400 Ways to Effectively Communicate With Your Petpet

Presented by the Snow Candychan Androcles from the stories A Candychan Tale, Another Candychan Tale, and others

I realize that many owners, most of whom are kind, devoted and other fuzzy stuff, want to take the best care of their petpet. So, on this most special of occasions, the 400th issue of the Neopian Times, I am here to assist you with a nifty list of 400 ways to communicate more effectively with your petpet.

One: Your petpet isn’t the one who doesn’t make sense – you are the nonsensical one.

You might be under the impression that your petpet says things like, 'Chrrrrpp chrrrrp,' or that he or she makes thumping, clicking, purring and chirping sounds. And even if they do say something intelligible, you still think that none of the things your petpet says to you makes sense. Never fear. I’m here to tell you that your petpet makes perfect sense. You are the one who is crazy.

While those sounds come across as being mostly the mumblings of an inferior being, petpets have our own languages. We would teach you, but we’re afraid that you wouldn’t be able to even comprehend our ABCs.

It might have occurred to you that you’re wasting your time talking with your petpet, whatever species and color he or she may be, but in reality, you really are wasting our time. We have far more interesting things to do than listen to you say things like, 'Hello,' 'Do you want an apple?' or 'I love you.' Your phrases mean nothing to us. We know that you 'mean well' or whatever, but clearly, you don’t know how to talk to petpets. You really should stop trying.

Two: How to talk to your petpet.

You went to all the trouble to purchase your petpet from Neopian shops, trades or auctions, and you may have even gone to all the trouble to buy a petpet paint brush or a laboratory map in order to get your petpet looking beautiful. Therefore, you might think you are entitled to 'talk' to your petpet. That’s cute, but very, very wrong. See step one if you are still confused on that front.

The way to communicate with your petpet is not by saying things. Do you always believe the things other Neopians say to you? I didn’t think so. (If on the off chance you answered 'yes' to the previous rhetorical question, have a lollypop and stop reading. You are clearly delusional and I can not help you.)

The real way to show that your petpet is important to you is by doing things for him or her. Now, perhaps you are thinking that by purchasing a paint brush, you have already shown that your petpet is important to you. However, making your petpet Mutant or Brown or Faerie was selfish. That was for you. Did your petpet ask you to take him or her out of whatever she or he was doing and drag him or her over to the Rainbow Pool? Again, I didn’t think so. So, you see, that very act showed how selfish you are. (However, if you painted your petpet Snow, I must applaud you. Even though your motives were clearly egotistical, you did paint your petpet the best color possible, and that deserves a cookie. Munch on it and read on!)

Now, it may be confusing as to what you can do for your petpet that isn’t self-centered, but that’s why you’re reading this article! First, you need to listen to your petpet (see step one) and find out what it is they like. Then you should purchase it for them! Those items can be useful to your petpet, as they can make his or her life better and cushier. And that’s what you want to do, isn’t it? Good. Now some suggestions might be the Electric Petpet Condo, which is very styling; the Regal Purple Petpet Cushion, so luxurious; and Petpet Biology, because petpets can read – don’t seem so surprised.

Three: Your little 'lab ray' is pure malevolence.

Clearly, you are under the impression that handing your petpet off into the arms of the conniving ray operator is a good thing for you to do. Well, riddle me this: would you like to be electrically zapped for someone else’s fun and amusement? The answer should be 'no,' but then again, you are a Neopian. I wouldn’t expect you to fully comprehend. You will just have to take my word for it – it is a very unpleasant process. And turning into soot? That’s something no petpet should experience. Plus, did you know that the ray can make your petpet disappear and go somewhere far away? In case you’re not sure what to be getting out of this paragraph, read: zapping is selfish. Don’t do it! If you really want to communicate with your petpet, you don’t want to send the message 'Oh and by the way, I don’t care if you turn into dust.'

Four: Yeah, what you named your petpet, not so good.

I realize that you Neopians are silly and can not be trusted around shiny or sharp objects. This is why I almost forgive you for naming your petpet things like, 'Rolls,' 'Chickenhead,' 'Rain,' 'Sage,' and 'Hoot,' but this only emphasizes the fact that you are incapable of naming your petpet anything decent. If you are wondering why your petpet makes clicking sounds at you (see step one), it’s because they don’t respect you. You can’t possibly respect someone who honestly thinks your name is 'Chickenhead.'

And for that matter, what sort of mother or father, as you Neopians seem to fantasize yourself in those sort of roles, would name their child 'Chickenhead?' Even more important, what is a 'chicken?' I have personally introduced myself to at least one member of every species of petpet, and I can tell you that there is no 'chicken' in Neopia. I suppose expecting Neopians to be rational beings would be a bit too much, though.

Perhaps, you would like to call your petpet by his or her actual name. Yes, we do have our own names, but we don’t like to tell you what those names are, simply because you’ve proven yourself to be incapable of acknowledging our greatness. Feel special that you even know my name! I guess the whole point of this section is to tell you that the petpets are mocking you. Perhaps if you could come up with a more acceptable nickname, we wouldn’t feel the need to ridicule you.

So that’s my list! All 400 ways to effectively communicate with your petpet. You may be under the impression that none of the points were very helpful, but you’re wrong. It might have occurred to you that there aren’t even 400 different ways listed, but they’re all so great they’re worth 100 anyways, trust me. These things might make you feel like you didn’t learn what you were supposed to out of this article, but I don’t have time to listen to your Sloth-loving ways. When you can actually read, I’m sure you’ll come to appreciate the great wisdom I have imparted on you.

Until then, Androcles