s going to be lots of running around, I hope we can keep up with them. I had to apply for a Field Permit from the Agency, which took ages, but I’m out here on the field now and that’s what counts. Here we go, then!

Scorchio Referee: (marches up gruffly) Are you a team player? You’re not a player, are you? Off the field you go, then! No loitering or trespassing on Altador Cup premises.

Kuszemi: I’m from the Neopian Times. I have a Field Permit. (brandishes his rather large and flashy visitor’s badge)

Scorchio Referee: Haven’t seen one of those in a while. Lemme have a look.

Kuszemi: Absolutely. (hands the badge to the Scorchio, who pops in his monocle and glowers at it)

Scorchio Referee: Seems to be in order. Ah well. Off you go, then. The Altador Cup Committee is not responsible for burns, scratches, bruises or any other injuries you might sustain on the field. You have been Warned.

Kuszemi: Warning duly received, sir, thank you kindly.

(The Scorchio Referee stumps off)

Kuszemi: Now that that’s settled, here come the teams! Bringing up Shenkuu is Mirsha Grelinek. Hello, Mirsha. I’m here on behalf of the Neopian Times, and we’re very eager to see what new tricks Team Shenkuu has up their sleeves.

Mirsha Grelinek: What’s that? Oh. Hi. Yeah. We’re all a bit groggy, didn’t get much practice over the weekend. Everyone was busy celebrating.

Kuszemi: Celebrating what? Was it someone’s birthday?

Mirsha Grelinek: The Dragon Boat Festival, of course! All your best Scorchio, Krawk and Draik boats. And the rice dumplings, as ever.

Kuszemi: That sounds very nice. So how do you feel about the upcoming match?

Mirsha Grelinek: We’ll steamroller them.

Kuszemi: You sound very confident.

Mirsha Grelinek: Sure I am. They are Moltara, after all. (She and her teammates snigger)

Kuszemi: Thank you for your time, Mirsha. And over here, we have the Moltara team. (pats the Moltara captain on the back, and leaps back with an agonized yell) YOWCH!! That’s hot. (sucks on his burnt paw)

Aldric Beign: I’m made of Magma, what did you expect? (yawns loudly and rubs his eyes. His team all look similarly exhausted)

Kuszemi: Late night, then?

Aldric Beign: (grumpily) You don’t know the half of it. A few of us were partying several days ago, and when we awoke, we found ourselves in the Neopian Pound, of all places. And we’d all turned Red. So we had to sneak back to the Magma Pool to paint ourselves back to Magma, but of course we’d all forgotten our pool times, so we had to sit there and wait till that annoying Tonu dozed off. What a day.

Zax Bannet: (in a purposely pompous voice) I'm sorry, only those well-versed in the ways of Moltara are permitted to enter the Pool. Learn more and try again later. (All of the Moltara team fall about laughing)

Kuszemi: Yeah, I’ve always wondered about that Tonu … have any of you tried shoving him into the Magma Pool?

Aldric Beign: Well, yes. That was a brave, if somewhat misguided feat attempted by none other than our very own erstwhile goalkeeper, poor dear Mor Gollog. In fact, the real reason why Mor left was because –

(The Scorchio referee blows his whistle shrilly, drowning out the rest of Aldric’s sentence. The Moltara team hurriedly assemble, and Kuszemi finds shelter)

Kuszemi: Note to self: will have to find out what it was that Mor Gollog did. Here comes the hatch. It’s a Clockwork Yooyu! Let’s get closer.

(Timu intercepts the ball and tosses it to Antola Maeir, who hurtles across the pitch. Kuszemi runs along to keep up with him.)

Kuszemi: And it’s Antola Maeir, Antola with the ball. Here comes Zax Bannet – Antola’s too fast for him, but thank goodness for me, all those workouts paid off – so it’s just Antola and myself with the ball.

Antola Maeir: You are really noisy, did you know that?

Kuszemi: I’ll have you know that’s part of my job, you impudent young –

(There is a deafening bang and a billowing cloud of thick grey smoke. Both pets are thrown to the ground by the impact, where they remain for several seconds, slightly shellshocked, before picking themselves up gradually, looking dazed and somewhat worse for the wear.)

Kuszemi: Urgh. That – um – that was a Clockwork Yooyu. For those of you who have always wondered, yes that explosion hurt, no it was NOT harmless, and poor Antola Maeir, who was actually holding the Yooyu when it exploded, can barely tell which side is up. Over here, Antola. Timu’s got the ball now.

Antola Maeir: Whuhh? Urgh… (ambles toward Kuszemi with a goofy smile on his face, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings. There is a huge roar from the spectators as Timu manages to score)

Kuszemi: That’s, um, that’s one nil. Here comes the next ball now. Oh, it’s a Fire Yooyu! Tulah Kisner gets the ball. Larcy Phu tries to get it from her but – ouch, that’s not pretty.

(Larcy jumps around with a pained look, waving his scalded paws in the air frantically. Meanwhile, Tulah Kisner reclaims the ball effortlessly and hurries away)

Mirsha Grelinek: (running towards Larcy) Put on your Igneots Flaming Gloves, you dolt. Quick!

Kuszemi: For those of you who were wondering, yes the Fire Yooyu does burn, and yes it is a painful affair for the average pet. What works against the Shenkuu team, however, is doing wonders for Moltara, who are in their element. For these Magma pets, a Fire Yooyu is a mere stitch in the great tapestry of Moltara.

(Tulah Kisner throws the Yooyu into the Shenkuu net, and all the Moltara supporters cheer.)

Kuszemi: Moltara catches up Shenkuu on that one, and now we have a Snow Yooyu. This should be interesting.

(Vere Polnicek pounces upon the Yooyuball, which immediately begins to melt through her Magma fingers. She fumbles, and the Snow Yooyu slips through her paws and drops to the ground. Mirsha Grelinek immediately pounces upon the ball and streaks away)

Vere Polnicek: I hate Snow Yooyus.

Kuszemi: Ten seconds to go till the match ends. Here comes Aldric Beign – he’s attempting to claim the ball – but it melts through his paws and he can’t get a good grip on it. This Snow Yooyu isn’t doing any favours for the Moltara team, I can tell you that. Mirsha Grelinek aims – and did you just see that! The ball sails through Harlis Neyhbol’s paws! I really thought he had it there for a second. Just listen to the audience, they’re going wild. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens, when magma meets snow.

(The Scorchio referee blows his whistle, and the victorious Shenkuu team dance in delight, whilst the dejected Moltara squad file off the field)

Kuszemi: Despite the Moltara team’s best efforts, the Shenkuu team wins the day. There they go! Ouch, mind where you’re pointing that chopstick! Excuse me please. Wait up for me, Aldric Beign, you were going to tell me about Mor Gollog. Is it true that he really tried to push the Magma Tonu into the Magma Pool? I say..

(Kuszemi hurries after the retreating Moltara team, and his shouts fade into the distance)