Colonel Cobb and the Attack of the Vegetables

Because he just may take over the world some day.

All right, by now I’ll assume I’ve cowed you into going and looking him up before you read any farther. What? You didn’t? Pffft. Well, go look him up! Then you can read my article and learn just how he might take over the world.

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You still haven’t looked him up, have you? Well, fine then. Colonel Cobb was once Sloth’s most feared follower. Not Commander Garoo, nor Commander Gormos. Colonel Cobb was terrifying. He ran the Second Grundo Air Cavalry Battalion, his discipline was strict, and his followers were devoted. But something happened. He lost his troops behind enemy lines. No one knows what happened to them. But Sloth abandoned Cobb, and Cobb just didn’t know what to do. So, he did what he did best. He went back to training an army.

But not just any army! This army was to be the largest, fiercest, and most disciplined army Neopia had ever seen. This army was to be an army... of vegetables. Yes, vegetables. Why not? You can grow them quickly, unlike troops, which need to be recruited through a long and painstakingly complicated process. They are loyal only to whoever grows them (I assume), and they will never disobey orders. Or obey them. BUT, they still could be a formidable army! And they are slowly and steadily invading Neopia.

Where is the invasion? You cry out. Why have I not heard of this attack? Because it is an attack of STEALTH. They work with the best battlers of all time, convincing said battlers to depend on them. You know what I’m talking about. Why else could some of the most powerful weapons in Neopia be... vegetables? The Super Attack Pea and the Grapes of Wrath are some of the most powerful weapons in Neopia, along with the lesser weapons that the more typical battler depends on, such as fruity bombs and whatnot. Battlers of all levels depend on these weapons, from Super Attack Peas at the top of Battledome power to Tchea Fruit Bombs nearer the bottom. What if suddenly the weapons of all battlers turned on them? Their own weapons, attempting to take over the world with Colonel Cobb at their head! And of course, everyone eats their vegetables. Well, all good pets do. Mine don’t... BUT if your own food, trained by Colonel Cobb, was to turn on you... what could you DO? Eat pastries, I guess. BUT STILL! Being attacked by my dinner would seem to be a very dire circumstance.

Can we prevent the takeover of the world? Simply by not eating vegetables anymore, and destroying these weapons? Maybe. But I fear it may be too late. Colonel Cobb is already directing attacks on us, and last year he very nearly successfully took over Neopia. You mean you didn’t notice? I sure did when a group of plants assaulted me in April, claiming that Neopets was now Neoplants!

Yes, of course that was Cobb’s doing! You thought it was actually TNT? Pffft. They managed to take control in the end, and make it seem like a prank, but the Colonel had successfully infiltrated Neopia. No one knew how much danger we were in... They laughed! Laughed when snarling cacti-thingies overtook the news page! Smirked when plants appeared and demanded that we serve them the way we do our pets! Yes. We were invaded and we didn’t even know it.

But here’s a good question. Why did the Colonel try to make it seem like a prank? Because he is a genius. Maybe a slightly mad genius, but definitely a genius. He knew, that if his plan failed, he would need the element of surprise if he ever wanted to successfully attack again. So he was subtle. He made it seem like it was all a joke... but to paranoid people like me, it didn’t seem like a joke; it definitely seemed like an attack on all I held dear! But no one else in Neopia seemed to see it for what it was. But why didn’t TNT tell us?

Because they thought he was gone, and that there was no need to embarrass themselves by telling us that Neopia had been invaded by vegetables. Wouldn’t it embarrass you to explain to your pets that you had allowed vegetables to invade your neohome? Yes. I thought so.

So on continues Cobb with his slow, persistent attempt to invade Neopia. Where will he strike next? Perhaps at the next Gadgadsbogen festival. All the new fruit/plant/vegetable life coming into Neopia will seem perfectly natural.

And finally, one of your more important questions. How do I know? Well, after looking the Colonel up in the Neopedia after last year’s attack, I decided to find his remote farm and spy on him. No, I didn’t KNOW that Cobb had done it, but it seemed a likely place to begin, right? Right. After finding his farm, I found documents detailing the intricate planning it took to perfect that careful, subtle attack. I haven’t found any documents detailing future attacks, but I am still on the farm, in hiding, looking for ways to foil his dastardly plans. This is the first of my transmissions to the outside world in a desperate attempt to let Neopia know and prepare. I am currently hiding in a storage room, and I- wait a minute... there aren’t any vegetables watching you read this, are there? Because they’re in on it. They’re all plotting to take over the world. I’m trapped behind enemy lines, and the enemy might be right next to you, learning where I’m hiding so that they can contact the vegetables I’m hiding from, to prevent me from relating their evil plans to you... But now they’ll find me. This may be the last time you hear from me... because the vegetables will get me now. Stay away from the vegetables! Watch, you just watch... they’re coming after you.

*Side note: The author was discovered hiding in one Mr. Cobb’s storage shed. Mr. Cobb, concerned about her mental health, delivered her to the Neopian authorities, who discovered this document hidden in her jacket. Mr. Cobb would like to state here that he is not evil, is in no way connected to Sloth, and does not plan to take over the world. He would also like to remind you to eat your vegetables.